It's been almost a month

[jathas]

In two days, on July 28th, it will have been exactly one full month since I suddenly lost my soulmate.  I don't even know how I've made it through this past month.  Most of it is a blur.  I feel like my life has been frozen in time on the day he passed, like I'm living in this dark tunnel that I can't find my way out of and can't see the light at the end of.  My parents, best friend, dogs, and cats have been instrumental in keeping me somewhat sane.  It's so devastating because I literally don't know a life without my husband.  I was with him since I was only 18 years old.  I was with him for over half of my life and for my entire adult life.  We met and started dating the same week I graduated from high school.  He helped shape and form the person I am today.  He was 11 years my senior.  We had just gone under contract to buy our dream home only 4 or 5 days before he so suddenly left this world.  Now, I am left trying to continue on with our dream of purchasing this house and having to deal with the loan officer, underwriter requesting more and more documents, etc.  Closing is supposed to be on August 8th.  I want to continue purchasing this home because I know it's what my husband would have wanted.  He loved this house so much and he was so excited for it.  I want to do this in honor of him and what we had together.  It's just hard.  SO, SO hard.  I miss him so much it hurts.  I wake up every morning feeling anxious and terrified knowing that he's not here.  He was here for 22 years.  How am I supposed to get past this?  I'm only 40 years old (will be 41 in September) and I don't want to be alone forever.  I'm the type of person who needs companionship and who needs to feel loved and to have somebody to love.  It's just what my husband and I had was SO special and rare and I don't know if I'll ever find that again.  We were soulmates.  It's so difficult to have the level of comfort in a relationship that my husband and I had.  We could be our true, raw selves with each other.  We could confide in each other about anything and we could do anything together.  We were rarely ever apart for 22 years and now I have been robbed of my best friend and soulmate.  I'm also so frustrated and angry that he would not take any steps to improve his health so that this whole thing could have been avoided, which I BEGGED and nagged him to do for YEARS, so it's been a whole rollercoaster of emotions.  I'd give anything to have him back for even just one day.  I miss his hugs so much.  I always knew I was safe and protected with him.  Now, I am so lost and feel so vulnerable and alone.  😥

[nashreed]

I'm so sorry, jathas. I know what it's like to miss hugs. I haven't had one since the day before Annette's passing. My father-in-law was good about putting his arm around me and was very sweet, but I haven't ever been comfortable hugging men and I'm sure he sensed that. 

I never used to be the type of person to need anyone.... until Annette. She changed me and I became "obsessed" with her. It sounds bad, but I was persistent, and that was good, because we were really meant to be together. We met and a few months later we started going out. I was so inept at relationships, and she had her own issues at the time, and she couldn't "teach" me how to be a boyfriend at the time, so we broke up. I was miserable and I pined for her and paced around the same basketball court that I pace around now.... thinking of ways to win her back. I actually had an opportunity to be in another relationship to a pretty black girl who I worked with. She really liked me and tried to initiate something, but I was too hung up on Annette. We actually went to Disneyland together (with another girl from work! Two girls!!), but I ruined it. It was a disaster because I was obsessed with Annette. I carried her picture with me all the time and I have it on my wall next to my bed still. Through much struggle and perseverance, I won her back and we were together for 30 years. 

I miss her so much. I'm now also the type of person who needs companionship. I seem to get grief on here, because I'm made to feel like a jerk that I would want someone else after losing my soulmate. I can't handle the thought of being alone like this for years and I am just in not in any position to have anything to offer anyone. No job, no money- I can't even look people in the eye. Nobody wants me-- I'm no one's idea of a catch. I'm sure you would have no problem meeting someone when you're ready. It's going to take time, but you have a great future ahead of you. Your beloved soulmate would be happy that you will have happiness again. He wants the best for you, I'm sure of it. I never blame Annette for her health problems and though she could have made better choices, I can't blame her for any of it. When I see her again, I don't want there to be anything but love- no guilt, no blame. 

Just take it one day at a time. I know my first month without her was a blur, because I had to put my tail between my legs and move back home. I couldn't stay in our house with my meager income and so I had the distraction of moving halfway across the country by myself. I packed (including 40 boxes of CD's) completely alone and a moving company hauled our life away, wrecking some stuff in the process. At least I had my mom to go back to. 

