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Struggling With Some Comments From A Friend


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Hi There,

I was spending a weekend at one of my best friends house with her family this weekend, this family has been like an extended family to me, as my family lives 13 hours away, I have no family where I am. When on Saturday she started making some comments which really cut me like a knife, I'm not sure what her intentions really were at the time, it seemed like she was just having some issues in her life, and was trying to make me feel horrible. It all started with me overhearing her telling her oldest son "Auntie Brooke CAN'T cook honey", now the truth is I can cook, I did all the time when my fiance was still here, I just choose not too, I'm sure many of you know the "joys" of cooking for one!!! Especially being a single parent there is not enough hours in the day at the best of times. Then she started in on me on the cleanliness of my house, I'm sorry but my house is NOT a pig sty by any means, the laundry may not always be caught up, but somedays I would rather play on the floor with my son, that laundry will be there later, she asked her brother right in front of me (who had come by my house with me so I could feed my cats), "so be honest with me really how clean WAS her house?? He just looked at her puzzled, and I felt humiliated. Now I know I am going off on a rant here, but she being one of my closest friends really hurt me with her comments, I lost Trevor 7 months ago, and I am still trying to pick up the pieces, raise a son alone, I hardly have help from anyone else in these processes, and now she has really made me doubt my progress, in my grieving, in raising my child, in being a single parent and trying to get in all done. Making me think "have I been delusional in this healing process?" I'm just so angry I don't even know what I am talking about anymore. Have any of you guys been through some kind of similar experience??

Thank you all for taking the time to listen to me vent.......

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I am so sorry Brooke, her unkind words were very out of place. My house is NEVER perfect, before OR after George died, and I wouldn't welcome those kind of comments! Everyone has differing standards and as long as it's comfortable to you, that's what matters. I don't think anything you could say to her would be out of line. More understanding is called for, not criticism, especially from someone who hasn't been through it.

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Brooke,

I have not had anyone say those things about me, however I share in your thoughts about cleaning house and laundry and such. I struggled with that at first, thought I was supposed to be super dad and mom rolled into one person. I found out real soon I can't do it. My grief support group told me, not to worry if the house doesn't get clean or all of the laundry finished, you are single now and your son needs your attention. Just try and remember this, she is a relationship that involves 2 people, a person that can help with the cleaning and such. She doesn't have the concept of what it is like to be single and have children at the same time especially haveing to deal with grief on top of it. I know this is easier said than done, but let it go in one ear and out the other, don't give her space in your head you have enough to deal with. Pray for her, pray that she will have the understanding of your situation. I know it is difficult to pray for someone you are mad at, but trust me it does help.

Love always

Derek

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Dear Brooke, I have just read your post and I don't think that you should doubt your progress in your grieving. I live alone - my kids are grown - and my husband died 7 months ago also. Your friend has no idea what your grief feels like as she has never been there. It is so easy for some to judge when they have no idea how you are hurting - they still have their partner and their life goes on as usual. Your child is way more imporant than any housework or laundry - it will always wait for you. I started writing in a journal when I get frustrated and it helps. It doesn't matter about spelling etc as it only for your eyes. I don't cook much any more either and I don't know how old your child is but most kids are happy with some fruit or veggie and dip. When you are feeling better you can start cooking again - be gentle with yourself. After your child is in bed, forget the housework tomorrow and have a nice soak in the tub and relax. Take care, I care Jane

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Brooke,

Sometimes people dont think before they speak, or they just dont care about how a comment may effect someone. I too am a single mother after losing my husband while I was pregnant and it is not easy whatsoever. There are not enough hours in the day it feels anymore to get done what I want to get done. If you ask me I think time with our children is higher on the list of priorities than having a spotless house. Try not to listen to what people say. I have heard enough stick your foot in your mouth things to last me quite a while. No one can understand your situation unless they too have walked in your shoes. Take care

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Brooke I also lost my husband 7 months ago. My children are grown but even when my children where younger, my house to wasn't a pig sty but not the show case home either. It was a home that was lived in with children. I spent alot of time just enjoying my children. I worked and after coming home and us having dinner I wanted my children to know they were important and spent time with them. My children enjoyed their childhood because of it. So don't let your friend get to you and enjoy your child he is the most precious life for you to hang onto. Peggy

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When my Mom was still with us, she used to call me on Sunday afternoon. She would ask me to go and get her to come over to my house and visit and drink a cup of coffee. She didn't drive. I would go between doing laundry, dusting, paying bills, etc. If I could only turn back time. I would sit down with my Mom and enjoy a cup of coffee and talk to her.

Do what's important. We've all learned a hard lesson. Things change far too quickly. Play with your baby. The dust will be there tomorrow or the day after that.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

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  • 1 month later...

Hi Brooke,

I'm not usually one to do much more than encourage people to visit Memories for Survivng Kids (mfsk.org) in these forums but as both an experienced parent and surviving kid I can see where I can offer some advice from time to time. It's been six weeks since your friend made that comment. I hope she has apologized by now. I know some people let criticisms flow like water out a spikot sometimes. My advice is for you to judge yourself. To ask yourself "Did I make the right choices today for me and my baby?". If you're pleased with your answer than you have done well regardless of the words around you. Dad died when I was 3. Mom had me, five other siblings, and a full time job. She died when I was eleven and I remember little of her other than reward and discipline because she was spread so thin. If you see dishes on the counter, do me a favor, go over and sing a song with your baby before you run the water.

Take Care.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Brooke,

It sounds to me like she was angry about something totally different.

Often peoples upsets have nothing to do with us. I remember always assuming my late fiancee's anger was because of something I had done.

My sister educated me once to the fact that this position assumes that we're the center of the universe for everyone. Fact is we're only the center for ourselves.

I'm new to this forum so I ought to introduce myself.

I lost my fiancee, Kathy, about five months ago. I'm just coming out of the "shock" phase and missing her a lot. Kathy and I met biking, and she was killed while riding her bike by a recycling truck driver who turned right, into her path at a busy intersection.

I'm doing really well, considering. I'm an incurable optimist. The hardest part for me has been staying single, or rather not trying to find a mate. The universe has conspired to support me in remaining single; despite myself, and I'm finally OK with being single now.

I have a supportive workplace and many, many loving friends. My family lives an hour away. My 17 yr. old son lives with me during the school week. That helps too. We move into a new house this week and that's very exciting. Strangely enough, two previous tenants died in this home and the person I bought it from had a nervous breakdown within a month of purchasing it. I truly feel my loving energy is here to heal the house.

Looking forward to participating more.

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I welcome you here and sharing your thoughts and feelings. It helps each one of us to hear how another is coping and it helps to not feel so alone. I'm sorry about the loss of your fiance. You seem to have a positive attitude about life and I'm sure that will help you in this journey. I hope you will come here often. Deborah

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