Tears Win Again

[KathyG]

When you have a bajillion things that have to be done, but you can't do anything because grief has taken control of you again - what gets you going again?

I've been doing pretty well, two months into my journey. But I haven't done much with my husband's personal belongings or with all the paperwork that goes with being widowed (notifying banks, utility companies, etc.) So far, I've been telling myself to wait to tackle all this until I feel stronger. But now I'm getting anxious that these tasks are piling up around me, and I'm confused about what to do first, and my inner parent is telling me, "These things won't go away, slacker. You have to do something about them, ASAP."

Case in point: yesterday I was determined to process my husband's remaining medical bills and start clearing out my so-called "junk room" so I can paint it and have new flooring installed. (I need to do this because my employer is closing their local office and wants me to work from home.) There's some urgency about these tasks. But I didn't do anything about them because I broke down after I came across a TV show about touring the Grand Canyon. It triggered so many memories of the good times Bill and I had camping there. I couldn't shake the depression afterwards. So what did I end up doing the rest of the day? Cry, watch football and bake cookies. Real important stuff.

Now I feel weak and guilty for not doing the urgent tasks. I know I can't go easy on myself forever, but it's still so easy to get sidetracked by sadness.

[Corinne]

Kathy,

Don't be so hard on yourself. Your pain is still new. Two months is not very long when you are grieving. You will get the things done that you need to do

(they always seem to wait for us to do them), right now you need to concentrate on you and your grief. John went missing on Feb. 24th last year, they found him on April 18th, I moved in the beginning of August and I still have not gotten a job. I really need to work on that but I also need to make sure that I am OK for my children. What I am trying to say is that everything works itself out in time and you being so new at such a great loss need to give yourself time. It will all work out and be OK just remember to take care of you and having a good cry when something reminds us of our loved ones is actually very healing. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[AnnieO]

Kathy

I know when things get to be overwhelming for me, I just look at everything in 3 hour sections. I don't think about anything beyond that time frame. Maybe break it down into 1 hour sections. Do as much as you can in that time frame and then take a break. Work on clearing out your room and then take a break from it. Some days all I could get done was to take a shower, but I felt like I was accomplishing something..My mom has been gone a year and my dad a few months, I am still dealing with all the paperwork, so I dont think you can get that done quickly. I had to pack up and sell their house and I was so overwhelmed that I made some decisions I regret now,about their personal belongings,so dont rush into anything right now. Take care of yourself.

[LarrysGirl]

Kathy, I haven't moved any of Larrys things and its been two years. Maybe I'm the only one that feels this way but they bring me comfort still. The time will come but its not now for me.

You are very early into your grief and I know you feel that you must accomplish something but follow your heart and take it slowly, there is no time frame to do any of this. Deborah

[lorikelly]

Kathy

Sometimes you just arnt' able to do things and that is ok, i use to worry that i would get nothing done. i finally said to myself that in time it will happen. when i stopped putting pressure on myself the anxiety stopped and i did a little at a time. somedays all i could get done was one little thing, i finally started praising myself for that and it helped. the stuff will get done just done pressure yourself. lori

[WendyJ]

Kathy,

If I tell you that not only have I not touched anything of Steve's I also have not cleaned out his dirty clothes hamper will you feel better? Everything is just how he left it and it has been 10 months for me. I finally decided when I felt ready to get to it I will, not till then ! Don't be so hard on yourself, you have plenty of time to do those things...what is the rush? On the weekends I am lucky if I can get myself showered sometimes and do some laundry, other times I get a few things done and do okay. I have nobody to answer to anymore so if people don't like that I haven't done these things yet they can just mind their own business, right? We will know when we are ready and the time is right, take a deep breath and relax.

Love,

Wendy

[dpodesta]

Kathy,

I can't give you any advise on the medical bills since Karen's were erased with bankrupacy. However as far as utility bills, it was well past a year before I started getting those chnged to my name. As long as you pay them, they don't care whose name is on the bill. I know what you need to do in order to be able to work from home and I know that can be difficult. At times we need to do things out of neccesaity. It was a little over a year before I had Karen's Sister and nieces come over to go through Karen's clothes and costume jerewly, basically because I needed some closet and drawer space. There is still a lot of nick-nacks in the back computer room that I haven't touched yet, and I don't know when I will.

