Having A Delayed Reaction!

[Shelley]

I lost my father in April of 2006 and now my mother in September. I'm wondering if anyone has experienced the following: When my father died I had to continue caring for my 90 year old mother and it was very sad. During that time I almost immediately experienced profound grief for my father. I was coming to terms with it when my mother died. For a few weeks I have been o.k. with this because I was happy that they were finally together again. But they were my best friends and I feel so alone now. So....I've been O.K. until today. Today I am unbelievably depressed. I see people together, happy doing things and I wonder if I will ever be happy again. I am so sad today....could I be having a delayed reaction to the death of my parents? And, will this pass? And does anyone have tips to help me overcome this feeling of terrible emptiness and hopelessness?

Thanks,

Michele

[lorikelly]

I am sorry that ou are having a bad time right now. i know how you feel, i lost my mom in july and the pain somedays is unbearable. i hate the weekends b/c it hits the worse. i have a wonderful husband and two boys but it still hurts so bad. i keep waiting for it to go away ( the pain) but every day i awake and it is there. some days are worse then others and some moments are worse. i just try to take those good moments and hang on to them. i pray for more . i want to be able to wake up one morning and feel good and be ok, i am not sure if that will ever truely happen but i am hoping. my thoughts and prayers are with you. my mom was 79 and sick but it doesn't matter how old they are we still want and love them. i hope tomorrow brings you a ray of sunshine. lori

[dpodesta]

Michele,

Sad to hear you are having a bad time right now, You are so new into this and it must feel like you are in a tunnel with no light at the end. I know that is what I felt like when it had been less that a month. As far as with your father, it is understandable to have a delayed reaction, you then took on the roll of taking care of your mother and didn't have time to properly grieve. So now that your mom has passed away, you no longer have that roll you took on as a distraction for your mind. As time goes on you will notice that the time inbetween bad times will get longer and longer, and the bad times themselves wil be shorter and shorter, Just turn it over to God and he will give you peace.

Derek

[shell]

Michele,

I know exactly how you feel, except that my mom is (thank God!) still living. But when my dad died, my mom basically fell apart and I had to take over everything, so I was grieving for my dad, but had so much to think about with my mom and all that I think it got "delayed" somewhat. I also felt a certain sense of relief after my dad died because I knew he was finally at peace. But then that wears off and the pain of it hits you. And with your mom passing too, so soon after your dad, it is a double whammy for sure. Unfortunately it just takes time to feel all the feelings that grief brings. But, it will get easier and there will be moments of light at the end of the tunnel (as Derek so aptly described it). I am so sorry for your losses.

Hang in there and let yourself grieve, it's the only way to get through it.

Hugs to you,

Shell

[lil kid]

michele - 'this to, shall pass'...ever heard of that one? so hard to REALLY believe, but.... i remember the first time i REALLY laughed after my dad's death. and then i immediately cried. i cried because i'm kinda known for my laughter & sense of humor, but all of a sudden, when i REALLY laughed, i realized that i hadn't done so in way too long. i said out loud to my husband, "do you see me smiling? look how i'm laughing!" seemed like it had all become so foreign to me, and that is why i cried. i thought, 'this isnt me - to be so forlorn all of the time'. i know that you feel alone in your grieving, and you are - but only to an extent. you have this place to come to & hopefully some friends or family that you can vent to / cry when you need to. delayed reaction is how i feel as well....and i find that im disapointed in myself for even having these thoughts/emotions after all these years ( almost 3)...but IT DOES happen, & you have to let yourself move through them. take time to feel it, as awful as it is..because it will heal you in the long haul.

[Leann]

Hi, Shelley:

I am so sorry for your losses; your in my prayers this evening. I think the best you can do is literally take things one step at a time. My Dad died in June and my brother and I are caring for our Mom (she's 80 and thankfully still living). When you have a surviving, elderly parent in need of care, you do go from one thing to the next. I've been clinging to my Mom for dear life and probably driving her crazy. I told my brother last weekend that "I dread the day we have to go through this again." But I'm trying not to look ahead or back, attempting instead to focus on moving forward. Some days are better than others, but the better days are beginning to become more frequent. Things will never be ok because my Dad's not here...however, I think if we can come to terms with our new normals, we've done as well as we can do.

Wishing you comfort and peace,

Leann

[amanda]

hi shelley,

first let me tell you i am so so sorry for your loss,when you have lost both of your parents i think it hits really hard.

i lost my dad 12 years ago and then my mum may 2005,im still not over it,if there is such a thing.

I think its really normal to have delay reactions with grief,there is no hard or fast rules, everyone is different in the way they cope with each loss and each loss is different as you never have the same relationship with one person as you do with another.

the only advice i can give you is to hang in there,take each minute as it comes and dont beat yourself up for the way you feel ar the way you are reacting to your great loss.

all my love

amanda

Edited October 26, 2006 by amanda

[Taika]

Hi Michelle,

I lost my dad in December and my mom in August. I know how you feel. My mom still lived on her own and was very sad most of the time. I was sad too and couldnt or wouldnt for whatever reason go to that place with my mom and just cry. I think now that if I would have helped her through her grief she would still be here, but I was so sad too. It's weird when you lose both parents, some days I am not sure who I am crying about. I think that we never know when feeling of grief are going to pop up. I have been so much better since joining this site. I cannot tell you how good it feels to talk to people who know how you feel. It will get better.

[shell]

Taika,

My mom is still so sad (a year and 8 months later, after losing my dad)and I try to help her, but I have finally realized that sometimes no one can help us get through our grief but ourselves. It certainly helps to have people to talk to (like this wonderful site!) and someone to hold us when we cry or just to be there, but ultimately it is in our own minds that we have to work through it. So don't beat yourself up over what you did or didn't do with your mom. It probably wouldn't have made a difference. I think all the guilt we feel after losing someone is one of the hardest parts of grieving. And, in most cases, we really have nothing to be guilty about, but we build up every little thing into something bigger than it was. I know...been there, done that. We do the best we can at the time and that's all we can realistically hope for.

Big hugs,

Shell