I'm glad you have a best friend to lean on. I never knew the importance of friends until I lost my only true one. Hang in there. I only wish you the best in everything. You will make it. 

[jathas]

2 hours ago, nashreed said:

I seem to get grief on here, because I'm made to feel like a jerk that I would want someone else after losing my soulmate. I can't handle the thought of being alone like this for years

There is absolutely nothing wrong with needing/wanting companionship and not wanting to be alone.  I feel the exact same way.  We are only human and our souls crave love and connection.  Matt and I were together nonstop for 22 years.  Aside from when we were working, we were ALWAYS together and we always had each other to rely and lean on.  To have that suddenly ripped away from you is so crippling.   I will ALWAYS love my husband with all my heart.  He was my first and only true love.  He was the first and only one I was ever intimate with.  I have always said that we obviously must have had a very intense connection and bond for me, an 18-year-old wild and free kid, to fall so head over heels in love after spending just a few days with him.  I had NEVER felt that way about any other guy.  When I first met Matt, marriage or even a serious relationship were the furthest things from my mind.  I was just a kid a few months shy of 19 who had just graduated from high school and hadn't even been out in the real world yet.  I was having a blast dating different guys, hanging out with my friends, and planning for college.  Then, along came Matt and everything changed.  I was completely swept off my feet.  I remember after we had spent several days together in Acadia National Park and he had to go back to Boston because he had to get back to work, I was bawling my eyes out.  I did NOT want him to leave.  I knew he was the one.  To experience that at such a young age is so incredibly rare.  The only thing I can call it is a soul connection.  It was like I knew at that very moment at just 18 years old that we were supposed to be together and that we were meant to meet.  Nothing could keep us apart.  

While I so badly want to love again, I'm terrified that I'll never find anybody like Matt, or even close.  I'm worried that I will constantly be comparing other men to Matt, and that's not fair to anybody.  I'm just so lost.  I don't really know what I'm supposed to do.   I've never once been a religious person in my entire life, but I've spent this entire past month praying for some sort of guidance.  I also pray that Matt will always be watching over me.   I don't think I will ever recover from losing him.

[nashreed]

I really believe that Annette watches over me, though she can't interact with me, and that just is so lonely a position to be in. It doesn't make my love for Annette any less that I would want someone to at least be a friend and companion- but widows/widowers don't seem to understand most of the time. I'm sure she hates that I am so down and she wishes there could be someone for me. Alas, it's easier said than done. 

You have to live and be happy and it's ok if someone is not Matt or anything like him. It's not fair to you to be alone and lost. He wouldn't want that for you. The second volume of your life story is beginning, and there's a bright future for you. Don't make it a short story- make it a thick pageturner. 

[jathas]

16 minutes ago, nashreed said:

You have to live and be happy and it's ok if someone is not Matt or anything like him. It's not fair to you to be alone and lost. He wouldn't want that for you. The second volume of your life story is beginning, and there's a bright future for you. Don't make it a short story- make it a thick pageturner. 

Thank you so much for this!  It really does help.  I know for a fact that Matt wouldn't want me to be sad and alone for the rest of my life.  I'm only 40.  I don't want to be alone.  In fact, I HATE it.  I've NEVER been alone in my entire life.  Sure, I have always enjoyed my "me" time and Matt and I would do our own things around the house, but just knowing that he's not here and that I can't just run into the other room or text message him to talk to him is the most depressing thing in the world for me.   I just need someone who I can connect with and who will accept me for me the way that Matt always did.  Of course, they also have to be an animal lover because my pets are the world to me (Matt and I never had kids and our pets have always been our babies and have always meant the world to us).  Right now, I'm so deep in my grief that I can't even think about being with anyone else; however, at some point, I would love to find someone.  The memories that I have with Matt and the love that I have for him will be kept in my heart forever.

[nashreed]

Of course, my memories of Annette are treasures that I guard greedily, and she gave me so much love for my heart, but the loneliness now is making me just not want to live. I feel like such a disappointment that I'm succumbing to this, but I don't know how to find someone else. You have everything going for you (support system, age, your own home)- you are in control of your own destiny and Matt is so proud of you and he can't wait to see what's in store for you. 

