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Feeling Hurt


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Hi All,

Maybe I am just over emotional lately. The anniversary of my Mom's passing is the end of next month. I hate that I place such significance on dates...I always have. Birthdays, wedding anniversaries....I guess just good and bad dates.

Anyway, I have my on going saga with my Dad. I have always had a good relationship with him and still do. He was and is a super Dad. However, the past few weeks I have been having the desire to go up to my Dad's house which was my parent's house about 90 miles away. Due to his job and his days off and my days off I have not been there since July when it was my Mom's birthday. I thought I would drive up and spend the afternoon with him while my kids went to school. He told me that I could come and get a sewing machine that was my Mom's and give it to my daughter. Anyway, he's too busy. He's taking classes on-line and he doesn't have time. Then I told him well I guess I will see you whenever then. He came back and said I could come up but he would be studying...I got the picture...he doesn't want me to come. I am not.

I am just feeling a bit hurt. I mean, I lost my Mom...and sometimes even as an adult we just want to have some time with our parents. He's the only one I have left now and he doesn't want me to come. Maybe I am taking it too personally and I know he's not trying to hurt me but I am sad about this tonight. I know it will pass and I'll be okay and everything but sometimes missing my Mom hurts more than I ever thought it would....and I don't feel that comfort of a Mom from anyone.

Thanks for listening...I am just down right now. :(

Lori

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Hi,Lori...I'm so sorry things are difficult for you right now. I'd like to echo lorikelly's thought. Perhaps your Dad is having a hard time as well and just doesn't know how to express it....perhaps seeing you reminds him of your Mom and that's still pretty painful yet. It may not be a matter of not wanting to see you as much as it is him trying to work through his own emotions. My brother and I are grieving our Dad's death very differently. He seems to be coping with it by staying busy. I, on the other hand, am doing a great deal of crying. One day I got upset with him and told him I thought he didn't care that Dad was gone....he came unglued. I realized then that we all grieve in different ways....he's grieving Dad every bit as much as I am (just in a different way). I think we're all a bit more on edge with the holidays coming, shorter winter days and such. Take care.

Hugs,

Leann

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Hi again Lori.

I get like that too. soemtimes I get busy and I forget,well not forget, but too busy too think of it if you know hat i mean, then soemthing will happen or I will think, oh I have to tell mum that and bang it hits.

I think I miss the sound of her voice more than anything.

As for dad, he still hasn't rung iehter me or my sister to tell us his plans, he left it to the middle one. My younger sisiter isnt coping with this much better than I am, so we might see her on this site soon too.I have felt a lot calmer about things since talking to you.

well I haven't been much help have I LOL but I'm listening :)

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Thanks for the responses. I know things are rough for him. I think he has done well since Mom passed away...better than my brothers and I thought.

It just bothered me. It's been nearly 5 months since I have been to the house. I guess it brings me comfort to go there...my Mom's knick knacks are there, the house is as it is when my Mom was alive last year. When I asked him about coming to visit he said he has to study. He is now taking college courses on-line. He basically doesn't have time.

I am just sad about how much my family of origin has changed. I know I am a grown woman with a husband and children of my own but it still feels strange.

Once again thanks.

Lori

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Hi LoriW,

I know when my mom died, My dad had a very rough time. He tried to be so very brave around me... I knew that he was having a hard time and he would need the time to grief for himself but I still needed him too... I know it is hard but maybe you can phone him and talk that way for a while till he is ready for visitors. I know it maybe feel weird at first but maybe he just needs a little more time... I hope this helps and I will keep you and your dad in my prayers, Take care Shelley

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Hi All,

Maybe I am just over emotional lately. The anniversary of my Mom's passing is the end of next month. I hate that I place such significance on dates...I always have. Birthdays, wedding anniversaries....I guess just good and bad dates.

Hi lori, i'm big on dates too. must be our mums :)

The one that got me was my own birthday, it came only a month after mum died, and I jsut felt really disconnected. my sister rang me which helped and I rang her on her birthday for the same reason. mums birthday wasn't as bad as I thought compared to our own, weird huh?

