Mom Passed, Severe Guilt......

[michael]

hey all-

i'm new to this forum.

the story is long, but here is a condensed version....

mom and i were very close. i had moved out of state 8 years ago, but still came home every xmas.

in sept of last year, we got news that mom had stage iv occular melanoma.

i sold my house, closed up my buisness, and moved back home to caretake her.

i have been using herbal and holistic treatments for various conditions for years, on myself and others, with great sucess.

the doctors offered the usual approaches, but we weren't satisfied. mom was convinced that i was going to be able to, if not heal her, at least manage the cancer.

for the next 9 months, we tried everything under the sun. we also traveled to hawaii, to the mountains, wherever she wanted to go, whatever she wanted to do, it was done.....

then it got to the point where she was having strokes a few times a day. she was severely brain damaged after the 1st stroke, and it only got worse. eventually, she was at the point of lying in her bed, staring blankly at the tv. i was left with a good supply of drugs to keep her as comfortable as possible, but she really didn't want to take them often (objecting by head movements, as she had lost he ability to speak).

i have some rather unusual ideas about life and death as a result of following a non-mainstream "religion". i know that death is just part of the circle of life, and that there is nothing wrong with it. i look upon it almost as a "graduation" from the school of life, and a completion of lessons learned while in this world. in short, i am usually very ok with the idea of death.

the last day, it was obvious that it was almost over. a few people from hospice were over that morning, and at one point, after she had begun the "death rattle", i was told that it looked like it would be less than 48 hrs.

i sat by her side the whole time, and all she could do was grip my hand, and look up at me with the most terrified look i had ever seen on a human's face.

now here's where it gets really screwy...

i had been shot in the chest at age 17. i have an intimate knowledge of the sensation of having fluid build up and limit breathing. it was the (2nd, behind this) most frightening moment of my life. i didn't want my mother to experience such a thing, so i decided to help her sleep.

a long story short, i gave her too much ativan, morphine, and valium, as a cocktail. i know that she was already "dead", but i can't get past the idea that i killed her, and all i see is her face at that moment, over and over again. i can't go into a home depot without hearing xmas music, and bursting into tears. i can't go to any of the places we used to go to without seeing that terrified face and loosing it. i am still in the same house, and every morning when i come downstairs, i lose it because there is no sick mama for me to make breakfast for anymore. i am breaking into cold sweats on my forehead and the back of my neck often, i throw up almost every morning, often more frequently. i keep seeing her face in that terrified state (and also during her 1st stroke, which lasted 5 min and during which all i could do was hold her and stroke her brow.....i felt so helpless...), and i keep thinking to myself that i am the lowest form of life on the planet. she trusted me to heal her, and i ended up letting her down in the worst way possible. i am losing it right now as i type this....

a friend (iraq war vet)has told me that he has seen these syptoms before, and that what i am experiencing is post traumatic stress disorder. i think it's a very, very guilty conscience. i feel like i robbed her of the last lesson, which is "how to leave it all behind and move foward".

i don't even know what i expect to achieve by posting this, but i am getting to the end of my rope with this thing, and i wish desperately to make these feelings stop.

anybody have any insight on how i can move foward, and ditch my "angel of death/worlds must screwed up son" complex?

i look foward to, and appreciate all replies.

thank you-

michael

[Sandra-T]

Michael, My Mom died December first. I relate to much of your story. I'm sorry you had such a rough time, and please, if you can find it in your heart to realize this, you have nothing to be guilty for. You sound like the most amazing son. I know that no one will care so much for me as you did for your Mom, when I am sick and dying. I too believe in holistic and alternative therapies, we were not wealthy enough for me to really try some serious things, but I did get some herbal treatments, and such, which did not, sadly help. She had already refused all regular treatment anyway, so nothing lost by trying. It seems as though your Mom had time to see some sights that meant a lot to her, and that you helped her do that. Be proud of yourself. On the other hand, I know what you mean, I wish Christmas would go away and leave me alone this year, and maybe forever. It will be too sad a time. I have guilt too, and I think everyone does, though I can't see any way you should have it for yourself. I know I could have spent more time with my Mom after diagnosis, but have Lupus myself, and never feel well. As soon as she started feeling really ill, however, I made sure she was never alone. It took a very sudden turn for us, from diagnosis to the end, 7 weeks. Its horrible and shocking, and I agree the worst thing I have ever been through, seeing our Moms die. I hope I am allowed to die before I ever see someone I love again in that condition. I just lost my Gram 4 years ago, so we expected Mom to have many more years, but was not to be, I guess. Its hard to accept. I too have spiritual beliefs slightly off the mainstream, and I do believe there is another side to death, and that they live in a happier place where they thrive, and no longer feel the awfulness that we do. To them the trauma is over. I also believe if you did give your Mom too much meds, its ok. She needed to be without pain, and you helped that happen, and you should be happy with yourself for it. I am so grateful to hospice, who we never even called in, until about 3 days before death,as things changed so suddenly, we just were unprepared.

