Wander

[Sheemie]

When my spouse passed from covid it was the most horror of my life. I could not have imagined it in my worst nightmare ever. The government gave hospital full control. I could not be there to hold his hand nothing. I paced back and forth day and night praying for a miracle. I had to watch him die through a glass and afterwards all I felt was a fog of fire and I just wanted to die too. My life was that man and I don't want anything else and it was stolen from me. Since his death I have learned that all anyone cares about as far as I am concerned is stuff and money. I don't even say I'm a widow because then they look at me like a piggy bank. At first I was pushed out of our home, then into an income based apartments which was like a jail, half way house. Now I'm living in the south by myself in a trailer wondering if my life will ever be normal again. I have been trying to go back to working and these jobs are just 100 percent using me for pay that makes me wonder if I have stepped back in time to the year 1999, complete slave labor. How much longer do I have to wander? How much longer am I going to punish myself? Will I ever feel normal again?

[nashreed]

I imagine that us widowed people are like David Banner at the end of "The Incredible Hulk" every week- walking down the road, hitchhiking, no destination- just surviving. No love, no roots, wandering....

I understand exactly what you mean. Annette was my soulmate. There is nothing more lonely than the realization that your soulmate is not on this earth anymore, and they never will be. You will only see them again when you die. I have no fear of death now. Bring it on. I can't wait. Meanwhile, I have to live with what I have. I would love to have a relationship, someone to hug, someone to live for. I know it wouldn't be Annette, but I can't be with her here, and I am stuck with I don't know how many years left. Having a relationship with another woman would make me feel more normal- maybe not normal, just human. After being in a relationship for 30 years, I feel like an alien- a stranger in a land that is unwelcoming and cold. She was my life, she was me. I don't see how any woman my age would find me attractive or a catch. I'm fat, I have nothing to show for my life with Annette, no means- no savings. I know that I'm just existing. I wish for a better life. 

You shouldn't feel that you're punishing yourself. It's just the circumstances that happened. It's heartbreaking, but it's not your fault and it's not his fault. It just is. I know you just want to be heard- a cry in the wilderness. I just want to let you know I understand. All we can hope for here is to be understood. 

[Gwenivere]

Your words are so very true, James.  For me tho, another person I don’t want.  I don’t want the touch of another.  But, yes, nothing will ever feel right again without Steve.  He’s been gone so long now I don’t even know if I could to be touched by him.  Ive been so changed by this experience. The only time I don’t feel inner torment is in sleep.  I get physical pain instead.  Slightest wakefulness brings the mental tho.  So there is no escape, ever.  Sheemie, you’ll never feel normal again.  Some adapt easier, some don’t.  You haven’t reached 2 years yet.  This is still fresh grief.  I’m going on 8 and I can easily be swept up like it was yesterday.  Sadly, all you are facing is normal and you will get to hate that word more and more.  Many hugs.

[kayc]

@Sheemie You bravely made the moves, more than I've done, now I'm too disabled (without the title).  I am sorry for all you have been through.  A good friend passed away Saturday from Covid related damage to his heart, he had long haulers.  I'm really missing him, can only imagine how his wife is feeling...their dog is depressed and doesn't want to play.  No idea how to go on from the emptiness it leaves from him suddenly being gone...

[scba]

Dear Sheemie

I am very sorry for your loss and I understand you although it's been 8 years for me.

Fog of fire, it is an interesting wording. I like it. I still feel the fire of rage and pain deep inside l, sometimes. 

Nobody knows I am a widow here where I live and I wasn't his wife but I feel I am a widow regardless. It is the only label I own by myself. My nieces live abroad and I don't feel I am an auntie at all. I am not an auntie I am not a wife I am not a widow and I am not a mother. I feel I am nobody but a lonely woman. 

