Night Time

[dpodesta]

I hear all the time on here people talking about waking up in the morning being an emotional wreck. Whai I have found lately is about mid-afternoon I start feeling weird and by the time I leave work, I am completely depressed. I am tired of feeling this way. I am sure some of it has to do with the loneliness. I am on this computer everynight from the time I put Carson to bed until I get tired around midnight. I have some friends that I talk to through instand messagening, but that doesn't replace the face to face contact. I dread being home. I get irritable with the drop of a hat, and it isn't fair to Carson. I get sarcastic with him and I don't mean to but it just comes out and I don't know how to change it. I look forward to life during the day, but at night I just wish that God would come and take me home to be with Karen. I would give anything just to be with her again. Her birthday is coming up on the 28th of this month so I am sure that has a lot to do with it also. I just want this nightmare to end.

[STARKISS]

Hi Derek,

Well how did you know how I feel, I too want my nightmare to end but how do we do this... I am so frustrated and I do not know how to go out and meet people anymore and I get upset just sitting at home... Thank you for starting this post and I am sure there are others like us... Take care and email anytime.... Shelley

[gabrielle_land]

Derek, I'm sorry to see you have to deal too with all this suffering... it's so hard sometimes to even come out of bed in the morning and think life has to go on. I know what you're talking about when you say that depression comes at the end of the day and you wished you could be taken with her now.. I guess one pretends to be okay during the whole day, but at the end you can't lie to yourself... Derek, since the very moment you try to keep on going with your life, coming out of bed every morning, you are being strong, remember that. Keep on being strong, for you and your child. I pray God may give you teh strength you need, and remember that hopefully you will be with her again it its time. Take care and lots of blessings,

Gaby

[dpodesta]

Thank you Gaby, you see right through me. At work you have to work and not show what is really going on with you and it just wears you down. By the end of the day you are so exshated, that you can no longer put up that shield and the emotions hit you like a ton of bricks.

I have a question I have been meaning to ask, What is the saying on the bottom of your posts. I speak a little Spanish and recognize "In Jesus Name" But what is the first part?

[gabrielle_land]

Derek, one thing I've learned so far is how helpful it is to join this forum.. there's no way I can get any comfort than from those who know what I'm going through.. and by the way, there's nothing to thank for. Just posting here takes away some kind of weight inside of me..

What I have written as signature is "far away from my eyes but always inside my heart" and "I love you my Christophe", which was my sweetheart's name.

Blessings,

Gaby

Edited August 25, 2006 by gabrielle_land

[dpodesta]

Sorry, It has been a lone time since I have read Spanish. I like the signature, how true it is.

I have found also that posting here gets me out of myself, to hear of so many that are going through what I am going through is comforting. I am not as alone as I think I am sometimes. My heart goes out to every one on this site, none of us should have had this happen to us. I just hope that I am making a difference in someone's life, to help someone who is fresh in this process get through it and live a happy life. I know that one day I will be happy again. I know that God has a plan for me. I wish I knew what it was. There is just so much going on that somedays I don't know which way is up. Like you, when I reply to a post it lifts some of the weight off of my shoulders, even if it is just for a little while any relief is welcomed.

[Penny1]

This site is for sure a blessing. So many wonderful people to listen and reach out to each of us as we try to overcome these tragedies we have to live through.

Derek you said you hope that you have helped someone and I just want you to know that you have..... Me.

I haven't been posting for awhile as all of you that know me have figured out.

Just want to let you all know, that it does become easier, you will sleep again, for life does go on. I so dislike that saying.

The reality is that our lives do continue, I still have my moments where I feel as if I am emotionally being dragged into the depths of hell but they pass and for me they come fewer and farther between.

I have read so many books which have made a huge impact on my own grieving process. I do suggest for everyone to read as many books as possible it helps so much.

My most recent book I have read is called "Faith" a wonderful book written by the author A.C. Ping. He has written a series and I have orderd the other two called "Do" and "BE". These are not grief related, but an eye opener for sure which helped me realize how to gain a better perspective on how I chose to deal with this situation with my Mom.

Marty has suggested some books for me to read which have helped also. Thanks Marty. Her site is absolutely wonderful.

