Now What?

[ellejaye]

I don't even know where to start. It seems really hard to condense all of my thoughts into a few simple paragraphs on a computer screen. But I suppose I should begin where things ended, which was May 16th of 2006, the day my husband-to-be left this world. With no warning, no prior symptoms, no indication to anyone whatsoever, he died of major arterial blockage in his heart. He had just turned 35. Two weeks later our baby was born, a little boy looking every bit like his daddy. So here I am, 9 months and one day later, and I have somehow lost my ability to keep up the "tough girl facade"... for some reason, everything is starting to catch up to me, and I can do nothing but cry lately.

I just turned 32 less than a month ago... I feel too young to be having this "conversation". And I don't know where to go from here. I thought I was doing really well and being really strong. I tried to be brave and calm when he died, because I was in the final weeks of a very difficult, high-risk pregnancy. I didn't want our baby to die too, so I just pushed everything down into the deep recesses of myself somehow and tried to make it to my due date without incident. Once the baby came, it was pretty easy to keep busy. I also have a 7-year-old son as well, so finding something to occupy my time and mind was not really a problem. Plus, I didn't want to upset my kids or any of the other grieving family members... I just tried to be one less problem and "tear-starter", I guess. Mostly, I really thought it would be a disgrace to his memory and what he would have wanted for me if I had fallen apart or lost strength. He used to always say, "Eyes forward, full steam ahead" when he talked about work or getting things done around the house -- I just had that notion in my head and felt like I would be letting him down if I didn't go forth and live my life that way. So that's what I did. I just put the blinders on and started running at life head on. Well, its not working so well now... I think I am running out of my usual toughness.

To say that I miss him is an understatement. I think I am just plain LOST now. I think he would be proud of our kids and the way we have gotten by so far, but nothing is the same. I used to laugh all the time... I mean REALLY LAUGH at things. I don't really laugh much anymore. I used to have faith in the things I learned in church and Sunday School... that is pretty much questionable to me now, at best. I used to feel safe and secure and sure of myself... now I second-guess everything and feel afraid all of the time and find it really hard to trust myself and others. Most of all, I miss my buddy. I am so lonely, but specifically lonely for HIM. He was one of those all-around great guys whom EVERYBODY liked and looked up to. I especially looked up to him and admired him a lot. He made me better than what I really am. He didn't care about the bad and annoying things about me -- he was really proud of me, proud to be with me, and loved all parts of me, not just the good things. He more-than-willingly took on the father role to my older son, and they were very close. It has been a terrible loss for him too. I don't really have to explain, because anyone who has lost someone knows what I am saying. Everyone is special and unique, whether they are still here or sadly gone. I just don't know how to feel now. I don't know if I am normal or if I am at a "proper" stage of grieving in all this mess or if I am being a good enough mom to my boys. I don't even think I am ENOUGH for them. I feel so guilty that they only have me to depend on. I am doing the best I can, but it is sometimes so frustrating and hard. I hate doing this alone. I know I should be grateful to be here, but more often than not, I feel guilty. He was such a good person... I pretty much feel that HE deserves to live and be here with his baby, not me. Is that stupid? I don't know anyone else in this situation. I live in a very small town (population of less than 1000) and the only people here who can relate to me are older women who have had 30 or 40 years of marriage under their belts. I don't know anyone my age who has had this happen to them, and I feel like I don't really fit in anywhere anymore. From the day he died, I feel like I have been flung far, far out from the circle of my peers -- not that they reject me, but I feel so different and far-removed from them now. They worry about things like vacations to Disneyland and soccer and what new SUV to buy and if they should get their kids I-Pods for Christmas. Those things just don't matter to me anymore, and we cannot relate anymore. Its pretty lonesome standing in this category all by myself in this town. So I don't know how I am doing. I don't know if I am doing things right or if I am feeling what I should be or if I am actually crazy and just don't realize it yet. I don't know what I am supposed to do for the rest of forever, I don't know how to react to the things people ask me or the dumb things they say to me, and I ESPECIALLY don't know what to do once our baby gets old enough to figure out that he doesn't have a dad here to spend time with. I hate it when people say, "You are young... you'll find someone." I don't want to, and I don't want to hear that. It really offends me, like what I feel RIGHT NOW does not matter. I am still in love with him, and I cannot stop that love. We were supposed to be together forever, not this. Our son was born, our wedding day came and went, the holidays passed, the first day of school, my birthday, Valentine's Day, not to mention all of the ordinary little days and moments he is missing... they are all so empty, and I have been alone for all of them. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to see the positive side of things now. I have never felt bitter or angry or like I haven't wanted to go on -- is that next for me? Is that a definite part of this progression too?? How do I stop being so SAD?? What happens next?!?

