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When I lost Nancy, the world came crashing down all at once, no warning, I stopped going to work, so I lost my job, got evicted after 15 years in the same place, and I just stopped caring,  was drinking from morning till passing out, then started over again, I wanted to die so that I could be with Nancy, so I took a whole lot of pills and ended up in ICU, then the mental ward where I remained for all of 2019, upon release was put into a VA home for vets, so that they could keep an eye on me 24/7, My Doctor's would keep telling me, Jim you have to go on, Nancy would want you to, It's not your time, the pills didn't take you so there must be a reason, according to them, I should have died!! we'll here it is two years later, and although I have made no further attempts, life is so empty without my Nancy here to take care of me, and I her, she was my reason for waking up and surviving in this crazy world, she was my way of holding onto any sanity, as when I looked at her, I knew my purpose, I understood my reason for being here!! I tell my psychologist that I still want to be wherever Nancy is, that I no longer have any purpose here, I'm still a married man and my place is with her, now be assured that I have no plans of self destruction, how could I give away something, that Nancy tried so hard to hold onto, her zest for life was always enough for the both of us, was about a month before she left, we were getting some endoscopy's done for her, and she looked at me with her beautiful brown eyes, and said Jim, I don't want to die, and I promised her that she wouldn't, well on Dec 3 2018, I was proved wrong, and my world came to end, with No Warning.  Thank you

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I'm so sorry, Jim. I realize the dreaded anniversary is coming up. That's really a rough journey, and yet you're still here on earth. It does seem like you're here for a reason. I have thought many times of ending things, but I must be alive for a purpose. I'm afraid of failing at it and being worse off or a burden. Annette always worried she was a burden to me, and it would be an insult to her memory to throw away my body that has vision that she didn't or mobility that she didn't. Good luck and take care on the 3rd. Don't give up.

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To both of you: I have the deepest respect for your thoughts and feelings, and for your honesty in acknowledging and sharing them with all of us ~ and I hope you know that even if you've lost all hope, you can lean on ours until you find your own. You are not alone. You have each other, and you have every one of us pulling for you too. ❤️

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12 hours ago, JimJim said:

her zest for life was always enough for the both of us

George was always so full of zest for life, I miss that, it was truly contagious.

I'm not surprised at all at your feelings of emptiness, it's something we struggle with.  I worked so hard to rebuild my life just to have COVID crash it down.  :(  Hoping for things to get better someday, but honestly it IS a struggle.

I love Marty's response.  I'm glad we have this place.

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Glad we have this place too.  I don’t know if I actually was rebuilding my life, I was adapting to changes which could technically be the same thing.  Covid and the spinal stenosis absolutely has collapsed everything.  And I do mean everything.  I woke up again today wondering why.  I have no purpose, desire, ability to be helpful and so physically limited.  It’s a horrible feeling knowing if you didn’t participate in the world no one would notice for a long time.  It would most likely be missing a counseling session or doctor appointment.  That’s really sad.  Not like our partners wondering if we are late coming home or help us when suffering.  Can’t make plans with the lack of people and connections.  It’s weird not to need anything. Want anything.  I 'live' Day to Day so aware that is is merely existence and if I disappeared it wouldn’t matter anymore.  Not just to Steve, but all the people that fell out of my life.  I tried for a long time to stay connected only to keep failing.  I tried very had.  But death, viruses and my body put the brakes on it all. Yes, I have this place which I treasure, and a dog ad our house.  But I’m still alone and worn out trying to feel I matter like I did without effort. Never had to make an effort to feel alive.

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I'm sorry, Gwen. I would miss you here. But I know- I feel like just disappearing. All I can do is drive around my old hometown, seeing all the memories and how the whole town feels and looks like I do- run down, closed and shuttered. Homeless people and beggars. The poor local multiplex with faded movie posters and trash blowing through the parking lot. No purpose. I'm healthy-ish, but have no motivation or opportunity to do anything. I sat in the parking lot and talked to Annette, but she couldn't answer. She always made me feel better when I was having my moments, even when she was in pain and doing bad. I miss her so much. I just don't know why I have to keep on living. 

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Are sorry to Gwen and Nash, I know exactly how you feel about no purpose, Nancy was my voice in the morning that always gave me the courage to face the day, when I looked at her, I knew why, she gave me all the reason I needed! But now just because I'm breathing, I'm only existing, not living, when Nancy left, so did I, only a shell of who I use to be remained, only waiting for my time to be with her again, I'm still married to Nancy, and will remain so till my last breath

 

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