My Mom Died On 2/2/08

[DebFromLodi]

She was 91 years old. The best mom in the whole wide world. I just can't believe she is really gone and i will never see her again. Never touch her, kiss her or hear her sweet voice. I used to visit her in the mornings, she was in a convelescent hospital. Now every morning i am so sad and lost without her. How do i go about my life without my mom? All four of us kids were with her when she took her last breath. Thank God she left us so easily. God I miss her. Any advise would be appreciated.

[leeann]

(((((((((((((((Deb))))))))))))) a hug for you. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I am glad you could be there with her and that she passed so peacefully.

I lost my Mom a bit over a year ago and I'm still trying to figure out how I go about life without her. So.. there's no rushing this figuring for me.

I talk to her. I cry.

It is early days for you... real recent still. So you might be feeling a bit stunned and raw. There's no timetable and everybody walks this grief path differently.

Me?I just keep trying to put one foot in front of the other. (I have two teenagers and I'm trying to keep up with them so sometimes it's busy and it's real hard. Not easy to sit in the orthodontists' office waiting room with tears rolling down one's face while Ellen Degeneres in on their TV. etc..)

Everyday life .. doesn't seem like everyday life any more... because there is a person missing. And Mom's leave a big hole somehow.

There are days when I feel physically "hurt" almost and other days when it isn't quite as intense. I laugh still... have to.

Maybe in the mornings.. you could sit down and have a chat with her? I tell my Mom all kinds of things and I cry. And I am very grateful for her having loved me so well that I hurt like the dickens right now.

I'm pretty new here myself but I find the folks here do "get it" and are very helpful. So know for sure you aren't alone. And be gentle with yourself.

My Mom was about 10 years younger than your Mom. And I know people will say.. "Oh they had a full life" and all of that.. but.. still..

It's our Moms.

But..once a Mom.. always a Mom. And ya know.. I think they mother us still from there.

Glad you posted and welcome.

[Cindi]

Deb:

So glad you found us. I very unexpecedly lost my mom about 5 months ago. I've noticed that for the last few days, my stress and anxiety levels are better, but that could just be a false positive. I miss my mom every minute and I've never hurt so much in all my life. This is without a doubt the single hardest thing I've ever faced. I've found that those around me are not real compassionate. Especially when I need to talk. That is why I am so grateful for this forum. I can lay it all out to people who truly understand and help me to know that my feelings are well within the realm of grief.

Please come back often and let us help you by sharing your pain.

Cindi

[shell]

Deb,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom last June. As we've often talked about on this site, your life will never be the same. Your "old" life is gone and now your life will be a "new" kind. It is a long journey to begin healing, but I think the main thing is to be sure you cry, scream, yell, whatever you are feeling, just get it out. Feel. It's the only way to heal. And coming here is a good place to let out your feelings and know that we have all been there and really know what you are going through. This site has helped me more than I can say. Welcome.

A big hug,

Shell

[AnnieO]

Deb

I am so sorry about your mom. I am glad you found this site. Its been a huge support for me. My mom died Dec.06, she was 71. Like Shell said, my life has never been the same, I am just trying to figure out my new life without my mom. I miss her everyday. There is no time schedule to grieving, but with time , the happy memories will help you get thru the tough times. Take care of yourself.

[mduwyenie]

Deb,

I know that your pain is very real and unbearable. Most of us have heart strings attached to the greatest person in our life, and that is our mom! My mom passed on April 07. It will soon be one year, but it just seems like it happened only a few months ago. When I read these postings in the forum it makes me sad and I start to cry when it reminds me of my mom. I know that it will greatly help you if you continue to write out your emotions. Me, I just joined not long ago and have not expressed to much about myself. I find it difficult some days to write anything, but I do visit the site and read others advice on grieving. Do know that people do care about you and want the best for you.

[DebFromLodi]

Every day i wake up and the hole in my chest just keeps getting bigger and bigger. i miss her so much i can't stand it. I feel numb i feel hurt i feel sadness. i don't know how to get through this. Crying doesn't even make me feel better. i keep thinking it will be better tomorrow, but it is worse the next day. i will never hold her again, never kiss her, never hear her sweet voice, what can i do? please help me. i don't know how to go on and i know people around me will get tired of this. i don't want to bother anyone or push anyone away but i can't bear this pain alone. i want to see her again. i miss her so much. someone please help me please.

