I Am New To This Site And Glad To Find All Of You!

[Whiteswan]

My beloved Mom (age 80) passed on April 2, 2006 at home surrounded by family. My son (age 7) and I (age 46) have always lived with her and I took care of her during the steady decline in her health over the past 9 yrs. The pain I feel is like no other I have ever felt! I have lost my Dad (1985), my grandfather (1981), my brother (1962) , my grandmother (1991) and many beloved animals over the years but NOTHING has EVER affected me like losing my Mom! There is no pain like it! I cry and cry and then try to deal with life like raising my son, working and so on, and have had days where I think I'm going to pass out! This has happened at work several times -- a lightheaded almost seeing stars feeling and I've used all the strength I can muster to stay focused here to not hit the floor! When I've come home after those times I have been shaky then burst out into sobs for hours again! Anyone else had similar things to this? My son seems to be coping ok and he often sees my Mom in the house! I believe he does as he gets a shocked look on his face all of a sudden -ie- his eyes widen and his mouth drops then he'll say "There's Nana! She is standing in the living room!" then he'll say "She just disappeared!" One night he said "She's standing in the kitchen but I think she should think about changing those pajamas because she's had them on the last 3 times I've seen her appear!" I believe him and it does comfort me but I wish I could see her! She seems to appear to him all the time. I sense her and often smell her (you know how people have their own smell?). I tell very few of these things as most people think you're nuts if you mention such things. It seems too that most people have disappeared from our lives since the memorial on June 17, 2006. The few who have been in contact have been people that my son has called first! I feel that WE shouldn't have to be the ones to reach out! They were all on the phone, etc BEFORE the memorial finding out about how it was going to happen, how the sale of the house is going , etc, etc, and now that the memorial is over most have disappeared! Haven't even had the decency to pick up the phone to see if we're still even alive! Yes, it angers me! Anyway, I am glad there are others like all of you who will no doubt understand all of this.

[Maylissa]

Whiteswan,

Welcome to the board and please accept my condolences on your mother's passing. I lost mine, too ( now 2.5 yrs ago, which it still doesn't seem like ) and while I can't say it's the worst grief I've suffered, it's the second-worse, so far.

Yes, too many of us feel forgotten and ignored after a death, just as you said. It's so common it's scary, yet there also have been a few people who lost loved ones who I've tried to reach out to after some time had passed but they didn't respond. So I think it can go both ways, depending on if you're one who wants connection or one who needs time alone. Since everyone's different, I suppose it's no wonder everyone's so confused as to what to do or not do for the grieving. Unfortunately, this often means that people don't try either approach, so we can at least tell them where we're at and what we need or don't need. It's just plain aggravating and hurtful as h***. Even when, in time, I became a bit stronger and reached out AGAIN to some people, they ignored my pleas for companionship and help, so go figure. We've become a very insular society that doesn't care as much as we ought to, or doesn't know HOW to care anymore.

I think it's absolutely wonderful that at least your son is seeing your mom! Oh, what I wouldn't have given to have had anyone else in the house tell me they were seeing mine! ( although I sure understand your disappointment about YOU not being the one ) But, as I've read time and time again, children, who haven't had these notions completely drummed out of them, are often more easily able to use their other senses, or however it really works, and are just more open to such experiences than we jaded adults. Many adults are just too frightened, or just have too much conditioning, to allow such experiences to happen and I believe that our loved ones don't want to distress us further, so use the most appropriate and easiest means available to make contact. If it were me, I'd be asking whoever could see my loved one if they could start a conversation with them, or at least pass on messages from me to them! Our neighbour's girl was 'prone' to such visitations ( and still has more sensitivity to them than most of us though she's now an adult ) and took them in such stride that she even complained that 2 of her relatives were "making too much noise, partying" in her bedroom a few times, when she was trying to get to sleep! And at least you're getting her smell coming through...it's something. All I was able to get from my Mum were electrical disturbances, specifically-timed, messages through the radio and a couple of visitation dreams that were pretty powerful....but no 'sightings'....<sigh>

