2 husbands

[Karine]

Good Morning....How wonderful to discover friends who understand . Im completely perplexed and sad. I lost my first husband Walter in 2007 ...yes I grieved extremely sad father to both my children. I loved him so much. I met Mike just 8 months....We did everything together..Mike passed September 8 th from a fungus that shouldn't have killed him. There's already talks with attorneys how the hospital and doctors really messed up. Its been confirmed by their own admittance. That will be an ongoing saga...I know not to compare however Mikes death has hit me like nothing I ever imagined....Why did I think that yes I would mourn but I would  function . Makes me question did I not love my first husband enough? Im so confused and honestly my body and mind are not working. My family is saying or not saying much as I think they 2 believed that its not so bad. We know that both are in heaven .Im of a strong Christian faith....I just haven't run into many stories or help in losing 2 husbands in less than 20 years. I just turned 56 ....I feel as though Ive loved greatly and now grieving so hard...I just don't know how I will recover or better yet accept that I was so so blessed..Im going through the crazy roller coaster you all understand. Im in NY with family returning to my home in Florida next week where I must seek counseling..I started going into severe depression when in our home...I know im intentionally shutting everyone out. I know what danger im putting myself in yet I continue to go through pictures and videos just to hear his voice...i think ill just peek then its 8 hours later and im still in yesterday's clothes ...paralyzed to do nothing but cry. I hope this is not too much information for a newbie but I see how you all support each other. If you read this far ..Thank you for taking the time.

[joe57]

You are not alone. Keep coming back here. I joined about a week ago after losing my pretty little wife about a month ago. Just reading about other's pain helps with mine. Keep sharing. Peace.

[kayc]

I am so glad you found this place!  We welcome you with open arms and want to be here for you.  Could it be that you loved BOTH husbands completely, although of course each love is as unique as we are, but getting with your second after just 8 months, perhaps you had not had time to fully mourn your first and the grief was pushed back?  So now you've lost the second as well and BOTH deaths are coming to roost at this time!  It would help to be able to see a grief counselor that can help guide you through this.

Know that pretty much anything one can feel is "normal" in grief.  We are individual in how we grieve as well as our time frame, but also share commonalities with others here, enough to know that others "get it" and understand.

Today you do well just to get up and breathe.  A year from now no one will remember what you wore today.  Or ate.  

No, not tmi.  We've shared it all here.  I'm pretty much an open book, anything anyone cared to know about me is out here.  In over 20,000 posts shared, I doubt anyone would want to know bad enough to read it all!    We're a close knit group here, you're one of us now (don't let that scare you off!) as much as you want to be anyway.  And don't worry, I'm in yesterday's clothes too and I have no excuse, except they're warm and comfortable.

I lost my husband 15 1/2 years ago.  I wasn't lucky enough to get a good man afterwards, I ended up with a con that stole me blind and ditched me with $57,000 of HIS DEBT!  And never even lived with me.  Lived with two other women while we were married.  I wish I could have gotten an annulment, I do not think of him as a husband but as a con.  That's what I call him in my mind, "Con John."  I was vulnerable when I met him, I think cons prey on the vulnerable, they smell them like blood!

You got a good man after your loss and it's all too much and hitting you hard, I can imagine!  There have been others on this site who have also lost two good ones.  It's not easy, the loss of the persons as well as future/dreams.  It's a lot to miss and mourn.  

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Gwenivere]

Agree with Kay, there really isn’t TMI.  The more we get our emotions, actions, reactions and thoughts out, the more we can see we aren’t alone.  I know that is how I felt til I found this place.  Everything changed in my connections with people from when I was in a couple.  I was awkward, they were too.  No one knows what to do.  As their well meaning attempts started getting on my nerves I wondered how I would ever travel this grief journey.  For a brief time I had his sister who was a widow to guide me but she passed too.  I had my counselors and that’s all.  They certainly help, but not like someone who you can reach out to at any time as a friend without boundaries.  I’m glad you are seeking that route out, it does help. 

That your family doesn’t sound supportive really makes things so much harder.  You have gotten slammed twice and it is so unfair.  Not many find another really close partner and to have that hope snatched away is cruel.  Add in legal battles and your already drained energy is being pushed probably passed its limits.  We all know how crazy we felt in the first year, especially months.  

I hope you will continue to share here.  The place is open 24 hours so if you need an outlet, have a thought/feeling, or are just losing it, you can put it here and people will try and help.  At least listen if that’s all you need.  Sometimes we don’t want advice, just to vent.  Best to say that if that’s the case.  I know I’ve had times I bristle atcsuggestions.  Other times I need them. Just be you.  Hugs.

[Margm]

