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How Have You Handled the Emptiness You Feel in Your Home Since Your Loved One Passed?


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One of the things I noticed immediately was how the house echoed with emptiness.  After the funeral home took him away, and no one was here, it felt hollow, empty, forsaken.  I'm afraid I didn't do a good job of figuring out how to handle it. There were so many things that had to be done.  I made a list and started doing the tasks one by one, while my spirit was on empty or better yet in a deficit.  Nearly eight months later it's still empty.  Can you tell me what helps you?

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Not sure I'm handling the loneliness well. Last winter I did puzzles, colored adult coloring books and watched way to much Netflix. That got boring and I haven't done that in months though. It didn't fill the loneliness and want of an emotional connection with someone. I can occupy myself with activities, hang out with friends, sleep - none of those things fill the emptiness due to the lack of deep emotional connection. So basically I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

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4 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Not sure I'm handling the loneliness well. Last winter I did puzzles, colored adult coloring books and watched way to much Netflix. That got boring and I haven't done that in months though. It didn't fill the loneliness and want of an emotional connection with someone. I can occupy myself with activities, hang out with friends, sleep - none of those things fill the emptiness due to the lack of deep emotional connection. So basically I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

Yours is the kind of response I thought I'd get to the post.  At least you can sleep.  I have a heck of a time sleeping.  It's been a problem since menopause began 30 years ago.  It's just the the house is so empty without him.  He filled up all the nooks and crannies in ways I didn't realize he was filling it.  I even got myself a 5 foot teddy bear and put it in his easy chair, so I could watch the television and not see an empty chair.  It's now on the loveseat along with another couple of smaller bears. 

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Ya, I don't have a problem sleeping, especially in the last 20 some months. Sometimes I sleep too much, I just have an energy crash and have to nap. Think my body still needs extra sleep to heal. I also do guided meditations before bed to help sooth my nervous system. There's so many on YouTube. I also listen to neural retraining visualizations that are great too. They're sensory rich, it's like a 10 minute vacation. Oh, and I sometimes listen to yoga nidra body scan videos, they're really great for drifting off to sleep.

I wish I could sprinkle magic fairy dust on all that need a good night sleep  

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20 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Ya, I don't have a problem sleeping, especially in the last 20 some months. Sometimes I sleep too much, I just have an energy crash and have to nap. Think my body still needs extra sleep to heal. I also do guided meditations before bed to help sooth my nervous system. There's so many on YouTube. I also listen to neural retraining visualizations that are great too. They're sensory rich, it's like a 10 minute vacation. Oh, and I sometimes listen to yoga nidra body scan videos, they're really great for drifting off to sleep.

I wish I could sprinkle magic fairy dust on all that need a good night sleep  

The more I do before I go to sleep, the less I sleep, even if that stuff is meditation, visualization and yoga. I've tried it all for years.  Yes, the body needs rest to heal, but with mine it's strictly physical.  I have a number of physical issues that work together to keep me from sleeping. 

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8 minutes ago, Chocolate said:

The more I do before I go to sleep, the less I sleep, even if that stuff is meditation, visualization and yoga. I've tried it all for years.  Yes, the body needs rest to heal, but with mine it's strictly physical.  I have a number of physical issues that work together to keep me from sleeping.

Ooh, I can see how that would make sleeping harder if pain is keeping you up. Seriously, if I had magic fairy dust for sleep I’d send it to you. By the way, I’ve been meaning to tell you that I like your username 😊 

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1 minute ago, Boho-Soul said:

Ooh, I can see how that would make sleeping harder if pain is keeping you up. Seriously, if I had magic fairy dust for sleep I’d send it to you. By the way, I’ve been meaning to tell you that I like your username 😊 

It's not pain.  It's chronic hypoglycemia, mixed with fluctuating hormones, what I eat, when I eat it, high blood pressure medication, etc.  All of these things work together to hype me up. Even talking to people earlier in the day can set off the hypoglycemia and keep me from sleeping that night.  Thanks about the user name.  It has significance.  Years ago when I was with my second husband and he emotionally abandoned me after what my brother did, I would eat 3/4ths of a pound of M&Ms in 15 minutes to reward myself for not having an affair with an emotionally supportive man.  I love chocolate.  I had to break myself of the chocolate fix like an alcoholic breaks themselves of drinking booze.

