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Trying To Fit In


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Hi All,

I hope this is okay to add to this area of the website....

I am here at my new house and I am desperately trying to fit in with my sister's family... I do try to spend time with the family but feel like I am butting in where I should not be. I used to live with my parents who are now died... My counsellor encourages me to become more independent but after looking after both parents it is hard to go out and meet people so I spend alot of time at home in my room...I need some ideals of how to fit in better and to be more independent.... Take care Shelley

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Shelley,

I'm so sorry for how hard this has been on you. Not only losing both your parents, but having to move, leave your dog, get used to new surroundings and a new city! You poor thing, I can't imagine how you've managed. But I think you have done well so far. As far as fitting in.....just be yourself. In time it will feel more natural and you will feel like you fit in better. As far as being more independent, I can't help you there. I am not an independent person at all! So if you find out how, let me know too!

Take care of yourself.

A big hug to you,

Shell

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Shelley

I don't really have any ideas except to give yourself time. it must be hard to lose your parents and then your home. Are you able to get out on your own? i hope i am not being to pushy by asking that. maybe it would help if you had your own space to call yours. i will be thinking of you. lori

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Hi Lorikelly,

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate the time it took you to do it... It is very nice to know that people here really understand what yu are going through... Take care and Thank you again Shelley

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  • 2 months later...

Hi All,

I am still here and boy do I need help, I love living here with the children but I am still really struggling with the fact I still do not feel like I fit in anywhere... Can someone help me???? I am trying to meet new people but I am very shy and are having trouble just being myself sometimes because of being so shy I try to be like a different person who is not shy at all.... Take care Shelley

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Shelley,

I just hate the fact that we all live so far apart! We could all be doing so much better if we all lived in the same town...think of how many friends we'd have and what a great support group, not to mention helping each other with all kinds of things! At least we have this board! The only thing I can suggest is maybe you could volunteer for something and that would help you meet new people. I think maybe it's just that we aren't ready for any new friendships, but someday we will be and then it will just come naturally. I know I have only a few "real" friends (I can count them on one hand and have fingers left over!) and can't even imagine trying to make new ones, except for all you wonderful people on here. It is really hard, isn't it? Just give yourself some time.

Big hugs,

Shell

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Hi All,

Today is my sister's birthday and what usually happens is that she gets her breakfast in bed and the rest of the family makes the breakfast for her... While today I got up and they were all upstairs doing the birthday breakfast thing and my brother-in-law came down and said nothing to me and continued to go back upstairs to enjoy the time.... So I just sat in the tv room all alone and waited till they were done... I felt like I was outside looking in and when they need me to be there I am but the times I am not wanted I feel like I am locked out.... Take care Shelley

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Hi Lorikelly,

Thank you for your reply and I do plan to wish her a Happy Birthday and I made her a second scrapbook from her childhood, pictures that my mom had of her... I made one for her for Christmas and now I will give her the second one for her birthday... And it has not been just today it has happened other days as well... I just do not feel like I belong any where... Take care Shelley

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Shelley

I am sorry that you feel this way. i wish we were closer. i want you to have a wonderful time on your trip you deserve it and your parents would want it.

I hope i am not being to personnel but are you able to move out on your own? if so maybe you should so you can have your own space.

what about getting a pet for you to have. you know animals are the best thing to have. they give us such unconditional love and gives us something to care about. i know my mom loved having her cat and i have my wonderful cats. i hope you sister would let you get one.

you are in my prayers. lori

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Hi Lorikelly,

I have thought of moving out but I am not making very good money right now and it would be hard to find another job that I could make the money I would need to move out on my own... I am starting to really save so hopefully some day soon I can move out... I would probably move back to Bowmanville where I live with my parents before they died... Take care and Thanks for your reply... Shelley

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Shelly

I don't visit this sight much any more. Today I was just bored, or avoiding my household chores, or whatever. Anyway I came accross your post and you remind me a little of myself when I was younger. I was the baby and my siblings always treated me like I had the plauge. I was so shy. I used to get so hurt when they did things and didn't include me. Even when I was old enough to do them. My dad would say that it was because I didn't let them know that I was interested. My feeling was, that they should ask me. Now I'm 43 and they still do this to me. I think it is something they get used to as kids. I was the one they had to watch when they went swimming or on other outings. They dreaded taking me with them because it ment to much resposability and to little fun. It just hasn't accured to them that I can take care of myself now. I brought this up a couple of years ago to my brother. He now treats me as an equal. When you saw your sister's family serving her breakfast you should have ducked your head in and wished her a happy birthday. I would be willing to bet that they are feeling just as awkward around you, as you do around them. They don't know you very well and you probably havn't given them much of a chance to get to know you. I would guess that they are just trying to give you some space, especially since you are grieving. When people don't know what to say, they usually say nothing. Get to know your brother inlaw and even your sister a little better. Ask them things about their lives or their work. You may find something you have in common to talk about. Once you've gotten comfortable with your family you will find it easier to talk to other people. I hope you don't think I'm intruding. My daughter says I come off very mean and rude when I write. I'm realy not that way. I wasn't trying to make you feel as if it was all your falt. I just know, that in my case, some of it was my own fear of rejection that kept me from getting what I wanted from people the most. Friendship and understanding.