[kayc]

@jathas If this is how you are feeling and you hate to be alone, I would encourage you to do just that...find someone.  However NOT until you've had time to get used to being "just you" separate and apart from anyone else.  It may take some time for you to do that, fully grieve, get used to being alone and know who you are as a single person.  Then will be the time, if you still feel the same.  There are worse things than being alone, one of them being with the wrong person.

[Boho-Soul]

15 hours ago, jathas said:

I don't want to be alone.  In fact, I HATE it.  I've NEVER been alone in my entire life.

I think there’s nothing wrong with wanting a relationship, needing one can sometimes be a different story, especially when one’s grief is so raw. Getting into a relationship to fill the void of loneliness may not be wise. One should feel complete and whole as a single person before pursuing a relationship. Since you’ve never experienced being single and on your own this is a huge learning opportunity for you to find out who you are as a single woman. Take proper time to grieve and bring yourself into a new baseline of who you are first. 

[jathas]

I'm definitely not planning on rushing out to find someone.  That is not even on my radar at this point.  Matt and I shared an amazing 22 years together.  We were so in love and were soulmates.  I am nowhere NEAR ready to date or get involved in a new relationship.  It has only been a month (well, tomorrow it will be a month).  Of course, being with the wrong person is much worse than being alone and I would NEVER want that.   All I want is my husband.  He was the only one I ever wanted, but now he's not here and I am left with the raw, unbearable pain of losing him.  I've said it before and I'll say it again - he was the air in my lungs....always.  I have a necklace that I wear every day with our initials on it and it says "always and forever."  I still wear my wedding band and have NO plans to take it off any time soon.  What Matt and I had cannot be easily replicated.  Our connection and love were so deep.  I still can't shake the feeling of shock that he's gone.  One day, when the timing is right, I hope to meet someone who I can love, but right now, all I want is my Matt.  He wasn't just my husband, but my best friend.  😥

[scba]

8 minutes ago, jathas said:

   All I want is my husband.  

We can totally relate. This is the hardest thing to go through. Why do we have to look for someone else? We didn't ask this. 

Someone in this forum once said: I would have preferred that he left me for someone else. At least he would be alive....

 

[jathas]

My grief is so multifaceted.  Matt had many chronic health issues that went on for many years.  However, in these last 2-3 years or so, his health really took a downward turn.  This year in particular (obviously) has been the worst.  He had to be rushed to the hospital in early February with severe sepsis that they could never determine the source of.  They had to give him pressor medications to get his blood pressure up because it was dangerously low.  He also had sepsis about a year prior to that and the exact cause was never determined at that time either.  Then, in early April, this foot wound cropped up out of nowhere.  Literally, it was like it just appeared out of thin air.   He suddenly one day started complaining of his right foot being very painful.  At the time, I remember thinking to myself, "Oh, great.  Here we go again.  Another ailment/complaint."  I don't think I even saw the wound in the very beginning when he first brought it up, but he did go to his PCP, who was extremely concerned about it and urgently referred him to a podiatrist/diabetic limb salvage specialist about 30 minutes from where we live.  Then, he ended up in the hospital for about a week, where they took him to the operating room several times to clean out the wound and remove an infected metatarsal.  The conclusion was that he had Charcot foot and had also fractured his foot at some point (we had no idea when or how - he never mentioned any foot pain prior), hence the infected bone that had to come out.  When he came home from the hospital, the wound was huge.  He ended up back in the hospital about a week or two later with sepsis and was in the hospital for another several days to a week.  He ended up getting a PICC line so he could come home and infuse the antibiotics through the PICC line himself.  When he passed, he was in severe metabolic acidosis, which is a clear indicator of severe sepsis, and they also believe that he had a pulmonary embolism due to right atrial enlargement of his heart that wasn't there on a very recent echocardiogram that he had during one of his recent hospitalizations only weeks earlier.   The embolism very well could have come from his PICC line.  His doctors all told him that he needed a below-knee amputation and warned him that he was at severely high risk of developing life-threatening sepsis if they didn't amputate fairly quickly, but my husband refused.  He wanted to do everything possible to try and save his foot and insisted on continuing with the daily wound care and PICC line antibiotic infusions.   He was terrified of ending up like his mother, who was wheelchair-bound due to losing a leg as a result of something similar at a similar age as my husband (also diabetic).  

