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Long Weekend


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Well the 10th is a holiday for me so I am faced with yet one more day to be alone and lonely. There is only so much T. V. you can watch and there is only so long that your body will let you sleep. I look at his picture and I know that he is no longer in pain, but my pain is very real and it hurts so much. The holidays are approaching and I do not feel in the holiday mood. My kids expect me to pick it up and cook the usual big dinner so they can bring the kids and eat. I am not sure I am up to a house full of kids and family. In fact I would just like to crawl into a hole and hide. Is that normal? I do not know what is normal any more. Some days I think I am going to get through without crying and then it hits me, after I call out as I enter the door I'm home Stephen, that he is not there and will never be again. There are times I am mad that he left me behind to deal with the mess and to try to go on. So how do I get through this long weekend. Do I hug the dog? Do I spend extra time with the horses? When I do I just remember the long carriage rides we took and how in his last days the dog barely left his side or that the dog was the one to let me know he was drawing his last breath, so I could hold him tight as he died. I know that God is carrying me and there are times I wish he would just let me fall. I know that each of you are going through you own personal hell and I am thankful that I found this form and all of you.

Jane

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Hi Jane, I'm having a really hard time tonight too. For over a week now, it almost seems to get harder, rather than easier as I miss him more and more every day. I'd say it's normal to want to curl up and hide. I feel the same way most of the time. Somedays I seem to do ok as well. When I'm at work with my friends, but on my breaks I usually cry in my car. I really let it all out on my drive home. There are so many songs that remind me of Sean. He loved music and was always singing. He even quietly sang me to sleep sometimes. Although he never got the lyrics right! I hear so many songs that I feel, or I can almost convince myself are a message from him. I do sometimes feel the anger towards him for leaving me too. Lately I keep thinking how he would be coping if it were me who had died instead. I think he'd be feeling guilty, as I do, but for different reasons. I think he'd hate remembering how he hurt me, but I hate remembering how I never stopped punishing him for hurting me. I really hate myself for doing that to him. I try not to think about it, but it's hard. Anyway, Yes hug your dog! I do, and I take her into my bed now too. And I hug my kids alot more now too, and tell them I love them all the time. I think we just have to believe that our Sweethearts are in Heaven, and they love us and they WILL be waiting for us. For now, we just don't know why we were the one's who were left behind. Hang in there Jane. Love, Laurie

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I agree that the weekends are rough. Especially during the holidays. My husband and I would be out Christmas shopping or planning our Thanksgiving plans. It is so normal to shy away from people. Some days I just dont want to face the world. I never thought a world without Jason would keep spinning, but much to my suprise it does. Its gonna be rough.

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Dear Jane,

I could no more cook a big holiday dinner with family and/or friends than I could fly to the moon!!! I can't believe it's almost Thanksgiving...I can't even think about Christmas - and December 6 would have been our 10th year anniversary...so these times , I think, are difficult for all of us.

My advice about the holidays is to let someone take care of you!! You need to heal - as we all do - and it does seem to take time, time, time...

God bless, Benita

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Jane, I think you struck a nerve here, as everyone is feeling the exact same way. Yes, we are all going on day to day but we would much rather curl up somewhere and sleep this all away. My one year anniversary is this Thursday and the next day would have been Larry's birthday. I am so filled with dread and anxiety. Then people ask me what are my plans for the holidays??? I have no idea, couldn't care less and all I know is it will never be the same and I'm just here with my wonderful memories with my heart breaking. I wanted time to stand still. Jane, if you fill like making dinner then go ahead but don't put yourself thru all of this stuff if its not what you are up for. We do have to pace ourselves because this grief is stressful enough without adding the holidays. Deborah

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The last few weeks have been worse than ever and then my kids asked me the other day what we were going to do for Thanksgiving. Of course they aren't aware that recently I've been worse than I was in the beginning, because I hide it from them and do my weeping in privacy. My response was; "you do what you want, I'm going to take a sleeping pill and sleep through it". My house is the only place big enough for us all to get together so whatever they plan it will have to be here. I was really dreading it!

The holidays have been rough for me since our 38 year old eldest daughter died December 12, 1993, so my lack of interest during the holidays is nothing new.

In the meantime it's been bothering me that my three year old great grandson who lives in a tiny apartment isn't getting enough mental and physical activities. When he's over here it isn't much better because with all that pent up energy he's constantly into everything he shouldn't be and is extremely demanding with nothing constructive to do when he visits.

Late that nite I was here reading the suggestions about starting new Holiday traditions and the idea clicked. I resolved that my holiday planning will revolve around fixing up and toddler proofing the huge den that no one uses any more. It was my husbands room where he often curled up with a good book or watched his big screen tv or listened to the music he so dearly loved. The big TV is gone now and there's plenty of room for an active 3 year old to set up his tent, ride his toys and play with his trains to his hearts content.

Hopefully the planning, shopping and actually putting the room together will do a great deal to keep his great grandma in a better frame of mind, and turn out to be a place of joy for a precious little boy. And maybe even his Great Grandma, mom, dad and aunts and uncles will quit treating the room as an unused shrine which his great grandpa would have never wanted. His great grandpa would be thrilled with the idea and would have spent hours in there laughing and playing with him if he was still here. Also while he's in that room he freely and lovingly talks about his "grandpa" which is excellent therapy for all of us.

I'm aware the preparations won't be a cure all, but the small amount of planning I've done so far has brought many smiles of anticipation and fewer tears!

This will be one of our new traditions that my husband would have wholeheartedly approved of! By next Christmas there will be a second great grandchild who will be five months by then (cousin) to enjoy the room with him. Another Brand new tradition!

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Tori,

What a great idea! This is what I was talking about when I mentioned "rebuilding", and it's definitely something your husband would have loved!

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