One year in -is this complicated grief?

[nashreed]

How sad. What kind of therapist doesn't respond to what you want to talk about? 

I commend you on making it through  three long years. I'm almost at two, and it feels like ten. I can't imagine ever getting over Annette. Five years, ten years.... She deserves to be talked about and loved and remembered, but nobody cares. 

At least you have friends. My one hope for the future is to find one person that I can commiserate with in person. I looked into a grief support group here, but of course, it's still unknown when it will come back from COVID. I was hoping to meet someone there. I sound pretty desperate for companionship.... 

[AnnJ]

Ah Razorclam I am so sorry you feel so isolated. Grief, especially our type (disenfranchised grieving for someone others don’t think is appropriate) can be a very lonely place. It actually sounds like you’re doing really really well.As for your therapist words fail me but ‘struck off’ comes to mind. 
Be gentle on yourself, sending hugs 🫂  

[kayc]

10 hours ago, razorclam said:

my therapist does not respond to anything I say about him. She just gives me a blank, hangdog look, and remains silent, as if to discourage me from going there. Clearly she thinks I should just move on

Honestly, it doesn't sound like a good therapist, I'd be searching for a good grief counselor, my first one was anything but!
Grief specialist
Counseling: Five FAQs

I don't know about labeling, I think all of us consider ours complicated in some way or another...
Complicated Grief
Complicated Grief?

 

[Kieron]

I can only echo the other responses, but it occurs to me, you may have unknowingly exceeded the therapist's capacity for compassion or she is showing the limits of her professional competence, from the sound of it.  🙁 

[Gwenivere]

19 hours ago, razorclam said:

Clearly she thinks I should just move on, and in fact I do have plenty of other issues I am grappling with. But I don't like the fact that she is not being responsive to me. I have one friend  who I do not see often with whom I still share my grief. He said that he actively mourned his divorce for five years, and predicted the same timeline for me. I feel like I am very much on track to that.  

I don’t think there is a timeline.  Just when I think I am may be making progress, it changes. Your therapist sounds overwhelmed by your needs.  I’ve been having ups and downs in therapy and this could be a down time for us both.  If I can’t feel any help from counseling it’s time for a break.  I use here to just get my feelings out for the day. The fact yours isn’t being responsive says a lot.  My only unsolicited advice is not to compare a death to a divorce.  It’s a form, but the partner still lives.  You can still talk if needed.  
 

you also quoted the below…….

The project of grieving a friend is one of flinging pleas and promises and imprecations into the abyss, hoping against hope to hear something other than the echo of your own voice".

 That speaks volumes.   Know I will never hear him again.  That  hurts so much.   Don’t know if one ever gets used to that.

[kayc]

What Gwen says is true, comparisons tend to invalidate, everything you are feeling is valid.  Divorce can have some similarities but also vast differences, and each and every death is unique too.  My hardest one to experience was my husband, because we were so close, our love so deep, also we were in each other's daily lives, the second hardest was my Arlie (Husky/Golden Retriever), very special and very much in my everyday life (I'd already lost my husband, parents, other pets, oldest sister, friends, etc.).  Not everyone feels the same about their husband, I knew someone to whom it was a relief because he was alcoholic and beat her.  But to those who find their way here, it's because they loved them and were close to them...

We want to be here for you.

[razorclam]

Thanks to everybody for sending caring thoughts my way. 

[AnnJ]

Just stopped by to see how everyone is. I live in the UK but realize Thanksgiving weekend might be a tough time for you all(well tougher than normal) so was thinking you 

[kayc]

@AnnJ Aww, thanks!  It was nice, spent with family although that made for a lot of driving, thankfully, didn't see any accidents, there've been some horrid ones this last week!

 

[razorclam]

Ah AnnJ, that is very thoughtful of you.

For anyone not following my "Brief Connection" thread in the "Behaviors in Bereavement" section, my late friend's brother contacted me last April after ghosting me in May 2020, to apologize and asked to reconnect. In a series of preternatural developments, within days of resuming our correspondence I was invited to a conference in his city (overseas). The venue, a research institute outside the city limits,  turned out to be practically in the backyard of their childhood home, where the two of them as boys had ridden their dirt bikes on the (unbuilt) campus.

Our in-person meeting was a complete success, and left us both in a much more healed state. His brother shared family stories and photos, and was grateful to have the perspective I provided on my friend's last year. Most importantly, I learned that he died much earlier on his last day that I had thought. His wife's messages conveyed the impression that the death occurred in the evening, but in fact it happened in the very early morning. The timing is significant, because I was tormented for 3 years by the assumption that my friend had been alive but uncommunicative by choice for the entirety of his last day. Many of my previous posts on this thread have agonized over this...why did he shut me out on his last day, etc...so it was a relief to shed all that angst.

We parted warmly, and have not been in contact since I returned home. But I think I am on a healing path, finally, because I am not alone anymore.

[AnnJ]

Hi Razorcalm

That sounds so positive and feels like you’re in a much better place. 

I saw this recently and it really resonated 

[razorclam]

That is a great graphic. It really nails it. Thank you for sharing this.

[kayc]

Thanks for sharing the chart!

Also, to Razorclam, I'm glad for you.

[razorclam]

The weekend after my soul mate died (5 years ago) my husband and I planted a lilac bush, and dedicated it to his memory. Unfortunately the spot we chose was too shady, and despite growing tall and strong, the plant never bloomed.

A few days ago I got an unwelcome diagnosis at my annual physical. Not catastrophic, manageable, but still a  sobering development. But as I always do at times like these, I think of my friend, and tell myself that if a problem has a solution, or at least a management strategy, then it's not a problem. And now today, 5 years since his death, the lilac bloomed, for the very first time. It looks like this is the only flower we will get from it this year. It was as if my friend  were speaking to me saying, "Stay strong, baby".

[AnnJ]

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis, good luck with your treatment. 
Love that his lilac bush had bloomed for you. Good luck to you 

[kayc]

I'm so sorry about your diagnosis, but so glad to hear the lilac bloomed.  The first thing I planted when moving here 47 years ago was a start off my MIL's lilac tree.  It filled me with joy all these years.  Last year the rangers (highly intrusive!) came and cut it down without announcing themselves here or their intentions, before 8 am!  I ran out there in my robe and slippers, too late.    Irreplaceable.

[razorclam]

Ah, kayc, so sorry this happened to you. A contractor working on our property mowed down a tree peony that my husband cultivated. Hate it when that happens.

[kayc]

Me too.  I'm sorry that happened to you!

This was all I had left of my MIL, she died 36 1/2 years ago.  She was the mom I always wanted.