It all boils down to the fact that even before his passing, I had already been mourning the loss of our marriage/relationship as it once was before his health took a drastic turn for the worst and it became the main focus of our lives.  We used to be so active and spontaneous and loved to travel and do a variety of things together.  We had plans almost every weekend.  Our life was never boring.  However, over the past 2-3 years, that all stopped.  My husband suffered from chronic pain due to severe spinal canal stenosis and was on opiates for years.  Those pills alone, especially when taken chronically over a period of many years, will drastically change a person.  It was like he stopped caring about almost everything and he was just a shell of my husband.  He rarely ever felt well and didn't have the energy or the physical ability to do so many of the things that we used to do.  He couldn't drive very long distances due to his worsening back and neck pain.  He was also frequently irritable and in a bad mood.  That led me into a deep depression.  I have always loved my husband with all my heart and so badly wanted him to get better and to be happy again, but it wasn't happening, so I've just spent the past 2-3 years in my office working.  My depression caused me to lose interest in just about everything as well, so I definitely could sympathize with how my husband was feeling.   We rarely did anything and rarely went anywhere during that time.  I tried with all my might to help my husband improve his health and the quality of his life and begged him to adopt healthier habits and to quit smoking, but it was like talking to a brick wall.  Still, though, we had each other.  He was always here when I needed him and our love never faded.  I never once gave up on him and I did my very best to take care of him.   Everything that has happened has me devastatingly heartbroken and I miss him so, so much.  Just his presence alone (even when he was in a grumpy mood) was so comforting and reassuring to me.

[Sad_Widower]

Hello Jathas,

Here is hoping that tomorrow goes as well as it can for you.  I would not be surprised if you dream about your husband in the following nights. 

I think when I was in your state I started thinking weekly. My wife passed on a Thursday morning at 6:38am, and each Thursday, at that time, I would hold a moment of silence for her, and pray that our spirits were able to align and “communicate” in knowing we were thinking of one another.  It really helped me and I did feel a sense of her being during these times.  

What I struggle with now, and unsure how your mourning will evolve, is how to best commemorate the the anniversary of passing.  Being Roman Catholic, one tradition we have (as other faiths) is to light a candle in her honor. This is something I do religiously, so struggle on how to make it “special” during these times.  I imagine each grieving person will work through it individually. 

On a positive note, I personally feel you are doing a wonderful job in remembering your husband and keeping his memory alive.  It’s one of the most important things I feel anyone can do for a lost loved one.  I shutter to think of people who have passed and never through of again.  

Each person throughout history lived a life, had feelings, felt love, and most achieved so many things, I am happy that you are approaching it as such, and would imagine your husband is sensing this some how based on the continued spiritual connection you seem to have.   

[jathas]

15 minutes ago, Sad_Widower said:

Hello Jathas,

Here is hoping that tomorrow goes as well as it can for you.  I would not be surprised if you dream about your husband in the following nights. 

I think when I was in your state I started thinking weekly. My wife passed on a Thursday morning at 6:38am, and each Thursday, at that time, I would hold a moment of silence for her, and pray that our spirits were able to align and “communicate” in knowing we were thinking of one another.  It really helped me and I did feel a sense of her being during these times.  

What I struggle with now, and unsure how your mourning will evolve, is how to best commemorate the the anniversary of passing.  Being Roman Catholic, one tradition we have (as other faiths) is to light a candle in her honor. This is something I do religiously, so struggle on how to make it “special” during these times.  I imagine each grieving person will work through it individually. 

On a positive note, I personally feel you are doing a wonderful job in remembering your husband and keeping his memory alive.  It’s one of the most important things I feel anyone can do for a lost loved one.  I shutter to think of people who have passed and never through of again.  

Each person throughout history lived a life, had feelings, felt love, and most achieved so many things, I am happy that you are approaching it as such, and would imagine your husband is sensing this some how based on the continued spiritual connection you seem to have.   

I was just telling our best friend last night that I want to ALWAYS keep his memory alive.  He was such an amazing guy.  EVERYBODY who met him or worked with him loved him.   He would give the shirt off his back if it was the very last shirt he had to someone in need.  He was the easiest person in the world to talk to and everyone just felt an immediate comfort in his presence.  I had that comfort for 22 years.  His charisma, his charm, and his reassurance always made even the worst situations seem not so bad.  He could make just about anybody feel at ease.  That's why he was such a great paramedic and nurse for so many years.  