[LarrysGirl]

I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I know you are overwhelmed with your feelings of sadness and disbelief. We all have been there on this site unfortunately. This is such a good site to post your feelings. You will find comfort and support. We are all at different stages, I happen to be at 15 months, and it still feels like yesterday. I understand about the friends, they don't get it and they can't get it because it hasn't happened to them. That was one of the hardest things for me to understand and I still don't fully understand. I can't tell you this will be easy but take it a day at a time. There are many stages of grief to go thru and you are very early into it. Keep posting, kind people will respond and share. Deborah

[gabrielle_land]

ellejaye,

I'm very sorry for your loss, and though we wished not to be part of a group like this one, you are very welcomed, and I hope it may help you somehow to "speak" about your feelings and about what you have been through, I can tell you it has helped me alot through the process of mourning. I think you have chosen a good place. I can somehow relate to your situation since its been almost 8 months from me, it was all too sudden too and I have felt at some point I am too young to have this kind of conversations as well (I'm 23), no friends of mine can fully understand what losing the love of your life is. I think that we can't be what we used to be before, as you just mentioned, my simple anwer to that is because we arent complete anymore, and nothing can be the same as it used to be, but we have to adapt to what life seems to be now. I feel just the same as you do when you said, and I will quote "... especially looked up to him and admired him a lot. He made me better than what I really am." I understand you, and I'm sure the rest of the people who join the forum understand you very well. We are going through the same kind of loss, different age range, some have their lost still so recent and others have been mourning for more time, but all those feelings and thoughts are familiar to all. I have learned here there isn't a "proper" stage of grieving since we all react differntly, some may heal at a slow pace compared to others, but that's the point, not to compare yourself to others, or any healing pattern that others may tell you, you need time, so take all the time you need without rushing. As far as I could read you were blessed with two boys, I admire the fact of being a mom and a good mom through this so difficult moments. People around much of teh times don't say the right things, but remember they don't really know what you are going through, just try not to give any importance to them. I here "stop living in the past" many times, probably this is the one comment I hate the most... I wish they all could see he is not "the past", but still part of my life, and I wish I could have the answer to all of your questions concerning to how long will it last, or what's next, but remember you have found a place where people know what you are going through, nobody will judge the way you feel, and there's many supportive people who are willing to "listen" to you anytime. Please try to be gentle with yourself. I hope any of my words may be of some support to you.

Take care of yourself,

Gaby

[LoriS.]

Ellejaye,

I am so sorry for your loss. Everyone on these boards is very supportive and can help you through this process. It was my mom who died back in October and it takes time to sort through all the feelings. Read everyones posts on these boards and you'll see you are not alone. You've come to the right place to vent your feelings.

Take care...Lori

[spunkye]

Dear Ellejaye,

I am so very sorry for you in the loss o f your love. The pain, the confusion, the numbness, feelings of hopelessness - all of the emotions and thoughts and despair you shared about - I believe we all, on this forum have and still are, experiencing.

Even though circumstances are different, our pain is there. I lost my husband August 24 and thought I was coming out of the devestating grief, but I think a lot of what I was doing was just trying to bury my feelings. I started a grief recovery group last Monday and this past week has been very hard!!...I guess Valentines Day didn't help either.

One of the comments made at the group that has stayed with me this week has to do with going 'through' the pain and not attempting to run from it or pretend we don't have it. This is a place where I can safely share all the pain and confusion i have. This forum has been a loving and compassionate support for me - and I'm sure it will be for you, too.

You sound like a loving, caring and understanding woman - please treat yourself as you would a hurting friend, and be loving, caring and understanding toward yourself. This is a journey none of us would consciously choose, but as long as we're on it, we CAN help eachother through it!

Love and hugs and prayers,

Benita

[dpodesta]

Eleejaye,

I know exactly how you feel, we are both so young to have to be dealing with this sort of thing. I am 37 and my wife died of a heart attack in April of this past year. I also have a 7 year old son. Granted I didn't have the pressures of having an infant, so I know that has got to be a lot for a single person to handle. You have made it this far, and that is your strength. Don't be afraid to cry, I am learning that myself. It is not a sign of weakness and it is okay to let your son see you cry, it will let him know that it is okay. I am the same type, I shove feelings down and not want to deal with them, I have learned that I can't do that, I need to let my feelings out and deal with them if I want to get better. I know this sounds hard, but I have to do it if I want to get on with my life. My wife and your husband to be would have wanted that. We are to young to sit back and not live the rest of our lives. In exactly one month will be what would have been our 12th anniversary, it is so hard to think that there will be no more, the dream I had of making it to a 50th anniversary and beyond is now shattered. Almost 2 weeks later will be the one year mark of Karen's death so I know I am getting ready to hit bottom once more, but now I am okay with that. I know there are a lot of wonderful people that are here on this site that will be here for me and they are here for you also. Just allow your feelings to come allow yourself to feel those emotions, you are not weak, and if anyone says differently then you don't need them in your life. I gained a lot of faith after Karen died, a lot of people wondered if it would push me away from God. I have found more peace by turing to him than ever before. I know he has a plan for me, I may not understand why Karen had to die, but I know that I don't see the whole picture either. It is hard to see the mountain when you are standing on it. Trun to God and pray, even when you don't feel like it. There were times during this past 10 months when I was going throuhg a lot of pain, and having sucidal thoughts and all I cound do was crawl up on the floor and pray. I always found a peace afterwards and knew that God was holding me in his arms are carrying me through this. I came to realize the truth and reality of the poem Footprints in the Sand. When you look back through your life and God has been walking with you you will see 2 sets of footprints. During the roughest times you will only see one set of footprints, God hasn't left you, during the times of only one set of footprints it is then that God was carrying you. I pray that you will feel his peace and comfort and realize he is carrying you through this rough time.