Please take care, and write to astareae@metrocast.net if you feel the need to talk to someone.

Sandra

[michael]

hey sandra-

thank you.

lupus?

have you tried sweetleaf (wild bergamot)? i knew a very effective medicine man who recommended the same thing to somebody with lupus, and it seemed to work fairly well at keeping the symptoms at bay....

yes, xmas is pretty sucky this year. i know it will get better, i just don't know when.....

i think that the guilt i'm experiencing comes from a sensation of betrayal. she trusted me to heal, and i feel as tho i did exactly the opposite.

something i forgot to add, which complicates my feelings.....

i had never met my bio father. he was abusive and mom left him b4 i was born.

well, as part of tying up the loose ends, i felt that after 38 years it was time to confront him about how he treated my mother. i felt he just had to know how he made her feel.... my mom's brother worked with him at some point, and said he's put me in touch.

my uncle informed me, a week after mom's death, that my father had died 7 years ago. now here's the part that's getting to me....

he died of a brain disease that is most likely hereditary. he, his dad, and his brother all died b4 age 55. it is called olivopontocerebellar atrophy (opca), and sets in around the 30s and 40s. the end is all about wheelchairs, loss of motor/speech/memory, and, in my dad's case, heart failure.

not a pleasant way to go.

i guess i have a 50% chance of having it.

there is a small voice inside my head that tells me that this is the karmic repercussion of what i did to my mother.

i'm not afraid of it (altho i in no way look foward to it), but i am interpreting it as confirmation that the universe disapproves of my actions, and intends to punish me for them.

i don't think this is helping my situation any, and my girlfriend tells me that i'm just making myself crazy.

to be honest, i don't know if i'm looking for answers by posting all of this, or if i'm just venting.

it's all so very confusing......

[lorikelly]

Michael

I am sorry about your mom. i lost mine in july and i to have alot of guilt. i feel guilty that i didn't spend enough time talking, that i was short with her, angry at her for dying and it goes on. it was consuming me and eating me up inside, some days it still is really bad. i am catholic and have a very strong faith, i believe that we live on past this world. every day i pray for the strenght to get through. my mom was completely bedridden for 18 mos and i did everything for her, i was so exhausted physically, mentall and emotionally. i would give anything to feel that way again b/c then i would have mom. i understand.

I think you did a great job and your mom loved you so much. she must of been a great woman to raise a son who loved her so much. the guilt takes time and you have to work through it. i read alot and pray. the sick feeling is normal. i woke up every morning for the first 8 weeks nausea and had diar. it was awful. i still suffer from anxiety attacks and take something as needed for that. i am now suffering from insomnia and this makes me feel awful. this all takes times. Grief is a long journey and this time of yr makes it so much worse. Give yourself the time that is needed , it will be a long roller coaster with lots of hills. lori

[Sandra-T]

MIchael, I don't think you did anything bad to your Mom, there should not be any karmic repercussions. You were awesome, from what you said, taking her places, devotedly caring for her. Nothing more can be asked. If your alternative therapies did not work, its because it was pre written somehow that she was to live this disease and to go away from this world as a result of it. Nothing you did caused that. Please, I hate to hear you have that guilt. I have my own, as I said, but its sure not anything you need to haunt you..What an awful thing to hear about your Dad. I was also not close with my Dad, who had abandoned my Mom before I was born also. He died 2 years ago. I was sad but not like this. I'm sorry that you heard he had that medical condition, that must be frightening for you to hear, on top of everything else. Listen to your girlfriend, she is right, you are making yourself feel bad when all you did was good. Take care of yourself. And thanks for the advice on the lupus.

Sandra

[KittyLove]

HI Micheal--You write so well, I could feel everything you were mentioning that you are going through. I am so sorry for your loss.

Here were some thoughts that were going through my head as I read your post--You moved and closed down your business to take care of her. What a Saint you are! Do you realize how many people dont/wont make that kind of effort for their mothers? It sounds like you did so much for her. I can only imagine that you were doing the best you could for her & she obviously trusted you.

