Crying Every Day

[Lily]

I haven't been here for awhile - just could not bring myself to talk about

losing Rich - just seems too painful to even share - each day seems to be

worse for me because he will not be coming back to me - I can't explain it

but there are no times when I feel fine or good or at peace - I can put on

a front for people but inside I feel that I'm darkness and my heart is stone...I never am able to get my mind off of losing Rich - When I'm alone

I cry and cry and it seems as though the tears will never stop flowing...I do this alone because I think it makes people uncomfortable...people who are not

going through what we are seem to want to offer solutions - but there is no

solution to the misery and torment - he can't come back to me.

I'm sorry that I can't remember your name - you said your sister in law

said people who cry in front of others want attention? I'm sorry she

said that to you. I don't want attention and I don't want to be told

what to do - I want someone to just sit with me and let me cry and cry and cry...On the surface I can do mundane things like paying bills, getting things done on the legal end, taking care of home maintenance, etc, but

on the inside I hurt so bad I wish I could die....someone remarked the other day that I was doing much better....if only they knew....I miss him so much

and when I think how he won't be with me anymore for anything....just everyday

gossip, just riding in the car -- my god we shared so much and now he's not

here...I really can't stand the sadness...I probably will not take my life

because I don't know how to do it effectively - I'm only stopped by the fear

that I'll mess up and end up in the care of someone for the rest of my life...

but I do wish I would die in my sleep....

When your sisteriin law said what she did to you, I thought "well so what

if we want attention" I don't want attention, what I want is help help

help to rid myself of this pain and misery and torment....so when I cry I cry

because it hurts so much and maybe there's this thought that maybe someone can

help me with my pain - but then I know no one can because the only way my pain

will go away is if Rich were here and he's not and its not possible for him

ever to be with me....I look at his pictures and it doesn't seem as though

he's gone - they're just too real - his arm around me, clowning around, looking at me as though there could be no one he could love more and this

after 45 years!!!!

This sounds like a pity letter - and if it is too upsetting for anyone, I am

sincerely sorry....it's just that I have nowhere else to go with this....no

one really wants to listen and since I act ok "on the surface" they think I'm

ok and so "you should do this" or do that and I don't even feel like breathing. thank you for listening to me, I know your hearts are breaking

and I know you're in a dark place too...and I don't want to drag anyone down.

I want to thank everyone who wrote to me... I'm never certain I'm doing this

correctly...but just knowing that out there somewhere are men and women who

are having to bear the pain of someone more precious than can be said in words

helps me. thank you from my heart. Lily

[karenb]

Hi Lily,

I'm very sorry for all your pain and I know it's so real and so very long lasting. We all know what you're talking about. Going on is one of the most difficult things we all have to do, but we do have to go on - I think out of respect for their wonderful memories. I am now 2 1/2 years down the road, so I, for one, know that this diminishes and there are better times to be had. We never get over that wonderful feeling of love, we just get used to this new life. You will get there, but it does take some time. You take care and stay with us.

Your friend, Karen

[LarrysGirl]

Lily, I'm so sorry you are hurting. Grief is very hard. I know the feelings of disbelief. Its an impossible thing to get your mind and heart around. I can relate to needing people just to let me cry, but sadly, I didn't get much support. I wanted you to know that crying is how you heal. You can't help but cry. You've lost the man you love. Don't apologize here for sharing your feelings, we've all had days where we had to get it out. We understand. Right now really, nothing much will help to ease this, so try to take care of yourself in little ways. Rest more, try to take it easy on yourself. There isn't any way to make grief improve faster, it all takes time. For me, ALOT of time. Hope this helps alittle. Deborah

[C-C]

Hi Lily;

It was my sister in law that said that and today Cal's other brother and his wife came for a visit along with 2 of Ca's sisters and I broke down crying and ran out of the room. When I composed myself I went back and apoligized for breaking down and told them that every time I cry I think of what Cal's other sister in law had said. WELL they all said she has always been cold and I just had to forget it. It turned out that we all ended up crying for a few minutes because I know these ones really loved and missed their brother too.

I am just afraid if I keep breaking down that people will give up on me and not visit because they think it is them that is making me cry. When they ask me how it is going I say "well at this moment I'm ok but any little thing can set me off and it's nobodys fault. I just think of some little thing and there I go again".

How do they expect a person that has been married for 50 years to stop crying when really he has been my WHOLE LIFE and now I am all alone. I am crying because it just hurts soooo much that I think life will NEVER be the same without him and I really could care less what happens to me now.

You are doing exactly what I do ... I cry when I am alone and the tears and sobs just keep coming. I remember near the end when Cal could hardly stand and I was dressing him I would tell him to hang on to the towel bar and then while I was tucking his shirt into his pants and when he would try to do it but couldn't I would tell him "this is how I get my hug .. put your arm around me and hang on" I can still feel his feeble arm around me and I cry and cry and cry wishing I could still have those hugs again. This is one of the things I think of every morning as I am washing and then reach for the towel on that bar. It is any little thing like this that sets me off.

I can HONESTLY say I know exactly what you are going through. I never want to forget him BUT I hope this constant hurt will subside a little so I can look at our older photos and smile while I think of the good times. Right now when I walk by the memory boards we made for the funeral I just cry and cry. My eyes are burning all the time now.