[AnnieO]

I wish I knew how to help you. I know how horrible this is. Keep posting here, it does help. Its been a little over a year since my mom died. It does get easier , I still miss my mom, everyday , but I can think of happy memories now, not just the pain. Take good care of yourself, take it hour by hour. You are not alone.

[rosanne]

I lost my mom June of last year-there is not a day that goes by that she is not in my every thought. She was my life! I was thinking this morning as I was driving to work- it has been 2 years since' I have had any real joy in my life! It was a year prior to her death that we were in and out of the hospitals chemo, radiations and two major surgeries. I don't know what to say to anyone really, that can help- it is a day to day struggle. The only thing I can say is that I do know I will see and be with her again, and that is what I hang on to.

Rosanne

[mike dorsey]

Hello,

I am sorry about your mom. I lost my mom almost a year ago on March 4th. I also was there with my three siblings when mom gave away her last breath. It was very painful to see her go but it was also a relief since she was suffering from lung cancer. My mom was 64 and knowing that your mom was 91, I must say at least you had more time with your mom.

I know your mom is with you now everywhere you go. She is now visiting you in the mornings to make sure you had a good night sleep

More later,

Mike

She was 91 years old. The best mom in the whole wide world. I just can't believe she is really gone and i will never see her again. Never touch her, kiss her or hear her sweet voice. I used to visit her in the mornings, she was in a convelescent hospital. Now every morning i am so sad and lost without her. How do i go about my life without my mom? All four of us kids were with her when she took her last breath. Thank God she left us so easily. God I miss her. Any advise would be appreciated.

[leeann]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Deb))))))))))))))))))))

Hold on to us hon... Everything you are feeling .... however deeply painful... is normal. (I can't believe I typed that.. but I did.. only cuz it is what I know to be true.

We are here... and no.. there isn't a whole bunch we can "say".. but we're here with our cyber arms open and we know exactly what you are talking about.

Hole in your chest.. yup. I got it too. We all have at least one.

But my "theory" on holes in hearts is...

At first... they are bleeding... just bleeding and hurting... like no other wound has hurt us before.

The reason it hurts SO bad.. is we were loved.. very well and loved very well in return.

Eventually the bleeding slows down some.. and then stops. The pain lessens a bit in intensity.

And a scab covers the wound. It still hurts.. when we are moved... but not as 'to the quick' as it was in the beginning.

Then...eventually... a scar forms.

A scar we have so earned with our love and their loving of us.

But truly... it is a love scar.

And those scars are ours forever... because we were blessed enough to be loved so well.

So my wish... for all of us.. is that when it is our turn to go... we will leave with well scarred hearts. Because after all... it is all about love.

Deb.. please believe us when we say.. "It will get better.".

It does.. really it does get better.

But the pain.. we can affirm for you that it does indeed exist and it does indeed feel this bad. We have all had it and.. yet... we are still here.

It is soooo early for you yet. Your grief (wound) is super intense right now because it is so very fresh and new. It will get easier to live life without that person we loved so dearly. We just need time to learn how to do that. But it can indeed be done.

The missing..??? Yes.. I think that will continue as long as we live. But it won't be nearly as intense as it feels to you right now.

So don't worry.. we're here.

And believe it or not.. I think you are doing ok! You are expressing your grief and that expression helps us process our losses.

So please.. come on in here and keep us posted on how you are doing. And know.. we're walking right beside you.

leeann

[shell]

Deb,

leeann is so right about you doing well already, because you came to this site and sought help and got your feelings out. Those are two very important steps on the road to healing, which is long and hard, but will happen. You just have to take it minute by minute and soon an hour will have passed, and then a day, and then another day, and on and on. And someday it will not be as devastatingly painful as it is now. Please keep sharing your feelings here.

A big hug,

Shell

[DebFromLodi]

How can i ever thank all of you for all your kind words? Thank you, thank you, thank you. I was just asking God who I could talk to that would understand. i don't want to keep bothering my husband or my daughter or my family, as they are going through their own pain right now, when i remembered this place. And all the wonderful people who are helping me by talking to me. I just can't believe i will never, ever see her again or talk to her. my birthday is coming up on the 3rd of march and this will be the first year i will not blessed with hearing her sing happy birthday to me. i keep praying for a sign from God that she is ok, but i have not gotten one yet. If i only knew she was with God now, i would be ok. i would still miss her, but i think i could do this better. has anyone heard from their mom? Am i just missing it? all i can feel is emptiness. I remember the Thursday before she died, i visited her at the rest home. She looked up at me with the biggest smile and said "HI!!! I love you, i love you, i love you. I'm hungry." Thank God i took a sandwich that day and watched her eat it. I then fed her her real breakfast, made sure they took her to the bathroom and got her settled into bed. I kissed her goodbye, told her I love her and left. Two days later they called to say she took a turn for the worse. Five hrs later, she died with all of us there. Why did she have to leave? God i love her so much.

