Trying To Cope....

[PJ's Mom]

Hello to all...

My name is Pamela and I was so blessed to have the most beautiful dog, a Maltese, named PJ, which stands for Pamela's Joy for 16.5 yrs.

PJ was my everything. I have withstood the loss of both of my parents and have had miscarriages without ever having children, and I feel so weak. I feel as though I should be strong right now. Why am I having such a horrid time bearing this? I have been through so much in my life. I am only 50 and I got PJ as a gift after my hysterectomy. PJ, ran right up to me at the breeders. She was like a magnet. I had the best gift in the entire world. My fiance and I had to put her to sleep on the 15th. She was so ill. I couldn't see her suffer anylonger. I have so much to say, but don't know where to begin. I am able to go to a Pet Support Group on the 8th of Jan.

This pain is so raw. I pray to G-d that PJ is alright. That she is pain free, happy and enjoying heaven. I pray that PJ will come to me in my dreams and tell me that she is alright. Then I feel that I can go on.

I am so sorry to dump on you all like this. I am at a loss. I can't thank you enough for your time.

I look back at these wondrous years with her and I feel as though I took her for granted at times. I am so sorry I had to put you to sleep my babydog. Markie and I were with you till you left, till the very end. Sometimes I think you are with me still. I am so selfish...I don't want you gone. I am so sorry for all of the times I yelled at you for barking or peeing on the carpet, or swatting you on the nose with my finger. I am so sorry for the horrid pain you had to go through at the end.

Oh PJ, you gave me so much love...so much Joy! I can't thank you enough, nor can I thank G-d enough. PJ, I need to know you are alright. I have so many mixed emotions right now. I am so grateful for the darling pictures I have of you. I keep your favorite pink sweater with me at all times. I can still smell you my love. Today I threw away your medicine and dog food bowl, full of your dry dog food. I am not sleeping well, cannot stop crying and I am afraid to be alone. It's so silly. I want your spirit near me. Why can't I feel you now?

What am I going to do?

I am sorry, I am not making any sense right now. I am babbling so. Please forgive me. And I thank you all for allowing me to vent.

Happy New Year to all of you.

I feel like a hypocrite typing that...Again, please forgive me.

My best and take care all....

Pamela...

I know we will be together again. We must! [attachmentid=90]

[lorikelly]

I am so sorry for your loss of PJ. i lost my wonderful 14 yr old Spanky in sept 3 mos after losing my mom. the pain is awful. keep coming here the people are great. peace lori

[avsqr_dancer]

Dear Pamela,

My heart goes out to you on your recent loss of your dear PJ. She was gorgeous indeed! Please do not apologize either for what your wrote here and for what you are feeling. Please know that we here on this board DO understand and do empathize with your pain. Although each loss is unique and each person feels grief in his/her own way and time, know also that this is a place where we do understand because we too have lost a beloved pet.

Four and a half months ago, I had to put down my beloved female dog, Tawny, who wasn't even quite two years old due to kidney failure. Although the vet tried, it was too late, and there was nothing they could do for her. So I understand your pain about having to make that decision. It is one of the most difficult decisions I have made, so painful, but yet I know it was the right thing to do for Tawny. I can also relate to your concern about how she is now because I too have gone through that, and still do to a certain extent. I finally had to tell myself that she is fine where she is-happy, free of pain, surrounded by all the love she needs, and free to run, play, eat, and drink all that she wants. She was my "child" so of course I would continue to worry about her. I have also experienced guilt because I feel like I should have been able to protect her or if only I had caught it sooner. But I have also made peace with this too, and know that sometimes there is nothing that we can do no matter how much we love our pet or hard we try.

I also lost both of my parents the summer before-within 7 weeks of each other, but Tawny was there for me then too. I also lost a child during pregnancy and was never able to have a child. I share all this to show that we have had some of the same experiences so I truly do understand your pain, and I care. I can tell you that losing Tawny was one of the most devastating of my losses, and I am still not completely over it. It still hurts and I still cry when I think about her. But, I can also tell you that it DOES get easier. The pain of the first few days was so intense and so unrelenting. But as the days and weeks went by, I felt the pain less often and it gradually became less intense. But unfortunately you have to allow yourself to feel that pain, but to also somehow believe that it will get better with time. Having her for 16 and a half years, it only makes sense that you would feel her loss so intensely now.

