I Cooked For Five

[Laurie]

I really wonder if I might be losing my mind. Today I cried all the way home from work again. When I got home I went right into the bedroom and looked at all Sean's pictures, I haven't been able to look at them for a few weeks. I curled up in bed and just cried and cried. All I could think is, I want to be with Sean and if I didn't have my boys, I would die. I know that sounds awful, but when I get to thinking like that all I can think is, Well if there's a Heaven, then we'll be together, and if there's not, well then at least my pain will be over. It's amazing how the world keeps going on around us, but for me everything ended that day. I finally dragged myself up and started dinner, only to realize I had cooked for five people. There are only four of us now. I was so upset I tried to think of someone to call to talk to about it, but I realized the only person who I wanted to comfort me is Sean. My heart is absolutley broken, it hurts so bad and I can't even swallow past this lump in my throat. How could I have been cooking for five? I mean I actually made sure I made 10 rolls, thinking 2 for each of us. This morning when I signed onto my computer, I really thought I might see a letter from Sean. I checked my mail, looking for his email address. He always wrote me alot from work early in the morning, and there would be a letter waiting for me when I woke up. This morning I actually convinced myself that there might be one there. Am I going crazy? I just can't believe how painful this is. How does anyone ever get through it? Laurie

[kellymarie]

Laurie, I am so sorry you are having such a tough day and night. You are not going crazy; it's just so insane what your heart and mind is trying to understand... that your Sean is not physically there with you. I used to think I would see an email or text message from Josh eventhough I knew he was gone. I used to also think that dying wouldn't be such a bad option to escape the pain. But somehow I just kept getting up and going through the motions. Somehow we keep going. I don't really have anything to say that could take away your pain. I just wanted to know that you're not alone; I'm thinking about you tonight and sending you a big hug. Love, Kelly

[chrissy777]

Laurie,

You are not crazy. I did the some thing. I would expect him to call or think I could pick up the phone and reach him at the hospital. I actually almost made the 2 hour drive to pick him up because in my mind there was no way he could be dead. I saw him dead I have his ashes but it still doesnt true. ITs not fair. I dont know what I would do without my son either. I hope some day it gets easier for all of us. Take care and God bless

[Laurie]

Thank you Kelly and Chrissy, I know people do this somehow.. but I just don't know how they get through it. My guilt is worse than ever, instead of easing up. I constantly remember things I wish I hadn't said to him, and think about things I wish I would've said and did. My friends say there just wasn't enough time for me to forgive him and get our relationship back to the way it was, but that is no excuse for the way I treated him, the way I continued to punish him for his mistakes. How could I have been so cruel to someone I love so much? I hate myself for it. I wish I had another chance, even just one day. I'm sure all of us here would love that though. I feel like the most selfish person in the world. Laurie

[gabrielle_land]

Laurie,

I have had those same thoughts as you do, even knowing he had passed away a part of me isn't able to understand. I used to have this email address which I made just for Chris, when he passed away I would check it daily expecting to see some love words from him, and of course, the email had no new messages (I still keep it, never erased one of his letters). Kellymarie is right, it's insane for us to conceive something THIS painful, losing our loved ones.

I guess that part of us that tries so hard not to believe the truth is what makes the balance before we go crazy, little by little it will be understood, give yourself time, unfortunately there's no option than deal with all this unwanted feelings, but you're going to make it.Don't be so hard on yourself, I know what you mean by waning to turn back time and just erase times in which maybe things could have been better some other way, we would give anything for one more chance, but remember that above all those times, you had Sean's love and you had his. Above all you both loved each other and he knew it, and Im pretty sure he wouldnt like you to torture yourself like that. Remember your love was above any misunderstanding you both had.

[spunkye]

Dear Laurie,

I couldn't go to sleep last night thinking about all the things I SHOULD have done for Dick, all the loving things I SHOULD have said to him, all the touches and hugs and words of appreciation I SHOULD have shown...I know what you're talking about.

During my lifetime I've often heard it said that we don't appreciate what we have until we lose it - and it never meant much to me until these last 2-1/2 months...I can hardly believe how much I miss my husband and how often I took him for granted.