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Oops, I shouldn’t have assumed it was pain. It must be so hard, I wish you didn’t have to deal with that. I had fluctuations with my hormones when I was peri-menopausal, my Dr prescribed progesterone cream, calmed me right down and helped me with my sleep. I’m still on it, maybe it’s why I sleep ok now.

That’s quite the story about chocolate. Glad you triumphed over the addiction fix. I’m a bit of a chocolate snob, I only like dark chocolate. Milk chocolate is like candy to me and I don’t like candy. And white chocolate isn’t chocolate to me, lol

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6 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Oops, I shouldn’t have assumed it was pain. It must be so hard, I wish you didn’t have to deal with that. I had fluctuations with my hormones when I was peri-menopausal, my Dr prescribed progesterone cream, calmed me right down and helped me with my sleep. I’m still on it, maybe it’s why I sleep ok now.

That’s quite the story about chocolate. Glad you triumphed over the addiction fix. I’m a bit of a chocolate snob, I only like dark chocolate. Milk chocolate is like candy to me and I don’t like candy. And white chocolate isn’t chocolate to me, lol

I took hormone replacement until it gave my sister breast cancer and killed her, literally.  I stopped taking it when she got the cancer.  My peri-menopause started 30 years ago.  My hormones still fluctuate.  It's just how it is.  Candy spikes the sugar levels and then drops them suddenly.  Many alcoholics have the same issues, only they do alcohol...the sugar in the alcohol.  For me the candy is a bodily craving to fix the fluctuating sugar levels, except it makes it worse.  White chocolate really isn't chocolate.

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9 hours ago, Chocolate said:

I have a heck of a time sleeping. 

After years of going without sleep, I finally got help from the doctor, am so glad I did! Trazodone 50 mg 1/2 hour before bedtime.  I still wake up to pee but most of the time get back to sleep afterwards.  Also a Benedryl helps.  (I have allergies)

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I understand about carb addiction (sugar), carbs feed the cravings, only way to break the cycle is cut the carbs.

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8 hours ago, Chocolate said:

I took hormone replacement until it gave my sister breast cancer and killed her, literally.  I stopped taking it when she got the cancer.  My peri-menopause started 30 years ago.  My hormones still fluctuate.  It's just how it is. 

I don’t take the typical HRT which is both estrogen and progesterone. I was told it’s just estrogen that can cause breast cancer. I only  use progesterone cream which has stabilized my levels and got right of my estrogen dominance symptoms I was experiencing.

Glad your doctor was able to proscribe something that helps you with sleep Kayc.

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4 hours ago, kayc said:

After years of going without sleep, I finally got help from the doctor, am so glad I did! Trazodone 50 mg 1/2 hour before bedtime.  I still wake up to pee but most of the time get back to sleep afterwards.  Also a Benedryl helps.  (I have allergies)

Thanks for the suggestion.  The chemical balance in the brain is critical.  I studied all this stuff in college and the imbalance created by too many conflicting prescription drugs.  I looked up the side effects for Trazodone according to the Mayo Clinic.  Not good.   I tried Benedryl.  It has bad side effects for me.  My brother committed his crimes because he was taking too many drugs prescribed by doctors.  I'd rather deal with the lack of sleep. As for the issues with carbs, I dealt with that years ago as mentioned in the post.  I took allergy tests with revealed I'm actually allergic to vegetables with too many carbs.  One has to find balance in all things.

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4 hours ago, kayc said:

I understand about carb addiction (sugar), carbs feed the cravings, only way to break the cycle is cut the carbs.

Oops, I answered this on your other post.

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2 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

I don’t take the typical HRT which is both estrogen and progesterone. I was told it’s just estrogen that can cause breast cancer. I only  use progesterone cream which has stabilized my levels and got right of my estrogen dominance symptoms I was experiencing.

Glad your doctor was able to proscribe something that helps you with sleep Kayc.

Progesterone can cause uterine cancer.  The risk is not worth it to me.

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18 hours ago, Chocolate said:

I looked up the side effects for Trazodone

This mostly in levels far higher than mine.  Side effects of not enough sleep:  shortened life.
lower dosages of trazodone are effective and may cause less daytime sleepiness and fewer side effects because the drug is short acting.