Best of luck

Sandy

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Hi Sandy,

Thank you for your reply, When my siblings and I were young and growing up we were so very close... As everyone started to get married and move out we grow even closer... We had over twenty people in our family right now.. It just been since my parents died that we have all fallen apart and because I was the one who stayed at home to help mom and dad when they got older... I never married or had any children... So now it is hard to get involve in a new way with the family.... I am the oldest of the girls of the house....Take care Shelley

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Shelley

I'm so sorry, I realy thought you were maybe a teen or in your 20's. That's what I get for butting in without doing my research. That puts a whole different spin on the subject. I'm sure you are feeling as if your whole world has been turned around. Maybe you should think of your situation as a new begining for you. Very scary thought I'm sure. But a little exciting also. Best of luck to you. I believe you will come out on top.

Sandy

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Shelley,

I was thinking that it kind of makes you the "mother" of the group now, huh? Being the oldest. I'm divorced and have no kids, so my mom and brother and our kitties (of course!) are my family. I think when you are married and have kids, it puts a different "spin" on losing a parent. At least you have your own family. And I am in NO WAY saying to any of you that are married and have kids that your grief isn't as bad! It is, so please don't think I'm diminishing it by saying what I did. I was just saying that being alone adds another dimension to grief. That may also be why some of the people in our lives don't quite understand why we are not "getting over it" quicker! They (hopefully) have their children and husband for support and don't realize what it's like to be alone, with only yourself for support. Anyway, just a thought.

Hugs,

Shell

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Shell,

Thank you for your reply, I think that you are so right. When I had to move out everyone just expected me to be okay with that... But they all had their own houses and I had to move and find a whole new one and It was not easy to do... I think that being alone is the worst of it, because you feel abondon and that you have no one to talk too as well... I feel I am a child who has just been put up for adoption and no one wanted me... Eventhough I am here with my sister she feels so uncomfortable seeing me everyday... I am saving to find my own place so maybe I can feel a little better... Take care Shelley

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Shelley,

It sounds like (from your trip post) that your sister cares a lot about you, that she stood up for you against her husband, so you would have a good time and not be "abandoned" there. You just said she feels uncomfortable seeing you every day. If you don't think I'm being too nosy, why does she feel uncomfortable? If you'd rather not say anything further, I'll understand.

That was a very sad way of putting it...that you felt like a child up for adoption and nobody wants you. I think as you get more used to being on your own, you will meet more people and feel more wanted. But I know what you mean, it's that terrible lonely feeling and also feeling like you can't trust, or count on, anyone. But someday that will change. And you have a whole "family" here that needs you and wants you.

Big hugs,

Shell

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Shelley,

I agree with Shell and was wondering the same question. It's ok if you don't want to answer. You know, I've also been thinking, maybe your siblings don't understand your grief. They have their families that keep their minds busy. After work, supper, basketball games, homework, etc.....While your mind just keeps reliving that your parents are gone.

Also, maybe your sister can't handle your pain. Maybe she is having to push her grief aside because of her family, she only has strength for her. My Mom has been gone for 6 1/2 months and only now can my sister and I talk about her. We couldn't before. We recently talked about this. I would walk on egg shells when I was around my sister because I was afraid she talk about my Mom because I couldn't handle it. I wouldn't even go to her house to visit. I was "unconfortable" around her.

Me and my sister are very close. We are the only 2 girls out of 6 siblings.

Peace to you Shelley.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

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Hi Trudy1964, and Shell,

What I am trying to say is that I think she does care but maybe she just does not want to upset me more than I have been... I do agree that she probably does not know what I am feeling as to the grief issue because you are right that she has her own husband and my brothers have their own wives to help them deal and I have no one... I think time is the main issue here and I guess I should just try to not make anything else as an issue and just let time pass.... I am much better on my grief journey I think that I have come along way and still have work to do but it is getting easier.... My sister and I are getting along much better now I think we have realized that we need each other and that is a good thing... Take care Shelley

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Shelley,

Yes, you have come a long way. I have "seen" your growth and progress and am very proud of you for it. That is wonderful that you and your sister are getting closer. You're right, it just takes time. And it is sometimes harder when you don't have a husband or kids or anyone else to lean on, but you are doing great!

Hugs,

Shell

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