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When do the uncontrollable tears stop?


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My fiancé died last Thursday from plasma cell leukemia he contracted from 9/11. He fought for 4 years. I woke up and found him in a pool of blood. He had fallen just minutes before I woke up and developed a hemorrhage in his brain and never woke up again. I haven’t been able to stop screaming and crying since it happened. Does it ever get better?

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I'm so very sorry for your loss Didelfi. I'm glad you found your way to our group, although I'm sure it's the last place you want to be.

It does get better with time, but there's really no specific timeline because we are all different. Grief is a journey you walk at your own pace, but you are not alone. We here will walk beside you.

I guess I did most of my crying in the first couple of years. My daughter died a year after my husband so it took a while for the fog to lift from around me. Even 10 years later, certain things bring tears without warning. I don't suppose I will ever accept the losses, but have learned to adapt.

Feel free to post whenever you want. There is usually someone here to offer comfort or just to listen if that is what you need.

Please remember to take care of yourself. Hydrate and eat and rest when you can.

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I am so sorry, @Didelfi.  That is very recent!  I am so sorry for your loss, I don't remember when the tears stopped for me but I think I've cried mine out because I seldom cry anymore, they're more on the inside.  I bawled a lot in the earlier time.  There is no one answer to your question as some people have anticipatory grief and do a lot of their grieving ahead of death, although the finality hits and they still grieve, and there are so many extenuating circumstances as well as our own coping abilities.  Bless you!  Prepare to cry a good long while, I did on my commute to/fro work, sometimes having to pull over, I did in the grocery store (a huge trigger, we always got them together 50 miles away).  Nights/weekends were really hard, but I even had to use the bathroom at work when I was freshly assailed with tears.  I'm lucky I had a boss that was understanding...but then I lost my job as it was the recession and the place closed down...before I had to go to commuting 100 miles/day.

Let the tears come. 

Crying, cannot stop 

We welcome you here and hope you'll continue to come here to read/post, it helps to be around others that get it and understand and helps us process our grief.  We are listening, whenever you post, we will be back to read it.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

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My dear, I am so sorry to learn of the sudden loss of your fiance, especially given the manner in which he died. It's good to know that you've found your way to this warm and caring place, and we welcome you with open arms and caring hearts ~ but in addition to the comfort and support you will find here, you need and deserve more.

It's important to know that the circumstances surrounding the death of your beloved and the horrific images involved can have significant after-effects (nightmares, intrusive thoughts, haunting visual memories) ~ all of which can complicate your grief. Your experience calls for professional intervention with a therapist whose practice focuses on traumatic loss ~ and I hope for your sake you will seek such support. This is far too much for you to tackle all by yourself.

I invite you to read this piece by Dr. Robert Neimeyer, describing the specialized procedures involved in trauma-focused grief therapy: Traumatic Images of Their Loved One's Dying

See also:

Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You 

Coping with Traumatic Loss: Suggested Resources

What Is Complicated Grief?

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This place has become my 'family'.  I don’t have one of my own.  Losing my husband took so much of me with him.  It hasn’t been a week yet an the pain and shock are very raw.  Time helps, but will never erase him.  Everyone is different on their journey.  Here you will find the comparison only someone else that knows death so intimately.  Outsiders say they do, but 5hey don’t.  They can’t.   I wish you didn’t have to be here.  You can say anything.  We got it.  I’m so sorry for your llss.  💕

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I tried screaming into pillows.  The force of the scream just hurt my head.  I watched a movie the other night that was "sweet" all the way through.  Took a bath towel to soak all the tears.  I cried from the first of the movie until the last..  I was by myself so I could sob when I felt like it.  Gwen's saying at the end of each of her posts finally soaked through this stupid brain of mine.  "We grieve in direct proportion to how much we love."  That really says it all, and you will see that.  Took me seven years to see it, but I'm still grieving.  Sometimes being old has its advantages.  If your young, you have time to possibly make a new life.  You will just have to find a part of your heart and mind to make room for whatever possibilities happen.  I won't repeat my guilt for how I treated him when he reached for me when he was leaving.  Somewhere, I think he knows I was not going to let him go.  God took my "God badge" away that day.  Cry whenever or wherever you feel like it.  No shame.  

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