Relationships

[dpodesta]

For all of you that have lost a spouse and have found a new relationship, I have a question for you.

I have emt someone and we have been dating for the last month and a half. Last night we were sitting together watching TV and snuggling on the couch. It felt so good to be with someone and to have someone to hold again I just can't describe the feeling. Today was a different story, my emotions have ranged from really good to "do I really know what I am getting myself into" I just can't explain it any better than that. Now I will say in my conscience mind I don't feel like I am cheating on Karen I know she would want me to go on with my life and find someone else, so I don't know what is going on. Have you experience this before, is this normal at first? I don't like feeling this wierd, it disrupts my work day getting me out of focus. Please let me know your thoughts.

Love always

Derek

[walter/Erica]

Derek

Please remind me how long ago since you lost Karen? My loss is around 5 months and from day 1 this has been and is my view( May sound strange to you)Walter was my only love for 30 years ( I am now 48 yrs old) and I feel that when I get to Heaven I want to focus on Walter, even without the prospect of marriage. I dont want to be in a place where I know that I have been with him for 30 years and someone else for 20Years. I want him to be my best friend/tour guide in heaven, to catch up with him and to explore places together. I probably will get lonely,while here on earth, But I feel I can combat that loneliness with grandchildren, travel, activities and work.

Did you also feel like this in the beginning and now have changed? Do you feel differently about your new girlfriend as you felt abouit your wife?

Love, Erica

[DoubleJo]

Erica & Derek: I was married for 27 1/2 years when I was widowed 5 years ago. I met another man and married him. Curt was wonderful in his way. (he died last year). John was dear to me in his way. I am seeing a new man who is in love with me. He is a great guy.

A parent often has more than one child. They have 2 parents. They have grandparents. They have brothers and sisters. Do you pick one from all of them to love? Is our love so limited and confined that we can love only one person at a time and disregard all the rest?I don't think so. There are many people in this world. We meet but a few. If we are lucky enough to meet good people should we discard them so we can dream about one person?

The love you feel and still have for someone doesn't disappear. The bonds that were sown do not go away. The amazing thing about love is that it is not rationed out. It is not meager. Whether one wants to love again is a personal decision. Love, however is boundless. It may feel different with a different person because, surprise! they are different. It doesn't negate what came before. Does it feel weird? yes. My boyfriend was married for 31 years when his wife died last year. He feels like he is a kid again dating and laughs

that he doesn't know what to say or how to act. He is happy. Does he not cry at times for his wife when a song comes on? You betcha. Do I? Sure. That is when we realize they are sweet tears of warmth and soft memories. I feel so blessed to have had them all.

When you think, What am I doing? Its' because we are unsure of ourselves.

We remember every warning that may have been given somewhere. But you know, being with someone doesn't mean you're committing to anything. It means you're enjoying someones' company. One day you'll argue. Next day you won't. The relationship ( if there will be one) will take its' course.

You will probably pull back a number of times. My warning from my experience is this: If you feel awkward, don't dismiss the person outright from your life. You may regret it later, because it is your situation bothering you, not something they are doing. You can give yourself more space, break up the amount of time you're seeing them. Later you'll feel differently and may miss their company. That tells you something. You may feel glad the're not there. That tells you something too.

Enjoy what you can. We are all human and since we are still alive we cannot deny what humans need- other humans. My best Doublejo

[walter/Erica]

Hi Doublejo

Maybe its a bit early in my journey, but for now I cannot imagine me loving someone else. Doublejo at 6 months after losing your first husband, did you feel the way I do now?

Love, Erica

[dpodesta]

Erica,

Karen died a little over 16 months ago. At first like you I couldn't think about loving someone else but at the same time it was very depressing thinking about living the rest of my life by myself. When I say by myself, without someone to share my life with, because I do have an 8 year old son, so I am not really alone but you know what I mean. As time went on I started becoming more open to the idea that I could love someone else. This started happening towards the end of my first year. As far as what you said about Heaven and concentrating only on Walter here is a passage in Matthew Chapter 22 "(verse 29) Jesus replied, "You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. (verse 30) At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven." Now this is not saying that we won't know each other. We will know each other and we will know why we know each other. I believe that we will also have deeper feelings for those that we loved compared to people that were just friends in our life. Like DoubleJo said there is room in our hearts to love more than one person.

