Missing Mom

[drew]

I really miss my mom today. It is so sad for me to think of her last year of life. I realize now that she loved me more than anything, and gave up everything for me. I only hope to be as strong and wonderful as she was.

Today on the way home from class, I wanted to call mom because I met a girl that I might be interested in...but then it all hit me again. No one cares about that stuff like mom did. She would have been so excited, and would have stayed up tonight with me, giving unsolicited advice and telling stories of her own past. Instead, I called her best friend who lives far away. We talked, cried, and I felt a little better.

It just makes me sad that my wife will never know my mom. My kids will not know their grandma. I'm graduating from college this May, and my mom had made plans for just she and I to go to Europe for the summer. This last year i turned 21 and we were supposed to go on a cruise, but then she got cancer so she said we would go next year instead. Now we'll never go. I just can't stop crying. People talk about God's plan, but this doesn't feel like God's plan. This feels like it sucks. I just want my mom back.

[CFH]

Hey Drew, I know exactly what you are talking about, I'm 26 myself and I lost my mother about 6 months ago. As cheesy as it might sound she was my best friend, and I often (more like constantly) find myself wishing I could call her up and tell her about some new development in my life, or to ask advice, or whatever. I'm a student as well, I went back to school after my mom encouraged it. I felt too old, etc. but I did it at her urging, and now I long to be able to share with her all the opportunities that have become available to me because of it.

You're lucky that you have a friend you can share your emotions with, I've found it nearly impossible to share how I am feeling with anyone, even my girlfriend of 6 years. I was able to talk to a friend once, but I just find it too hard to bring up again.

As far as God goes, I don't really know what to say. I believe in him, but I'm not religious and that makes it kind of hard to define my beliefs, if that makes any sense, but I know that sometimes God feels very near and sometimes God feels very far away or non-existant. This experience has certainly put some strains on my beliefs. Sorry for rambling on, I kind of doubt anything I said helped, but I know how you feel and I hope you feel better.

CFH

[shell]

Drew,

You said it all...."no one cares like mom". I feel that so strongly and it really hurts because there is no replacement possible. Hang in there. I know it has been recent for you, so take care of yourself and grieve fully. It will never be the same (your life) but it will go on and you will learn ways to cope with the loss.

I know it's not the same at all, but if you care to tell us about the girl you might be interested in, we'd love to hear it. Some of the older, "motherly" types (like me!) on the board would be glad to give you advice...hahaha. It helps us to think of someone else besides ourselves. I don't think that people realize sometimes that letting someone help you helps them too. Anyway, if you care to share, we're here!

Hugs,

Shell

Edited February 5, 2008 by shell

[AnnieO]

Drew,

Even though there is a big age difference between you and I...I too, just want to talk to my mom. I have a husband and teen-age kids that are really great and supportive, but, its not the same. I agree, no-one cares like your mom! I bought a new horse a couple of months ago, my parents would have been so excited for me. Last week I started seeing a doctor for some hip problems, my mom would have been so worried and concerned. So, both the good and bad news, my mom would have cared so much and even though I am surrounded by people, I feel very alone. I always said my mom was my greatest cheerleader, its so hard to not have that anymore. Your mom is so proud of you. And I think Shells idea was great, you could get all kinds of "motherly" advice from all of us here!

[drew]

CFH,

I am so sorry that we have to go through this. It is difficult for me to talk about it with anyone also. I find that most of my friends have been avoiding me. They don't know what to say. Its hard because everyone else can go back to their own lives, but I still sleep in the room my mom was in. Her dog is now my dog. Her house/car are now mine. She always vaccumed, now I do. She was the cook...now I have to learn. Its funny because last night I made maccaroni and cheese for myself for dinner, and I could just hear mom saying, "That is not dinner! Fix some chicken and veggies to go with it!"

If you ever need or want to talk about anything, please feel free to message me or post on this site.

Edited February 17, 2008 by drew

[rosanne]

AnnieO

How right you are and I guess that is what I miss the most about mom-

she cared about me and every need and hurt I was going through and she

was my cheerleader all the way! When mom said, everything is going to be

alright it was, whether it was or not, it was because she said it!

I do not have that love and cheering on anymore!

