Another Weekend By Myself

[Gail_R]

Well here is another weekend and I'm by myself. Why is it that the last few weeks have been so hard? It is 9 months since Bruce passed away but the pain has been so intense these last few weeks. I am having a hard time sleeping again and a really hard time with just getting myself to do the things that have to be done around the house. Housework and some of you will laugh but it was samething that I loved to do like passing the vacum Bruce use to laugh and say that I loved it more then him. But now it takes very thing I have to get it done. I don't know about you guy's but weekend I just hate them if not for my kidds I would be all by myself. This is not how I thought that my life would be going to visit my loved Bruce at his grave. As I sit here and type this I am crying it hurts so much somethimes I just wigh that I could die and then I think of my kids and that would be so unfair for them to loss their mother so soon after their dad. So I can hear Bruce say come on Gail it's OK you can do this the kids need you so I wipe my tears and I will keep going . Thanks for being here for me and helping me get thriw another day. Gail

[karenb]

Gail...Hang in there, girl. You're right we do have our children, and where would we be without them. Try and make yourself do some things, even if you don't want to. Sometimes things can become a habit and maybe you'll find something you like to do. You never know. I used to be pretty good at photography and photo editing when Jack was here. Now I hardly touch the camers, but it's there waiting for me to come back. I have found a few other things that sort of interest me, but it took a while. You'll start coming back and be very surprised when you enjoy something again. It will happen.

Your friend, Karen

[DesertBob]

Gail,

Had to laugh about what you said regarding house work. I have done most of it for the past 3 or 4 years but it has been on life support since Linda died. And work ... in my line of work the ratio of effort to earnings can vary a lot ... it is a life-saver that since last Spring I've had one of those plum contracts where the effort required is low, the interest level of the work is high, and the pay is close to a dream. Even so, I have to flog myself most days to get anything done.

I also have been, to borrow and pervert a phrase from (I think) CS Lewis, "surprised by grief". Based on prior losses and on the relatively expected and planned-for nature of Linda's death, I did not really expect this all-consuming process. But it seems to have opened a whole can of worms. Linda's ashes are at least twenty feet from where I work, under the Ironwood tree in the front yard per her request, so if I need to visit her, I can do it any time. Although at some times of the day it's not as private as an actual gravesite.

Anyway Gail, I let the pain hit me and roll with it ... sometimes I am a basket case for a few days. What else can you do?

Strength to you ...

--Bob

[kayc]

Gail,

I don't know what to say, I remarried even and am STILL alone! Don't look to me for any answers! I am about the most un-together person I know, in spite of the fact that I try so hard!

It's interesting that Bob should quote from C.S. Lewis, of all of the Christians I have read, C.S. Lewis seems one of the most human to me, one of the ones a person can relate to. Why? Because he was touched by love, loss, and grief. It made him human. Without it he might have been just another pompous intellectual with no real basis in reality. But when he fell in love, it changed his life and his heart did not belong to him any longer...like the rest of us. I have loved to read his thoughts when he went through his experience.

I am sorry you are having a hard time, the weekends are tough. Take care and when you're lonely, come on line here and post, there's always others here, listening and feeling a little less alone for someone else that is going through the same thing.

KayC

[AnnieO]

Gail,

I am sorry things are so hard and sad for you.

I just wanted to tell you, Bruce is right..you have to do this for your kids.

I am probably ALOT older than your kids but I just lost both parents in 10 months and as hard as this is for me, I can't imagine it happening to younger kids. Your kids need you. As my dad was dying I kept thinking how badly I needed my mom, but she was already gone. I miss them so much I can't breathe.

You and your family are in my thoughts.

[suzanne]

Gail

I am so sorry you are in such a bad place. Weekends are TERRIBLE. I as well have such a hard time to do the things I need to do around the house. I just don't have the energy and at times don't even care. That is such a small thing at the present. My dust bunnies are a plenty now I'm sure. Let your children be of comfort to you now. They need you. I went from having a husband, three step children, eight grandchildren (stepchildren and grandchildren went like rats on a sinking ship) and parents. Now I am down to me and my mother in a matter of months. But she is a saint to me and a shining example of strength and courage and I am thankful that I have her still with me. I pray for each of us daily to get through this, one day at a time as they say.