Today is one of those days. I miss to be hugged so much by him and to hear that all is going to be fine because he is with me. I can close my eyes and invent a scene but it is not real not him not his hug. If he is seeing me I told him this morning: you will now see me crying and I don't care if it was not your fault. But you left me here alone in a soulless world and I wouldn't have been hurt by these people if you were alive because none of this would have happen in the first place I would not be living here having this evil boss and being ghosted and hurt by people I used to care I would not feel betrayed. 

All this babbling happened this morning after showet and I feel sick and tired right now. Nauseating in a soulless world. I didn't die but I lost my soul. 

Peace

Ana

[nashreed]

I'm so sorry, Ana. I know what you mean. 

It really just seems like a pointless existence now. I don't have ambitions or dreams in this life anymore. Some people have "bucket list"'s, things they want to do before they die, like jump from a plane, or visit all 50 states. I guess there are things I would want to do for myself, but I don't have the financial means, and no motivation to improve my situation. I accept that my life is over and I am so ready for it to be over with. I'm tired of missing Annette. So sick of waking up and realizing she's not on this earth. A lot of people would think it's sad that I can't do things without her, that I can't "love" myself- but she was part of me, my heart and soul. Without her I am all the bad parts of a person. I accept who I am. I guess that's why I have no friends, along with being completely socially inept. 

It's amazing how much I love being a husband, how proud I was of the title. I was also honored to be Annette's caregiver, even though it was sad how many doctors she had, how many ailments... My purpose every day was being a good husband. I had no other ambition than to make her laugh every day. Now I know I won't ever be in a relationship again, and that just makes life stink. I'm sorry- we're all desperately lonely for the person we lost. I'm desperately lonely for connection. Checking this site multiple times a day like a doofus thinking maybe someone will write and say "Hello in there". Ultimately, no one cares. Everyone has their person, their family, their clique- no time for outsiders. I couldn't care less about the Super Bowl, but some stupid part of me wishes I would have had some friend to invite me to a party. How ridiculous. 

Days go by with no purpose. Waiting to die. 

[scba]

Dear James

I miss being his girlfriend so so so much. I would do ANYTHING to be his champion again. I have had many dreams about it in which I told him: Tell me what I can do I will do it.

It was the thing I was proudest of. I felt BLESSED AND LUCKY and I have never experienced that state of self being and self awareness again. All I can wish for is that he is going to protect me all times. 

I was his ultimate love and I don't know what to do with all of it. I got used to this new life if not for survival purposes only. I know I have a lot of existence in front of me. 

[nashreed]

Ana,

I truly believe that he is watching over you and protecting you. I know that Annette looks after me and I know I have to be thankful and humble and I realize (living in an area with so many homeless) that I have it pretty good, in spite of how lonely and hollow I feel. God blessed me with allowing Annette into my life and I miss her now so much, but I have to know that she is happy and pain free and that gets me through. 

The sad thing is that I barely dream of Annette now. She might be around in the background of a dream or sometimes I'm aware I'm looking for her, but also in my dreams I'm always aware that she's gone. I don't know why I couldn't have had some dreams of our life when we were young and happy. Mostly they're stupid dreams about working in retail again or something. I have a mental block against dreams of her. I don't know why. 

I wish I could help with your feelings of loneliness and loss of purpose. I'm so lonely I pine for women on TV commercials. What a sad loser. That's my identity now. At least I was her champion once. 

[kayc]

4 hours ago, scba said:

Dear Sheemie

I am very sorry for your loss and I understand you although it's been 8 years for me.

Fog of fire, it is an interesting wording. I like it. I still feel the fire of rage and pain deep inside l, sometimes. 

Nobody knows I am a widow here where I live and I wasn't his wife but I feel I am a widow regardless. It is the only label I own by myself. My nieces live abroad and I don't feel I am an auntie at all. I am not an auntie I am not a wife I am not a widow and I am not a mother. I feel I am nobody but a lonely woman. 