I still love him so much and I still miss him so much... and my heart still aches so muich...there are a few things that are beginning to make the pain a little more bearable - I'm not holed up in the house 7 days a week anymore, but the most healing and comforting thing I do is pray...talk to God...talk with God...and keep trying to remember I'm NOT alone and I am still loved, and there IS a purpose for my life...and Dick is out of pain and discomfort and sadness - he's so happy and feels so good right now...that's what I believe and it helps.

God bless you, Laurie...and I pray that your pain will ease.

Love, Benita

[Laurie]

Thank you Benita, I am trying so hard to have faith right now. I know how much that helps. It's so hard for me though, I think because I never thought I needed it before now. I never really put much thought into it. And, like I think Kay said, It's like trying to learn to swim when you're drowning. I want so badly to believe, and I pray to God and Sean to help me. A friend gave me a book called The Purpose Given Life, and I just finished it. I read it so closely, really trying to understand. But it's really hard for me to get it. Yes... We don't appreciate what we have, till it's gone. There's a song like that. I really took Sean for granted too, I feel so awful that I didn't fully appreciate him more. Tonight I looked through his CD collection, there are so many homemade ones. He wrote on some of them, his favorites and funny little comments. There are a few he made for me, titled Laurie's favorites, signed and dated by him. I can't listen to them yet, I don't think I can handle it. Bruce Springsteen's "The Rising" CD has so much meaning to me. It was released the same week we met and so many songs on there are just, Me and Sean. I can't listen to it. I'm going to keep praying every night, for Sean, and for all of us on here and your loved ones and our families. I don't know what else to do. Love, Laurie

[Laurie]

*Remember your love was above any misunderstanding you both had.

Gabby, Thank you so much for saying this. It helps. I know that even though we had so many problems, we were so in love. I have to try to stop thinking about all the fights and hurt... and try to think more about the good times, the fun we had, the closeness we shared. Love, Laurie

[gabrielle_land]

Laurie,

I'm glad my words were of some help, I try hard not to think about those times when we didn't understood each other with Christophe as I would have wanted, and even the times when we wouldn't speak for silly things. If one dwells on those things it can hurt really bad, but then I think about the inmense love I had for him and how much he loved me, and then those things become what they really are, just silly moments, meaningless silly moments that will never compare to the biggest love I could ever have, and still have within me. He knew perfectly that he would be no matter what my true love and I knew he felt the same. I'm sure you feel the same and that's what Sean would like you to remember, just the good times and teh love you both had.

take care, blessings,

Gaby

[can't tell]

My dear Laurie

Mama cooked for 6, plus the several who just happened to show up when dinner was ready.

During Christmas Break, Mama always cooked like crazy. Cookies, fudge, breads, candy, anything you could think of! I remember when I was in high school, I slept late during the break. When I woke up, I would walk into the kitchen and find my friends, Paul's friends, and a few of Eric's, although they were all in college. They would all have coffee and eat my mother's cooking. Even if the boys weren't home for Christmas, thier friends would show up and Mama would happily feed them while she was baking. It was not unusual to find 15 teenagers in our kitchen during Christmas. It was wonderful.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up. What do we all do without Mama? Who will cook? Make the coffee? Play the music?

What happens now?

Randa

[shell]

Randa,

How about all of you getting together (whoever is available) and trying to carry on your sweet moms traditions? It would be such a tribuite to her and I'll bet she would be looking on, getting a big kick out of it! I know how hard this time of year is for everyone. I guess all we can do is try to carry on.

Hugs,

Shell

[kayc]

My suggestion...print out those emails or make sure they are backed up so you can't lose them

As for the dinners coming up...have everyone make something and bring it...it may not be the same as it was when your mom did it, but she would have wanted the holiday get togethers to continue and with plenty of food...it doesn't matter if any of you can cook as well as her, what matters is that her hospitality continues, it sounds like she was known for that. I pray you have a good Thanksgiving even though she isn't able to be here to prepare it for you, it's what she would want.