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My Psychologist call it grief spasms, when one in grief just starts crying for no reason, in a store, on the sidewalk. I suffer from this way too much. I lost my wife of  53 years together to the wickedest of cancers. 6 months from diagnosis she was gone and was in pain from radiotherapy and chemo. I brought her home so i could care for her. The last 2 days she was screaming in pain, just wasted away. The first 5 months were painful but meds helped and she was holding on to her weight. But the last week suddenly she was completely wasted away. all of her fat and muscle was gone. It was horrible to see her like that. She told me she was "sorry she got sick now", just when our little retirement farm in Puerto Rico was starting to flourish. Can you image her saying that?  She died in my arms. I saw the light leave her eyes. Her bladder and bowels let go.  I didn't cry at first. The ambulance arrived and pronounced her gone. I kissed her goodbye on her forehead. Still no tears. Then they came in with a gurney and body bag. Now that I could not take. I left the room until they drove off. Then the tears came... great heaving sobs. If the medics had not confiscated her opioids, I swear I would have taken them all. The next few days are hazy but her family came and gave me her ashes. By now I was a disabled man. trembling,  difficulty walking, stuttering and the constant crying. I could never stay there now The whole farm was a trigger of inconsolable grief. So I left with one suitcase back to my daughter in the states. I did not care about the farm or anything else.. Her brother said he would sell it along with all her furniture especially the new dining room set she never got to use. her clothing. all the farm tools, every thing. the only thing of hers I packed was her ashes. I don't even remember the flight back. It has been 4 months now and her brother has sent no money. He is a grifter and I hope it doesn't get ugly

I wish that I had spoken with her a long time ago about the good times and the bad. She had an affair when we were in college, but I loved her so much I let it go. Now  I wish we had talked about it and gotten closure, but we didn't. That was 43 years ago and forgotten, now it is strange that it would come back to haunt me now and consumes me. I guess it is some kind of latent trigger I am "imagining" she cared more for her partner than she did me. the affair ended when he left he and went back to his home country. Didn't even write..just abandoned her. He was lonely and just used her for sex and a good time. I'm going to talk to a therapist next week and ill bring it up. I loved her with all my  heart and soul... she was my life. She could do no wrong. If only I could turn the clock back and talk about our life together. Get all the good and bad out. We were together all our adult life so there would be a long story. When she got the diagnosis I only wanted to say good positive things to her, even when her mind began to falter a little bit.  Now, 3 months later, I cry several times a day. and cannot sleep. She was the love of my life. I am an introvert, and she was an extrovert, but she was patient with me when i didn't want to go to a party or something.

The triggers began almost immediately. her pictures. I could not look at them. Hid them away. I must be extreme because almost anything sets me off. Like a horrible nightmare. A flower. She loved flowers and plants and had big beautiful tropical plants at the farm.  When she was too sick to get up, she asked me to be sure and water them every day. This took an hour for me to do, but id check on her. I had a baby monitor by her so I could hear her call me, which she did, to help her to the bathroom, warm her blankets, empty her urine bags or to tell me she was scared and needed a hug. 53 years together and we seen and done a lot, so there are innumerable triggers. Anything... certain foods, stores, moon, clouds, rain, today a bag of potting soil set me off. She was constantly buying potting soil for her plants. It is silly but that is a huge trigger. anything. birds, dragonflies, hummingbirds.. well you name it. These triggers sets off the grief spasms and I just start crying right there. Today it was home depot and the potting soil. Right there in the store I just broke down and sat on the floor and bawled my eyes out. The store employee helped me go outside. So many triggers, even this forum sets me to crying. I guess its hard for folks to understand the pain i have. Even our children didn't cry beyond a day or two. I guess I have "complicated grief" or something. I miss her so much it tears my heart to shreds. She was taken from me at what was supposed to be our golden years. its not fair that I be left alone on the planet still healthy. I suppose I am doomed to suffer these triggers all my days unless I finally cant take it anymore. I really don't have anything to live for now. I am hurting too much.

 

 

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1 hour ago, mick said:

I must be extreme because almost anything sets me off

Mick, you are not extreme.  You're human and you're missing the one you love.  Your heart is ripped in half and everything you had has been torn from you a bare 2 months ago.  Everything you're describing is something we've all done, felt, or experienced in some manner or degree, at one time or another.

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I'm so sorry, Mick ~ but I agree with everything Kieron has said to you. I invite you to read this piece (written by another of our members who also lost the love of his life) as I hope it will help you to feel less alone ~ and I hope you'll read the Related Articles listed at the base, too: Voices of Experience: The Trouble with Triggers  ❤️

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mick, I am glad you will be seeing a therapist soon...sometimes when we don't have closure, and not everything is neatly wrapped with one, we have to create our own closure and they should be able to help you with that.

When my husband died, everything was a trigger, we did everything together!  I couldn't even get groceries, my daughter had to, we'd always done it together.  I did eventually venture out of my comfort zone and did it.  Getting used to living alone is a lengthy process, be patient with yourself.  

We had a lot of "our songs," so many my son made a wedding CD of them, and still some were left off!  To this day it's still too hard for me to look at pictures very often or listen to our music.  And it's been 15 years.  

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  • 1 month later...

Triggers.....Oh Yes!  They’re everywhere!  A song, a bird singing, shopping at the store,....it doesn’t matter. It hits you square in the heart. I too have cried in the store because a song we loved came on. Never know when or where or why it happens. It’s been a little over 4 months now and it seems everything sets me off. He’s gone now and I’m left speechless and lost. I am so sorry for your loss and I know nothing I can say will eliminate or even lessen your grief. Just know I am here as well as everyone in this group to listen and acknowledge anything you want to say. 
 

 

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So young, so hard.  Four months in, I still remember although much of life was a blur then.  My heart goes out to you.

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We share about the same time married.  We got 32 years.  At 4 months I was like you.  I so get it.  After all that time it’s nothing compared to what we had.  Same kinds of triggers.  I don’t voluntarily listen to music even now almost 6 years.  I tried.  Songs have memories of happier times I’ll never feel again.  Reminders.  The irony is he was a musician and I can’t listen to his recordings either.  I can barely stand if the answering machine is tripped as his voice is there.  I see so many places we went either still there, but I don’t go (restaurants) or places we did go to closed down.  Those bother me as they were at least familiar.  A 7-11, a Taco Bell, Sears, K Mart, etc.   shopping is hard now that I don’t buy his stuff or things he grilled nor cook meals.  Our dogs are gone too.  I can’t volunteer with the virus and a bad back.  I knew my world would be forever changed, but I had NO idea how deep it would go at the time.  Now I do because I see how intertwined we were and I always will be in my vision of things.  Forever.

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It's way too hard for me to listen to "our songs" (of which there were many).  Someone newly grieving got upset by that once, well don't compare my journey to yours, as we're all different and so are our timelines.  I guess they thought that by 15 years I should be over it by now.  No.  Some things you're never over, you learn to live with (or ignore).  Some things are, as you say, Gwen, forever.

 

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