All Alone

[Laurie]

Today I went to my sons Halloween parade at school. As soon as I spotted him I choked up because I remembered last years parade when Sean was with me, and he was taking pictures. I walked home all alone crying. Life is so sad now. I thought I was going to have to take my son trick or treating alone too, (something we always did together) but my older son took him, and a few other boys wound up going in a group. So I'm home answering the door to give out the candy. It's so lonely, I miss Sean so so much. I just need him to hold me, that's all I want. I can't even imagine all the other holidays, Thanksgiving ( my brother and sister in law invited us to Pa.) but I just don't know if I'll be able to drive there. It's over 3 hr. away, and I'm horrible with driving. Christmas is going to be so sad. We got engaged on Christmas eve. After the kids went to bed we exchanged our gifts with eachother. I remember Sean gave me a big box with all these cleaning products in it, toilet brush, dust pan etc... All I could think was, you have got to be kidding. Then at the bottom of the box was a little box with my ring in it. If I only had another chance.. that's all I can think about.

[LarrysGirl]

Thanks for being here tonite Laurie and sharing. I feel less alone but so so sad. I know you do to and so MANY more to come. We made it through I guess. I have to share one thing with you because your engagement story made me laugh. When we got engaged it was on my birthday. All my girlfriends asked him what was he getting me and he said a can opener. So the evening of my birthday I got a cake and flowers and a CAN OPENER. I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I thanked him for the can opener. Then he said lets hurry up and have some cake. So I went to the kitchen trying not to show any disappointment and opened the cabinet to get a dish and there sat a little blue box. He was peeping around the corner grinning from ear to ear. I got a beautiful ring. The next day my friends were so surprised to see me with a ring and so jealous! He was very romantic, my guy.

[kayc]

Thank you for sharing your stories, I needed a laugh!

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

The following story came to me in an e-mail this afternoon from a dear friend, Sandy Goodman. I've just obtained permission from the author to post it on our site. I share it with you here, Laurie and Deborah, in hopes that it will bring you comfort on this Halloween night:

Halloween

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have always loved Halloween. As a kid it was about scoring as much of the best candy as possible. In my teenagers years it was a night I could rationalize getting into some trouble. And as an adult Halloween has always been a lot of fun. When you combine costumes and parties how can you go wrong?

Halloween now has a new meaning for me. My mom died last year on October 28th and her funeral was on Halloween. A few hours after she died we set the 31st as the date for the funeral. At the time I thought, "Well this really sucks. From now on Halloween won't be fun because the day will always remind me of my mom's funeral."

When Halloween came, it was a spectacular East Coast autumn day - clear, sunny, crisp and wherever you looked there were signs of the changing seasons. As I was taking in the pumpkins, corn stalks and colorful foliage I remembered something that I had learned from my native American studies .

According to their earth based philosophy, the time between Halloween (10/31) and All Souls Day (11/1) is the time of year when the "veil between the two worlds is the thinnest." It is the time when the spirit world is closest and most connected to our physical world here earth.

This perspective shifted how I felt about my mom being buried on Halloween. Instead of it being a bummer, it was now a gift. Suddenly it was "really cool" that my mom was being buried on Halloween.

Fast forward one year to the present.

This past weekend I participated in a sweat lodge ceremony, a native American prayer tradition, with my former teacher, Ellen. The ceremony is conducted inside a sweat lodge, which looks like an igloo but feels like a sauna. During the ceremony Ellen reminded us that the end of October through the beginning of November is a powerful time to connect with the souls and spirits of people who have passed on.

The loss of my mom was my first si gnificant experience with death. The grieving process has been interesting. I have gone from feeling completely overwhelmed, to relieved, to sad, to liberated. It's now been a year and I am still in it, in fact more deeply than during the first part of this year. I have learned that grief has a mind of its own, so I no longer try to control it.

Even if it means that I end up bursting into tears during the middle of a super fun date just because Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys sings the song "Barbara Ann." Yes, my mom was named Barbara Ann and when he played that song the other weekend at the phenomenal Bridge School Benefit Concert I cried like a baby.

Another thing I have noticed is how we, the American culture, don't really talk much about people who have died. I think that's weird. Maybe it's because remembering and talking about the people we love who are no longer with us can bring up intense sadness. I guess sometimes it seems easier to not think about those whom we have lost.

If you are going through any type of grief, I encourage you to take advantage of this special time of year and connect with the people in your life who have passed on. The sad feelings can't go away until they have been felt.

