Hello I Am New

[WendyJ]

Suzanne I think you and I are right at the same point. When did you lose Will again? I have been driving his truck the last few weeks as winter is approaching and it is 4-wheel drive but even though I started it here and there there are problems with it. I drive a PT Cruiser Convertable and will have problems with the big snows we get here in Jersey. What state are you in? Going through Steve's clothes and other personal things is going to be tough I know, goodness I haven't even emptied his dirty clothes hamper, but I know I will get to it in time. But the tools and stuff I know he has alot of nice things and expensive things and I don't know what is what or is worth what and don't want strangers coming her to look at these things and ripping me off. I managed to redo the mortgage in just my name, that was very hard. I know I have to take each day at a time and stop looking at the big picture but my Holidays are ruined forever, this was our favorite time of year from now thru Christmas and I just don't know what to do to get thru them. My daughter and her boyfriend have been doing the yard for me on their only day to see eachother as he lives in another state and soon there will be the leaves and then snow. I don't even know how to use the snow blower !!!

Wendy

[karenb]

You know, you guys, I am further along in this and if it's any help this is how it went with me. Jack's death was sudden and immediate with no good-byes or anything. He just said, "I love you. See you later." As you know there's the numbness, shock, being "in space," continually crying and all the rest of it. When it happened they put me in Emergency and when they let me out my daughter stayed with me for a week. When things died down, months later, I had all his stuff, tools, an arsenal of hunting (we hunted together), absolute tons of fishing stuff (we fished together), tools all over (new ones he'd never even used yet) and, of course, all his personl things. I got a list of what to do with paperwork and took one at a time, resolved it, and filed the rest. Every time I called on something, the nicer people were, the more I cried, but I got through it. I also had to sell our ocean property, our 5th Wheel, a truck, a small boat and trailer.....one step at a time but I did that, too, and I made it. Then my grandaughter, who is a missionary and trying to make money for another mission trip, said it's garage sale time. I researched all the tools (many, many of them) and put on the prices. That was horribly difficult but I really did plod through that as well. I made about $1,000, my son sent me air fare and got me a condo for a week near him in Kauai, Hawaii, and I took the $1,000 and spent it in Kauai on gifts, food, wine. I have a charity I donate to, the Blind, so I called them and gave them a lot of his clothes. I kept his slippers, all his baseball hats, his leather jacket, the red nightshirt (I wear at Christmas) and a box of his "treasures." All this has come slowing over the last two years and about two months and came when the feeling was right. I'm sure these things will happen with you guys. My holidays are very bleak but I have a son who has schitzophrenia (he's older) so I need to be okay for him and my other two grown children and 2 grandchildren. It's important to me that they see a strong and loving grandma and so that's just what I do. The lumps in the throat are still there and I'm terribly lonely without my wonderful husband but that's just the way it is and I have to live with it. I care a lot for all of you and it feels good to give you a little bit of me. Thanks, and I hope you guys can "muddle" through this like I have.

Your friend....Karen

P.S. I know how to add oil, gas, and charge the battery in my riding mower, go to Jiffy Lube to keep my '99 Explorer Sport going, and a multitude of other yard and household tasks that he used to handle. I sure don't like it but what's there to do?

[Stallyn]

Hi my dear friends, well I rid of her clothes and knick knacks too soon, a week after her death as it was unbearably painful except I kept a few shirts she loved and some shoes, which I now regret, I hardly touched her bathroom, the tub still has her stuff in it and the metal posters she loved, with the refrigerator magnets still in place. Oh God our song came on the radio right now, wouldn't be nice if we can forfeit Christmas and other holidays for awhile than to live through the memories which are only so? I sold her car a month after and sold my car few weeks later and bought a truck, but still seems shes sitting with me, its such difficult having one choice to move on and nothing else, Wendy, you and I have the same month to contend with, I pray that it will be so far away from us to think about right now. We have each other and that is a huge blessing, such wonderful we have such a small world her to gather around and share our hearts and sorrow without shame or rebuke, I pray right at this moment that we will find the peace that each of us needs so much and continue our journey with each others support and love,

Your friend,

William

[dpodesta]

When it comes to getting rid of their clothes, take your time. You will know when you are ready. I am just past 17 months and just a couple of weeks ago I had her sister and nieces come over to go through the stuff they wanted and then take the rest for a garage sale that they were having. Don't let anyone rush you into getting rid of it, do it when you are ready. I have several pictures that are around, but I have a hard time looking at them, too many emotions involved.