As far as my feelings for this new person in my life, yes they are different, keep in mind that the love I had for Karen grew over the 12 years that we were married so the feelings I have for this new person are going to be different it takes time for love to grow. Also keep in mind Erica you were married a lot longer than I was so you are in a different place than I am. You may or may not be able love another deeply enough to get married, but then again you might. I have heard of several on this site that are older than both of us and were able to get married again. As you well know, you are still at the very begining of your journey, you still have awhile to go. May God bless your journey and show you His love and will for your life.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

I am remarried. Many of you cannot fathom doing that, that's okay. It doesn't mean you loved your spouse more than I did...what George and I had was so special, I cannot imagine anyone having a closer relationship than we did. Keep in mind that we are all different and our situations are different and we are going to respond differently, according to what is right for us. When George was alive I never once looked at another man or considered one...when he died, I felt the same way, I didn't want anyone else. But then I became friends with his close friend, and we encouraged each other and shared our day with each other over the phone. We met and I showed him the country, he shared with me his big city. We began enjoying each other's worlds, and eventually brought our worlds together by marrying. Did I ever think that would happen? Not in a million years! Does that mean it shouldn't have happened? No! Do I feel that in any way diminishes George and my love for each other, what we had and shared, or that he will be sad that I remarried? No! George and I will be to each other what we always were, only we won't be married. I don't know how God works all this out, I don't understand it...I guess that's why someone asked Jesus about it, so we could know that things will be worked out in a different way than they are here. I leave that all in God's hands. I know that I could live another 40 years and I know I don't like being alone. I know that I don't want to be a burden on my kids, to look for them to fulfill my life and fill all the voids, in the way my mom has done with me and my siblings. Before George died, I thought I would just build a shrine to him (if/when he died) and talk to him and they'd eventually haul me away as "crazy". I could not imagine ever being with someone else. But you never know how things will be until it happens. A lot of things affect our decisions...our personality, whether we've been on our own before or not, how our relationship was, the length of relationship we had, our own fighting spirit and desires, our fears, so much comes in to play. George and I had this conversation once, only it was in reverse, it was if HE lost ME, and he told me he would probably have someone in his life again because he hated being alone (he knew himself and was realistic) but he would never marry again because "that was was my special place" and I replied by telling him, "Oh, George, you can't be that way. If she's the one in your life, making you happy, being by your side, it wouldn't be right to not marry her. I know I have that special place in your life, I know you love me, it'd be okay to love again." He didn't reply, I knew he took in what I said, I also knew he didn't want to hurt me or make me jealous. We always understood each other, we always wanted what was best for each other. So do you think he's unhappy in the least about my remarrying? No. I know him too well. He would want me to be happy. Am I happy in the same way as I was with him? How could I be? There is only one him! But I am happy in a different way, for different reasons, with a different person. Each person we love expands our lives. The things we miss about those who are gone are a tribute to their specialness, their uniqueness. I don't even look to replace those things, I accept they are gone, that I was fortunate to have had that.

Okay, this is a long answer, but it is a complex situation I am addressing, and I want to do it adequately if I can. Derek, what you are going through is so very normal. Yes, I went through that. We are used to being married. We didn't get a divorce, we didn't want out of it, we love and loved our spouse, we didn't ask for or want any of this to happen. We are accustomed to being faithful, so it's natural and normal to feel as if we are breaking their trust when we begin to develop affection for someone else. But we must remember that they are gone, we are alone, and what would we want for them if roles were reversed? There is no way in the world that I would want George to experience any of what I have gone through in the last couple of years,however, if he did, I would want him to not spend his life alone. I know I am special to him. I know no one can replace me. I know I will always be special to him. But I know that I would not want him to pine away over me and be miserable for 40 years. That is not love, that is ownership. I did not own him, I loved him, the same way he loved me, with unselfish and giving love.

As Doublejo said, whoever you develop a relationship with will be special in herself, different from Karen...you will have ups and downs as in any relationship. Don't write her off because f the situation, but give yourself time and don't rush into anything without really knowing your mind and heart either. I wish you the best Derek, you have a lot to give and anyone who gets you will be very fortunate indeed...you also already know to look to God for direction in your life.

Edited August 21, 2007 by kayc

[dpodesta]

Kayc,

I am glad that you responded, I was hoping that you would. I knew that you had gotten remarried recently. What you said makes so much sense and puts my mind at ease, at least for the time being. Thanks again.