-- Michelle Schubnel

President - Coach & Grow R.I.C.H.

michelle@coachandgrowrich.com

[Laurie]

Thank you so much Marty, Kay, and Larrysgirl, It helps to know we're in this together. Yes we made it through Halloween. Love, Laurie

[LarrysGirl]

Marty, thank you. November is going to be a month to go thru, as it is the anniversary of Larry's death and the next day his birthday. I hope to feel closer to him, not further away. Thank you again, it helped.

[AnnC]

That's lovely, Marty. The ancient Irish and Scottish also believed the veil between the worlds is thin on that day.

I also participate on a web site about after-death communication, and have for over a year. Last year a Mexican-American lady on that site told us about Los Dias de los Muertos, the Mexican Day of the Dead, Nov. 1-2. They set up an altar with marigolds, pictures of the deceased, other flowers, fruit, food, candy, candles. It's a celebration based in indigenous beliefs melded to Catholicism that the Spanish brought. They believe it is a celebration of the cycle of life-death-rebirth, that their relatives/friends return to visit.

So ever since this lady told me about the day, I have set up a table with pictures of all my deceased relatives and my ex-husband, with a pot of marigolds, candles, candy, fruit, and welcomed them to visit me. It makes me feel good to have an annual ritual to remember all those who have passed on.

Ann

[kellymarie]

Ann, Your reference to the Mexican Days of the Dead gave me goosebumps. I had been thinking about how much Josh loved Halloween but didn't really put it all together that he was also very interested in the Day of the Dead. Last year around this time, he bought two panorama boxes from Mexico that had depictions of skeletons and the celebration of the Day of the Dead. I don't think I realized then what it was really all about. He sent one of the panoramas to his friend who was also interested. He kept his panorama in the kitchen. Then when I was going through Josh's belongings with his mom, I came across Josh's Day of the Dead panorama and sent it to his friend. And this summer I planted a bunch of orange marigolds for Josh. But I really didn't put it all together until now. It makes me wonder if Josh, on some level, knew he was to die so young...

[gabrielle_land]

Just a week ago I was talking with a mexican friend, and she told me about the importance that day has for them, its a very meaningful/spiritual day... Oct. 31 was an important day for Chris too since he was a very spiritual person and believed very much in that our loved ones are somehow with us, and as Kelly has mentioned I never thought much about it or gave it that much importance until now..

My mexican friend asked me something, she asked me not to suffer this much because in their culture they believe our loved one isn't at peace knowing how much we suffer and so I have to "let him go". I guess it makes sense that our dear ones wouldn't like to see us like this, but then its just impossible not to feel as we do. Anyway, just getting much more spiritual helps somehow to make the pain less heavier.

Blessings to all of you,

Gaby

[Laurie]

Gaby, I like what your friend told you about how our loved ones wouldn't want to see us suffering. I was trying to think about that today, trying to imagine it was me that died, instead of Sean. And I thought how I might feel, watching the ones I love. Of course I would expect them to be sad for a while, and I know they would miss me alot. But I think after a time, I would want them to remember the good times, the love we had, laugh at some of the memories, and Then I would want them to be happy again, to love again.. I know they would always love and miss me, but I would want them to live and enjoy their lives. I think that is what our loved ones want for us. Love, Laurie

[kayc]

Marty,

Thank you so much for sharing that. I got home too late to read everything on the site last night so am just now catching up. Her statement, "the end of October through the beginning of November is a powerful time to connect with the souls and spirits of people who have passed on." perhaps explains one of the reason I have been feeling more like I do about George lately...I have been feeling more at peace, yet missing him, I have been able to forgive him his problems and treasure the wonder of HIM!

Her other statement, "I have learned that grief has a mind of its own, so I no longer try to control it." is something else that I have learned. We have to learn to "go with it".

Please express our thanks to Michelle for allowing you to share this with us.

[kellymarie]

Today I found out that Josh's friends had their baby boy that they've named after Josh on November 1; he was about 2 weeks early... just in time for all saints day. And that Josh's name will be included in tonight's mass for all souls day at my dear friend's church. I definately feel "the veil between the two worlds is the thinnest..."

[kayc]

Kelliemarie,

How neat! I think there must be something to "the veil is the thinnest..."

[spunkye]

Hi Laurie,

I loved your story about the Christmas box full of cleaning supplies - it sounds like he really had a good sense of humor!! ..and I'm so sorry you're feeling so sad.

I know what you're talking about...last week, I spent most of it in bed. Monday, I said I was feeling better and was going to do a lot this week - and I don't know if a day has gone by without my crying. Last night I told God all I wanted to do was see him one more time and tell him I love him -...so when I think I'm feeling better, bam - another crying jag starts.

I'm sorry I don't have any words of solace for you today - I've been going through the pits myself. I really do need to find a grief group. I started looking for one last week and will start looking again this week.

God bless!

Love, Benita