As far as the tools, what I recommend is to look on E-bay and you can use the ones listed as a guide for his stuff and put it up for sale that way.

The first holidays were tough and March was our anniversary so that was also tough. Just try and take it one holiday at a time, if you try and think about them all at once it will drive you nuts.

Love always

Derek

[Stallyn]

Karen, your experience gives me wisdom, its awesome to know more about you Derek, you are so right, I don't know what came into me to do what I did, perhaps it was desperation, if I only knew six months ago

William

[dpodesta]

William,

People act differently during these types of situations. You did what you though was right at the time. I have heard for a long time though if you can help it don't make any major changes during the first year. You need that time to figure out who you are. When you marry, your spouse and you become one. You lose part of yourself and so do they. Then when all of a sudden we don't have the other half, we are left with only a part of ourselves and we need time to relearn who we are. I know that sometimes we have to make changes in our lives due to circumsatnces but if we can avoid it then all the better. In the begining my dad asked me if I wanted my step mom to get rid of the clothes while she was staying with me the first couple of weeks. I said "No", in my mind, it would have been worse to come home and all of her stuff be gone and the closet half empty. I needed the time to gradually get rid of her stuff. I had to come to a point where I was needing the room and the only way to make the room was to move her stuff out. I still live in the house that we were buying, I work on some remodeling projects that we had started before she died. She never got to see the finished work, but I know she saw it.

Love always

Derek

[suzanne]

Wendy, Karen & William

Thank you for your replys. I lost Will on March 2nd at 10:00 AM. Actually he is not lost, I know exactly where he is I just can't get there yet. I won't do away with his clothes anytime soon although I've been told that is the best thing to do. Not for me. My neighbor across the street lost his wife over a year ago and her sisters decided the best thing for him would be to have a yard sale. He had a nervous breakdown right in the middle of it and spent the next 30 days in the hospital. Will and I talked about it at the time and we both said it was too soon. As far as the tools, guns etc I'm not ready for that either. His car along with his golf clubs I gave to his son who has not spoken to me since I demanded he get the title out of my name. When the free stuff ran out so did he. That's a different story which I won't get into. Nothng that I didn't expect anyway. I was prepared for that. Anyway I live in Nashvile, TN. Many thanks to everyone here for your kindness and support. That's all that gets me through the day right now. And please forgive me when I say the wrong things, I am on such a short fuse right now.

Suzanne

[dpodesta]

Suzanne,

Like I told William, you know when it is best to get his clothes out if there and only you. Don't let anyone tell you what is best, they don't know even if they have been through this before they still don't know. Each person is different in how they handle this. You leave his clothes and things right where he left them until you are ready. I still haven't changed her alarm clock, it is still sitting at 4:30 am that was set for us to get up to go on vacation. That was her last day on this Earth. The time has slowly gotten off and even during time changes I won't change it. All this and it has been 17 months. I am sure there will be a day when I will change it, but not just yet. Take care and listen to your heart, it will tell you when you ar ready.

Love always

Derek

[Stallyn]

Derek,

I admit I done some stupid things days after, I tried to kill myself and ranted to a former friend, whom turned me in to the police, then I took her shoes and purses to a yard sale he was having just to get ripped off by him, I lost my patience with him and we no longer talk due to the incident which I thought was disrespectful of my wife. I haven't found myself quite yet but I renewed some old hobbies to keep me out of the mental heath system.

Suzanne, I can relate to the disappearing acts of those we thought we knew, their TRUE selves show their colors at the worst time in our lives, I don't interpret you having a short fuse, you are human and expressing how you feel here, thats OK, you are doing good with yourself here Smile ok??

