New Grief On Top Of Old - Feels Like Too Much

[KathyG]

Hi, everyone,

I'm posting to this forum for the first time after finding it through Hospice of the Valley. Reading through the previous posts, I have the feeling that this is a warm, supportive place where people talk openly about grief and share suggestions for dealing with it.

That's exactly what I need right now. Eighteen days ago, I lost my precious husband, Bill. He had been on life support for four days after suffering a massive heart attack, after which he never regained consciousness. In the middle of the night before he passed, the nurses at hospice called to tell me he was near death - but I had already seen him die once and couldn't bear to see it again.

This is my third major loss in the past two years. My mother died in August 2005, and then at this time last year my little cocker spaniel (my baby) passed away in her sleep. I was still mourning both of them, but felt like things were finally getting a little easier. And then Bill had his heart attack.

I can't describe this pain to anyone who hasn't experienced it, but I know you forum members have already been there. The other posts here reassure me that many of the things I've been going through - the wild mood swings, chronic fatigue, irritability, etc. - are normal grief reactions and I'm not losing my mind. But I've been through so much, and though they say God does not give you more than you can stand, I think he must believe I'm Hercules.

I've been blessed with another sweet little dog and wonderful support from my friends and coworkers, but most of my family is far away. As time passes and my supporters turn back to their normal lives and Christmas plans, I don't know how well I'll make it alone. I can't even motivate myself to clean my house or put up even a few small Christmas decorations. I'm usually a take-charge kind of person, but I feel so devastated and lethargic now that I don't recognize myself.

Things aren't all bad. I feel Bill's presence around me all the time and believe he is communicating with me. And I've always been able to handle setbacks in the past. But this time, I can't do it without help.

Please forgive me for being so long-winded. Guess I just needed to let this all out.

[MartyT]

Kathy, dear,

We're so sorry for your losses, and you have our heartfelt sympathy as well as our compassionate companionship as you travel this difficult journey of grief. Please know that you have found your way to a safe and loving place, filled with caring others who are ready and willing to walk this way with you. We're all here for you, and we won't let you go through this alone.

[Gail_R]

Hi Kathy I'm so sorry for your loss. It will 11 months on Dec 20th since my husband Bruce passed away from a heart attack also but for him it was instead one minute here the next gone. He was only 53 years old. We where married 30 years and have three grown kids. i never in my wildest nightmares thought that 48 years old I would be a widow. So just know that you have come the right place everyone is so kind and caring. We will help any way that we can. You can come here cry and vent what ever you need to do and know that we will be here for you. Gail

[LarrysGirl]

Kathy, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband, mother and precious dog. It is alot to handle and must feel very overwhelming. No one prepared me for the physical and mental side of grief. I also felt like I was losing my mind and still don't know who I am. It has been 2 years for losing Larry and I catch myself staring into the mirror and wonder where I went. Part of me died that day also. The fatigue, irritability, disbelief, all of those feelings are part of this journey, as you have experienced. Its not easy. When I push myself to keep up with what I used to have no problem doing, I then become so exhausted I feel sick. Please be kind to yourself, rest, rest, rest! I wanted you to know you are not alone during this difficult time. Deborah

[WendyJ]

Kathy I too am very sorry for your losses. I also lost my dear sweet wonderful husband this past March and I don't think I am coping well lately. Seems like every weekend finds me in my pajamas, doing alot of sleeping and watching tv and not much else. I put a load of laundry in friday nite...it is still there, never put it in the dryer. My daughter wants to put up our tree tonight and it is pouring here and just hearing the rain makes me want to crawl into bed and go to sleep. I just never seem to have the energy to get anything done anymore, life is so infair ! Like Gail said I never thought at 48 I would be a widow !

Wendy

[Gail_R]

Wendy I'm sorry that you are having a hard time, I am also. Christmas will not be the same anymore. My youngest son that never says anything said me today if I was going to put the tree up and I said yes just not to sure when that will be. I have to say that without my kids I don't know were I would be. I thank Bruce everyday for them at least they make my life worth living. I think that if we come here each and every day till christmas we just might make it. Wendy take care of yourself. Thinking about alot, you and me sound so much a like....it's to bad that we live so far away from each other I think that we could be goodfriends.. Gail

[KathyG]

Wendy and Gail,

Thanks for making me feel welcome. I'm so sorry for your losses and sad to hear that you're also finding this time of year hard. When you're grieving, you feel (at least I do) lucky to make it from hour to hour and get through a "normal" day. Christmas season makes it that much more difficult because in addition to all the regular things we have to do daily AND being slowed down by grief, there are the extra expectations placed on us, like shopping for gifts, decorating, etc.

I also think it's worse for us on weekends because that's when we spent the most time with our husbands. The weekends really drive home the fact that HE'S GONE. I tried really hard to fight my lack of energy today and actually managed to clear out a good bit of the clutter in my living/dining room. I'm not talking about a few things out of place; the room looked like a bomb went off. Now that I've taken a chunk out of the mess, I feel proud I held off teh blues long enough to accomplish something.

Gail has the right idea; between now and Christmas, let's try to check in with each other here every day.

[karenb]

Kathy,

It's awful what you're going through. I lost my husband with a massive heart attack...he passed away immediately and I wasn't there. I know what you're going through. I spent some time in shock and over the last two years all the other grief "things" came and went. It's better now, but that doesn't mean anything to you. I hope you have some good support that doesn't forget you...that does happen. Whatever you're feeling just know that's just where you are right now. You will make it. You loved each other and that continues. The pain is so real and I am sorry. Just go slowly, watch your health and be with those who loved him, too.

Karen

[suzanne]

Kathy

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, mother and furbaby. I know what heartache you are going through. I lost my husband in March. Know that you are not alone. I am glad you also have some support with friends and coworkers. You have a wonderful place to come to here with lots of caring people.

One day at a time.

Suzanne

[kayc]

Kathy,

My husband also died of a heart attack unexpectedly...I was away at my annual sister's reunion and he had a heart attack, went to the hospital, they said he needed a bypass, by the time I learned about it and got to the hospital, people were there, they moved him to ICU, he was sleeping when they let me in, he woke up having a heart attack, they made me leave...he died. It is a very hard thing that you have been through, and the holidays will be rough to get through, I hope you will have close family and friends with you throughout it all. You are right that it gets hard when everyone goes back to their lives, and you are right also that the weekends are the hardest. It is in those times we want you to reach out and talk to us, we will be here listening and caring, and we have been through it. My husband died 2 1/2 years ago...this year I remarried to a friend of his, but we haven't been able to live together yet, we're 173 miles apart, and it'll take time before we can put our lives together. This is the first Christmas that I can honestly say I've looked forward to at all, getting a tree, etc. Even though I've remarried, sometimes it doesn't feel like it because I'm still alone, still on my own, and everything is still changed from "before". I have to admire you for tackling your house and actually getting something done so soon! All of us can relate to what lethargy and depression feel like and it's hard to motivate ourselves to do anything, but I know that it's healthy for us to do so.

We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers in the upcoming time, along with all of those who are newer in their grief or struggling with the changes it brings.

KayC

[lorikelly]

Kathy, i am so sorry for your loss. you have found a wondeful place to come. i hope that you keep coming back and talking. Lori