Today is one of those days. I miss to be hugged so much by him and to hear that all is going to be fine because he is with me. I can close my eyes and invent a scene but it is not real not him not his hug. If he is seeing me I told him this morning: you will now see me crying and I don't care if it was not your fault. But you left me here alone in a soulless world and I wouldn't have been hurt by these people if you were alive because none of this would have happen in the first place I would not be living here having this evil boss and being ghosted and hurt by people I used to care I would not feel betrayed. 

All this babbling happened this morning after showet and I feel sick and tired right now. Nauseating in a soulless world. I didn't die but I lost my soul. 

Peace

Ana

OMG, Ana, you most certainly ARE a widow!  But for a piece of paper...I have friends who married in the eyes of the Lord but not the state because if they'd turned it in, they would have lost their retirements.  IMO, that should not come into play.  Sometimes what you feel is in your heart and the rest of the world should recognize that!  Would you ever unstate your love for him because you weren't married?  Of course not!  Neither should anyone else.  Wear the title if you will...do not worry about what anyone else thinks.  We here recognize your status.  (((hugs))) and lonely?  Aren't we all.

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, scba said:

I was his ultimate love and I don't know what to do with all of it. I got used to this new life if not for survival purposes only. I know I have a lot of existence in front of me. 

That is exactly how I fee Ana.  I wake everyday wondering how l'll survive another one.  I know that is my remaining future on this plane.

[V. R.]

12 hours ago, scba said:

didn't die but I lost my soul

 

[V. R.]

Ana, your words moved me to tears. I wish I could give you a hug, I understand how it feels being treated by others so  insensitively and with no empathy at all. Married or not, you lost your soulmate, a part of you, the most important thing that's ever happened to you in your life. We are what we are because of the life and love we shared with our beloveds, we were 'fused' together, so when half of that is torn away from us, we feel just like you stated: with no soul. You deserve to be treated with more respect, I'm sorry you are experiencing so much  hurtfulness  from people you cared for, it's the same old story for all of us unfortunately. If they haven't been through it, they just don't get it!  

On 2/8/2023 at 8:32 PM, nashreed said:

After being in a relationship for 30 years, I feel like an alien- a

Yes, that's just it James. I feel like I'm on another planet,  in a different dimension to everyone else. Even when I talk to my own children and my parents, I'm always "not really with it", my thoughts are  in a world of their own.  I've lost that connection that human beings normally have with other people in their lives, even with my closest family members! I feel awkward having everyday conversations, and I don't want to either, as if I'm not part of normality anymore. I just want to talk about my husband but it seems nobody wants to, trying to avoid even mentioning his name. I've had enough of promises to  "keep in touch" and "if you need anything", blah, blah,... Perhaps, we can keep going by feeling that our soulmates are still with  us, even if not physically,  because they actually are, if we were "one" person with them, then we still have a part of that whole entity, and taking them with us will give us motivation and strength to go on. 

Hugs to everyone. 

Enza. 

 

[V. R.]

On 2/8/2023 at 3:46 PM, Sheemie said:

When my spouse passed from covid it was the most horror of my life. I could not have imagined it in my worst nightmare ever. The government gave hospital full control. I could not be there to hold his hand nothing. I paced back and forth day and night praying for a miracle. I had to watch him die through a glass and afterwards all I felt was a fog of fire and I just wanted to die too. My life was that man and I don't want anything else and it was stolen from me. Since his death I have learned that all anyone cares about as far as I am concerned is stuff and money. I don't even say I'm a widow because then they look at me like a piggy bank. At first I was pushed out of our home, then into an income based apartments which was like a jail, half way house. Now I'm living in the south by myself in a trailer wondering if my life will ever be normal again. I have been trying to go back to working and these jobs are just 100 percent using me for pay that makes me wonder if I have stepped back in time to the year 1999, complete slave labor. How much longer do I have to wander? How much longer am I going to punish myself? Will I ever feel normal again?

@Sheemie, I'm so sorry you're going through this. People can be so wretched and hurtful, like you say, thinking of you as a piggy bank. Ignore all that foolishness, you are superior to them, you deserve more, hold your head up high, you come first, like you did for your beloved. I hope you find a safe place to settle soon, there are much more empathic, friendlier people out there that I'm sure will be more willing to help, without judgement or selfishness. We are here too, to listen and share with you. 