Blessings,

William

[dpodesta]

I went back to smoking after having quit for 13 years and heavily drinking. I thought about killing myself often, but then I would think of my 7 year old son and knew that I couldn't do that to him. Basically I went back to my old self before I met Karen. As time went on my drinking slowed back to normal and just recently I was able to quit smoking again. It does take time and I am pretty close to realizing who I am again. I have learned to be ok with being a single parent. Just give yourself time.

Love always

Derek

[suzanne]

William

Thank you. I don't think I have made a good decision since March 2nd sometimes I question if I made the right ones that day. I know Will did not want to be on a respirator to keep him alive when all hope is gone. We had talked about that and he had a living will. I just never thought I would have to make that decision for him. I pray so I made the right one, it is so final.

Suzanne

[Stallyn]

Suzanne,

I had to make the decision to put Myrna in hospice and at the last moment force my self to let her go to her homeland to pass on, Though time passes we think we made bad choices but our love for them guided us to make the best decision possible, I regretted for months and concluded that it was love and the best for her. Such choices are so far and few between that makes it difficult.

Derek,

I have done the same, started smoking heavily weeks before her death, and became

reckless, it was tough for me since I am alone, but I tried to think to myself, would Myrna approve me doing what I did, and last month I sought treatment for smoking. thanks for telling me what you did, I don't feel as crazy as once thought

[dpodesta]

Suzanne,

I am sure that was a tough descision, but know that is what he wanted. Don't beat yourself up over it.

William,

I had to get a medication to help me quit, but it worked very well. I still want a cigerette at times but it had almost been 3 months. You aren't crazy, there are others that have had the same thoughts as you and I, it is hard to imagine going on in life without our spouses, but with the help of God and the people on this site we will get through it.

Love always

Derek

[WendyJ]

Derek, William and Suzanne,

I feel such a closeness with you guys, I think we have all really bonded in the last few days and it is unreal that we all lost our spouces in March. Derek what month did you lose your wife? Well I think I will be selling Steve's truck after the winter, the guys I work with will replace the exhaust for me next week but they said the frame is pretty bad ( 95 Honda Passport ) They picked his motorcycle up 2 weeks ago and have detailed it and will be putting it up for sale, I could not be here when they took it. Oh, I am the Controller for Denville Bear & Body Service (auto body repair) and Black Label Choppers). I will tell you the story of my husbands bike. Steve has had motorcycles since he was a young kid, but when he became disabled because of the circulation problem with his leg it became very difficult for him to shift and he slowly gave up one of the hobbies he most treasured. One day I happened to be with him and he had to stop at the motorcycle shop for a couple parts to fix up the bike he had to sell, and he was admiring all the bikes. Well he sat on a 2005 Yamaha Road Star Limited addition (only 1600 made)and it had what is called a heal and toe shifter which is something that would be very comfortable for him and he would be able to ride again. We left the shop and I could not get out of my mind how he glowed while he was sitting on that bike. The next day at work I called up our investment firm and told them I wanted to withdraw money out and used my connections in the motorcycle world to have one of the shops have that exact bike ready that afternoon to my specifications. I made up a story to get him there and I had them but a big bow on it in the show room with a sign that said sold and our last name. He immediately walked over to the bike and said to me "This is just like the one I showed you last night only this is exactly the way I would have wanted it" so I said " Really, hmm the bike is sold look at the sold sign" Well I don't think I have ever seen my husband go so pale and he actually cried and kept saying he was dizzy. He kept thinking he was dreaming and couldn't stop hugging and kissing me. He loved that bike so so much and I am so glad I did that for him. It is breaking my heart to sell that bike but I can not ride it as it is 1600cc and way too heavy for me and I no longer ride anyway. I will be so sad when it sells and the guys at the shop are having a hard time too as they used to ride with him. Anyhow I am sorry I have rambled and I really need to get to bed. I will check in with you guys tomorrow. Enjoy the rest of your night !

