My Story

[sararhiannon]

Hi everyone.

I am new here and feeling very awkward. I hope to find some help and hope and peace/healing and mabye someday return the favor but am somewhat of a mess right now. Maybe sharing here will help. I am not receiving any form of professional counseling right now for various reasons, mainly financial.

I am 32 yrs old. I have two children from my former childhoold sweetheart. We met when I was 14, him 16. My boys ages 3 and 11 are so amazing.

Last September I divorced their father. The main reason for my decision seemed simple at the time. I did not love him anymore...let me rephrase that. I loved him, and always will but was not IN love with im anymore. I can only stare at those words now as I type them. He fell hard and quickly into narcotic painkillers and within 8 months (the last of his life) he deteriorated into a monster. He didn't know the difference between his boys, he couldn't remember our anniversary or is ssn, he didn't know if it was day or night literally. Our divorce was final in September. I had him admitted to the ER for suicide watch the prior June. He threatened many many times before during and after the divorce that he was going to end it.

The weekend of January 21, 2006 was his turn to have the boys. They were at his house which was about 1 1/2 hr from mine. Early Saturday morning my phone rang. It was my oldest son. He just said, "Mom, I need you, please hurry..daddy wont wake up". It's all so fresh...I relive that day over and over everyday. He had been gone since 6am. My son called at 8:42a.m. The autopsy revealed a lethal dose of methadone and valium. His heart just stopped. My 3 yr old always talks about "putting water in his daddy's eye" but that he wouldn't wake up.

We left the state and have started over in a smaller town in the northwest. I have a loving wonderful man in my life who cherishes both me and my boys. But now that I am here and we are somewhat "settled" I am finding that my feelings are overwhelming me. I am returned to my antidepressant/antianxiety medication but I am well aware of the fact that I need to do some type of grief work and heal on the inside and then I have to try and help my boys. My oldest won't talk about it.

As much of a completely horrible person he was towards the end. We did have many many wonderful moments in time...a life time actually. And through my anger, guilt, and sadness...I find myself missing him so very much.

Thanks for listening to a newcomer and I am glad to be here.

[STOO]

{{{{Sararhiannon}}}}} I'm sorry for your loss. You have come to a good place -- we will always listen when you need to share. Grief does not follow a schedule, and it is perfectly normal that you are still feeling sadness over the loss of your ex husband, the father of your children, and the man with whom you shared so very much. He was a very important part of your life for many years. Especially when there are unresolved issues with anger and guilt, grief will maniesf itself in unexpected ways and times. And 8 months is not a long time to allow healing, especially when much of that time has been spent focusing on your children and the move. Perhaps now that you are beginning to be settled in your new home, you are only now starting to be able to focus a bit on yourself, and therefore beginning to deal with yur feelings.

With the information that you have shared here, it seems quite normal that you would feel anger. It's OK to feel that way. If you want to rant and scream we are here. If you want to cry we are here. And when you want to share anything we are here.

Please come back as often as you want. You might find that the catharsis of writing helps you to deal with and sort out your feelings.

You and your family will be in my prayers ~STOO~

[Roswell]

We all have a story to tell, and thank you for sharing. First and foremost welcome, and I think "STOO" summed it up

pretty well.

Unfortunately there's no prescription for what we're suffering from. It's a difficult journey...an unpaved road.

It's perfectly natural to feel lost. However, you will find your way!

Thoughts and prayers are with both you and your family. Write as often as you wish.

Anyway, I'm the quiet one...so I must return to my corner.

Warmest regards, best wishes. William

[lorikelly]

I am sorry that you had to come here but i know that you will find help here. Grief to me is like a roller coaster that you just can't get off. i find myself screaming alot to get off but it won't stop. i just know that coming to this site does give me help, at least i know i am not alone and not crazy. i also take meds for anxiety but you needed to grieve. if you can talk to someone or get into a group for you and your boys. i believe they need it also b/c children grieve also and if we overlook it they will have problems later on. keep coming back . lori

[MartyT]

My dear Sara,

I, too, am so very sorry to read your tragic story, and I'm grateful that you've found your way to this special place that offers you the companionship, comfort and hope that you are seeking. As Lori and William and STOO have said, you are not alone with all of this, and we are here to offer whatever help we can.

There is a great deal of information on this site and in these forums, if you take the time to read through many of the topics posted here. In your particular circumstances, however, I think you may find this post quite helpful:

Explaining Suicide to Children: To Survivors of Parental Suicide

[sararhiannon]

I can't thank you all enough for you kind words and thoughts. It really does mean a great deal to me. I have just enrolled in Marty's online First Year of Grief course and went through lesson one earlier this morning. I know it is a very long road ahead that my boys and I will have to travel but I can't even explain, nor do I need to, the difference in my physche just in the last few days finding you all and not feeling that 'aloneness' quite so heavily.

Much love and gratitute...

Edited September 18, 2006 by sararhiannon

[Penny1]

Sara

I am so sorry to hear about your loss and the terrible journey you have had...

I am not sure how many posts you have read... but in one of my other posts to another member, I mentioned the free counselling services that I became aware of here in my home town....

There is a crisis clinic which is affiliated with our hospital and victim services which I found out about after losing my mom....

I know how finacial hardship can prevent some of us from seeking counselling which I feel is a vital part of recovery especially in circumstances like yours....

I took my children to this clinic the day I had to tell them that their beloved Gramma was murdered.... It was one of the most difficult days in the beginning that I was faced with.... I can't say enough about the wonderful people who work there for they made this difficult time so much easier for me....

I pray for you and your boys and hope that there is some help for you out there...

I know from experience, you have a long difficult journey ahead of you as a Mom and hope you come back when you are in need of some support....

Everyone here is so wonderful.... angels sent from above... to help you

Take care and God Bless you....

[kayc]

Sararhiannon,

I am sorry also to hear your story. I too am in the Northwest, in a small town called Oakridge Oregon. Here we have a counselor that would help you and he only accepts donations based on what you can afford and leaves that up to you. I feel you and your boys will need some counseling and probably the sooner the better. It is common to feel guilty over someone's death when you have ended a relationship and it is very very important that you realize that you are in no way responsible for his death and that his choices were his own. It is also important to realize that had he been well and stronger inside, he would have made different choices. Because he ended his life, it does not mean that he did not love his boys...it meant he personally couldn't handle things. If you have read my topic "Betrayal" you will know that I have been through a lot with my husband's drug use...one of the hard parts about drug use is that it causes so much grief for the person the user loves. There is no way around it, the repercussions from someone's choice to use is far reaching.

I am very glad you have someone in your life that is so supportive and loving, that will be very helpful to you. I do too. But it is also sometimes hard for them to understand why they alone can't be enough for you to just move past it all...and you have the compounded situation of two children, also affected, to deal with. That is why I highly recommend a counselor...maybe you could work through your own stuff on your own, but the boys, being so young, need help. Sometimes even a school counselor can be of help as they are trained to help the child get out their feelings and realize they are in no way responsible for these adult situations. It could be the school might even have funding for counseling somewhere...it's worth looking into.

This is a very supportive caring site with some loving, wise people who have experienced all manners of situations and you have definitely stumbled onto a good place to be. Please keep coming back. It's important that you get your feelings out and not bottle them up. One thing I have noticed about grief and everything associated with it, it doesn't just go away because we want it to...it beckons to be dealt with. It takes time. There is no quick healing, but healing does come. There are other parents on this site that are also going through some hard places...Derek is one. Keep reading and writing...you're in our prayers now.

[sararhiannon]

Dear KC and Penny,

I have taken your words of wisdom to heart. I am going to make it a priority to find some counseling for my son and myself as well. I just got a job a good one where I understand they have a program called solutions. I start tomorrow.

I am so emotionally all over the place right now. Mostly I am angry today. I keep coming here though and even though I don't post alot I do read a great deal. I will for sure read the post on Betryal.

You know what? Even though the last few years were hell. And even though it all ended so horribly..I still miss that sob...as I sit here crying and typing and I am MAD...I don't want to miss him. I just want for it all to go away and it wont. God help me get through this..give me strenght..

and thank you everybody..

[kayc]

Yeah, I understand...I still love and miss George too. But there was more to him than just his weakness and betrayal...there was also the love and devotion and caring...he always always helped anyone in need and would give the shirt off his back to anyone in need. He was so good to my mom...our family will always be grateful to him for how good he was with her...she is mental and has always been quite a challenge for us, yet he loved her like no one else could and made her feel special. There are all aspects to a person and that is what we have to keep in mind...they aren't just what they did, they were a lot of things to us.