Sending you a hug. 

[Roxi]

16 hours ago, scba said:

Nobody knows I am a widow here where I live and I wasn't his wife but I feel I am a widow regardless.

Sure! Are there people who really don't think so ? We weren't married too! No one think i'm not his loved one..even his daughter and son! Anyway what is important Ana is what you feel...you and him are tied forever, beyond all limits! 

I'm sorry you have to live so alone in this world, it's unfair...

Warm hugs

 

[scba]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

That is exactly how I fee Ana.  I wake everyday wondering how l'll survive another one.  I know that is my remaining future on this plane.

Hello Gwen. I know that feeling very well. The thing is different for me now and I don't know how to describe this "stage"..... I don't have that feeling of wondering how I will survive this day, the next one and so on. I know I have survived and I know this is it. I have a job, rent an apt, go to the gym, chat with people, defend values, stay healthy. I have made to have an ordinary life and I don't know what more I can do with it, with the past, with the future. I cannot congratulate myself, feel proud, this is not a degree.... I have made it to the beach and it means nothing. Of course it is better than feeling pain every single day. But I didn't expect this nothingness from the ordinary as as result. 

This is what having survived means to me and it is quite empty to be honest. I still cannot count my blessings and feel grateful. I keep that in rebellion. All that grieving for what? For being here and just by myself.

People outside have NO CLUE about what "healing" really is and how it really looks.

 

[nashreed]

That's very well written, Ana. The empty feeling of "this is what the rest of my life is going to be like"- alone. Maybe a transitory friend that will drift away sooner or later...My Mom will probably not be around in ten years, and she drives me nuts. She is such a selfish person- and relishes it. Not that it's the same kind of relationship at all, but it's not how Annette was in the slightest. Annette was the least selfish person on the planet. 

And this stupid "holiday" today too and I can't watch the news or anything without being reminded of my loss. I feel like shooting myself in the face. 

I care, Ana, but alas, it's just like an echo of your own grief bouncing off a mountainside. Only our loved one can console us, or another love relationship- but I have a better chance of being struck by lightning. 

Cheers to us lonely people. 

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, scba said:

This is what having survived means to me and it is quite empty to be honest. I still cannot count my blessings and feel grateful. I keep that in rebellion. All that grieving for what? For being here and just by myself.

People outside have NO CLUE about what "healing" really is and how it really looks.

 

There is no way they can until it happens, not imagining.  You and I are on the same timeline.  8 years.  Many have opinions that mean nothing.  I tried to imagine it when I saw it coming.  I was so wrong.  Blessings?  Nope.  The loneliness that it brings is too much.  And it repeats over and over again.  I'm so glad some have found something to escape a bill.  I used to have some, but lost them to my health and covid restrictions.  I would love to go back to it, but I’m really physically restricted.  Hugs to you, Ana.  💕

[kayc]

15 hours ago, scba said:

I know I have survived and I know this is it.

Yes, it almost feels like nothingness...I talk about the "little joys" I've looked for in my day since day 11, honestly, they get me through.  Counting my blessings.  Sometimes we have to stretch to find something, so I look for what others would consider most mundane (A stranger's wave), they help though, every little bit does.  I can't compare to my past with George because that obliterates whatever good there might be, negates it, devalues my life now.

It has changed me, helped me so much.

[Gwenivere]

 I understand your post.  What I can't do is find the smallest good thing.   When you are truly isolated, there isn’t even a stranger's wave or smile.  

[kayc]

IDK, maybe a night of peace with Dee, or something good to watch on t.v., of a meal brought in, maybe a good visit with your counselor, decent weather or getting a shower.

For me it was being done shoveling, but now more is coming next week (there goes my day trip with the ladies at church (I knew their scheduling it in Feb. would backfire for me!)....one day at a time.