Keep writing here, it helps and we care. I continue to check in here, both to help others and to further help myself. If you want to talk more, feel free to email you. I wish you peace and healing as you travel this difficult grief journey.

[Trudy1964]

Pamela,

You've come to the right place. Mom's, Dad's, Grandparents, children's, pet's, our pain is all the same. Your precious PJ was adorable. I am so sorry for everything you are going through. Your post brought tears to my eyes.

I lost my Mom in July. A girl that I work with had to put her dog "KiKi" to sleep in Dec. She and I had many long talks helping each other get through tough times.

Keep coming here. You've got a new family here to help you through the tough times. Peace to you.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[MartyT]

Pamela, dear ~

I'm so very sorry to learn of the death of your precious PJ, and clearly she was your Joy. What an adorable face! Thank you so much for including those darling pictures of her. Surely your heart is breaking into pieces with the loss of her.

It's good to know that you have access to an "in person" pet loss support group, and I know that the dear people here on our site will help you to hold on until January 8th. If you're able to concentrate long enough to do it, I hope you'll read through some of the messages posted in this Forum -- here you will find so many stories similar to your own, all by animal lovers like yourself who are coping with the heartbreaking loss of their own beloved fur babies.

If you haven't found it already, I hope you will pay a long visit to my Grief Healing Web site, especially the Articles and Books page and the Pet Loss Links pages. There you will find a great deal of information, comfort and support, which I hope will help you make some sense of what you are feeling.

At the very least, know that we are thinking of you at this sad and difficult time, and holding you in our hearts.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[Maylissa]

Dear Pamela,

There is no need to apologize for ANY of your feelings, for, as has been said already, we understand them, we've lived them ourselves and many of us are still in the throes of grief over our furbabies, me included, though it's been over 4 months for me already.

I can empathize with your worries about PJ. I have many of the same ones myself, even if I 'should' "know better" after my other losses. Grief isn't rational, no matter how much we wish to make it so. All we can do is feel what we feel, think whatever we think, and express whatever we can, in whatever form works for us. As Confucious said, "Let mourning stop when one's grief is fully expressed." For me, that also means that in many ways, I will always be mourning for the loss of my 2 kidlets, as there is no end to the importance of our relationships together and I could talk about them and how I feel forever! I will carry all of it with me until I get to join them once again.

So please express whatever you need or want to here. It's a safe place to share in all the many faces of our grief, and there are no limits on where this can go. It doesn't matter if you "ramble", as our thoughts and feelings can be all over the place, especially when grief is so fresh and acute. We've all seen it and been there, too. You can write to us, or to PJ, or both....whatever helps you in that moment. It's all okay.

None of us wants our beloveds 'gone'. We don't want them to 'suffer', and we'd prefer that they were able to stay with us, but in a healthy, happy state. That's not selfishness...that's love, of and for another. We want to be able to continue to give that love to them, and we still can and do, but now it is mixed with the sorrow of their leaving us in the physical plane, so it's much harder. PJ still feels your love and concern for her, and is now pain-free in a revitalized spirit body, and able to enjoy continued life without the encumbrances of whatever physical problems she'd had to cope with. This may be the only thought that will help at times...or not...either way, we're here to lean on each other, for as long as we need to. If PJ misses you, I believe it's not with the same intensity or in quite the same way as we miss them...because while we can't usually see them (there have always been exceptions!), I trust they can still see us, so they don't experience our absence the way we experience the seeming absence of them. I'm quite sure it's far harder on us than on them.

And I hope your local pet loss group can help, too. (I have yet to go to one here, as they're so few and far between) So please come back and share whatever you want and know that we all empathize with your pain...that's why we need each other.

[PJ's Mom]

Hello...

To all of you that have responded, I can't thank you enough for taking this time to help me. I am so very sorry for all of your losses, for the pain that you have had and are still dealing with. How you take the time to help me is awesome! How you can give so much with the pain that you are dealing with and have dealt with is incredible! I am in awe of your heartfelt, kind and loving responses. They have brought me some comfort and for that, I can never thank you enough! Forgive me for not responding individually, I know I am being rude, but my energy level is so low right now.

I didn't have my " email notifications", set correctly, I am new this to impressive format. So please forgive me for not responding right away.

I was curious this morning, and low and behold, I saw my mistake.

Dear Group Counsler, I thank you for your links, I shall look into them for sure!

