I Don't Know How To Do This?

[Chrystal]

Hello everyone,

I have written in the past about my dad who past away on October 8th. I really don't feel like I can make it through this. Somedays I feel ok, when i keep myself busy it's alright. But then as soon as I have a moment to think I remember my dad is gone, and it hits me like a ton of bricks. I'm embarrased to cry in front of other people now for some reason. I popped by my moms house on my way home today and she mentioned that my dad's good friend just found out about my dad passing and called her today. I left right away 'cause i knew i was going to cry, on my drive home I had to pull over on the highway cause i almost passed out. I was dizzy felt like I was going to have a heart attack. All I know is this is worse than I ever could have imagined it would be and I don't know how to get through it, I dont even want to get through it, I just want my dad back.

Needed to vent, thanks for listening

Chrystal

[Laurie]

Chrystal, I'm so sorry about your Dad. October 8th.. my fiancee passed away the same day. It hasn't even been 6 weeks yet and it's hard to imagine these 3 mo, 6 mo, 1 yr. marks we read about. It does seem impossible and I agree with you that this is so much worse than could be imagined. I pray every night and I "talk" to Sean too. Have you tried "talking" to your Dad? Maybe telling him your feelings will help a little. Take care, Laurie

[shell]

Chrystal,

My dad passed away a year and nine months ago and I still have moments where it hits me that he's gone. You'd think it wouldn't be so hard by now, but I'm afraid it lasts a long time, although it will get better, in the sense that you won't think about it quite as often or as much. Life's daily grind keeps your mind occupied and as time goes by, you'll deal with more of that and the bad memories will fade. It has been such a short time since your dad passed. What you are feeling is normal. I know how much it hurts, but hang in there. Lauries suggestion that you talk to your dad is a good one. I do it all the time and it helps.

Hugs,

Shell

[jkw]

Chrystal:

My daughter told me a few months ago, to write my Mom a letter, on the computer, so I could save it. She told me to tell her everything I was feeling...like how mad I was that she died, and I don't know how to get along without her, and even tell her about the good times that I miss. I wrote the letter, and have never looked at it again. But it made me feel better, like somehow, I was really able to tell Mom what I was feeling, and how I felt about her dying, and that she was actually listening to me. It did me alot of good, and you might want to try it. Do it when no one is around to read over your shoulder, so you can be totally honest in the letter. Let me know how that works for you.

Shell: How are you doing? How are things with your Mom? I haven't posted for a while, so I have lost touch with everyone, and I'm sorry about that!

Take care, and keep me posted on your progress and your mom's too.

Sincerely,

Kim

[shell]

Hi Kim,

Glad you're back! I'm ok. My mom is good some days and not so on others, but that's the way it goes. I'm trying so hard to adjust to the changes in her and not let it tear me apart. I still keep hoping for some "miracle" and that she'll be her old self again...guess I'm just fooling myself, but you have to keep some hope alive! She goes to the doctor again in December, so maybe she'll have some suggestions. I've been reading about dementia and researching everything I can! If anyone has any suggestions or experience to share, I would greatly appreciate it! Thanks so much for asking, Kim. Hope all is well with you.

Hugs, Shell

[MartyT]

Shell, you said, "I've been reading about dementia and researching everything I can! If anyone has any suggestions or experience to share, I would greatly appreciate it!"

Yours is not an easy task, and you deserve all the help you can find. Please be sure to check out some of the excellent sites I've listed on the Care Giving page of my Grief Healing Web site.

And know that you are always in our thoughts and prayers

[lorikelly]

Shell

I am sorry to hear about your mom. i know that it is so hard to watch your mom decline mentally or physically. Pls know that i am praying for you and i am here for you if you need me. Wish i was closer to help you. ( i am in NJ). love and friendship lori

[shell]

Marty,

Thanks. I will check out the sites!

Lori,

I wish we lived closer too! It's such a shame that we have the greatest support group in the world (I think!) and none of seems to live near each other!

Hugs,

Shell

[AnnetteAZ]

I have had some experience living with a loved one who was experiencing dementia. Every situation is different but in our case there were days when he was his real self and it seemed like it wasn't so bad and maybe he might even get better. But in the long run he just kept getting worse and harder for people to be around. I had terrible times when I thought I couldn't do it any more and wanted to leave forever. But even old crotchety mean people need to be hugged and loved every day. For me, it was that thought and the fact that every once in a while I had him back for a moment. If you are the primary caregiver and she lives with you, you need all the help and support you can get. I was fortunate in that his children offered me plenty of relief and help. If you don't have that kind of support I would highly suggest looking into some community resources. The experience can drain the life out of you without help. I learned more patience than I ever knew existed in a person. Good luck to you, I wish I could help you.

