Harder As The Holiday Approaches

[shubom]

Hello, it's been a very long time since I posted. My mother died in Jan of this year, and it's been extremely difficult. I thought I'd be able to handle the holidays, but I was wrong. All I can remember is this time last year, my mom was here. Reruns of the event play over and over again in my mind. I remember our family praying for us to be together another year. And look what's happened.

I try to brush it off like nothing. But my friends keep callng me inviting me over for dinner. This brings the reality of the situation alive again ! IT makes me REALIZE I have no where to go for the holidays.

I came home today looking for plastic cups. I went through the cupboards complaining to myself that my mom always made sure we were stocked. Then it hit me like a rock, WHY am I complaining as if she is here and can fix it !

I guess I just want to see her stuff that she bought for us in the cabinets. Maybe deep down I hope she'll come back ! It's horrible.

I don't think I can do this. For the past 2 years, our home has been a safe haven for many of our friends through the holidays, because they had no where to go and because we lost our father and had to organize a new tradition without him. We were finally able to get things right, and now my mom is gone. Everything IS ALL WRONG !!!

Please, some advise on how to get through this horrible horrible time. I would like to hear others stories.

[Trudy1964]

Seems like loosing them in Jan. or July doesn't make a difference. I am very sorry for your loss. I am just taking it one day at a time. That's all I can do. I am trying to look at it as Thursday is just Thursday. That's the only way I can cope. We are going to my in-laws for lunch. Then my family will be coming to my house for supper. We will be having a weinner roast. Not your traditional holiday meal. But that's the best I could handle for this year. I can't sit around the holiday table without my Mom. I'm not sure what Christmas will bring. One day at a time. I will keep you and everyone else who posts at this site in my prayers. It helps knowing we are not alone.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[shell]

Shubom,

I'm so glad you posted again. In fact Paul S. and I were just talking about you the other day and wondering how you were doing! The holidays are a bitch...excuse my language, but it just seems the only word that fits! Trudy is right about one day at a time. It's all we can do. Remember, the holidays will eventually be over! It may seem like forever, but they will go away! Then we can all try to get back to "normal", even though that's rough too. Just hang in there and know there are people thinking of you and pulling for you!

Hugs to you,

Shell

[lorikelly]

It will be hard. i am just going to do the best that i can. we are going to friends and i will try my best. i am starting to feel down today but i hope and pray that i can make it through. you all will be in my thoughts and prayers. lori

[Trudy1964]

Shell,

Thanks for reminding me that the holidays WILL eventually be over. It feels like they are going to last forever. I'm so caught up in trying to make it through them that I had forgotten they will end. Thanks. Prayers to everyone.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[jc1030]

Shubom,

I'm new to these boards, but reading what you wrote I am feeling the same exact things right now. My father died at the end of October, and so far it's been difficult to go through Thanksgiving, and I'm sure Christmas will be rough. Although my dad was not an active participant in these events the last few years of his life, at least I knew he was there. Now that he's gone from this physical world, it's hard.

Jeff

[lorikelly]

It is getting hard for me also. we put up our tree yestersday. we did smaller version then our big one so i didn't take as many ornaments. the boy decorated it last night and i had a good cry. i had some awful dreams last night which didn't help my sleep. i am just taking one day at a time sometimes one minute. i can't wait for the nice weather to come so i can sit outside again. but then it will be Easter and my moms birthday and then mothers day. oh when will it get better. i keep praying. thanks for always listening. lori

[Paul S]

One way of coping with the holidays is to not celebrate, if you always took the secular approach to them. In that way you would be distancing yourself or disconnecting from the things that serve as triggers for sadness and depression.

If you are Christian, then maybe celebrating them in a way that honors and is true to the religious and spiritual meaning and intention. That may also serve to distance yourself and disconnect from triggers.

Tough, yes, BOY DO I KNOW THAT, but possible.