And to everyone else's suggestions, I will too, take notice and try!

I think I am depressed. If it wasn't for my fiance, Mark, I call him Markie, I wouldn't be getting out of bed. I go from being sad, angry, crying all of the time, to escaping in food, TV and 'whathavenot'.

He has been my rock. When he goes back to work on the 15th, that will truly be a test of my 'character strength.'

Markie took me to Barnes and Noble yesterday for a bit. I ordered 3 books:

"The Soul of Your Pet: Evidence for the Survial of Animals After Death",

"Animals and the Afterlife: True Stories of Our Best Friends Journey Beyond Death" and "Rainbow and Bridges" The Animal Companion Memorial Kit"...

I believe and hope that they may be of some help.

I know I shall come back here and re-read your wonderful posts to me again and again.

I want to also thank you for your lovely compliments regarding my PJ. Please feel free to send me pics of your babies...I would love to see them!

Oh my PJ...I Love You Soooooo! I miss you more than words can describe. Do you hear me, feel me, smell me? Do you know how much I ache to rub your belly, massage your little head, take you for a walk, give you a treat, sing to you and so much more? Oh Sweet PJ, be happy, pig out on steak bones, run like crazy, bark, jump, and play with all of the other animals...You gave me sooo much love, more than I have ever had in my entire life. I sleep with your pink sweater...I miss you next to me at night time. Even Markie misses you soooooo. Oh babygirl what am I going to do? It's horrible coming home and not seeing you looking out the front window, not having you greet me, or us at the door with your barks, and running around in circles, because you were so happy to see me and Daddy. Oh PJ, do you know how special you are?

Thank you for loving me ...for giving me so much joy. Oh please G-d help me with this pain....

Your loving Mom...

Again ladies, thank you from the very bottom of my heart and soul for being who you are, for your loving, kind and gentle words... And allowing me to just 'be'...

Take care...

Pamela, PJ's Mom....

[attachmentid=93]

[Trudy1964]

Pamela,

Thanks for adding more pics of your precious Pj. Never say "I'm sorry" for anything you did or didn't do here. You are among friends here who just let you be you. You can let your hair down here. It took me a while to figure out how to post also. Pj is always with you. After Markie leaves for work, Pj's spirit will help through. After my Mom passed, a friend suggested I lite a blessed candle to represent her. I do that and it gives me such peace. I just feel her all around me when I do this. It's like she is just lighting up the room just like when she would walk into my house before she left us.

Pamela, you're never alone. We are always here with you. Peace to you.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[Maylissa]

Pamela,

I'm sure you'll LOVE those 2 books ~ I have them both. I'm glad you found "The Soul of Your Pet: Evidence for the Survial of Animals After Death", as a few years ago it was actually out of print and very hard to find. I'd also looked at the Memorial Kit, but already have so many plans for memorializing my girl, Nissa, that I didn't want to add anything more to my plate, as I'm sure it's going to take me well over a year to do what I already have planned....and I'm moving pretty, darn s...l...o....w.... as it is.

I've also just bought "Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul", "Chicken Soup for the Cat Lover's Soul" (there's one for dogs, too, and animals in general) and for Christmas got "Reflections of the Heart ~ What Our Animal Companions Tell Us" as a present (so far, I'm LOVING this last one).

You don't always have to respond to individuals, either. There are no set rules, so don't worry. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Besides, I see you've already figured out how to post pics! and your avatar!...something I didn't even bother doing until we lost our Nis' this year! (my own pics of Nissa, and Sabin, are still on the backburner!) And yes, they are wonderful pics, of both PJ and you! There are many fine controls and techie-tricks on this site, but there's no rush to figure them all out at once. What's more important is the venting of all those emotions and thoughts.

As for the helping of others, it's really just another way many of us find to help ourselves in tandem with getting help. In a nutshell, I think it helps because we're designed to give love and by giving love, we receive the same. This is something my kidlets taught me to experience right in my core....just one of the countless ways they made life here meaningful and rich.