He died on June 28, 2022, at 2:17 p.m.  I love the idea of holding a moment of silence in his memory and trying to connect with him at that time next year and every other year for as long as I live.  I've never been a religious person whatsoever.  My mother is Jewish and my father is a Catholic priest (interesting combination, I know!).  Right now, I am more about spirituality than religion and believing that we do still live on in spirit form after we leave our physical bodies and that we really can connect with our loved ones who have passed and that they will always be with us.  It's really all I have to grasp onto at this point.  I miss his physical presence so much that I actually get nauseous and a couple of times even threw up when I was REALLY missing him.   It's just the anxiety of repeatedly realizing he's gone that overwhelms me and almost puts me into a state of sheer panic.  I've never known a life without him.  When I met him, I was just an 18-year-old kid still living at home with my parents and then we moved in together about a month after we met.  We've been together ever since.  

I know that tomorrow will be VERY difficult for me.  It's the one-month anniversary.  I keep saying like I feel like somebody hit stop on my life on June 28th and I haven't been able to move past that day.  It's like I'm trapped, frozen in time.  It's the worst feeling I've ever experienced in my life.  😥

[Sad_Widower]

 Very interesting combination (in a good way).  On a personal note, I too am more aligned with my own spirituality vs following a specific religious doctrine.  In fact I have turned to many religious leaders in multiple faith (including Islamic, Hinduism) any place I could find the strength to continue.  

Do you mind if I ask…do you feel like part of you died with your husband? I explain it to people that I concretely feel like 90% of me died with my wife.  By that my desire for “life” instantly went away.  
I have this sinking feeling what I experienced is extremely abnormal, and after some time have become very diligent in disallowing myself from falling apart.  
Additionally, this forum is the only place I’ve detailed my experience with anyone. I attempted to allude to my family friends of this wreckage, but get the feeling they don’t want to be bothered with it, so the vast majority of it I’ve kept internal. 
Additionally, while I was never someone that doubted “depression” existed,  I never was able to understand it…and certainly never imagined myself falling this far in to it. 

As you seem to do, I hold dear to my heart just how incredibly blessed I was up until my wife’s passing. It‘s almost as if I’ve experienced both extremes of life. Perhaps this is just my fate.  i don’t know. My gratitude for the past can only carry me so far with my present and future. Part of me thinks “do I just grin and bear this?” then part of me thinks “this is abnormal and imperative I do something to get myself out of it.”

What I can say is  expressing this outwardly (again something I have not done) seems to help…if anything other than to structure my thoughts  

I also cannot express the gratitude I feel in being able to dialogue with you all   It has helped me more than I feel I can ever express   

To that end, In the event you share any of these feelings, I can be here, for you and anyone else feeling this way in whatever capacity I can.  

[KarenK]

Nothing abnormal at all about feeling that part of you has died, especially if the two of you were very close. After all, your entire existence has changed. My husband and I were together over 40 years and although our marriage was far from perfect, we were more or less "attached at the hip". It takes a long time to adapt to a different lifestyle where there is no "we", only " I". I say "adapt" instead of "accept" as losing half of my family will never be acceptable.

Grieve at your own pace and in your own way. Don't listen to those who think you should "get over it". They are not living it or feeling it, YOU are. Time is a great healer.

[jathas]

3 hours ago, Sad_Widower said:

Do you mind if I ask…do you feel like part of you died with your husband? I explain it to people that I concretely feel like 90% of me died with my wife.  By that my desire for “life” instantly went away.  

This is exactly how I feel, especially since I was with my husband since I was just 18 years old.  I had been with him my entire adult life up until this point.  I feel like he had a huge role in the adult that I turned out to be.  I really do feel like a large part of me died with him.  We were so connected and so bonded for over two decades.  I think it's totally normal to feel like part of you died with them!  When you have a deep soul connection with someone, I feel like your energy is their energy and theirs is yours.  It's exhausting!  