[shell]

AnnetteAZ,

Thank you for replying. I, too, have learned to be more patient than I ever thought possible, but I feel so guilty because sometimes I get irritated and then I say something in a more irritated voice than I should! I think I'm having such a hard time, too, because my Dad died (plus 5 other very important people in our lives in a very short time) and I have been dealing with those losses and then the surprise and dismay of my Mom seeming to get this dementia from the moment my Dad died. Seemed like she was ok before that, but has not been at all the same since. It was a shock that she took this particular turn and it just blew me away. I'm so tired. I just miss my "old" mom so much. But thanks for your suggestions and advice. I am her primary caregiver and live with her. I'm sure in the future I will need additional help and will start checking out sources for that now. Thanks again....any bit of advice helps!

Hugs,

Shell

[Haley]

Life gives only tasks that we can handle so hang in there shell you are a strong person adn you are doing the best for your mom. I have had to witness something very hard for me to sit back and not say anything let me explain. I work in a construction company I run the office and the owner (Rudy) has a big family and his brother (Richard) lived right next door to him for years I mean years and they did everything together and then all of a sudden they had a fallen out and Richard moved across the street really and got married to a women that he had been with for years and has a child with well he found out that he had brain cancer some time ago and he kept going to the doctors and they even did surgery and they got most of it but not all of it and than come 11/17/2006 he had to have hospice come in and take care of him he was bad and than comes 11/20/06 and he passed away in the mean time the family is working and having a blast like nothing is happing and all I mean it and when Monday cam and he passed they went to work the very next day like nothing even happened and all even Richards son went to work the very next day I mean he passed monday night and they went to work Tuesday HOW really HOW can they do that man I was and still am a mess and they act as if nothing is wrong all of them the hole big family and htey had the funeral right after thanksgiving and Richards wife is already with someone else but to make matters worse its with Richards nephew and she told me that she thought Richard would want her to go on with her life and I mean that quick like 3 days after he left she was with him and I mean in every way like all ways man I am so upset about how people act I know what some people say but come on not even less than 72 hours thats nuts really and she keeps on asking me questions and I can not answer her I just say do what you feel you need to do. So I guess my thing to this is how can people just get up and go are thet heart less and cold or what

I talk (type) to you all as much as I can and we all are together with helping and they are over here like nothing happened and it really makes me mad at them.

There is no time frame of when the pain starts and stops I see that and I am going thru that my self and my pain is strong after months and months and at times it gets worse or better it depends. I also have tried talking to my MOM all the time I had stopped I got mad at her for not answering me and its hard to keep going when you get no answer. I have talked to people that say they see signs that the one they love is talking to them some how some way but I have yet to see that I try and maybe thats the thing I try to hard. I have gone to a councler and he made me feel like I was bothering him no thanks I want to be able to get answers and I got nothing. I have learned not to ask the WHY question I try I still ask a few times but hey I am learning This is a learning lesson for us all and I am glad that I have this site thanks form the bottom of my heart I really thank you all

Thanks

Haley

[shell]

Haley,

That is incredible, that ALL of his family is acting that way! Wow, people just don't make sense sometimes. It is so hard to understand. But you're wise to stay out of it, even though I'm sure you want to scream at them! I've known a lot of people who more or less did the same...acted like nothing happened and they didn't care. I don't understand them.

As far as signs from our loved ones, I think (especially with all the "talking to the dead" programs out there nowadays) we all think we should get signs and then get disappointed when we don't. I have had some experiences that would fall into that category, but never when I was waiting for one. They just came out of the blue. So just give up for now and probably you will get your sign someday, but maybe not for awhile and not when you're looking!

Sorry your experience with the councelor went so badly. Unfortunately, there are some bad ones out there and they can sour you on the whole thing. Maybe you could look for another one, maybe a woman. I just think women, in general, are easier to talk to about emotional things. We just think and feel differently about emotions than men do! Sorry guys, but I've found most men try to avoid emotional distress. And even though someone is a counselor or psychiatrist, they're still a man, ya know? So for a woman, I would think another woman would be easier to talk to, but that's just my opinion!

Hang in there,

Hugs,

Shell

[jc1030]

Chrystal,

I'm going through the same thing right now. My dad died on October 30th, and I have moments where I'm occupied, and then the thought hits me and tears start to run down my face. Whenever I visit my mom, I sometimes expect that my dad would be in his study room reading the paper and he would smile when he see me, and then I realize that will never happen again. I cry when I see anything that belonged to him. It's still upsetting because of how quickly it happened.

Many have told me that the grieving process will take time, and there is no timetable for someone to grieve. As each day passes I will probably get better, but there's nothing wrong with having an outburst at the most unexpected times.

Jeff

[Chrystal]

Hi Jeff,

thanks so much for your kind words. I am so sorry for your loss.

It has been a while since I have read the posts. It has been just over 2 months since my dad passed, he also had a stroke, it was a complication from a virus he had. He was 51 years old, and his death was very unexpected. I really can't believe he is gone, it is just so sad. I miss him so much and would give anything to be able to go to his house and have him answer the door. I too cry when i see anything that belongs to him, I have a christmas present that I had bought early sitting in my drawer at home, I have covered it with clothes, it's too upsetting to see it sitting there. I worry about feeling better because I don't want to ever forget my dad, not that I would forget him, but I want to be able to remember his voice, his laugh, all those sorts of things.

Take care Chrystal