Your intentions to help your mother were so preciously sweet. I will be sending you good thoughts.

BTW--my gpa died this last July, that is why I am here. He begged for more morphine so he could pass easily and that is just what ended up happening. I dont know if it makes you feel better, but I just think the drugs made it easier for him. I find great peace in that.

[michael]

thanx to both of you.

lorikelly-

i understand where you are coming from. i was also short with my mom as well, if she refused to eat, or follow the treatments that we had agreed to try....it was beyond frustrating. i also felt bad, however, that she was short with me. "damnit michael, i told you i wasn't hungry!" or "i don't want to drink that, it tastes awful!". i think now, however, that none of that matters. i believe that when one passes over, they have access to knowledge that we can't even imagine. i also believe that they not only know our thoughts, but our feelings as well, and that some of the things that we feel guilty for are actually fully understood and not really that big of a deal to the new spirit form, actually.

the funny thing is, that is the answer to my own problem. making myself believe it, however, is another story.

i also have an easy time telling people why they shouldn't smoke, but put away 2 pks a day myself. go figure.....

sandra-

if our stories get any more similar, i might begin to wonder how alternate reality selves can type on the same forum......

as i said above, i think that i know in my heart that it's all well, but it's my brain that gets in the way. one of the probs with being aquarian (merc in aquarius as well..), is that our minds won't stop thinking, and are always trying to out-logic our emotions.

besides, the dad thing really throws gas on the fire that is my imagination..

a whole lot of input, at a time when i need less.....

again, i'm sure it will get better, i'm just becoming very impatient.

[michael]

hey kitty-

thank you.

i'm sorry for your loss.

my gma actually died 27 mo b4 my mom, in the same exact spot, oddly enough.

same cause, as well.

my mother had taken my gma in to take care of her for the last 18 mo.

honestly, i figured that my mother deserved no less...especially after doing the same for her mom.

anyway, my gma was the same as your gpa.

more morphine.....

they both as passed peacefully possible, in their own living room, with their children beside them.

i know that what i did made my mom's passing as smooth as it could be, i just have that burning, nagging guilt about it.

i wish it would just stop, already.

it's annoying.

[Trudy1964]

Hi Michael,

First, I am so sorry for the loss of you Mom. I lost my Mom in July after only 3 weeks of knowing she had the dreaded disease of cancer. Your Mother was very lucky to have you. You did everything you could for her. You were so brave in everything you did. We had hospice come in the last 2 days of Mom's life. I was the appointed nurse (I'm not sure how I got that job). I would ask the hospice nurse over and over again "Are we giving her too much medicine?" She kept telling me that we were making here comfortable and doing what we needed to do for her. Those are images that I will carry in my head for a long, long time. Our only grace was that she was not in any pain. That was God's grace. If she had been, I think I would have taken your avenue. I DO NOT think I could have watched her suffer like that. Loosing her is bad enough. Watching her suffer would have been worse.

As for as Christmas, it took me two weeks to buy a 4 foot tree. Time will tell if we put it up or not.

God bless you Micheal. You have many friends here who are going through the same thing. I don't post often. I mostly just read. That helps me a lot.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[Laurie]

Michael, I'm so sorry for your loss. We all seem to have some sort of guilt here. You did what you did out of love. I have a lot of guilt and regrets after losing my fiancee, but I try to remember that what really matters is that we loved eachother very much. I know what you mean about feeling like there is just too much in your head to cope with. It all just feels like it's spinning around so fast you can't keep up. I was also getting sick every day and having panic/anxiety attacks, crying constantly. The only thing that helped me was Wellbutrin and Zanax. I am doing so much better after only being on them for a week. I don't know how you feel about meds like that, but maybe it could help you. Just remember you dropped everything to care for your Mom, and you did what you did out of love. Laurie

[shell]

Michael,

I will echo what everyone else here has said. Don't feel guilty. When I knew my dad was very close to dying I gave him some extra morphine too, because I wanted to be sure he wasn't suffering and I knew his time was up. At that point, it doesn't matter, and we at least know they are not feeling any pain. I'm so sorry for your loss and the information about your father. Try not to worry about the disease your dad (and the others) had...you may never get it. Have you talked to a doctor about it? I know it's an extra worry that you certainly don't need now! Please, please realize what a grest job you did with your mom and let go of your guilt. If there were only more like you out there, the world would be a better place.