Suzanne

[Gail_R]

Thanks to all of you. It is so nice to have people that care and know what it is that I am going through. Annie my kids are 30,27,24. I am 49 was married at 18 and Bruce was 23. We where very young when we started our family. I like that I an come here and say whatever I need to say and not have to worry that it will hurt my kids. They are all I have left of Bruce. He was the love of my life and I his. So again I would like to say thank you all for being here for me. Gail

[kayc]

Gail,

I so understand how you're feeling, only it has to be doubly hard since you literally spent your entire lives together.

Someone used to sign their posts "This is not the life I ordered" and I thought how apropo that was. This is not the life I ordered either...it is not the life any of us ordered. That is one thing we all have in common. I try not to think too much about how my expectations, hopes, and dreams have been dashed, and I try to concentrate on rebuilding my life, but it's hard. This weekend John has to work, he was told at the last minute, and I am stuck in Oakridge taking care of my granddog, so we don't get to see each other. I cried, it is hard to be in a marriage where you can't be together. I wonder why it is that no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to have a normal conventional life like other people do. Other people can be married until they're old and they get to live together and have breakfast and dinner together, but not me. Other people, if they have blended families, get to meet each others kids and have an actual relationship, but not me. Other people aren't alone on Friday night with nothing to look forward to or enjoy, but not me. No, this is not the life any of us ordered. I was happy once, blissfully happy. Now I just try to accept things...and once in a while I let myself cry. You are right, it is good that we can come on line here and voice ourselves, we need that.

[Stallyn]

Gail,

Its hard to motivate yourself by yourself and we have more time to think about the loss when before we lived life as no tomorrow, and now what??

I used to stay home with my wife and do nothing, at the time I hated it, now I miss it so much, now every friday I am thinking, man is this life or is it hell?

My life was always abnormal, but now its whos gonna call me and ask how am I? I have no children, had a good life like Kay said and we all got robbed, looking back, I was much happier then than I am today or tomorrow, heck I don't remember happiness or bliss, but we have each other right??

[Gail_R]

Kay I have to say that you are right it seem doubly hard because Bruce and I where together at such a young age. But I most say that I was blessed to have had him as my husband. We came from very different back grounds and yet I think that we were meet to be. He was my one and only love as sad as it is that he is gone at such a young age I am so happy that I was his wife for 30 years. With out him I would not be who I am today and for that I that god each and everyday that he brought Bruce and Me together. We had a wonderful life and a lfe that I wish with all of my heart that we still did. But I guess that it was not to be. I have posted before and told everyone that in May I will be a grandma for the first time and that is something to be very thankful for just wish that Bruce could be here but I believe that he is looking out for us, if I could not believe that then I don't think that I could do this without him. Today is one of thous hard day's as saturday is the day that Bruce passed away. Sometimes I think that maybe there where signs and we just didn't see them, I don't know but it is not a thing that we can change he is in my heart and on my mind each and everyday. Thank you for helping me get through another day. Gail

[WendyJ]

Isn't it amazing that the one thing that we all always loved and looked forward to we now dread and hate.....the weekends. I still love the fact that I can go to bed when I want and get up when I want but Steve and I always loved our weekends to stay up late and watch movies and get up the next morning and have coffee and breakfast together and read the papers and just chill and do a few things around the house. What I wouldn't give to have those days back, to have him to joke around with and watch television together and come home after a long day and walk in the house and smell coffee brewing and discuss our day together. Or have one of his wonderful dinners and tell him how good it was. Okay I must stop now as this is making me very upset. I am dwelling on what can no longer be and it hurts !

Love,

Wendy

[Gail_R]

Wendy I know that it hurts but is not great that we do have these memories. Without them where would we be. Like Bruce and I, I think that you and Steve must of had a GREAT MARRIAGE and that we can be very thankful. Hope that your day gets better. I just got a call from my daughter and she asked me to go and do a little shopping with and I think that I will. So with that said I had better go and get ready. Take care of youreslf and know that I am thinking about you. Gail

[DesertBob]

Kayc,

My daughter calls this the "white picket fence fantasy". I think sometimes other people's lives appear much more perfect and to their liking than they really are. The way most people handle their disappointments it not to look at them. We, on the other hand, are forced to have our noses rubbed in them. I'm not sure why. Some would say there are really only two kinds of people in this world ... those who allow life to break them, and those who fight it.