  • Effective treatment for insomnia. A 2017 review of studiesTrusted Source of trazodone use for insomnia found the medication was effective for primary and secondary insomnia in low doses.
  • Reduced cost. Trazodone is less expensive than some newer insomnia medicines because it is available generically.
  • Not addictive. Compared to other medications, such as the benzodiazepine class of medications like Valium and Xanax, trazodone is not addictive.
  • May help prevent age-related mental decline. Trazodone might help improve slow wave sleep. This may slow certain types of age-related mental decline like memory in older adults.
  • May be a better choice if you have sleep apnea. Some sleep medications may negatively affect obstructive sleep apnea and sleep arousal. 

I've never had any side effects of Trazodone. 

I never took Estrogen or Progesterone.

 

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6 hours ago, kayc said:

This mostly in levels far higher than mine.  Side effects of not enough sleep:  shortened life.
lower dosages of trazodone are effective and may cause less daytime sleepiness and fewer side effects because the drug is short acting.

  • Effective treatment for insomnia. A 2017 review of studiesTrusted Source of trazodone use for insomnia found the medication was effective for primary and secondary insomnia in low doses.
  • Reduced cost. Trazodone is less expensive than some newer insomnia medicines because it is available generically.
  • Not addictive. Compared to other medications, such as the benzodiazepine class of medications like Valium and Xanax, trazodone is not addictive.
  • May help prevent age-related mental decline. Trazodone might help improve slow wave sleep. This may slow certain types of age-related mental decline like memory in older adults.
  • May be a better choice if you have sleep apnea. Some sleep medications may negatively affect obstructive sleep apnea and sleep arousal. 

I've never had any side effects of Trazodone. 

I never took Estrogen or Progesterone.

 

I don't do drugs.  When the doctor prescribed Lipitor for me, I asked if there were side effects.  He said no. Well, it gave me psoriasis.  I read that the chances of that were rare, but it affect me. To get rid of  that he had to give me something else.  That something else made some of my hair fall out.  Like I've said, I studied this stuff in college.  A drug can interact with other drugs one is taking.  There's a place that lists some of those interactions.  We each have to decide what is right for us, individually, that goes for everything.

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My experience bears this out.  I am off statins and my cholesterol improved with change of diet...not statins.  My triglycerides and HDL, the two important factors, are in exceptional range now, and my IR is better than ever..

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5 hours ago, kayc said:

My experience bears this out.  I am off statins and my cholesterol improved with change of diet...not statins.  My triglycerides and HDL, the two important factors, are in exceptional range now, and my IR is better than ever..

It sure is a matter of trial and error.  I'm so glad that worked for you.

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On 9/18/2022 at 9:52 PM, Chocolate said:

Yours is the kind of response I thought I'd get to the post.  At least you can sleep.  I have a heck of a time sleeping.  It's been a problem since menopause began 30 years ago.  It's just the the house is so empty without him.  He filled up all the nooks and crannies in ways I didn't realize he was filling it.  I even got myself a 5 foot teddy bear and put it in his easy chair

I just lost him four days ago and I am having to avoid certain areas of the house where he spent most of his time, like the living room and even the kitchen. He should be there, and he's not, and I dread being there without him. We shared two dogs and two cats and they have become my reason for getting up in the morning. 

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I am so, so sorry for your loss, Minerva. Nobody wants to have to become a member of this Forum, but there are sweet people here who have all felt the horrible pain of losing their soulmate. It helps to write out your thoughts and feelings. I wish I had found this forum sooner into my grief, but four days into losing my dear wife, I was already knee deep in having to move from our home and back to my mother's. 

I hope that you can feel a sense of community here, even though we're not "real" people. It's easier to be honest and yourself when you're not being judged by anything but your loss of your husband and the love you shared. We are all the same here- all one family in loss. 

James

 

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1 hour ago, Minerva said:

I just lost him four days ago and I am having to avoid certain areas of the house where he spent most of his time, like the living room and even the kitchen. He should be there, and he's not, and I dread being there without him. We shared two dogs and two cats and they have become my reason for getting up in the morning. 

Things are still very raw for you.  I'm so sorry for your horrendous loss.  When you are ready to share, know that you can tell us how it happened and why.  Do you have any family who is helping you?  I had to do it all alone.  There are parts of my house I still want to avoid too.  I got myself a huge teddy bear to sit in my husband's easy chair in front of the tv so I didn't have to see his empty chair. 

Dear heart, know that we care and understand the emptiness you are feeling.  Also know he is still with you.  Yes, he is.  It's just his physical presence that is gone.

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