Hugs,

Wendy

P.S. I quit smoking somehow right after losing a cousin in the World Trade Center on 9-11 and losing my boss on 9/20 and my father-in-law on 9/25. My boss died of pancratic cancer and made me promise that I would quit when he died. I no longer have a desire to go back and losing my Steve was the real test for me. If I didn't go back then I knew that was it. Hardest damn thing I ever did going cold turkey after smoking for over 30 years. I loved to smoke and when I quit had to go on Effexor as I no longer could control my stress. Still on it to this day !

[dpodesta]

Wendy,

What a wonderful story, don't worry about rambeling it is nice to hear those stories that make us who we are. Karen died April 6th of last year. We were arriving at the hotel at Disney World, when she went to get up out of her seat to get off the bus, she collasped from a heart attack. As time goes on here you will find bonds with people here, I have several that we e-mail back and forth and there is one who I call on the phone every now and then. We met once while I was traveling through her state, it was neat to finally put a face with the person I had been talking with. I think this is the most talking I have done on this site in quite awhile, it has been a pleasure especially conneecting with people who understand what I am going through.

Love always

Derek

[Stallyn]

Derek, by chance did you take the new drug chantix? I tried the patch to no avail, I could not see myself going without God and this site together, anything else than that would’ve been despair beyond the help of any medical doctor. I am saddened by what happened with you and Karen,

Suzanne, thank you and what such a beautiful gesture towards your husband, since you mentioned it, I feel like a connection has been made with us here, Never really thought it was likely but its like sitting down and sharing the innermost

feelings between us all here.

Blessings,

William

[WendyJ]

Well Derek April 6th is awful close to March by my books so we all lost someone at the same time only Derek you are alittle ahead of us. William I think but I am not sure about the gesture towards my husband if you meant me, thanks ! Please don't think guys I was telling this to make myself look good or anything I just wanted to share how difficult it was for me to tell the guys to take it and try to sell it for me, that bike has such special meaning and I am so glad he got to enjoy it for a couple years. I feel like part of him is in that bike but it will do nobody any good just sitting in the barn so I must sell it. Well my friends it has been a long weekend and I am very tired and I have found if I don't get good sleep before work I get more emotional that usual so I must get into bed. I pray that I will see Steve in my dreams ! Talk to you tomorrow.

Good Nite,

Wendy

[Stallyn]

Oh yes I meant you Wendy, It's not boasting, you indicating the experiences you have had and enduring, It was hard selling my wifes car too, she loved that car! Someone will appreciate the quality and love that bike has invested in it good nite all.

William

[dpodesta]

William,

Yes, it was Chantix. It was the easiest way to stop smoking to me. All of the other times I quit were very difficult but this seemed so easy. You are supposed to take it for 3 months, however for me the medication caused sleeplessness and after several weeks I couldn't take not getting that much sleep so I stop with just the first month. As far as this site and God, I agree, I couldn't have made it with out them. I didn't feel God's presence during the first few months, but looking back now I know he was carrying me even when I didn't think he was anywhere close.

Wendy,

I agree with William, it wasn't boasting, it was just sharing an experience.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