As for your dizziness, it's very common during periods of great stress, and especially if your back and neck have been suffering, too, with that down-in-the-dumps posture we can assume when grieving, which can cut off some oxygen and blood supply to the brain. You could try practising deep breathing from the abdomen, as many times in a day as you can remember, but especially when you start feeling dizzy....and put your head lower than your feet if possible, to get more blood to the brain...and try as best you can to watch your posture ( I'm terrible at this part! ). Grief isn't just an emotional response; it affects your whole being ~ emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual, so we need learn how all these aspects can affect us to avoid total panic when unfamiliar symptoms arise. Sometimes these only occur with our worst losses, or because the effects of loss are cumulative and they don't all show up until we've been 'saturated' with major losses.

While each loss is unique within ourselves, I think there really is something....how shall I say?....more unique about losing a mother, and especially if you're a daughter, ie. the same gender. This is a generalization, since there are also sons whose maternal loss is just as hard, and women who were closer to their fathers than their mothers, but that gender connection can be an added component to suffering. Probably more daughters than not shape themselves more after their mothers than their fathers, and we are taught more feminine things by our mothers, so it feels like we lose much more of ourselves when they're gone than from other losses. Plus, of course, they ARE the ones who bore us and I think there's a rather metaphysical connection from that that never dies.

The anguish is intense, I know, and it will take both time and griefwork to pull through, but it will happen eventually. Until then, talking, reading, finding support wherever you can, including but not necessarily limited to using these boards, and mainly accepting feeling whatever you happen to feel, is the order of the day for giving meaning to your mourning and aiding yourself in surviving and even eventually growing from it.

Edited July 10, 2006 by Maylissa

[jill]

My mom passed on 1/1/06, which is also my birthday. I was so busy for the first few months that I didn't really have time to grieve. Now, I am feeling her loss deeply, as well as having difficulties with my spouse, and the loss of my beloved pet on 6/30/06. It seems as if it is all too much to bear. The loss of my father and others in my life have not affected me like the death of my mother either. I didn't realize how much I needed her in my life. I call her home telephone hoping she'll answer. I also have times when I just sob for her to be here. Everything seems to be falling apart all at once for me. I have moved out of my home and in with my daughter (which I am so grateful for), yet I can't seem to function day-to-day. I haven't heard from my sister since February (she lives in Texas), and my brother doesn't talk much about his feelings, so it's just my daughter and me. Sometimes I wonder how much I can take before it's just too much. However, take care, and know that somehow we will make it through.

[shell]

Whiteswan and Jill,

I am so sorry for your losses, and since they are so recent, everything you are feeling is normal. Although crying all the time may seem like you are falling apart, it is very important to just let the tears fall. Their is so much therapeutic value in crying, so get the kleenex out and cry all you want.

Having no support from people you thought you would and losing friendships is a very common theme here. Most of us have had the same experience and it is hard and hurtful, but eventually you will reach a point where you can just say, "Fine. Who needs you?" It is probably one of the main reasons we are all on this board! Someone who UNDERSTANDS to talk to!

My mom saw my dad once after he died. And a friend of hers saw her husband once after he died. I think it is wonderful and very comforting that your son is seeing your mom!

Just try to take one day at a time, cry all you want, and hang in there. Things will get better as you move into other stages of grieving.

Hugs to you both,

Shell

[Whiteswan]

Thank you all for the supportive replies! Now I don't feel so alone and actually it was strange yesterday after I made my first post here: I had taken the day off work and kept my son out of daycare for the day as I had had a bad night, was tired and just distraught with grief. About an hour after I made my first post here, the Minister of our church called to see how we were doing (support #1) then my sister called asking me if I needed any sinus spray as she can't take the kind she bought (I think it was just an excuse to call as I don't really think she knows how to approach/connect with me as I was my Mom's caregiver and my sister has never been able to do that so I think there is guilt , etc there). Then a few hours later a friend of the family called to see how we are doing and we had a good talk. Her parents passed 6 weeks apart about 4 yrs ago so she knows how it feels. She said she would have called earlier but thought I needed some time alone as she did when her parents passed so everyone is different. Then about an hour after that I was surprised when there was a knock at my door and there stood one of my best friends who had been very supportive throughout my Mom's death and afterward but I hadn't seen her since the memorial! She threw her arms around me and said "I think your Mom sent me here today because I was at the Mall and I had a really strong feeling to come here , but I thought no you can't just drop in on her then I almost swear I heard your Mom's voice say oh yes you can! I kept feeling your Mom's presence all through the Mall and into my car so here I am!" She said she didn't come earlier because she thought I wanted to be alone because after the memorial when a lot of different people invited my son and I over to their places for that night or offered to come to our house for the night I had thanked them all but said I just wanted to go home, change into lounging clothes and be quiet. Yes I did say that so I guess I gave them all the impression to leave me alone! I meant for that night but oh well! So... I do have support and it is also wonderful to have this new group of friends too as you are all walking the same road I am right now!

Maylissa said that mom's are more connected via they bore us so there is a metaphysical bond there -- I totally agree and while my Mom was dying she sort of confirmed that as she kept talking to her Mom! I could sense my Grandmother really strong in her bedroom and my Mom kept telling her to wait , she wasn't ready yet which was right I guess as my aunts hadn't arrived yet. After they came and left my Mom said all of a sudden "Oh Mommie, my Mommie!" then passed about an hour later. My Mom was very aware the whole time , spoke to everyone who was here, answered appropriately, etc, her mind was right here and she was not on any drugs so she was not seeing or hearing things. She talked right up to the last hour or so then couldn't due to congestion in her throat/lungs but she would still nod her head yes or no when asked a question.

Anyway must sign off to see what my son is doing. Thanks to all.

[AnnC]

I signed on to this thread because although my parents are both still here, my father has stage 4 cancer, and isn't doing all that well. I am happy to see that it's okay to discuss hearing from loved ones who have passed. My ex-husband has sent me a lot of electrical disturbances, his smell, songs, and dreams, which are very comforting, although I still miss him. I had an intersting dream just the other night. I dreamed that I was in a room with my ex-husband and my father. They had just come back from somewhere, and my ex said he had been showing my father around. I realized (in the dream) that he was giving my father a tour of the afterlife! It was kind of cool, although it gave me jitters, too, that my father's time may be approaching fast. But I am sure it was meant to be a reassurance.

I do on occasion see my ex's spirit, but only in a quick flash. Once I was sitting in my grief group and I saw him walk behind my chair. I quickly turned to the other side, but no one was there. No one else at the table reacted, but then the lights in one of the offices went off then on by themselves, and the phone rang with no one there when it was answered, and then that happened again.

I wonder if I still can see spirits because I saw my uncle when I was ten, and my parents didn't really react much -- just kind of, "oh, that's nice." So I didn't get that impression that it was wrong or ridiculous. On rare occasions, I have seen some of my deceased relatives and friends. It is nice to know they continue to exist, and are around us.

Ever since my father's cancer was diagnosed, I have smelled both my grandmothers at times, so I believe they are around to support my parents.

As for crying, I cried for two years after my ex's death, and am still crying, but not every day any more. I really went to pieces, even though we'd been divorced for 20 years. I know I will cry when my father passes. Crying is healthy in grief, I firmly believe that.

[Maylissa]

Whiteswan,

It's good to hear some support finally came through for you! ( and of course, we're still all here for you, too, anytime ) Even if many got the wrong impression at first, at least they're willing to be there now. Wonderful, wonderful.

I also have to thank you for sharing your story about your mom's passing with us. I absolutely love to hear about these affirmations, especially when someone can confirm that drugs &/or physical ailments weren't possibly blurring the picture. I always think of the nay-sayers not having anything left to debunk in these instances and it warms the cockles of my heart. Yours is about the 3rd or 4th one I've read about that was like that.

AnnC,

I also loved your story about your ex's visitations and the other relatives you've seen yourself. Had your parents chided you for seeing your uncle, I believe you might have lost this sense, as have so many due to derision they suffered when young.

I had a similar experience after my Mum passed, and it was also in a grief group. I'd asked her to be there with me that night and when the group was about to begin that week's planned sharing our loved ones' stories, the lights all 'round the room started flickering madly, then stopped. We were all looking around to see if the rest of the building was affected, and it wasn't. I silently asked my Mum if that had been her doing that and to answer me by making them flicker again if it was so.....and they did, and only this once more. This then led to the very topic of visitations, although I didn't then share what I had just done. Somehow, it just felt too personal, seeing as I didn't know these people very well. I know I've had some people suggest that events like this are tied to demons, not our loved ones, but really, all I can do is laugh at such a suggestion.....ooooo...BAD demon, bringing me feelings of comfort and assurance! I think they'd all be in line for a demotion, at this rate.....

[Whiteswan]

My son sees my Mom all the time (at least 2-3 times a day ) and I recently told him to not EVER let anyone tell him that it is crazy, not real, or from the devil, etc, etc. I told him to keep open to it and it is a gift from God so don't let anyone ever take it from him. I saw my uncle one night shortly after he died in 1994 (I was 34 then) and I saw my brother various times when I was younger in my childhood and early 20's but I still haven't seen my Mom. I had a dream the other night with her in it . She was all dressed up in the dress she wore to my nephew's wedding 10 yrs ago and she was happy. I was trying to help her walk (I was her caregiver ) and she said she didn't need me to help anymore and stood on one leg to show me how well she could balance without assistance now. Near the end of that dream I know someone (I don't know exactly who) told me that I will see her appear but have too much grief blocking it right now. Now if I told most people all of this they would possibly call 911 to have me committed to the looney ward!

[nic]

Hello Whiteswan

I agree with what you said to your son. If I had a child, would have done the same. I have lost my mom (I am an unique child) April 16th, and I did not see her after but I had dreams...I did not want to believe them but after reading yours....

In my dreams my mom phoned me to offer me a lift from work....she did not drive the last 2 years of her life but she assured me she could. the 2nd dream, (which was fabulous but will not go in detials). she told me she was going for a swim...my mom did not know how to swim. She told me, now, she could.

I also did not talk much about this, people relating it to

"bad spirit" or me being very afflicted....but some who knew para-psychology said that it could be more.

It may be only a coincidence of dreams...but your post really helped me in thinking, that there could be something more.

thanks and please share more dreams and I will too.

[AnnC]

No, not a coincidence. This is a dream visit. I must tell you this type of communication is accepted as perfectly normal by most of the world, but in the developed, Western world they tend to dismiss it.

I have had several dream visits. In one, I was at a party in a house, and my family and my former husband's friends were all there. I was talking to someone and saw past them through a window that he was standing there. I knew he was dead and that I had hoped to see him, but didn't expect to. I walked out the door, and went over to him. He looked completely normal, just like he always looked, and I remember standing there in the dream, looking him over in detail to make sure it was really him. I said, "You're really here!" and reached out to touch him. My hand passed through him, and he said, "I'm here, but not actually here. Not physically here." I turned to the others, who had followed me out, and said, "Do you see him?" They all said no, but seemed to totally accept that I did. I turned back to him, and he had disappeared.

The most amazing one I had was one where he called me in the dream on the phone and asked me to meet with him. I went to a beach and he was there, and he hugged me. This was so real that I saw what clothes he was wearing, felt the hug, and could smell his clean cotton shirt and his own personal smell. Then he said his liver was fine and he felt great, and he danced around to show me his energy. He said one minute his liver was shot, and the next it was fine, and he was fine. Then the scene faded and I found myself in bed. No kidding, it was not like waking up -- it was more like the scene just changed around me. I wonder if it was an out of body experience.

I cling to these dreams when I get too depressed and lonely -- I know he's fine now and around me in spirit.

[lorikelly]

Hi

I found this website off another one about ADC's. My mom passed on July3, 2006 and i am having a very hard time. I was my moms caregiver for 18 mos before she passed at a nursing home with hospice (she had only been there for one month). She never wanted to go to a nursing home so i took her home with me. She was completely bedridden with a foley cath, and feeding tube . She only took meds by the tube and liquids. she ate all her food by mouth cut up real small. she suffered from copd, chr and aspiration phneumonia. i washed her, feed her and medicated everyday. She lost the ability to walk and her hands stopping working well enough to feed herself. We did do pt at home but she did not improve so it stopped. When she came home in Dec of 2004 it was 3 days before christmas and the dr said she only had 6 mos to live. She lived 18 mos at home with us. I have two boys age 7 and 11 who loved her and she loved them. I miss her alot and am not sure what to do with my self anymore. She had alot of emotional problems also and our family was very dysfunctional. I am one of five and i am the youngest 38 and the oldest is 56. Nobody wanted to take care of her which i understand was alot but they never wanted to help either. they wanted her to go into a nursing home the day in dec. i had made her a promise that i wouldn't put her in one and i just could not break it. my one brother cut off contact long before this b/c he could not deal with my mom or the problems (he has a masters degree in social work) my one sister decieded to pick up and move to florida when my mom is her sickest b/c honestly i believe she didn't want to have to deal with it. then does not tell she has moved until she it there for almost 3 weeeks. the other two are wrapped upin their lives. i am not saying i am perfect but i just wanted them to be supportive of my decision and give relief help so that we could have time off. my mom did not have the best insurance and the only help we could get was 2hrs a day for a aid and the visiting nurse once a week who was a angel. the whole jist of this is that they do not speak to me at all and blame me for alot of things. it may sound crazy but i grieve for my mom and also for the loss of my family. we have not spoken in over a yr. i am also dealing with alot of quilt . things i should of done differently with my mom. sometimes i would get mad at her b/c i was so emotionally, mentally and physically tired. i know that my mom loved me very much and i loved her or i wouldn't of done what i did. the last thing she said to me was i love you. she told me she loved me more then i would ever know. i just wish i could see her again to say i am sorry for anything i needed to say it for. some days i don't thnink i can go on the pain is so intense and i just keeping going over every scenerio in my head. i cry most of the time, can't eat, have chronic diar and overall sadness. when will it stopp hurting. i am in therapy and have started taking zanax b/c i was having so much anxiety and panic attacks. i can't stop thinking about it all day and night. the pain is so bad i have never felt this bad. i never wanted my mom to die i wanted her to keeping fighting , i know now that she just couldn't. pls someone tell me when it gets better, i need to go on i have two beautiful little boys and a wonderful husband but i am feeling desperate. i grief for the loss of my mom, my family and all the things that could of been. if anyone has any advice i would appreciate it.

[shell]

Lorikelly,

It never ceases to amaze me how many families fall apart after a death. And usually because people (like your brothers and sisters) can't face it and run away. There is always one strong one, who loves enough, to take on the painful and exhausting role of caregiver. I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. I was the main caretaker for my dad when he was ill (and he was home too) and you are right about becoming emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. So don't blame yourself for the times you got angry. We are, after all, just human and can only take so much before we snap a little and maybe react in a bad way. But I'm sure your mom understood this and doesn't blame you. So let the guilt slide away.

I know you won't believe this right now, but it will get easier to cope with all these feelings. But it takes awhile and you have to just go easy on yourself in the meantime. I also had to take meds for anxiety attacks and am still on them. I also went through terrible guilt about every little thing that I felt I should have done differently or times I got snappish or whatever....I finaly realized that it is normal. None of us can be perfect and I know my dad knew I loved him and I knew he loved me. That's all that really matters. I know you did a good job of taking care of your mom and that she knew you loved her.

As for your family, I know how painful that must be, like you've lost so much more. All I can say is that they showed their true colors. You, your husband, and your kids are all the family you need and the restof your family will just have to live with themselves. Their neglect will probably come back to haunt then someday.

Things will change, honestly. Just hang in there and get all the help you need.

Hugs,

Shell

[lorikelly]

thanks for answering me and for your thoughts. i am trying to hang in there and getting all the help i can. i try to only take my xanax once a day b/c i am afraid of that it will stop working or that i will always need it. i am trying my hardest not to let my family get to me but it is hard. i can only see what i did and not there negative things. we had to stop my family from going to our house to see my mom b/c it was causing so many problems and fights. my husband and children could not take the stress. my family could of taken my mom to there house for a weekend and cared for her just like i did here. they never wanted to. my therapist says b/c they were afraid they would get stuck with her. it was alot of work but they could of done it. then they said they were going to find her a nursing home and never did. my brother wrote us nasty letters and wanted copies of my moms health cards so he could find a home up north closer to them well that was aug of 05 and he never found one. my sister told me mom she was working on having her move down to florida to live by her and then never did anything about it. she lied and told my mom due to her state insurance she could not go but that was not true i checked into that. i think nobody wanted to be the one to place her in a nursing home b/c that was my moms greatest fear and they didn't want to be the one to do it. they wanted me to do it so that she could not blame them. she spent 11 days in the hospital and 4 weeks in the nursing home before she passed. my one sister went to see her 2 times in the hospital and then told my mom that if she was just going to lay there and die then she woudld not waste her time coming to see her. we live 1 1/2 hrs away from my other siblings. then she waited 3 weeks before she came to see my mom in the home, this was the week before she passed. the other ones saw her only one time the week before she passed and she had been out of my house for 5 weeks. i try to remenber this when i start to feel quilty and there is so much more. i am trying to cope with the loss of my mom and so much more. i know that my mom was happy here and never wanted to be a home i feel bad that she died in a nursing home something i promised her would never happen. i just wish i could feel better about it all. thanks for listening to me.

[Haley]

Lorrikelly

I am in the same boat with you and do we feel alone and as if nobody cares but like me I feel as if coming here and writing each and every day and sometimes a few times a day it helps hang in there and we can all get through this together and a family sence ares are so out of wacked sorry if I offened anybody not trying to just my feelings I will talk to you tomorrow you can also pm me and as many times a day as needed about anything.

Thanks

Haley

[cathsnider]

Hi Whiteswan - I saw your posting and had to respond to it. I too, lost my wondeful mom (age 64!) on May 17, 2006. She died a very painful death from stomach cancer and I spent the last two weeks of her life with her in the hospital. We were very, very close and I feel so absolutely alone and depressed. My husband and I do not have ANY family where we live, and now ever since my mom died, like you said, no one calls or emails. It seems as though ever since the funeral, no one has bothered to check in and see how I'm doing. Even my brother and sister in-law haven't called me at all!!! It's amazing and heartbreaking. At any rate, I am very sorry for your loss and feel your pain. The main reason I wanted to respond to you was because of your description of what is happening to you physically - I am/was experiencing the EXACT SAME THING! About 3 weeks after her death, I was paying for an item at the store and had that lightheaded, blackness from my peripheral vision kind of thing. I had to grab the wall. Worst of all it made me so scared to walk out to my car and drive home!! I've gotten it a couple times since then so I went to the doctor. I had a lot of blood work done and nothing came back so she put me on Lexapro and it is really helping. I am still kinda woozy at times though, but it has helped with the crying and the dizzy spells and it has only been 2 weeeks of taking it. It is supposed to get even better....so maybe you could try that, or something like it. I look for signs from my mom all the time and don't feel or see anything === that would be very helpful to feel that peace, but it isn't coming to me yet. This is going to be such a painful, long process of healing. It is hard to imagine ever feeling normal again. I wish you well on your journey of recovery.

[dpodesta]

cathsnider,

I couldn't help but notice that you have been a member for awhile but haven't posted before. It you reply, you mentioned you feel alone that no one checks up on you. On this site, if you post, there are a lot of good people on this site that will be more than willing to check up on you as often as you like. We are like family here and like to here how things are going for you weather they are good or bad and no one will judge you. Hope to here more from you.