Carolyn

[SusanK]

Lily, I read your post and my own feelings. The only reason I am here is because I don't want to mess up and end up in a nursing home with someone turning me from one bedsore to another.

Losing my husband in November was horrible. People expect me to just get over it too.

Two days ago a team leader for counseling services at the local hospice advised me not to return to an open and ongoing group as I am a "square peg trying to force myself into a round hole".

I hope you find some support. It is not very easy to do. Please don't ever apologize for posting your feelings. Take care

s.

[teny]

IM realy sorry you are going through the same pain .Ilost my husband 16 months ago and I can not believe its true.IM making an efford to get up each morning and go on with every days work The only thing that helps is my friends who are posting here and give courage .Keep coming here we all need each other TENY

[kayc]

Susan,

It's abominable that a counseling team leader would tell you that! They should lose their job.

Lily,

I am glad you are voicing yourself, and it is nothing that the rest of us haven't felt and gone through. As Karen said, it will get better, but it does take time. Right now you probably feel you can't wait, you need help with the NOW! I would encourage you to talk to your doctor and see if you can't get some antidepressants to help you. Any input your doctor would give would be surely welcome. This is hard, very hard, and until someone goes through it, they just don't know. I wish I had some simple solution to offer you, but the fact is, my grief journey is the hardest thing I've ever been through, and I've been through a lot in my life. But if it helps you at all, I'm finally doing better. Understand, I will always miss George, how can I not, he was my soul mate, my best friend, I so look forward to seeing him and being reunited with him someday, but in the here and now, I've gotten more used to living alone, to going on, surviving. I know, life doesn't hold the illustrious shine it once did for me, but, well it just is what it is. There are moments that it's good, and that has to be enough...I look forward to the day, someday, when I'll have grandchildren, I don't know how many years that will be, but I know I don't want to miss it when it happens. For now there's chocolate and a good cup of coffee, a walk in beautiful nature, and my sweet little "Miss Mocha" (my cat) purring on my lap. Those are the things that help me continue. And who knows, maybe the most beautiful sunset of my life is just around the corner, you never know. Hang in there, it will ease up some.

KayC

[Ejn]

Hi Lily, This is my first time in the Forum. I lost my husband on Nov.17,2007. I also cry every day. I guess we just have to keep going. I also lost my son 16 years ago. He was 21 years old. I think this is worse. Larry and I were married 46 years. Sometimes I think I'll cry forever. I am all alone here in AZ my children live in other states. Ejn

[karenb]

Hi Ejn....

Your husband and your son.....I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine that kind of loss. I have 3 children, all grown, but I pray for them every day and I pray for my husband's soul and that he's loving where he is now. I lost him 2 1/2 years ago. Well, with the loss of your son, I'm sure you know what you're going to go through. I'm sure it will be different in many ways, but I pray for you to be as strong as you can. Take care of yourself, do what you need to with this loss, and try to remember the good times in those 46 years.

Your friend, Karen

[J.Anne]

I can so relate to what you said in your letter. The routine stuff during the week like going to work and paying bills get done tho every morning it is a struggle just to make myself get out of bed. I get home from work and all I seem to want to do is lay down, cover my head, and sleep. If am not sleeping, I seem to be crying.

It has only been 2 months and I am told this is normal and it will get better so I tie a knot in the end of my rope and hang on. I pray you can do the same. Hugs.

J.Anne

[Lily]

Hi Ejn, I'm so sorry...when I read your letter I started to cry...I lost

my husband on October 31, 2007. We would have celebrated our 46 wedding

anniversay this Feb. 24. How can we not think we're all alone now...we

were really kids when we met and went through everything together...Rich

was always there for me and we could talk about anything and everything...

we shared all the good times and the bad times...I'm sorry about the loss

of your son; your husband was at your side then, wasn't he. I was called

last week about my dadbeing taken to the hospital - he is ok now, but when

I got the call it was as though someone kicked me in the chest - all I could

think of was that Rich was always there when something happened and he

always was my support always his arm around me....sometimes you have that

special closeness with your loved one that no one else can understand or

fill the space...not even children even though they try. I feel all alone

now too...I go out for a meal or two, but only with one friend...she talks

a lot and all I have to do is listen, but if there are more people I really

can't bear it...if I don't say anything they want to know "we're you always

this quiet" then I have to tell them about my husband and I don't feel like

sharing or talking to just anyone ....the only thing that made me feel

less miserable for a while was a project to fill gift baskets for a chinese

auction to help sick children...I took time and bought items for the baskets

and got them ready, but even that...after a while I started to cry because

Rich would've been shopping with me and clowning around ....there's nothing

I do thatdoesn't make me remember times with him....

EJN, I wish so much I could help you, but I could only cry when I read your

letter....I wrote in a month or so ago and then just couldn't write anymore...

then I did again and I realized that writing helps me even if just a little,

everyone that has written to me is so kind and understanding and no judgments

and no directions on "getting on with your life" and I know that helps me

some...and even if its only for a while, it thatbrief time when I'm feeling

some relief from the sadness and almost unbearable pain. I hope writing

will help you some too. Lily

[kayc]

Ejn,

I am sorry you have this loss, and to have lost a son and your husband seems way too hard. As you can see, there are others on this site going through loss, you've already met one that was married the same length of time. We all help each other through this and try to encourage each other, we're here just to listen at times, suggestions other times, this is a very caring group of people. Please feel free to come back as often as you like, were here for you.

KayC