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Feeling The Weight Of The World Today


MarieR

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Hi all...I'm having one of those days when everything is negative. I feel lonely and tired of the emotional and physical pain. I have a hard time convincing myself that this pain will end. I was able to do that for a while..and now I desperately cling to the words whenever someone speaks them to me. I get a little sparkle of hope..thinking that I'll find my joy again...that I'll "re-join" my body and feel normal, in sync again.I feel so out of sorts at times...like I am walking thru mud and uphill! I have days where I feel ok and days like today when I feel pain all around me. I feel like I can't get a handle on much these days. I feel lonely and scared and want to find the words inside of myself that will comfort me...but this is one of those days where I'm having a hard time keeping my chin up.I know you all know what I mean as I silently scream..."somebody please help me today!"

Marie

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Hi i just want you to know that i have alot of those days. somedays i can't stop my minding from spinning. every scenario from my moms last days goes through my heads. it is like a video tape that won't stop playing. i beat myself up everyday for things i should of done differently. i also think it will never get better, how can it. i just can say that i keep on trying one day at a time. today i am physcially and emotionally tired and just want to sleep my life away. i hope you have a better day tomorrow. lori

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I relate. It is all VERY exhausting and a lot of days I come home from work at lunch, eat quickly then go lay down for 15-20 minutes just to nap and try to keep going! Somedays I really believe the only thing that makes me even get out of bed in the morning is the fact that I have my little boy to support so I have to go to work or he doesn't eat. If it weren't for him I no doubt would have crawled in a hole and died the day my precious Mother died! Maybe you can get a reason to keep going on too like a pet? I have my son, my dog and 2 cats and they are the reason I even keep trying. Grief is SO HARD!!! Love to all.

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Marie,

I don't know your story, but I know exactly what you mean and how you feel. I have a 7 years old son to take care of and that is what has kept me going also, like what Whiteswan said. There are still days I feel like I just can't go on. I have found that a 10 or 15 minute nap has helped me get through the day. I have also learned that when I let myself get tired from staying up too late the next day my emotions are running haywire. This will get better in time just ask God each morning to get you through this day and then let go of it. Let God take the wheel and run your day. May God grant you some peace.

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Marie,

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I think what helped me was to realize that I'm going to be going up and down for a long time. I know it won't go away soon. That may sound like it should make you feel worse, but for some reason when I just accepted it, I seemed to feel better. Now I relish the moments that I feel happy or hopeful and when the bad moments hit, I remind myself that they will pass too. And of course, sleeping and taking care of yourself helps too. When I eat better and take naps, I have more inner strength to fight the bad moments. Hang in there.

Hugs,

Shell

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Hi all,

I am so sorry that all of you are feeling the exact way I feel. I know I have to keep moving for my children and my husband. But somedays it is more than I can deal with to do more than what I absolutely have to do. I can not deal with anyone elses pain. Nor, can I deal with happy times that others are having. I don't have the energy to laugh. It's been 2 months and I just miss her so much right now. I feel like I cried the first month because I knew as an adult how final death is. Now, I cry because she is gone. I go to her grave almost everyday. When do you get that ray of hope to just want to laugh a little bit? Thanks to all for listening.

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When do you get that ray of hope to just want to laugh a little bit?

Trudy, It took me a long time, atleast a few months. But something that helped me a great deal was some advice from Maylissa. She said (probably more eloquently than I'm reproducing here...) that a place to start is to find the smallest moments of happiness, like if even for a few moments. Thinking of being happy for even 5 minutes seemed overwhelming in the beginning. But if you can find joy if for even for 30 secs, it's a start! So I allowed myself this and slowly slowly slowly these times of happiness (or just not misery) became longer. I remember one of these first times I let myself be happy was when I was eating some really yummy chocolate ice cream. :D So start small... Hope that helps, Kelly

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Yup....having far, far fewer expectation of ourselves, too, helps when grieving. I try and use humour, in little spurts, to give myself little breaks from the heavy grief and sorrow....like this wryly amusing thing someone sent me recently:

" God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I'm so far behind, I will never die!"

Since I really do believe that we each are here to accomplish some kind of personal soul mission before we can leave, this one really speaks to me, even if I can't actually laugh at it in certain moments. But of course, it's no good to read when I'm in that place where I only WANT to finish up here and leave (like this week so far )...so everything has its place and time and we just have to experiment with each moment and see what fits us at that very moment. What works one time may not the next, but the time after that it may work again. The more coping mechanisms we can add to our stockpile, the more equipped we can be for any given moment, even if that moment calls for nothing but sitting and feeling as awful as we feel right then.

....and kellymarie, glad something I said helped you a little. Chocolate icecream be good....mmmmmmm.....

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Hi all..thanks for the support and great advice...those rough days are misery...and they come and go. Something I started doing might be of help to others. Every night I check to see if America's Funniest Home videos is on. I put that on whenever it's on...both for me and my husband. He is worried about me and our home has been filled with alot of pain and saddness...so to watch and hear him laugh is good for him and me. It's good for me to laugh too...it's funny though as sometimes when I laugh, I hear my inner critic telling me that I shouldn't be laughing...or maybe I feel guilty laughing because my best friend has died and some part of me thinks I shouldn't laugh. I know she would want me to laugh...she always said she loved my laugh...it was infectious. When will I feel like I can go on...that it's ok to laugh..when can I let her go enough to get on with my life? This is the hardest thing I have ever done...I miss her.

Hope all are well today...

Marie

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Marie, I know that guilty feeling when you start to enjoy something about life and then realize that our loved one is gone. There were times when I started to feel those moments of happiness come through and it would actually make me cry. But slowly slowly slowly (it's a trend!), I felt less guilty about being happy. It's a difficult transition but it sounds like watching America's funniest home videos is a great way to bring laughter into your home. And you never have to "let go," it's just that the relationship changes. It's a different relationship. Hugs, Kelly

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The guilty feelings are so normal and familar to all of us. I am further down the road than some of you, but I just one day decided that while my life would never be the same and my grief would always be there on some level, I was still here and had to try to live my life. And I have always believd "laughter is the best medicine"! So I try to watch or read or do ANYTHING that makes me laugh, and I don't feel guilty anymore. I sometimes think of laughing as the same as crying, in the sense that it is a huge stress reliever, so if we can accept that it's ok to cry, we can accept that it's ok to laugh....just part of our healing.

Hugs to all,

Shell

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  • 2 weeks later...

Just feeling horrible yesterday and today. very sad and crying alot. this week was 3 mos for my mom and i feel so alone. i just don't want it to be this way, why can't i just wake up from it and it be the way it was. i am sorry i just feel so scared that this pain will never end. i am trying but it sometimes gets the best of me and now is that time. thanks for listening. lori

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