All I can say is this Kathy and the rest of you, you will know when it is time to go through your loved one's things and no one can tell you when it is time. You will have this feeling abouut you that I can't describe but you will know it when you have it. The best way I can describe it is that you will think about going through their things and instead of dread or fear you will have this peace about you. I won't say that it won't be hard as you go through their things because it will be hard and will bring up memories, but you will know that it is the right time to do it. Until that time comes, don't rush it and take your time.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

Kathy,

You are an organized person who has always been on top of things...that is why you are having a hard time accepting anything less in yourself. But if you had cancer, you wouldn't expect to accomplish everything you used to...you would give yourself permission to slow down and concentrate on what you needed to do to survive. Right now, you do not have cancer, but you have grief, and that can be every bit as much to deal with. Give yourself permission to be less than perfect, to accomplish less, to slow down, to take the time to grieve, your body has had a hard jolt and it is hard to deal with it.

As far as organization goes, I'm sure you know how to be organized as well as I do...I make a list, I look at the list and prioritize it, I set a time frame for each item of what I think it realistically takes to accomplish it. I factor in breaks and meals. I assign no more to myself than I can comfortably accomplish and with my long drive and work I don't expect myself to get much done during the week.

As far as taking care of personal effects, things like that, there is no hurry, those things can wait. Anything that has a deadline, maybe expend effort on those things, but most things can wait. If you are needing the home office soon, maybe tackle that and let the other things wait, but if you can get by doing your work without having to move to another room, maybe it'll get by a while until you feel more up to moving it to another room. Be easy on yourself!

Love,

Kay

[WendyJ]

Kathy,

I had a thought since you need to remove these things for a home office. Why not put everything in boxes and number the boxes. Do not go through anything now just load them in these boxes. Then when you are ready maybe go through one box a week until you are done.

Love,

Wendy

[karenb]

Hi Kathy,

What everyone is saying here is the absolute truth. It's very hard to deal with this grief and you really do need to take care of yourself. Jack's been gone for 2 1/2 years now and things are going pretty well, but it has taken a long time. All the things you feel you need to do will still be there when you're ready. If you feel there are "urgent" things to get done, just swallow and put one foot in front of the other. They'll get done. Try to get rid of those weak and guilty feelings. You're doing the best you can....you're not superwoman, right? Hang in there because it does get better. I'm here as proof. Take care.

Your friend, Karen

[Lynette]

Kathy,

I can relate to how you are feeling. Wednesday the 15th will be 2 months since my husband passed away. I find it easier to handle a lot of the personal matters when I'm at work and there are people around me. I've tried doing these things at home but I always get distracted when I either run across a picture or something else that reminds me of our life together or what we may have been planning to do in the future. We were avid campers also and had all these plans when we retire to take our Rv and go camping for months at a time.

Also, what has helped me a lot is doing just a little bit at a time instead of handling everything in one day. When you start feeling sad, get up and go do something that will take you're mind off what made you sad.

I'm not sure if this helps, everyone is so different as far as grieving, but I wanted to share with you what helps me get things accomplished and not be so overwhelmed.

Take care,

Lynn

[Gail_R]

Kathy...I too have not gone through Bruce's things...his things are still in his dresser and closest and it will be one year on the 20th of this month that he is gone...I have tired may times to go through his things...I take things out of the dresser and lay everything on our bed I have myself a big cry and but everything back...but one day I will do it but not today...so take care of yourself and know that we are all here for you. Gail

[Guest moparlicious]

Kathy,

My beloved Dan has died on Aug.20,2007. I am sorry for your loss and you are new into the grieving process as well as many of us on here. I have not done anything with Dan's clothes, for our son took them and will not let anyone touch or look at them, they are in his closet. I have so many pictures of him around the house and his remains are in my bedroom,right next to me. I have his tools in pawn, for he put them in there months before he died and they will remain there for a little bit. As far as utility bills and all that, no rush and I call that fluff.They are being paid, so who cares what names are on the bill. You don't need to explain to anyone, unless you want to. I turned off my home phone and got everyone in my house cell phones, that way I don't have to get the unwanted phone calls and I am left wondering what to say or just hanging up. Everyone is different, but we are all here for you and to help each other make it through another day. God Bless, Kim