Love always

Derek

[chrissy777]

Eleejaye,

I am sorry you are going through this. I too lost my husband at a young age me 25 him 36 and while I was pregnant with our first child. The hurt is so intense and you feel like you need to be strong for your children but I have found somedays that feels impossible. I too have thought many times why him and not me? I agree with Derek that God has not left any of us. There are days where I think how can I possibly do this and I do and life goes on as strange as it seems. It takes time and time is not set in stone everyone is different. Take care of yourself God bless you and your children.

[kayc]

Eleejay,

I am sorry you are in so much pain and having to go down this road that we have been travelling on. Everything you mentioned is common and normal for your situation. I got so tired o hearing how it takes time, yet I know it is true. People shouldn't tell you "you'll find someone else" because we need our feelings validated not discounted...although I know their intent is to give us hope, it doesn't help, it only hurts, yet it's true, they can't understand what they haven't been through. You have found a very caring site, please continue to voice how you feel. There are other young people who have lost their partner, and many of them with a baby. It IS hard but you will find you have the needed strength to go through it. We all handle it a little differently, and there isn't a right or wrong way, just our ways. God be with you in the upcoming time.

[AnnC]

Unfortunately, feeling sad is part of it. Everyone seems to think it's important to "be strong", but you have lost your husband, and that is a HUGE loss, and of course you cannot ignore that. The feelings of grief must be felt, or you will never heal. And healing doesn't mean you will go back to what it was like before -- everything has changed, and you will heal to a new life, a new normal. But of course you will never forget your husband. I know people like to say, "You will find someone else". They said that to me. They usually say it because they don't know what else to say. And I said, "Who wants to?" Now, two and one half years later, I could maybe possibly imagine loving another person, but not INSTEAD of my husband. It would be a different person, and different love, and would have to be someone who would understand how much of my heart will always be my husband's, forever.

We all want to escape the feelings, because they hurt so much, but the feelings are natural and normal in grief. You're not crazy, though grief can make you feel as if you are. Timetables are individual. But anytime under a year you will definitely be feeling it. You never actually get over it. You learn to live with the loss.

Keep posting and reading here. You will see that you are not alone in how you feel. The loss of a spouse is devastating, no matter what age you are. When you are young, you mourn the years you expected to be with him/her. But when you are much older, like my mother at 79 who lost my dad after 56 years of marriage, she can't even imagine life without him, because she barely HAD any life without him. Either way, it's a huge adjustment, a huge loss. It is natural and normal to feel it.

Ann

[missing rick]

Dear Ellejaye

I agree with AnnC the loss of a spouse whether you are young or older is just as devestating. I was married for 35 years when Rick died in June/06 and I felt like my world ended - and to be truthful still do a lot of the time. I also felt cheated that he had died at 57 when we were looking forward to our retirement and grandchildren, and just being able to spend time together. Try talking to some of the older women in your town and you will see they are experiencing the same emotions and are on the same emotional rollercoaster ride as you are on - they may be able to help and by sharing stories you may start to heal together. Even at my age (55) I find it hard to relate to friends - their lives are all continuing as usual and mine isn't. I don't know where I "belong" either - they all make me welcome but being with them just reminds me that Rick isn't here and I feel envious. People say "make new friends" but I don't want new friends - I don't want to belong to a "widows" club yet - I hate that word. This is a wonderful place to come because people are at different stages in their grief journey and have wonderful, caring advice. When I first started here I read and read a lot of the old posts and found that everyone feels pretty much the same things, maybe not in the same order and that it is all part of working THROUGH your grief in your own time and way. I don't know how to stop feeling sad, my heart feels like a hard little ball in my chest that feels nothing. I keep praying that that hard little ball will break and that I will find enjoyment even in simple things like a sunset, seeing a deer, or a fresh snowfall. I ask God to let me see at least one thing each day that will make that day worth getting up for. I sincerely hope that things look up for you and that you can find an end to your deep sadness. with love Jane