Love always

Derek

[DoubleJo]

Hi Doublejo

Maybe its a bit early in my journey, but for now I cannot imagine me loving someone else. Doublejo at 6 months after losing your first husband, did you feel the way I do now?

Love, Erica

Erica: When my first husband died it was a relief after all the horrible tension. He had epilepsy and was in very dangerous situations with me in his last year. I needed to find myself again and see others. I cried over him though for years. I still do at times. After all we closely shared 27 years together. He still holds a special place in my soul and I feel his essence joined with me. However Curt was my soulmate. We were so much alike we even had the same food allergies!. Because of Curt I could relax and laugh. If I had closed myself off I would never had found Curt. Even though I am seeing a gentleman again, I do not feel the same as when John died. I am in no hurry to marry again. But without his company I could become sad, lonely, and missing out on lifes' surprises. I enjoy him.

Each situation is so unique as described by KayC . I wanted to remarry after John, now I don't but I certainly want a relationship with a man. This is a complement to my men. Had the relationships been sour I would be like many of the divorced: bitter and afraid of entanglements. My friend said I make him feel complete. That is a wonderful complement to hear.

You have much grief and anguish to deal with right now. Thoughts fly in and out. The pain and hurt has to be felt to be relieved. Each time you feel it you open a little window for it to fly away. Eventually the worst is gone.

Broken hearts sometimes get stronger when they have scar tissue.

Take care- Doublejo

[teny]

HI DEREK Im glad for you that you found some understanding and support .As I know you are a young meh and life is there for yyou to enjoy as much as you can ;I believe tha keren would like to see you happy ,YOU replayed to my posts almost every time I needed support .I wish luck for you and your litle one and hope you will be here for us telling your good news.TENY

[dpodesta]

Teny,

I have a passion for helping people, I will be here for a long time to help anyone that I can and to share how I have gotten through the worst thing that could have happened in my life. I pray that you will be able to find some peace through all of this.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

Derek,

I am glad that you said that...I have often wondered if people don't wonder why I am still coming on line here when I have remarried. It's not quite that simple, as people might think, to "move on"...as those of us know, we never completely do, but rather we learn to incorporate our past into our new present. I, too, care about people very much and want to be here for those who are experiencing what we have. I want them to see that it can get better eventually and that they are not crazy, that what they are going through is not unique just to them. And as we all know, we can do better for a long while, and then have a total meltdown day or regress and we need this site still, even if it appears we are doing much better. We all have our days...

[lorikelly]

I am so happy that you Derek and Kay still come back to this site. Also for all the other here b/c with out all of you, i might of not made it. it is so nice to see a post from someone who is longer on this journey then i, it gives me hope. THANK YOU to all of you , who have helped me. May God Bless each and everyone of you. Lori

[Stallyn]

Hi all, just my two cents, I don't see myself settling down again after my loss, she was my life and now its gone, I cannot fathom falling in love again, the time passed has showed me that my marriage fulfilled the strong desire, now I don't feel that need anymore, I hope for some input in this, perhaps it will change??

William

[dpodesta]

William,

When I was at 6 months, I thought the same thing. I could not imagine being with someone else, I had given my heart to Karen and that was it. As time went on you start longing for compaionship again, that special touch from someone. Are my feelings for this person different? Yes. I can never feel the same way for someone else like what I felt for Karen. However that doesn't mean I can't love someone else. The love will be different in its own way. I think a lot of us during the begining tend to think that if we love someone else, then we will be forgetting or replacing our loved one. If you find the right person they will be accepting of your relationship and they will realize how much the person that died is and always will be a part of you. William just remember, you are still new in this process, you are just now coming out of the shock of what is happened. For now just live one day at a time.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

I agree with everything Derek said. No one will ever replace George but we have to make something of the rest of our lives. We aren't ready in the beginning to look at that and some people never will, and that choice is individual and okay no matter how you choose to cope with it. Time does change how you feel and I don't think someone who is new to this should even go there.

[Stallyn]

Derek, KayC,

I think you set me straight, no I am not ready for a relationship for sure, I will wait however long it takes I suppose, if my fate differs from my what is desired I am open to it. Definitely lonely for sure...

Your friend,

William

[kayc]

Stallyn,

If/when you are ready, you will know it. I do know that it is easy to rush it when we hurt so much and are so lonely...but that comes with a price. It is not something to be feared...just not something to rush. Let life occur naturally, not forced.