Gaby.. my heart goes out to you and you should be so proud of yourself and your courage... you are amazing.

Derek... I so wish I could make your life jump ahead a week just so you won't have to go through Karen's birthday. I know it will be one of the hardest days for you but try to keep positive.... you made it through your birthday and you will make it hers too. I wish I could take your pain away...

I know there are times for me when I just wish I could have my memories wiped out but then I would lose all of the treasured times I had too.

Keep the faith... it will get easier.

[JennO]

Derek....bear with my train of thought....this is what your post sparked for me...

I just finished a hard two weeks at work..long hours and very little time with my baby..just 11 mths old now! Today, he was so incredibly irritable at daycare because of his long hours away from me that it occurred to me in a way that was powerful that I am his only parent. The only one that carries that magic power to make everything all right. The only one that has the opportunity to raise him and care for him as nobody but a parent can. I have been so busy that my nights have been filled with running around and little sleep. But the sadness still creeps in-EVERY DAY. It occured to me right after that that was what Jeff was for me...my magic comfort, my home, my center, my life. I feel like I will never be able to recapture that feeling and breathe that sigh of relief,satisfaction, and happiness that I had when I thought that I already had all I ever needed with my husband and son. I try to come here, stay busy, watch TV, work hard, etc...but it is just so painful to contemplate what will never be. I am heading into a scary few months...both my son's first birthday and mine the day after, then three weeks later,the first anniversary of Jeff's death. I am scared I won't make it through. I am scared I won't survive emotionally and I am scared that I won't ever be ok. I think that these nights for you on the computer and my nights here and trying to run away from the thoughts of what will never be are a nightmare I can't wake up from and there is no right answer about what is the right thing to say to each other.

I do know that I now feel a kinship to all of us who share these losses and now know that there is comfort in numbers. I hope you continue to find and give comfort here..because I appreciate your honesty and compassionate writings.

This may have been a bit all over the place, but I am feeling a bit all over the place tonite...thanks for listening

[LarrysGirl]

I was reading here tonite and wanted to share that I, too am heading into a period of time that I am dreading. My birthday is next month, the first one without Larry. I really want time to stop right now. I haven't changed the one calender that he would write me messages on, its on Sept. where he left me a birthday note. The day after my birthday he went back into the hospital and things were beginning to spiral out of control. He died the day before his birthday Nov.17th. I know that I stumbled thru the holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines, etc. but this year I am all too aware of the reality and I believe I will have to ask to be left alone because I don't think I can bring myself to participate this time. I want him to come home. I don't want my birthday without him, the first time in fourteen years. I just can't do this. Deborah

[lorikelly]

I am sorry for all of us that we have to feel this way. i think the nights are really bad for me. i work in the evenigs and find myself crying on the way home. i am not sure when this will ever get better but i just try to do one day at a time. some days are better then others and some really stink. i wish we all could wake up from this horrible nightmare. i just read Embrace By The Light by Bettie Eadie. it is her account of a near death experience. it was very interesting. i find myself so preoccupied with what is after this. i believe in God and heaven and have never doubted Him. i just wish i really knew what goes on. i am reading as much as i can, i could never believe that death is the end or i would never survive. i try to also tell myself each day that my children and husband are here and are important to me. i also ask God to replace my heart with joy and remove the sorrow.

Tonight i will ask God to replace all of your hearts with joy and remove the sorrow. may God give us all the strength we need to get through this. Keep believing that we can!!

[Rayon]

Derek,

From your signature I can see that you believe in God. I too lost a special person (my father) 5 days ago, and I feel so empty, sad, lonely, guilty, angry all rolled into one. I know all these feelings are normal, as are perhaps yours. We all grieve differently. Just keep praying, and ask God for peace and comfort which I know will happen but will take time. May God be with you.