I don't think people know what to say.  When I was younger (a really lot younger) my friend's husband just did not wake up.  Aneurysm, I think.  I can remember saying something really terrible to her.  She was so sweet.  Over the very many years later we became even closer.  We wrote long messages to each other.  After I lost Billy, I remembered what I had said to her.  It was never brought up.  I did not think of myself as mean, but what I said was really sarcastic.  I regret it so much and she was one of the best friends I ever had.  She left us in April, a life unfinished, but I had solace she was with her husband.  They were apart the night he died, their last words were an argument, and she never got to say goodbye and it haunted her until death.  Two friends remarried.  One is a new acquaintance, a middle aged woman, still a young woman.  When I first met her, her first husband passed two years before and she had some excitement in her young life.  She had met someone.  They were married at Christmas (last year) and when I last saw her, she showed me the picture, his wedding picture of only a few short months, as his obituary picture.  No words help.  I could only repeat "I'm so sorry."  My lifelong friend got married three days before Billy and I did.  I was at her wedding, Billy was best man.  A lifetime later, we had lived many years less than a block from each other, he passed away with cancer.  Our kids grew up together and even call her "aunt."  They same with her kids talking to me.  Two years after he left she remarried and he promptly had a heart attack and she spent over 12 years lovingly taking care of him.  Now he is gone, and she grieves both lost mates.  The first woman is at work each day, the work on their new place was not finished, so she is finishing  it.  The second, while she took care of her husband, she ignored signs and symptoms of her illnesses.  A stroke has left her with few disabilities, but her heart has left her with many.  She forgot to take care of herself.  I think that is an easy thing to forget while under that dark heavy depression.  And, you really cannot listen to other people.  You have to do what feels right for you.  I was not supposed to move until a year had gone by, and I had to run.  You really cannot run from yourself, but I wanted to.  I could not stay in that house we had meant to leave anyhow.  It worked for me, it would not for everyone.  We approach things the best way we know how with that heavy cloud/fog hanging around our head.  Some of my other friends had the idea they could not leave the house they had raised their kids, the house they both had loved..  Billy and I never were homesteaders.  We stayed in one place until our kids went to the same school, graduated, we retired, then we hit the road.  The road was our home.  But, it was not mine alone.  So, I ran to a place I felt safest.  And actually, not many crazy people do that, but I do not regret it.  I had many years though.  I have been a lucky/blessed woman, without a man, because after all this time, there could be only one, for me.  Other people are young enough to start new life's.  I'm not, but I really, honestly do not regret being old.  My granddaughter (21) will see a nice looking fellow and say "does he move you?"  Well, 20-30 years ago maybe, but that was a long time ago.  I still can appreciate seeing a work of art though.  

That is just me and my experience with two friends.  My heart is with them.  They suffer perhaps doubly.  I'm not experienced, but I hear them, and I'm just so sorry for them.  I don't know if you will find answers here or anywhere.  I do know you are in a good place, we share feelings, bad days, lots of bad days.  We remember good days and we remember someone that left us here alone, not by choice.  I thought I would be with him by now.  I always have to remember the Robert Frost poem: 

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.

And somehow, for some reason, I am still here.

[Karine]

THANK You ALL....I believe Im still in shock. I have Chronic Lyme disease just as I got into remission...COVID hit and Mike just didn't feel right. I honestly worked hard at protecting us from COVID only to have him loose feeling in his legs July 4th...surgery found fungus compressing his spinal column. I trusted the doctors. We were told rehab 6 months anti fungals iv 6 months oral meds and he would be fine.So much bad care ...when I finally got him to hospital in Gainesville Labor day weekend it was too late. They told me what the other hospital did that killed him. I immediately hired a VIP Limo/Ambulance and took him home.....I only hope he knew I did everything no cost was spared. His drug addict son who we helped over and over just wants money.I havnt seen him since the funeral.although his lawyer contacted mine 2 months ago,...I offered many opportunities solutions and havnt heard a word....we only guess he discovered that attorney costs money and he's not entitled to anything.....( although I have discretely set up trust funds for both grandkids) His son owes me over 40k in legal fees and so much more...hasn't even asked where his father's ashes are. Im just beside myself.

[Gwenivere]

I’m sure you’re still in shock.  So much you are handling when you need time for your self care.  I don’t know what to say about your stepson.  You just don’t need that on top of your grief.  

[kayc]

Drug addicts are not the same as they once were or would have been.  I'm sure he raised a wonderful son but that all changed when...and it's so sad.  You definitely don't need that!  Even if awarded the attorney fees, how will you collect?  Maybe deduct it from what he might have otherwise been left from the estate?  I'm sorry you have this to deal with on top of everything, like you needed it!

Come here, vent, spew, we're here, we're listening.  

[Karine]

Well this may sound horrible....The plan is to make sure nothing is left at final accounting. I have been extremely successful. My husband was a great man but wasn't so good with finances. We kept everything separate. The investments and life insurance were in my name...however he never did a will so Its in probate what neither of us realized was in Florida biological children are entitled to 50% no matter what. Im sure there are many that think im the evil stepmother. However so much has been done for ( Alex) and he stole much from me and both my kids. The court doesn't care. He gets 1/2 after everything is paid. The items in probate don't add up to a fortune. Everything I have gotten is going into a separate account that I control and hopefully some day Mikes grands will have something from him. 
I talk to the Estate attorney regularly just to eat up money. I have not been reimbursed for all the items I paid out of pocket...funeral , security, private nurses yet so that will eat up a bunch. If i do it any other way and Alex gets a chunk of money he would spend it on drugs and I don't want his overdose on my shoulders. I also found many notes in my husbands phone and desk that clearly let me know not to give Alex anymore money.

[Kieron]

Having had someone in my house who, I now know in retrospect, was on something and robbing me blind in the days and weeks after Mark's death, I have a lot of sympathy for your situation, and I for one do not think it's "horrible" what you're doing.  You do what you have to do.  I did what I had to do.  I thankfully got rid of the creep but not before losing all my power tools, some electronics, some canned goods, and some semi-precious stones-- probably pawned for whatever he could get.

I'm sorry you have been through what you've described in losing two husbands, a situation made harder by an addict's behavior, and I am glad you are able to find some support here.

[kayc]

We do support you!  1,000%  I wish it were tangible, however...

Sometimes laws just aren't fair or right.  I'm lucky George's children never challenged anything, he died without a will, he hurt our estate, not helped it.  I was better off w/o husbands financially so it seems!  I went from having everything paid for before we married to owing $72,000 when he died.  Then came Con John, another $57,000!  I have it whittled down to $65,000 on the house now but unfortunately also have another $12,000 on my car too.  It'll get there, but meanwhile, I'm getting older.  I'll be 79 before it's all zero again unless I can do it ahead of time...I hope to by the time I'm 75.