When I was a teen there was a (very) elderly couple in my neighborhood named Floyd and Mabel, whose lawn I used to mow. One day Mabel served Floyd some eggs and toast and they sat down to eat. Suddenly, matter-of-factly, Floyd turned and said, "Mabel?" "Yes dear?" she replied. "I'm dying", he announced, and fell face forward into his eggs and was gone.

That is the dream: marry young, love all your life, end it in companionable silence, die quickly and mercifully. A few get to live it, the vast majority don't.

With the possible exception of Floyd and Mabel, I've not known a single person who is satisfied with their life thus far. So at least I don't feel picked on.

--Bob

Gail,

...Other people can be married until they're old and they get to live together and have breakfast and dinner together, but not me.

[Gail_R]

Hi all well the weekend is almost done so with that said I guess we all got through another one. I don't know about you guy's but I think that Sunday's are one of the hardest in the week at lest for me. That was that only day that Bruce did not work so it was the day that we spent together. God how I miss him . Today I was so lazy that I did not get up until 11:00 and that is something that I have not done since Bruce die but then I have not been sleeping very well for the last few weeks. Think that I need to get myself out of this funk that I have been in for the last few weeks just not to sure how to do it. Any suggestions? Well again thank you to all who have helped me and still are. Gail

[DesertBob]

Well as we say on the Internet, YMMV (your mileage may vary) but last week was mega-funk week for me (God Help Anyone Who Crossed My Path!) and so I forced myself to close down shop early Friday and drive across town for a totally mindless grand-opening event of a new Apple Computer store AND the upscale mall it was located in. Didn't buy a thing, just strolled the mall and people-watched.

Saturday I made myself ingest a "comfort food" breakfast at Cracker Barrel, took a long walk, caught up on some paperwork back home, and this afternoon I'm going to a concert.

All of this might have backfired but in the main, today I am starting to feel like part of the human race and like I have some kind of a life instead of wandering around like a wraith with half of my soul ripped out. I'm sure it won't last but at least it shows it's possible to "live", at least for some given value of "live".

I guess my suggestion boils down to, "do some nice things for yourself". This is the time to learn to be your own best friend. I like me pretty well if I do say so myself. I never yell at me, always understand what I mean (well almost always) and I can always count on me to look out for me. Sometimes in marriage we let the other person carry that ball and forget that we can in fact carry it for ourselves, and quite well -- even if it's not our first choice. And perhaps we refuse to carry it for ourselves because we are afraid of cheapening the memory of our beloved. So far, it seems to me, I love her just as much, but maybe some of the missing her has been converted to appreciating her, which is a tad more productive.

--Bob

[Corinne]

Bob,

Once again beautifully put. This past week was horrible for me also. I kept finding myself getting more and more depressed and accomplishing nothing. I woke up this morning and decided that it has to stop before it consumes me. I took a shower and got to cleaning. It is very easy to fall into depression and let it take over, much easier it sometimes seems than fighting to keep your head above water. Last night I looked through a huge box of photos from my life with Jimmy (have not been able to do that in almost 11 yrs.) It actually made me remember what it was like to be happy and made me realize that is the life that I want. Life is sometimes too short, as we all know, and I do not want my girls to remember me unhappy and grouchy all the time. I do not know if I can do this, but I am going to give it my best shot. I want to feel true joy and happiness again and I want my girls to remember me with a smile. I am now going to take them to the pet store for some new fish as a reward for helping me clean and a little reward for me also.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[Gail_R]

Hello everyone well it's Monday a start of a new week. This had better be better then the last few. Got up had breakfast and starting cleaning the house so that is a good thing. Just sitting here reading some of the post for the last few days and I think that we all feel the same about weekends. They were the part of the week that we all look forward too and now we dread them so manybe someday we will look forward to them again. This week I have decided to get some of my spring cleaning done as I did not get it done in the spring so I guess I should call it fall cleaning. Bruce of very proud of all the hard work we put into keeping our place nice so I had better make him proud of me and get my butt in gear and get somethings done. Thank guy's for being here for me. Gail

[lyn]

Reading the new posts brought so much joy to my heart. I am proud of u guys..i hope we will continue to be gentle with ourselves.