Hugs,

Shell

[michael]

firstly, thanks to all for the replies. as i've said, i know in my heart it was thr right thing, it's the brain that's not cooperating. i'm hoping that it is just a matter of time...

trudy-i'm sorry for your loss as well. it seems like july was a bad month for a lot of us. strange...

my mom didn't want to get hospice involved, as she said that once they were involved, no one would fight for her anymore. after her 1st (and most severe) stroke, i made the call. within 24hrs, she went from sofa to hospital bed (yet still in her own living room), and found out she was much happier. hospice made the situation so much easier to deal with, i don't think there are words to express my gratitude.

xmas is tough, but my sis is the only one with kids, so we will have it at her house. luckily, i won't have to go out and buy a tree....

laurie-i'm very sorry for your loss.

yes, the things spinning around in my head get to be a bit tough. because i am so into the herbal approach to things (stemming from a deeply rooted aversion to pills), that is what i'm doing to manage my mood.

valerian, skullcap, chamomile, etc are all pretty good as far as calmatives go. also, in my state (california), there is a law on the books that makes a certain herb legal for medical use. it was used by mom throughout the last few months, and i find that it does help my mood considerably. the only prob is, i don't really believe that it's ok for me to take/use anything until after 7pm (i like to be 100% "there" in case work or other responsibilities pop up).

in addition, it seems that one of the hardest things to deal with is going to the local home depot (almost daily trips are necessary in my line of work) and hearing all those xmas songs they play on muzak.

for a minute, i could almost agree with all those people who want to force stores to take down xmas decorations....

shell-thank you, and i'm sorry for you loss.

i know that it's commonly done, and logic tells me that it was the right thing to do, it just feels kinda wrong. i think that a part of the problem is the fact that i have a very diverse group of friends, some of which are orthodox. according to them, every minute of life is a gift (no matter how agonizing that life is), and it is not to be taken by any but the master. some of those people completely disagree with what i did, and make no bones about telling me so. i've stopped talking to most of them now, at least until i get a bit further past all of this.

as far as my dad's disease, i got a copy of the d.c., and contacted his last doctor. i was told that i should look up his wife (which i've tried, with no luck), as she is the only person that he can give the med records to. he said there was quite a bit of info in there and he thought i really should know about it (sounds ominous). he also told me that they didn't know exactly what type of ataxia he had, and there are a whole bunch of different ones, which means a whole bunch of different tests, and that my insurance would only cover the testing once it became a medical necessity (i start showing symptoms).

basically, wait and see what happens.

i know i should live every day to the fullest anyway, and that seems to be the only course of action to take right now, but that nagging fear is still in there......

it does, however, make me feel a lot better about my not having children. i can't imagine throwing worries about passing it on into the mix.....

a huge thank you to everyone, by the way. i'm not sure if this board had anything to do with it, but last night was the 1st time i've gone to sleep before 4:30am in a long, long time.

it was nice.

[Maylissa]

Michael,

I'm so sorry about your mom and how much you're suffering now. Many of us understand how guilt can consume us, no matter HOW logical our stories sound on the surface. Many of us who have had fur-babies ('pets') have much insight into the whole question of euthanasia...AND the intense guilt it can, and usually does, bring up. You have my full sympathy on this, as I've just gone through this with our own fur-girl...and it's by no means 'over', as far as the grief goes. (I've also 'lost' her brother, my Mum and one of my 2 brothers)

But the position you were in, being the one to address your mom's health, make choices about and ultimately carry them out, is very similar to our roles as 'parents' of our companion animals, or to being a human parent. Those of us in any kind of caregiving role, with all its ultimate responsibilities, are more likely to feel heavier doses of guilt afterwards, and suffer feelings of 'failure' with a loved one's very life. All I can tell you is that it takes much inner work, and some time before the guilt can be successfully conquered, or changed into acceptance and forgiveness of ourselves. This may even take years...not to depress you even further, but it does depend on many factors. With diligence, and a growing desire to not sit in it any longer than necessary for eventual healing, you will get beyond it. But give yourself the luxury of plenty of time, as it's not an easy inner battle.

I wanted to ask, too, if you've tried SAM-e (if it's available in CA)? And/or 5-HTP? Both are supplements that help to increase seratonin levels. Seeing as you prefer, as I do, the natural substances, I thought I'd mention it. It doesn't make you drowsy, as some of the other herbs you mentioned can.