Rosanne

[CFH]

I'm sorry we have to go through this as well man. I feel like as my mom was only 49 when she passed that I have been robbed of a great deal of time with her (especially since I was a pretty bad person for much of my youth). Her death was an accident as well, so there was no time to adjust to the thought of her passing (not that that would have made things easier), it all just disappeared in a second. I know exactly what you mean in regards to your friends avoiding you. It seems like whenever I see my few friends, which is infrequent at best, they avoid the subject completely and they seem to think that I should be 'normal' or the same as I was before. Even my girlfriend of 6 years, who I live with, will not talk about this with me. Pretty much the only person I can talk to is my 75 yr old grandma, and I don't like bringing it up because I know it hurts her. I also find I just cannot put this behind me and move on with life.

I know words like what I am about to say can really ring hollow, and I hope they're not offensive or anything but, in a way I envy the fact that you can spend time at your moms house with her dog, though I have no doubt that it is an extremely difficult thing to do. I wish I could spend time with my mom's dogs, but they passed away with her and pretty much everything she owned in a house fire, so there was almost nothing left. Its like all that stuff never existed at all. I lost a great deal of my possessions as well, not that that means anything when compared to losing ones mother, but I often wish I had more of her things to remember her by or more of the things we had given to eachother. I have about a shoe-box filled with little glass figurines she collected that survived the fire, but thats it. My step-dad owns the property on which the house once stood and he also has the car, I have not seen him since the funeral and he will not return my calls, which I do not understand (this probably hurts me more than I care to admit). I guess I'm just rambling on at this point.

I hope things get easier for you Drew, and if you even need someone to talk to or to vent to feel free to send me a message. Good luck.

CFH

[Cindi]

Dear Sweet Drew

Oh, how my heart aches for you. And as was mentioned earlier, you can always talk to the moms here (me included).

My mom told me a couple of months before she died that she had bags in her closet that were labeled for my two sisters and I. I tore that closet up and never did find what she was talking about. There were envelopes with our names on them that just had photos that were relevant to each of us. It really hurt me (even though there are many things she left) because what I wanted was something she wanted me to have.

I, too, really miss my mom. My aunt (my mom's younger sister) e-mails me often and I cry every time I read one of her e-mails. She is basically letting me know that she is "here" for me but in the end I realize she's the closest thing I have to a mother now. Fortunately, she and I have always had a good relationship.

When I read everyone's postings here, I realize it doesn't matter how you lose your Mom. Whether it is expected or unexpected, the pain we bear is the same.

I don't have any words of wisdom to impart but I'm here, I'll listen, and I'll always respond.

You all are what keeps me holding on.

Love,

Cindi

[AnnieO]

Cindi,

Your relationship with your aunt sounds like mine. My mom was my best friend but also my aunt's best friend. My aunt and I have become so close, but sometimes its so painful when we are together, its so raw and we both know the other's pain. Sometimes I feel like we are putting so much pressure on ourselves to fill the void, for the other.(if that makes sense).

I am sorry you didnt find the things your mom was talking about. My most treasured thing I have is a snowglobe(I collect them and my mom got me one every Xmas) and its because my mom had my aunt order if for me before she died and she signed a card too. It came after Xmas and after my mom had died.

I agree , it doesnt matter how our moms died, the pain is still unbearable.

[Kathy]

Drew,

I just turned 56 this pass Monday Feb 4th, My Mom passed away last Friday January 29th, I am still trying to accept this, we were like 17 years apart in age. she sometimes felt like my sister, we did many things together when I was growing up.. THERE WILL NEVER BE ANYONE LIKE YOUR MOM, SHE CARES AND LOVES YOU KNOW MATTER WHAT YOU DO OR SAY.. THAT IS JUST THE WAY IT IS.. when I had any problem I could tell Mom and she would alwys say it will work itself out, don't worry.. Now no one is left to tell me that..my inlaws died also back in 1998 and 2001.

Moms care for their children very much,, if they are the good Moms they are suppose to be. that is because they give birth to us and raise us.. then we share alot with them..I feel so sorry for you because you are so young and to have lost your Mom, but what memories you have of her will alwys be in your heart and remember she will be waiting for you when your day comes to meet the Lord..I don't mean to make like I am soo religious, but I have been though so many deaths in my life so far, and I know there is something better for us in the next life. God has been with many times thoughout my life and I know he will help me now, if not for God, we would have nothing to pin our hopes on in this world. God Bless You and remember I am here to answer or be your friend, Love , Kathy

[LoriW]

Drew,

I totally understand how you are feeling. Although I lost my Mom at age 39, there is really no one who loves like a Mom. I was fortunate enough to have my Mom around when my girls were born and they both have great memories of her but there is still that longing to share something special they did with her.