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I just wanted to post that I have an extremely tough time at night especially right before bed... I used to go and talk to mom and I would also give her a kiss good night... I really miss that part of the night.... I have a very hard time with the hug thing too. I love hugs so very much but without mom I do not get them anymore... Take care All and God Bless everyone... Shelley

[KarenH]

Derek,

Night is definately the worst time. It was always so important to me that the 3 of us sit down to dinner together and have real family time. I would be busy cooking and Paulwould be helping me somehow, chopping or grilling (how I miss his grilling). Nights were our time together and after dinner we would finish some wine and really talk...about everything. Now I can barely force myself to order carryout some nights and it is so empty at the table without him, not to mention bedtime. Like you, I have to stay strong for our son, but he's a freshman now with a busy schedule and life is just so incredibly different. And I gues, unfortunately that's what we all have to somehow try to accept, that life is going to be very different now. I'm not sure how to do it yet, but I keep telling myself that's how it is. I've been through both our birthdays now...it sucks, but a new day dawns and that beautiful boy will look you in the face and you will see Karen in him and know she is in your heart.

Deborah...I know what you mean about the holidays. Paul died Dec. 10 and I got the tree and tried to be reasonably festive for Riley, but this year the shock value has worn off and the reality of no more holidays with Paulhas begun to haunt me already. Our anniversary is coming up in October, it was 5 days after that we got the terminal news. It will be tough, I know, coming here helps me too, usually. Sometimes it makes me even sadder that there are so many of us. The hospice book I read sums it up pretty nicely...gone from my sight, but not from my heart.

KarenH

[chrissy777]

Derek,

I just wanted to tell you I agree about the nightime being the hardest time. When its just you and your thoughts and memories. I cant wait until the day where the memories make me laugh instead of cry. I too think sometimes I want to be with my husband, but then I also think like you said God has a plan for me. I dont think I will ever understand why I was given such a beautiful gift in my life just to have it taken away(so young and so soon) But I guess I will find out someday. I hope things get better for you and I feel terrible for all who have to be here. I also just wanted to add that I have read alot of your posts Derek and I think you are a strong person you will get through this we all will. I read a book recently someone told me to read and it helped me alot because you read it and you can relate with her and all the emotions she felt everyday, but the part that really helps me is that twoards the end of the book she started to find hope and was a able to start her new life, which is what I beleive we have to learn to do because obviously our lives have been dramatically changed. The book ways called "companion through the darkness, inner dialouges on grief" by Stephanie Erickson. I dont know if it would help you but I know you have a child and she does touch on that a little. You are in my prayers Take care and God bless

Chrissy

[dpodesta]

Karen,

I know what you mean about dinner time. Most of the time it ends up being TV dinners for Carson as I rarely eat dinner anymore. I come home at night and am so exausted from work that I just don't like fixing anything. Nothing sounds good anymore, we have been out to eat so many times that just the thought of it makes me sick, so I just don't eat. I miss the home cooked meals Karen used to fix all the time. I think of some of the things she would make and I realize that I won't be able to have that dish anymore. There were so many things that she would fix and there aren't any recieps. I do have the recipe for her stuffing for thanksgiving and that was also her mothers. Now this year I will have to make it, only I know it won't be as good as hers was.

Karen's birthday would have been tomorrow, so I am not looking forward to it at all. I plan on putting some red carnitions (Her favorite) at her grave after work, but the anquish of not having her here for it tares me up inside. I know I have to be strong for Carson, but it is so hard to do and wears me out.

Chrissy

Thank you for the suggestion of the book, I will look into getting it. I am always looking for anything to read that will help ease the pain and make life a little more bearable.

Thanks to all of you

[KarenH]

Derek,

The day after tomorrow will not be Karen's birthday anymore and you will be able to say you made it. You will be that much stronger. In the book Tuesdays With Morrie, Morrie is dying and being interviewed by a former college student. He makes a statement that I am trying to hold on to that a body dies but a relationship never does. She'll love the carnations. I'll be thinking of you. When Thanksgiving comes, I'll need you to remind me I said that because that was the day Paul took a huge turn for the worse. I have always hosted it and dread it as much as you dread tomorrow.

Prayers for you...

KarenH

[lorikelly]

Derek

Just to let you know that i am thinking of you today. i know you said today would of been karens birthday. i hope you are doing ok and i am praying that God gives you comfort. i hope he replaces your sorrow with joy.

lori