[rosanne]

Deb,

There was no one as close to their mother as I was- we were one- she died at age 68- too young!

She is my every thought- I pray at night to dream about her and I don't, and really do not understand why- but, someone I think it was Shell, said maybe the time is not right, yet- When I dream about her I want it to make me happy, I think right now- I would be so sad to wake up and she leave me.

It is like she disappeared.. I never knew how final that would be- not even when she was sick. I know exactly how you feel, I went through my first birthday "50th" without my mom- it was very hard- she always gave me the perfect gifts but, more than anything she gave me her love every day..... I was so lucky to be able to see her every day and spend time with her and my dad, we had so many great times on the back porch talking..... Making memories! I can't give you advise- but, I can say this is a soft place to fall.

Hugs-----

Rosanne

[MartyT]

Rosanne, you said, "I pray at night to dream about her and I don't, and really do not understand why . . ."

You and others may find these threads helpful:

Will I See Her Again?

Strange Dreams about Death

Mystical Experiences

In addition, there are those who believe that praying for a dream about your loved one can be quite helpful. In the wonderful book, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Experiences of the Bereaved, author Louis LaGrand writes:

Seeking an Extraordinary Encounter

I tell every client who comes to me that there is nothing wrong with asking or praying for a sign that your loved one is okay. You will receive a sign when you need it most. Be patient. Persist. Be specific. Keep petitioning. Stay alert and increase your awareness of the coincidences, feelings, unusual happenings, intuitions, and good things that occur during your day. Give thanks when what you have prayed for arrives. Persistent prayer cannot be denied. In particular, ask your Higher Power to allow you to have a visitation dream. Many spiritual counselors believe that dreams are the easiest way for spirits to communicate with survivors.

You might also combine your prayers with meditation. If prayer is talking to the Intelligence, meditation is listening to that Intelligence. Meditation – opening your mind and heart to the messages of the universe around you – will put you in an ideal state of consciousness to receive an Extraordinary Encounter . . . if something happens to you during your prayer or meditation session, and you are not sure how to assess it, ask yourself four questions:

•Is this the kind of thing my loved one would do?

•What is my intuitive feeling about the event? (Notice what comes into your awareness – what thoughts, physical feelings, emotions.)

•Has this event brought the feelings that love has been given and received?

•Most important of all, did the experience bring peace?

If the answer to the last question is yes, you should feel confident that you’re being led by a power greater than yourself, regardless of what name you attach to it. I firmly believe that peace and a sense of belonging or connectedness go hand-in-hand, and that the road to true healing lies in following that peace.

[source: Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Experiences of the Bereaved, by Louis LaGrand, Ph.D., © 2006, pp. 119-121. See also Dr. LaGrand's Web site, Extraordinary Grief Experiences.]

[mike dorsey]

Hello Deb,

I am also glad to have been guided here to this website. My wife is awesome. Because she has not yet experience death of a close one, I feel more comfortable expressing myself here about missing my mom. I think it is so great how you have a wonderful experience of your mom greeting you with a big smile saying to you, "I love you". A week before my mom died, she gave me a big smile but she could not say anything as she was pretty weak.

I think that was a wonderful suggestion that was enclosed from Marty T.'s response that we should pray to our Higher Power, God as we understand Him/Her, and ask for guidance to have our mothers visit us in our dreams. Perhaps our moms will visit us when we least expected it just like how if we were longing for the love of our lives but they show up by surprise.

As I was writing this, I thought that perhaps just like your mom said to you before she left, "I love you and I am so glad you are here", well, God said to your mom at her arrival in Heaven,"Hello my dear. I love you. Welcome home! You must be hungry. Let's go in the kitchen and have a sandwich, just like the one your daughter made you!"

More later,

Mike

[shell]

Deb,

I have been reading a book about peoples experiences with after death communications and the signs they have had from loved ones, including actually seeing them. It seems to me that a general "theme" of these events is that they "come" to you when you are in some sort of personal crisis. You would think our grief would qualify, but I guess that is part of life and unavoidable. But sometimes, later on, when you have some other sort of crisis is when they will contact you, in one way or another, or give you some comforting sign. Maybe that explains why so many of us haven't had any signs yet.

Hugs,

Shell