Your Mom will be with you on your special days. Maybe not in the physical sense but her pride will be bursting the day you graduate from college....the day you marry the woman you find to love...and the day you give her a grandchild. She's with you every day and the love between you both never ends.

[mduwyenie]

Drew,

You and my sister have much in common. I know that my sister is dealing with the raw emotions that you are facing right now. She is 24 and it was very hard for her to complete and graduate from undergraduate school this past spring. As her older sister I kept telling her that this is what mom would have wanted for you. She wanted to give up, you could see it, but I kept telling her this is not only for you but for mom. She did it, she completed her degree. But like you said with your trip, we also had plans for trips, like to Disneyland for New Year's and going abroad to Japan. Yes, when we do make it over someday, she will be with us, and when you are really feeling down it helps to talk to your loved one, for they are always around us. We will never lose that as long as we live, even then we carry them until we meet them once again in the next life.

It is especially hard for my sister since she was living with my mom all her life. Our mom in a way was my sister's eyes when she needed them, because my sister has a visual impairment. Now she feels lost, as to where to continue with her life. She wants to go back to school and get her master's degree, but hasn't thought much beyond that, I know that she feels very lonely without our mom.

[Cindi]

I once read of two men discussing the price of living. Between them one bet the other $1,000,000 that he could not come up with three things in life that one could get for free.

The first gentleman spent many days pondering the questions of the bet and eventually, he found the items that entitled him to the million dollars. I hope to never forget this and will share them with you.

1. The companionship of a faithful dog

2. A smile from a baby

3. A mother's love

So even though the phyical relationship is not obvious to us now, I believe that our mother's love continues on and on and on.

Knowing this and applying it to my situation still has not been of much condolescene and I find that I resent the question "is there anything I can do for you?" Because the obvious is yes, bring her back and of course I know that can't be done.

I'm sad, and I'm entitled to be sad, and I resent those that think I should be way beyond this. I don't know when and if that will ever happen, but I hope it for us all.

Love

Cindi

[AnnieO]

Cindi,

I agree, we are entitled to feel sad. I had a very wise young man say something to me the other day that made me realize he is one of the few people in my life that just really "gets it". He saw the bottle of antidepressants, and asked me about them. He wanted to know who thought I should take them.I said my husband and my doctor. He asked me if I thought it was depression or grief, because he thinks its grief. Then he said "not many people lose both parents within 10 months of eachother. It could be years before you feel better and you will probably never be the same person but for right now, I think you are doing just fine". How did I end up with such a wise, 16 yr old son? He gets it. I am just sad and I cant make everyone around me understand, that I just need to be sad.

[shell]

Annie,

What a special kid you have! You're so right, sometimes we just have to feel sad and that's ok. Give him a big "family hug" from all of us here.

Hugs,

Shell

[mike dorsey]

Thank you for sharing Drew. I am glad I signed up to join the grief support group online for I am hard of hearing and writing online is easier for me to communicate with people who are hearing. My sister said she joined a grief support group recently as we both lost our mother last year on March 4, 2007. I thought it was a good idea for me to join one as well to know that we do not have to go through our emotions alone and to express ourselves with others who understand.

I am sorry about your mom and I sense you are very close with her. I think about what you said when you had planned to go on a cruise with your mom. Well, I suggest you bring your new woman on a cruise and honor the trip for your mom. You can then know that you are on the cruise with your mom in spirit.

I am very close with my mom too. She died of lung cancer. My mom's twin sister and only sibling died two years ago of lung cancer. Their mom, my grandmother, died about four years ago. My dad died when I was four years old but I do not remember him as much as my mom. It is so hard to go on without mom as I too find myself wanting to call mom for little things like small chats, recipes of her dishes. My two sisters, brother, and I will get together on March 1st at mom's condo to go through her things which will be very hard. I do not like the idea of going there when mom will not be there to greet us in person. I sense she will be with us in spirit but still, it would be nice if we can see the spirit in human form. I am very relieved that mom is not suffering horribly as she did when she died but now I suffer from grief. Like mom being free and happy from cancer, I wish to be free from grief. I guess the only way I know what to do with my grief is to keep moving forward as I know mom would want me to. Once a mother, always a mother, eh? I think we are doing a good thing, to share our emotions with others and to help others too.

More later,

Mike D.

[drew]

Mike,

I'm so glad that you have joined us here. This place truly has become my family and everyone here is wonderful. I'm so sorry that you lost your mom. Posting here has helped me a great deal, so I encourage you to do the same.

God bless,

Drew