[lorikelly]

Dear Pamela

When i lost my wonderful Spanky in sept only 3 mos after losing my mom someone bought me the rainbow and bridges memorial book set. it has a place for spanky's picture in the front. i have never been able to write in it b/c my grief is so strong for both of my loses that i just don't have the energy. i hope the book helps you. i know that one day we will all meet again. Lori

[avsqr_dancer]

Hi Pamela,

I hope that as the days have passed, you have at least begun to feel the pain of loss a bit less intensely. It is not uncommon to feel depressed after a loss so what you are feeling sounds totally normal, and what we have all experienced to one extent or another. I hope that you can find some comfort and support in the pet support group you mentioned. I will be interested to hear how it goes. Please share that experience with us if/when you feel up to it. As for giving to you in your hour of need, Maylissa is right, it does help us also, and because we have (and to a certain extent still are)experienced this pain, we truly care and we understand. I hope that you also find comfort in the books that you have ordered. After Tawny's loss, I also ordered some pet loss books (from Marty's site), which were helpful, but I got stuck on the memorial section. Everyone reacts to grief differently (as I have said before), so I am hopeful that memorializing PJ wil help you. I want to do that some day for Tawny, but right now thinking of her and looking at her pictures still brings me too much pain.

Maylissa-I finally ordered the book you recommended on the site awhile ago-about the afterlife of animals. I don't know why it took me so long-sometimes I really do procrastinate. But I am looking forward to getting the book and hopefully getting some comfort or some kind of assurance because I still worry so about Tawny. I also have the Chicken Soup for Grieving Souls, which I did find very helpful. However, I bought the Chicken Soup for Dog Lovers Souls and I found that book extremely depressing. I guess the stories I read were supposed to be inspiring, but at least the ones I read were mostly about having to put down a dog and I just found myself crying so hard and so long (and this was before I lost Tawny). So after about 6-8 stories, I quit reading the book, so I don't know how the other stories are. Let me know what you think of the one for Cat Lovers.

That's about it for now.

I hope, Pam, that when you feel ready, you will write us again. Remember your posts help us as well.

[AnnieO]

Pam

I am so sorry about your dog. I understand what you are going thru.

I hope it's okay, I would like to tell you about my dog too. Dec.7th my mom passed away. That morning I had taken my dog to the vet for tests. I came home from the hospital and really needed my big, furry buddy. I called the vet to tell them I needed Ripley home, even if they needed to have me bring him back in the morning, I wanted him home to help me. I knew the minute I heard the vet's voice it wasnt good news, he asked me to come in after they closed. So, that night I sat on the floor and hugged Ripley as the vet put him to sleep. He was an 8 yr old Bernese Mountain Dog, 105 pounds , and was convinced if he tried hard enough,he could fit on your lap. I can't believe I lost both my mom and my most favorite dog in the world on the same day. I like to think they are together and how suprised my mom was when she saw Ripley, she loved him too! We are so lucky when these special animals come into our lives, but it hurts so much when they leave. take care.

[avsqr_dancer]

Oh, Annie,

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom and of your dog both on the same day. How horrible that must have been for you. Why does it seem that so many losses come at the same time? My mom died 1 1/2 years ago and then my dad died only 7 weeks later. Then last year I lost my brother-in-law, my mother-in-law, and my dear 2 year old dog, Tawny. It has been a lot of pain to endure, but it has helped to be on these loss boards to have others support and to read others' stories. I hope that you will gain some peace and ease of pain as this year moves on. My MIL loved my dog, Tawny so I also hope that they are now together, giving each other love and comfort.

[PJ's Mom]

Hello to all of you that have responded....

Again, I must tell you how sorry that I am for the lost and pain that you are and have been experincing. To have so many losses at once, is unbearable.

The love and courage that you all have, to be able to share your pain and losses with me is remarkable and I can never thank you enough for what you have done for me.

I am afraid that I cannot, nor really want to post right now.

I am afraid that I am being very selfish and I ask you to forgive me.

I don't have that kind of compassion in my heart right now.

I think I came here too soon. To share these feelings of mine, these painful, such intimate feelings hurts so badly that I don't know what to do with them.

I don't even know if I can go to this Pet Support Group tomorrow.

I miss my babydog so much, I can't stand it! I just want her to be happy and to let me know that she is alright. I hope and pray in due time she will.

I want to thank you all for taking the time to comfort me, even thru your great pain. Perhaps I may be able to come back at a later date.

Please feel free to email me directly.

I wish you all comfort, love and some inner peace. You all are such very special people...

From the bottom of my heart and soul...and with many gentle hugs...

Pamela....

Be happy my sweet babygirl PJ, be happy! I love and miss you sooooo!