I tend to take things personally too, I think our dads are caught up in their own.....selves soemhow, I'm pretty sure they arent intentianally hurting us, theyre jsut not thinking of us for their own stuff.doesn't make it hu rt any less though, and everyday he hasn't rung, I get a bit sadder, my sister is ropable, he won't know what hit him when he rings her!!!

regards

bee

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Lori,

Sorry your dad hurt your feelings. I don't think you are being overly sensitive, and even if you were, who could blame you? I think sometimes we are so concerned about helping everyone else that we forget about ourselves. We are grieving too, and are going to be extra sensitive (and have the right to be that way), and any other way we feel! As selfish as it sounds, sometimes I just want to scream "What about me? Does anybody notice I'm suffering too?" I know that's stupid, but sometimes I feel like all I do is give, give, give. I'm just tired I guess. The only suggestion I have is that maybe you tell your father basically what you told us. Maybe he doesn't realize how his actions are hurting you. Good luck, and try not to get too hurt about it, but I do understand why you feel that way. I would too.

Hugs to you,

Shell

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Thanks everyone,

I know he was not trying to hurt my feelings or avoid me. I have to remember that my Dad does not have my Mom there to bring him around to what others may be thinking or feeling. He is on his own. My Mom was always good at that stuff and I think I am the same way.

I talked to my husband about it and he said that "we guys think differently"....don't be hurt. I am getting over it but I wanted to feel connected up there at their house and I won't.

I appreciate all of you. This place is such a blessing for me. :wub:

Lori

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Lori,

Maybe your Dad could only deal with his own pain at the time. My Mom passed away 3 months ago. When I am having a really bad few days, I can't handle anyone elses hurt. I can't even sit by my sister in church because that's the last place I saw my Mom. I can look at my sister and see how she is hurting but can't do anything to help her. Not even to talk to her. I just can't console anyone else when I am on the downward slide of the roller coaster ride of grief. I have nothing left to give anyone else.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

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I think Trudy brought up a good point. It's funny, because my mom and I were just talking about this earlier today. How so many families, couples, siblings etc... kind of break apart when there is a death. You would think it would bring everyone closer together, but sometimes it drives them apart. And I think trying to handle someone elses grief when you are knee-deep in your own is one of the problems. You try your best, but you just can't handle their grief too. There are days when I just want to be around strangers, so I don't have to "be" anything other than what I am feeling at the moment. They don't know my "history". And Trudy is right, maybe your dad is trying to deal as best as he can, but can't deal with anything other than his own feelings. That's not to minimize your feelings at all. I totally understand your feeling hurt. Maybe on a "good" day, you can approach him about it and ask him.

Hugs,

Shell

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Tudy and Shell,

Maybe in some ways you are right. I just felt the compelling need to go there because it's my Mom's house. Sounds silly but I wanted to feel closer to her. I guess I am just being childish about the whole incident. I know my Dad hurts...I do. However, his reason for me not coming to see him was that he had to study. He is taking college courses on-line now which I think is good. He leaves in just 3 weeks to go meet the woman he has been developing a relationship on-line with. A month from tomorrow is the anniversary of my Mom's passing away.

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Hi, LoriW:

I don't think you're being childish at all. It's how you're feeling right now. I think this "disconnected" feeling must be normal. Even though my Mom is still living, she's in the nursing home. And even though she's doing remarkably well, I feel as though I've "lost" her, too. Even though my brother and I talk two or three times a week and are pretty supportive of each other, he's very busy with his own life as well. It's just not the same....my Dad was my "pipeline" for family information as well as what was going on in the "old hometown." He was the glue that held us together. Even though my brother lives on our family farm and I go home to help him out there alot (we also sign Mom out a lot and bring her home for visits), it's just not the same as when my folks were there. It's just not the same at all....

I will keep you and your Dad in my prayers and that things will work out between you.

Wishing you comfort and peace,

Leann

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Lori,

Would your Dad let you go and visit after he leaves? I think being able to touch her knick knacks would bring me a lot of comfort also. We sold my Mom's house after she passed so we can't go back. But I do have some pajamas. When I really miss her, I sleep in them. It's like she is holding me in her arms. I'll keep you and your Dad in my prayers.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

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Maybe you could try sending a card, email or letter letting him know how you feel. Like your husband said, guys think differently. He may not even realize that he hurt your feelings by this. But I can understand wanting to go to their house and feel like you are "visiting" your mom by being around her things.

XOXO

Magdalyn

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Thank you all for listening and understanding. I think I will take some advise given to me. I am pretty much over it. I guess I just have to process this stuff in my brain and vent here. Thank goodness this site is around and I always have someone willing to listen.

Hugs to you all

Lori

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