P.S. Hiya shubom! Missed you! Glad you've posted again! Shell and I were just talking about you a little while ago and wondered how you were doing! :-)

Edited December 11, 2006 by Paul S

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

As Christmas fast approaches I too have had the thought of not celebrating but I do remember how much my mom loved the Christmas season.. I feel so sad when this part of the year comes because I have had so many good memories but also so many very bad ones too. My grandmother became really sick and could have died one past Christmas, The very next one my uncle was diagnosed with cancer and was not expected to live very long. Two Christmas's later our dog died and my two year old second cousin Adam died as well... So you all see what I mean... Now it is celebratining with out two of the most important people in my life... I will say a prayer for all of you if you can do the same for me.... Take care Shelley

[MeeMee]

Dear shubom

Hi, this is my first time posting on this site. Found it searching for forums such as this I guess. I was just browsing and read your post. I lost my Dad to cancer. He too passed in January last year. I have been keeping my feathers thick getting through things better and better as time goes by. Until the holidays come. I feel it crumbling inside but refuse to accept as I finally started to function "normally" with out him. Barely got through Thanksgiving and here comes Christmas. The hardest part seems to be that right after getting over this mountain - the anniversary will be only a week later. It's like you fall and suddenly catch a hold of a branch and save yourself. Just as you breathe a sigh of relief it cracks, then breaks. I try all sorts of things to cope. Tons of advice from friends. I have to credit most of my strength to my family. My son and daughter who remind me of life without death every day. And my husband who is here now and needs me to be as well. But sometimes that's not enough to keep the tears from pouring down my face. I have found myself repeating small parts of the different emotions I went through when it was hardest for me. Right now, I am angry again. Screaming "It's not fair!" in my head loud enough for my heart to hear. I think to myself that this is my Dad! I can't live my life without my Dad! How does life continue without someone so golden? How? Who is going to answer that? Even though I know nobdy can, I keep asking. Looking back, wishing I had done something - everything different. To change the outcome some how. All of this I barely got myself through. A scary deppressive period that I can't believe I lived through. It was mostly determination to function - to continue life for my family's sake. Not the healthiest of ways I know that. But it's the band-aid for now.

I wish I had advice for you. Something different that nobody's thought of cus you think that's the thing that will work. But what I do know, that has made a difference to me, is people coming to you knowing what you feel. Sharing what they've experience. Helping you feel not so strange anymore. Not so isolated from the rest of the "normal world". And if they can't relate - just to have them listen. To let you cry your eyes out and patiently give you their arms around you while you tremble. Or their ears while you blabber on about all sorts of things from your memories of them to how ticked you are at yourself for something you forgot or was clumsy about. Relating and listening. If you can find that, it won't make it all go away, but it will help you through.

So, it is a very good thing you came back to this forum. People obviously care about you. They worry about you and are happy to hear from you, even if you are sad. These people are what you need.

Best wishes to you getting throug these holidays and the upcoming annversary. I am not sure if I will continue to post here - I actually wasn't planning to just yet but your story touched me and I felt you knew exactly how rough it's been for me too. Not a good way to end the year or start the year. But we'll get through. They are looking over us to be sure of that.

Andrea

Edited December 13, 2006 by MeeMee

[STARKISS]

Hi Shubom,

I am so sorry for your loss, I too find as this holiday season fast approaches that I am also remembering things about other Christmas's like when my mom was bedridden and when we all made a special gift for her and spent the whole day in the hospital with her and trying to make it special... As this Christmas approaches I find myself daydreaming of Christmas's past and wish I could go back in time to spend another great Christmas with her and my dad... But as you know we can not go backwards.... Take care Shelley

Edited December 15, 2006 by STARKISS

[dpodesta]

I have heard through my grief support group one way to help get through this season is to do something different whatever that might be. One thing they had us do last night is to write a letter to our children. I was difficult for me to do, however, I am thinking of starting that as a new tradition for me. I will give him the letter I wrote on Christmas morning. Another thing that we will be doing is buying a toy for a boy and girl and giving it to Toys for Tots. The local Mariens (Sorry about the spelling) will be at the malls collecting toys. Everyone on this site have been in my thoughts and prayers, I know if will be difficult for each of us, but together we can get through this and we will make it.

God bless all of you

Derek

[STARKISS]

Hi Derek,

I wanted to thank you for your reply to this post, You always seem to know what to say to brighten everyones day just a little... Take care and God Bless You and with the support from everyone here I know I will make it this this part of the season Shelley