I also went through these same things and I know it is hard. Could you enlist someone's help with some of these things? My son showed me how to start the riding lawnmower and serviced my pickup for me. The sink stopped up really bad and a guy from the church got someone to help him work on it and they unclogged it. He also rebuilt the ramp and rails that George had just dismantled (he'd died before he could rebuild it). Those things meant so much to me! I would say, don't give their things away until you feel ready and you will know when it is time and it can be little by little, it doesn't have to be all at once. George's closet rod broke and all of the clothes came tumbling down and I took that as a sign and bundled up his things to give to Sponsors, a ministry that helps those who are getting out of prison (and have nothing) to integrate back into society. I knew that was what he'd want done with them, many of his clothes and things (wallet, etc.) went to a young man we had written to the entire time of his incarceration...I have become "Mom" to him and we were all he had. However, I cleaned out George's trailer and got rid of it way too soon. I remember having to do it by myself (I should have waited for my daughter or someone to be with me) and I cried so loud you could hear me a couple blocks away! I did so to give the trailer to a man who had helped me sell George's car, so he could use the trailer with his wife and daughter over the summer...however, even though my intentions were good, I should not have attempted to do such a thing so soon, it was one of the hardest things I did. That trailer was so much him, filled with his belongings, it was what he stayed in often during the week as he commuted to work so far away. I should have been kinder to myself and listened to my feelings and given myself more time. In most cases, there is no hurry for getting rid of things, with the exception of something you can't afford to make payments on or pay insurance on. As for pictures, leave them up or take them down, whichever brings you the most comfort. Perhaps you'll choose to take them down but put them in an easy to reach place where you can reach for them when you want to rather than being hit with them at every turn. But the important thing is to listen to your heart and heed it about what is best for you because we all handle it differently. There isn't a right or wrong way, only a right or wrong way for YOU!

Be very very kind to yourself, these are difficult days and you need all the grace you can muster to get through it. We are praying for you.

Wendy,

Thank you for sharing that story with us about your husband and the bike...I'm glad you did that for him, and no matter what it cost, it was worth it. Those are the precious memories that no one can take away from us!

Edited September 17, 2007 by kayc

[WendyJ]

Kay,

Thank you for your post and you are so right ! But you see it is in my personality to worry about the future and things that haven't happened yet or may not even happen. See Steve and I always complimented eachother so when he worried about something I would unworry him and vice versa and I have nobody now to do that. I have to learn to stop worrying so much and just live day to day except for things that you must think about down the road such as retirement, investments etc. I have learned now from Steve's passing that as careful as you may be you still can't prevent things from happening, I could be sitting here stressing over selling Steve's tools and get killed in a car accident on the way home today and them wasted all that time worrying for nothing. (Does that make sense?)

Wendy

P.S. what is guided mode at the bottom here and don't we have spell check?

[dpodesta]

If we have spell check, I haven't found it yet as I am the world's worst speller. I to am a worryer, I always have been. Since Karen's death, I have found that I don't worry as much as I used to. I think some of it is because I feel like I have a closer relationship with God, the other part like you said, we aren't guarrenteed tomorrow I don't want to sit and worry about tomorrow and then something happen to me and then I would have wasted all of that time worring instead of enjoying life.

Matthew 6:25 says... 25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I know a lot of times it is easier said than done, but it is possible with help from above.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

I too am a worrier. I find that I worry a lot about losing John (to death)...he purchased a semi truck and is working on it and wants to eventually go out on the road and take me with him and I find that just gives me a lot more to worry about...I worry about what if he dies and is in Timbuktu and and I don't drive trucks, how will I get back home? And all the complicated finances with marriage that has grown children in it...we still don't have a will and I worry about that. But then I can worry about anything. If you want a break from it, send me a topic and I will worry about it for you! Seriously, Derek is right, in the grand scheme of things, what does most of it matter? If I lose everything I own, what does it really matter? God is there, and He'll take care of me...not that we can take a Pollyanna attitude and we do need to be responsible and make plans, but beyond that, there are some things we can't control and need to let go of. I know, we need to do a will, that would at least be one less thing to worry about, and if he would give me the name of someone to call or what to do, I could relax about that. I like to find solutions wherever I can so I can move on to something new to worry about!

Spellcheck...see the red crinkly line under a word? Right click on the word and it'll give you other possible spellings or words.

Edited September 17, 2007 by kayc

[dpodesta]

Kayc,

My screen doesn't show the red crinkly line under it while I am writing on this site. As far as being stranded, if you are in the North Texas area I will come and pick you up.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

"My screen doesn't show the red crinkly line under it while I am writing on this site." Maybe you don't make any mistakes! Mine shows them while I am typing but they go away after it's posted.

"As far as being stranded, if you are in the North Texas area I will come and pick you up." Thanks, now if I can just cover the rest of the states...

Edited September 17, 2007 by kayc