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I'm not even sure why I'm writing or what to say. I just felt worse than ever when I woke up today. I can't stop thinking about all the bad stuff and what could have been. I don't feel like I can do this. No one's like Sean, no one's ever gonna love me like he did. I can't believe I didn't appreciate all his wonderful qualities, and only concentrated on the bad. Just like refusing to put my ring back on. Would that have hurt me? no, but it would have made him so happy. I had turned into an angry bitter mean person and I hate myself for that. Why didn't I realize this before it was too late? I held in my crying all morning until all my kids left for school. But now I am losing it. I was going to call out sick and just crawl back to bed and listen to our CD's, but I'm gonna force myself to go in. I feel so selfish, here Kay wants a job so bad, and I don't even appreciate mine. And here's Chrissy taking care of a newborn baby, while grieving and everyone else here who all have their pain in different ways. What is wrong with me? I feel like a horrible person. My emotions are going so crazy out of control right now, I don't know how to do this. I'm sorry everyone, you've all been so sweet and helpful with me and I probably just make it worse by writing this stuff. I'm sorry Love, Laurie

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Laurie,

You could never make any our days worse by posting what you are thinking or feeling. It is just your way of grieving. The only way you can get better is by posting your true feeling and thought otherwise you will just stuff it all in and it will be worse later. I will be praying for you, I wish I could make it all better for you. Just keep coming here and letting us know what is going on. May God bless you

Derek

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Laurie,

We all make mistakes - I made a ton of them when I was taking care of Jack - but I also did many many wonderful things during that same time period. I know Jack forgave me for my shortcomings and I am sure that Sean forgave you as well. Its this self forgivness that is so hard for us to extend to ourselves that seems to be the biggest problem. The book my Marth Hickman "Healing After Loss" is truely a remarkable daily form of inspiration - and there are a number of days when she speaks of forgivness. The bottom line is Sean loved you and you loved him - AND none of us are perfect - we're just working on that a little at a time. Be easy on yourself - your a good person. Keep sending in those posts - everyone is here for you.

John - Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

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Laurie,

Please don't be so hard on yourself, you're a sweet person! You may have made mistakes...so did he! We ALL do! He would want you to let that go and remember what you had not what was wrong. I have to do that with George too. And sure I want a job...mostly cuz I need the paycheck so bad...but that doesn't mean I feel like going to work every day...who does? We all have our bad days. When you get home from work try to take a bubble bath or go for a walk or eat chocolate or buy something frivilous or drink a good cup of coffee or SOMETHING just for you! We love you and care about you and want to hear what you have to say...even when you're feeling down in the dumps...besides, it helps us know we're normal when we feel like that!

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Laurie

don't ever feel bad about posting , this place has helped me so much. keep writing it really does help. we all are going through this so we understand. i know the guilt trip we can put overselves on, it is the worst. i know i do it. be patient with yourself and pls keep coming back we all are here for you. i am here if you for you. lori

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Laurie,

You are doing nothing wrong, you are going through another one of "stages" of grieving. It's great that you came on here and let your feelings out, I have learned it helps me. I am on here everyday. Sometimes I don't write, just to come on here and see what everyone is saying helps me, I know that I am not alone. I have definitely vented my anger here.

Stay Strong and know that we are all here for you! :D

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Thank you everyone, Today was so long. After work the kids had football and then boy scouts for my little guy. I just got home. Thank God you are all here, honestly I thank God every night for all of you on this site and ask him to help us through this, and to take good care of our loved ones for us. I felt like a ticking time bomb all day, like I could explode at any second. My friends at work are really getting worried about me because I only speak when I really have to and I have lost so much weight. A friend I haven't seen in a while is a psychiatrist. I called and left a message for her, I need to talk to her. I think I really need some help, maybe an anti-depressant. I just keep remembering more and more stuff, things that happened throughout our whole relationship. I can't believe how much is in my brain. I wish I could block out all the bad and only remember the happy times. Dusky, Thanks for reminding me of the bottom line--- I loved him and he loved me. Kay, I had my share of chocolate cake at the boy scout meeting! Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, I have the day off and I have a ton of cleaning to do. Dog hair and laundry has taken over my house! Thanks and Love ya all, Laurie

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Laurie,

I'm so sorry you've been having a bad time remembering painful things... know it can be sometimes hard to avoid things that keep on coming to our heads that we feel like we should have changed them, or we should have done them in some other way, or say other things instead of what we said, but we cant change that unfortunately, but on the other hand we should cherish those beautiful times that we had with our loved ones, what made us fall in love with them and viceversa. I'm sure Sean has forgiven you everything, please don't be so hard on yourself. I think it is a good idea you visit your friend, maybe she can give you some professional help if you feel you need it.

Take good care of yourself ok, send you a big hug,

Gaby

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