Everyone is right about your being a really good son and going above and beyond what many would have. You're also right about your brain not being the most helpful servant during this time...I may be wrong, but I think it's your heart that's speaking of its pain to you. Grief is not rational. No matter what our beliefs are (mine are pretty much the same as what you've already mentioned here), our hearts just HURT, period, because our loved one isn't physically here anymore. Your 'faith' can help support you, but those feelings still need to be experienced before your head can ever hope to come into alignment with its counterpart. We are seeking a return to some sort of balance during griefwork and one part of ourselves can't be dismissed w/o affecting the other. It's as holistic as herbs are ~ it's not only one substance w/i the herb that heals, it's the whole plant's qualities that do the job.

And as for feeling guilty about using natural methods that didn't ultimately save your mom....I know the feeling, as this was the route we'd taken for many years with our kidlets. (and I had to grin in empathy, cuz I still smoke, too! ...but outside. ) I, too, had to fight to get things into our girl, mainly the chemical stuff in the last months, but also some natural things, too. BUT, I still believe in them far and away above allopathic measures, for the most part. However, at some point, nothing is going to work (anymore), and that's not something we can predict as it's all so individual...and likely also part of the 'life-plan' of each of us. So try to find some comfort from whatever thoughts you can, each day, and hopefully in awhile those will build up into a stockpile of understanding from which you can find some bigger meaning in your loss.

Again, I'm so sorry about your mom and you have my sympathy.

Edited December 11, 2006 by Maylissa

[Sandra-T]

Hi Michael, I'm back, to see how you are holding up. I know its a long road for all of us. I don't think for a minute that you rushed your Moms death by giving her the meds. You just wanted her to not have pain or fear, and that helped. She was going to go at the designated time, regardless. You know this, and I agree, its the brain and heart fighting for the same place, and always in conflict in these situations. There is no way we can feel happy about any of this. I still feel horrible too, about so many things, but the shocked part is a little better. I agree with you its a blessing that you did not have children considering the possible genetic problem. So hey ,look at that, you did the right thing without even knowing at the time. You have a good strong inner strength and faith, and I believe you will let this guilt go soon. I Hope you are able to get those medical records of your Dads also, it would certainly be helpful.

Yeah, day at a time is all we can do, and I hope you find a way to enjoy some of yours. I am not able to at all right now, but I hope that passes. I don't want to waste what limited time there is on sitting in a stupor in my house.

I'm glad if talking here helped you sleep. I am sleeping only with mucho meds, and still not much. Things just seem too hard sometimes. But you seem like a strong guy, it wasn't easy doing all that cretaking, and you did it, so you can make it through this time too. (and as an aside, please stop smoking...)

Peaceful thoughts..

Sandra

[michael]

hey maylissa- i haven't worked with those supplements yet, but will definately look into them. most of what i use does make me drowsy, so i only take it at night. a non drowsy supplement would be greatly welcomed. as for the guilt thing, i have no real guilt about the way the treatments did or didn't work. as i've said, her type of cancer shows a median survival or 2-5 (or 2-7, depending on the report) months from the date of a stage iv diagnosis. after ignoring the symptoms for a while, she was finally diagnosed when a tumor had grown large enough to crack her hip bone. it was that advanced. she made it far beyond that (at 7 months from diagnosis, we were on kauai sipping pina coladas and smelling beautiful flowers). her oncologist was blown away by how well she was doing, comparatively speaking. he was very skeptical of the idea of trying experimental procedures, in the beginning, comparing them to "snake oil" tactics. by the end, he was working with me to replicate the experiments of docs in other countries (i had shown up to his office with copies of their studies, as well as the meds he couldn't obtain in this country). i truly feel that we did all that was possible in that sense.

the part where i get stuck, is the fact that the last thing she saw was her son giving her an o.d., which is not the memory of me i wanted her to take with her.

sandra- well, i'm holding up ok. i must have just been drained the other night, as i seem to be back to the 5:30am-9:30am sleep schedule. i would like to think that she was going to leave on the full moon regardless (and boy, is it hard to see a full moon the same way i used to....), but from what i've read about the last days of life, i estimate that she left quite a few hrs earlier than she might have. not that those extra hours would have been quality hours, because they wouldn't have been....but i did what i did only a few hours into what i was told would be a 24-48hr process. most of me is ok with it. there's just that nagging bit....

as far as the no kids thing being a right decision, it was the universe that made that decision for me, in the form of a drunk driver hitting me head on while i was on a motorcycle at age 18. it was actually something i was mad about (especially once i knew that my mom would never be able to hold my child, something she was certainly looking foward to), until i got the news about my dad. it was a bittersweet relief, in a sense.

on a brighter note, one of my frieds has been in school for a few years to learn, of all things, counseling. we are seperated by 1500mi, but she is in semi-regular contact with me, is wonderful to talk to, and is looking into setting me up with a local counselor that she approves of. it will be interesting to see where that leads. again, tho, there is a nagging fear that i'll tell a counselor what happened, then find myself in handcuffs the next day. a ridiculous fear, perhaps, but a very real fear, nonetheless.