I had a rough day today with a lot of crying.  Thankfully, my best friend was here for me to blurt everything I was feeling out to.  She's been our best friend for 21 years and she is also having a very difficult time with my husband's passing as well.  I am so grateful that she has been coming over every single night for the past month since the day he passed.  Then, my one or both of my parents (who live across the street) come over.  I just keep wishing I could wake up from this nightmare. 

[kayc]

21 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

One should feel complete and whole as a single person before pursuing a relationship.

This is what I tried to say, thank you for putting it into words!

12 hours ago, Sad_Widower said:

Additionally, while I was never someone that doubted “depression” existed,  I never was able to understand it…and certainly never imagined myself falling this far in to it. 

Depression vs symptomatic depression in grief

Depression vs symptomatic depression in grief

 

 

[kayc]

13 hours ago, jathas said:

I know that tomorrow will be VERY difficult for me.  It's the one-month anniversary

You are in my thoughts today, for sure!

[kayc]

10 hours ago, KarenK said:

Don't listen to those who think you should "get over it".

Yes, honor yourself and your grief.

 

[jathas]

15 hours ago, KarenK said:

Nothing abnormal at all about feeling that part of you has died, especially if the two of you were very close. After all, your entire existence has changed. My husband and I were together over 40 years and although our marriage was far from perfect, we were more or less "attached at the hip". It takes a long time to adapt to a different lifestyle where there is no "we", only " I". I say "adapt" instead of "accept" as losing half of my family will never be acceptable.

Grieve at your own pace and in your own way. Don't listen to those who think you should "get over it". They are not living it or feeling it, YOU are. Time is a great healer.

Thank you so much for this.   Yes, my husband and I were EXTREMELY close; however, just like you said, our marriage was FAR from perfect.  We had our fair share of ups and downs and hills and valleys.  We didn't always see eye to eye on things and we would argue, fight, and say mean things to each other that we didn't really mean, simply out of pure frustration with  our situation.  I said so many horrible things to him that I now so deeply regret.  He said horrible things to me as well.  We were both guilty of it.  I would regret every horrible thing that I said as soon as I had a chance to step away and cool off, but I was at my breaking point.  We no longer had a life because he NEVER felt well and had so little energy.  His many years of chronic health issues created a lot of friction in our marriage, which I hate.  They also caused significant financial issues as a result of him missing so  much work whenever he was in the hospital, sick, recovering from something, etc.  As a result, I would be pulling 70-80-hour work weeks to try and compensate.  I work from home and would be working well into the wee hours of the morning after having worked all day.  I was beyond the point of exhaustion.  I would just get so frustrated that he was dealing with one ailment after another after another and we rarely ever got a break from it.   That is what our life has been like these past several years as his health spiraled out of control and he just seemed to lose all motivation to even try to improve his health.  It was like he surrendered to the illnesses and he just wasn't the same person anymore.  Still, I NEVER stopped loving him with all my heart and I never once even THOUGHT of giving up on him or leaving him.   I couldn't imagine my life without him.  He was my best friend and the love of my life and all that I wanted was for him to feel better and for us to have a life again that wasn't so limited and restricted by his health issues and chronic pain.   I LOVED spending time with him and I always thoroughly enjoyed his company and companionship, but he has just been too sick these last few years to be there for me in the way that he always used to be.  😥

[nashreed]

I'm so sorry that this is your dreaded "anniversary" (a word that is associated with happiness and life). I still count mine (it has been 26 months on the 16th). 

I relate and know of your struggles through the last years of your marriage. I went through them too. We would have a calendar that we would write on with her doctors appointments, and some months it seemed that every weekday was filled in with at least one appointment- sometimes there was a twofer! She must have had a dozen doctors or specialists. Annette never "gave up" per se, but she definitely was tired of fighting. It was just so frustrating for her. She did her best- she really made an effort to eat well, and she would cook raw chicken and make things like healthy burritos and recipes from the Diabetic cookbooks- even with her low vision and arthritis. She always wanted to work, and hated that I had to take a job (with all my mental garbage), when she wanted to be the provider. She was so sweet and kind. I just don't understand how unfair life can be. 

I just never want to blame her for not being able to be there in the way we both wanted her to be. I'm human- I resented her sometimes, but I didn't really.... It's hard to express. I just know that she did her best. There was no malicious intent. She was just in so much pain some days, and still she had a smile for me. She was more concerned about how I was doing mentally. She was always that way. She never wanted a fuss made over her. 

I wanted our life to be like when we were young and strong, but I just never want to have any regrets about our relationship, because our love  transcended all that pain and suffering. 

[jathas]

Having a very hard time today.  I've been flooded with memories of our life together and I've been looking through many years worth of old photos going all the way back to the very early 2000s, and even some photos of my husband from before I had met him.  I just don't know how I can go on.  He was my BEST FRIEND and my rock for 22 years.  I never wanted to share my life with anyone but him.  I miss our little "bubble" that we had together so much.  It didn't matter where we were or what we were doing.  As long as we were together, we knew all was fine.  I feel like the days are getting worse instead of better.  Aside from our best friend who comes over every single night and my parents, for the most part, everybody has stopped checking in on me and gone on with their lives and I'm here trying to pick up the pieces and figure out this new and scary life.  Sure, I get the little heart reactions and the "thinking of you" and "hugs" type comments whenever I post something on Facebook, but that's it.  I am terrified of living without my husband and I am SO lonely.  😥

[nashreed]

1 hour ago, jathas said:

Having a very hard time today.  I've been flooded with memories of our life together and I've been looking through many years worth of old photos going all the way back to the very early 2000s, and even some photos of my husband from before I had met him.  I just don't know how I can go on.  He was my BEST FRIEND and my rock for 22 years.  I never wanted to share my life with anyone but him.  I miss our little "bubble" that we had together so much.  It didn't matter where we were or what we were doing.  As long as we were together, we knew all was fine.  I feel like the days are getting worse instead of better.  Aside from our best friend who comes over every single night and my parents, for the most part, everybody has stopped checking in on me and gone on with their lives and I'm here trying to pick up the pieces and figure out this new and scary life.  Sure, I get the little heart reactions and the "thinking of you" and "hugs" type comments whenever I post something on Facebook, but that's it.  I am terrified of living without my husband and I am SO lonely.  😥

I know what it's like to be that lonely. I'm that lonely every day. I just got back from my afternoon aimless drive, where I drive around remembering the town that I wooed and won Annette in, what it was like before all the businesses closed and they let all the homeless in. I can't even remember who I was in our "bubble" sometimes. It's like it happened to someone else. No one checks in on me. You are SO lucky to at least have a friend. 

Remember that you are so lucky to have had the time you had with Matt. So many people never find their soulmate. It's better than winning the lotto. And you will be with him again, it just takes a while. I know its hard to "start over", but when you're ready, you have so many opportunities and blessings in your life. I have every confidence that you'll be ok. It hurts, it's hard- but there is a future for you, and it's all up to you. 

[Sad_Widower]

Hello Jathas 

My thoughts were actually with you today (the most I guess I can offer). 
i cannot sit here and tell you “stay strong”  or “it will get better” because in my experience it has not. 
i guess I just want you to know that you are not alone in your grief. It’s an unfortunate experience we share on here, and at a minimum we are here to listen to each other, not judge, and hope to provide some level of comfort for one another. 

[Sad_Widower]

On 7/27/2022 at 7:20 PM, KarenK said:

Nothing abnormal at all about feeling that part of you has died, especially if the two of you were very close. After all, your entire existence has changed. My husband and I were together over 40 years and although our marriage was far from perfect, we were more or less "attached at the hip". It takes a long time to adapt to a different lifestyle where there is no "we", only " I". I say "adapt" instead of "accept" as losing half of my family will never be acceptable.

Grieve at your own pace and in your own way. Don't listen to those who think you should "get over it". They are not living it or feeling it, YOU are. Time is a great healer.

Karen, thank you for this. You are among the first and only people who seem to understand the concept of “most of me died with her”. More importantly I find it eye opening (and comforting) you don’t find it abnormal.  
i was with my wife for nearly 30 years and yes we were close, and absolutely had our ups and downs (but as in your case I’m sure) we both knew we could work through anything as we were both committed fo each other.  
I am sorry for your loss. 40 years is a long time (and imagine part of you feel blessed to have someone for that length of time).  I truly believe if you two desire and have faith toward, you will be reunited so I hope that gives you comfort.  
yes, as you said when the center of your universe is suddenly gone, it’s beyond life-changing.  Thank you again, your response has helped me.