[kayc]

I used to be very satisfied with my life, I was very happy with George. Granted, some of it may have been due to illusion, however, I was nonetheless, happy. I think of myself as neither happy nor unhappy now. I am trying to learn to be content with just myself. I too spent the entire weekend completely alone. My kids are busy with their own lives. I stayed home and made cards all weekend until my back and neck hurt from standing and bending over. I didn't get everything done that I wanted to, my yard still has limbs that need picked up, my house still needs dusted, but I accomplished a lot. I used some of the time to catch up with family via telephone. Yes I still miss George. I miss John too when I can't see him (he'd planned on coming but at the last minute was told he'd have to work). So I am learning from a single friend of mine, he is 65 and never been married...he is learning to enjoy things (by himself) in the moment. It's funny, there was an incredible sky Friday night with a full moon hung just perfectly crested in the mountains and the trees silhouetted against the azure blue sky, the smell of trees assailing your senses, all up and down the street as I walked the dogs...and I thought, it'd sure be nice to have someone to share this with, someone to nudge and say, "Look at that!" but since there is no one, I will enjoy it myself. I later found out he looked at the same sky and said and felt the exact same thing! I am trying to learn to enjoy what IS.

Edited October 29, 2007 by kayc

[DesertBob]

Well put, Kayc, and what else can you do, because what "is", is all we ever have anyway. It's never entirely satisfactory and if you wait for it to become so, you'll miss out on what you can manage to wring from life.

My Linda modeled this, and it was how she transcended all her many difficulties, losses and illnesses. I am still learning it.

--Bob

...it'd sure be nice to have someone to share this with, someone to nudge and say, "Look at that!" but since there is no one, I will enjoy it myself. I later found out he looked at the same sky and said and felt the exact same thing! I am trying to learn to enjoy what IS.

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I too hate weekends, During the week I am with the family but as soon as Friday night comes it's like puff the family dissappears and I am all alone again... I used to be able to go out to the local mall but I just do not seem like I want to do anything anymore... I lay on the couch and become the biggest couch potato... You would think since it has been over two years I would have met someone or became more indepent about doing things but I am not and I am just so frustrated with being a couch potato... Take care Shelley

[karenb]

Hi Shelley,

I know it's hard to be alone. I have found myself making choices I don't want to, getting out, doing things, joining, etc. because I don't think it's good for me to be idle. Maybe you, also, need to make some choices you feel will be good for you, and this may be the weekend you'll do just that. Think about it, anyway....you have come a long way like so many of us here so let's just keep going, okay? Hang in there, girl! Let us know how it goes.

Your friend, Karen

[Gail_R]

Hi Shelley I have not been without Bruce 2 years yet . It has only been a little over 9 month but I know what you mean. My youngest son still lives with me so I'm not by myself that much. He will stay home to keep my company that makes me feel guilty as he is only 27 so I tell him to go out and see his friend that I will be ok. But when I'm alone I hate it. I start to feel depressed and cry. So I have decieded to start to make myself do things and i think I will start this weekend. If only to put Madison (dog) in the car and take her to the walking trails and then go to Tim Hurtons for coffee and her timbits. Take care of yourself Shelley. Gail

[LarrysGirl]

Shelly, just wanted to let you know at 2 yrs. you and I sound alot alike. I'll be coming to 2 yrs. on the 16th of this month. I walk my dogs some, do yard work, etc. but its not a life. I don't feel like having one without the man I love. I guess we all have to do this in our own time.

Gail, I know you dread the weekends, we all do. Its a reminder of seeing families and couples together enjoying life. I can't tell you it gets better with time but I'm sure its a good idea to try and get out some, it would probably do you good in the long run. Deborah

[kayc]

Shelly,

Can you try to do something you enjoy doing? Cooking, crafts, shopping, reading, hiking, whatever it is you used to like to do. Try going to someone's house or inviting someone over. I know what it is to be isolated and it's not good.

I say "used to" because I know nothing holds the same allure for you when you're depressed and it's easy to be depressed after such a huge loss in our lives. Something physical or creative is invigorating and helps us to come alive again.

I hope you have a good weekend!

KayC