[shell]

Michael,

I think there would be a confidentiality thing with a counselor, so whatever you tell them, they couldn't have you arrested. Anyone out there to verify this? I think this (giving extra morphine) happens a lot, so I wouldn't worry about that.

The guilt is so hard to get over. I think most of us, if not ALL of us, have something to feel guilty about! When my Dad got too sick and out of it to eat or drink anymore, I was afraid to try to force it, because I was terrified he'd choke. So I stopped the food and anything to drink. I felt so guilty that I was starving him to death. But I read a lot of research on this and it seems that no food or fluids is the best way to go, that it actually makes it more comfortable for the person. So that took my guilt over that away. And giving more medicine than may be needed is the same theory. I'm also sure your mom either didn't know what you were doing or if she did, she trusted you enough to know that it was the best thing. It sounds like she trusted you completely and I'm sure she knew you were helping her.

Hang in there and good luck with the counseling. I think that it will help you a lot and hopefully ease your guilt.

Hugs,

Shell

[michael]

hey shell-

i don't think i really believe the worst would happen, it's just the idea of it that gets to me. it's the idea of looking at it as black and white, instead of the grey area that it truly is. which got me thinking...

i was talking a lot about it tonight with a friend of mine, and we came to the conclusion that a lot of this guilt and all of the negative "visions", or whatever, that i'm experiencing are most likely tied to the fact that the values i was raised with are coming into conflict with the values i developed. they're not that far off, but differ in some very significant ways. this situation being one of them.

i think that, the fact that it's (some of) the values that my mother taught me that are conflicting with my actions, is what is making the acceptance difficult. i believe that i am subconsciously linking the action with the replacement of values (and perhaps rightly so)....perhaps i'm feeling that i'm also betraying my mother's legacy, because i became so far removed from some of her teachings, that i would make the decision for her to finish her life according to mine....

i haven't figured it all out yet, but as you can see i've been spending a good deal of time analyzing it (my girlfriend calls it obsessing). hopefully, i can keep the ball rolling.....

[Trudy1964]

Michael,

After my Mom died, I felt so guilty about a lot of things. Some of them I still struggle with. She was dying in the hosp. The Dr. came to me and told me we had a decision to make. Let God's will be or we could give her some blood and keep her going for a little while but the cycle would eventually have to stop. Her blood count was deathly low. I was alone at the hosp. and had to decide what to do. My older brother lives in KY and I did not want her to die in a cold hosp. I wanted her to pass with all six of her loving children around her in her house that she was so proud of. But that also meant putting her through (at that point) God only knew how many more days of hell. I opted to give her enough blood so that we could get her home and my brother could come home. We gave her one pint of blood. My brother came home. Then, she passed 2 days later. Through hospice, I learned if we had not given her blood in the hosp. she probably would have died within hours if we had not given her that 1 pint.

I struggled with that for many weeks after. Did I prolong her suffering? I called her Dr. and had a long talk with him and he help me see I did what was best for her. She hated the hosp. She would not have wanted to die there. Some times that nagging question creeps back into my head. My head knows the answer. It's my heart that keeps screwing things up. None of my sibling ever questioned my decision. They always felt it was the right thing to do. I guess the struggle is always within the person who has to make those kind of decision.

I know it's very hard right now. Try to stop beating your self up. I am so glad your Mom had you. And you had your Mom. You made her so proud. We all secound guess ourselves. It's part of grieving.

I am also seeing a counselor. He is helping bunches. (Along with Lexapro, Topamax, and clorapate) You see, most of us here really are a mess too.

Missing My Mom,

Trudy

[Maylissa]

Trudy,

I'm so glad you said what you did to Michael, as it helped me, too:

Did I prolong her suffering?...She hated the hosp. She would not have wanted to die there...I guess the struggle is always within the person who has to make those kind of decision.

That was part of where my own guilt lay as well...in the decisions only I had final say in...whereas my H was always so certain, but he wasn't the one who decided. Not that he'll really be able to tell the difference, never having been in the other camp, but I think I'll share this theory with him. Thanks.

[Trudy1964]

Thanks Maylissa,

Others never blame us. We only blame ourselves. Thank you for your kind words.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy