Preoccupation With Death

[Scotty]

Been almost 2 months since the death of wife and best friend. I find my thoughts occupied with my own death. No, I'm not suicidal, just I've been working the past month on the house remodelling and painting, just trying to keep busy. All I can think about is that if I fix up the old place, my daughter can get the maximum return on it when I die and when she sells it. I get to thinking that I have to get my affairs in order so when I pass on, things will go smoothly for every one concerned.

Am I losing my mind?

....Scotty

[karenb]

Hey Scotty,

You know keeping busy is so good for us. I, also, have done things like getting rid of things I don't need, keeping the house and yard in order, keeping my "books" in order and so forth but also doing other things in my life to keep busy but also helping me. I have thought at times that I'm keeping my life in order so no will have a problem when the Good Lord decides to take me "home." It seems strange at times and I do get tired of doing these things but then I just do them. When Jack died I just took "care" of everything, plugged along and 2 1/2 years later I'm still plugging along but at a more wonderful pace and am beginning to so much appreciate the lessons I've learned, have gone out and met new friends....just to keep keeping on, if you know what I mean. I think you're entirely and wonderfully doing things that you need to do. It's been a short time for you and you sound good...better than good. The times will come when you might get down but go for it....you're entitled to. You just keep taking care of you, my friend.

Your friend, Karen

[Gail_R]

Scott...I have done the samething. I'm sure how old you are but I'm 49 and when Bruce died last year he was only 53 and death was the last thing that we thought about both of us still young and healthy but then things change in one minute and he was gone. Thank god that he showed the boy's how to run the farm if he had not I'm not sure where we would be today. So to your question..yes I have done the same as you..redone my will showed the kids where to find all the importamt paper and so on. So if you are crazy then I think that I am also. But for you it is only 2 months so give yourself time to a just to things for me it is 13 months and I will tell somethings do get a little easier but being by yourself at lest for me is not. I will love and miss Bruce for ever. Gail

[lorikelly]

I felt the same way for many months after my loss . i was told it is quite normal for what we have gone through. i still have days where i think about it more then i should. i am preoccupied with getting old and what will happen. lori

[Elizabeth A.]

I have to say I have this issue too. I was involved in a nasty car accident 7 years ago as of last month and life hasn't been easy since. But I grabbed what I could and now I have a husband and a daughter. I worry on a regular basis of what will happen when I die. I have written up a will and try to make sure my husband has at least a tenative plan for what he will do when I'm gone (I'm a stay at home mom), we talk about burial and furneral arrangements whenever I feel the need. He is sure he is the old creaky one and will leave me long before I myself pass on, but I know my own limitations.

I have even gone so far as to talk to my daughter's godmother, about the foods my Jessica likes especially well, the feelings I have about certain people in our lives, etc. I have a journal that I write letters to my daughter in, so that she will never doubt my love for her. My current project is a quilt made of my daughter's baby clothes. The pattern is hearts, so she will literally one day sleep under a blanket of love. If I can't be there for her in the future I want her to know everyday that I love her. I can't even fully express how very important that is to me.

[kayc]

No, Scottie, you are not losing your mind...or if you are, I am too. I also think about getting things in order, I often refer to "If I die, this is here or that is there" and my family doesn't like it, but those of us who have lost someone know that it's always a possibility and want to be prepared and don't want our loved ones caught off guard like we were.

[Scotty]

Thanks for the replies. It is comforting to know that I'm not alone with these thoughts. Been a bad day today. No particular reason that I know of, just one of those should of, could of, wish I'd, days. Hoping tomorrow is better.

....Scotty

[lyn]

Scotty,

I dont think you are losing your mind. It is a phase we have to go through especially during the early months. I also got preoccupied with my own death and putting things in order. But I think, I got too exhausted that I let go of 'putting things in order'. I just let things as they are. One thing that got me worried though is that I couldnt imagine my loved ones going through the pain that I have gone through.

I hope the coming days will get easier for you.

[Rosemary T]

Scotty!

This is what I love about reading these posts; it validates my own thinking. I also seem to be preoccupied with my own death and mortality. I have been thinking about making some funeral arrangements now and have been toying with the idea of long term care and such. I am only 46!

The only thing that makes me wonder if I am a bit different is that others here seem to all have a child to focus on. I did not have children with my husband and it seems like there is really no one there that really needs me. I feel like such an outsider.

Today marks the 36 day that my Lou was taken from me. Without him life just seems so meaningless. Like you I am trying to keep busy. Be grateful you have a daughter to be there for and who will be there for you when your time does come.

Rosemary

[Lily]

Scotty and Rosemary,

I wonder if the this preoccupation with death is just part of the overwhelming pain of sadness that we have because we've lost part of our

hearts...I made arrangements for my funeral services, but Rosemary, like you

we had no children...we had such a closeness and now he's gone and I'm all

alone. I don't feel like retraining my life to have other interests. I

enjoyed doing things with Rich and he with me...and it could be almost anything....and now I miss him so much that I cry everyday and talk to him

hoping somehow he'll answer me...but that's not happening...so I keep my

self or at least try to busy and part of keeping busy is "getting things in

order" I made a new will, made funeral arrangements, have given bags and bags

of "stuff" (my stuff, not Rich's) to Goodwill. I think I'm doing this because I pray to die in my sleep....I just miss him so much I can't bear it.

I actually think he will come back to me...and then I realize that's not

going to happen....and I cry. People tell me I have to get out, keep busy,

find other interests. My God - I try to keep busy, but still, beneath the

surface of the "busy" work thoughts is a running memory tape; And I'm not

ready and don't know if I ever will be ready to change my lifestyle...I liked

what I had before...but now I have no joy of life and almost everything seems

meaningless to me....so, yes, I think of death - I think it would bring a

release of the pain...nothing else seems to be helping...

Scotty, it's strange, isn't it...that even with this awful emptiness

and pain, we can still think rationally ...here you are fixing the house

thinking of your daughter and I'm sorting things out and throwing things

out so that if I should die no one has a problem...and doing all that

I think makes people think we're doing well...for me it's just a cover.

I think the world perceives "depressed" as not getting out of bed, or cleaning

up, or not eating and if you're doing all that, then you must be doing better or well...I get out of bed each day, clean up, and eat and actually function

some...alone, can't be with a lot of people ...but then I never was a "have to

be around a lot of people" person....I was a loner and still am...but I find

I can't read and I always loved reading as did my husband...and I don't laugh

or smile anymore...except superficially. Scotty, Rosemary - you're in my

thoughts. Lily

[KathyG]

Lily,

Reading your last post was a little spooky, because it describes to a T how I feel. I have the same inability to read or feel happy for more than a brief moment here and there. I'm also trying to get my house and my affairs in order so things will be easy for whoever is left behind when I go. The first things I did right after making my husband's funeral arrangements were: I had a will drawn up, and I gave my niece and nephew the key to my house in case I don't answer someday when they try to contact me. I see the progress I'm making toward fixing up the house, and it brings me a little satisfaction. But I still often feel like I'm just going through the motions.

I wouldn't say I'm suicidal, but if I had a potentially-fatal illness, I don't know if I would seek treatment. I'm still standing - but living without my husband doesn't feel like much of a life. If I'm still on this earth because there's some mission I have yet to fulfill, I don't know what that mission is, though I have prayed and prayed for guidance.

[Scotty]

Lily

Thank you for putting into words what I could not. The sense of "alone" is overwhelming. My daughter lives with her mother from a previous marriage. She turns 18 this June. Kates 2 daughters which lived with us are 20 and 22. They both cut and ran as soon as the insurance check came in. For 16 years I helped raise them and thought of them as my own. A double slap in the face I'm trying to deal with. In the course of a month I go from a family man to somebody who has the face rest of his life alone. My only hope is one of the universities my own daughter has applied to is close to me and hopes to move in with me next Fall. How I would like to see that come through.

Like you, I think I have people convinced I'm doing better because every day I manage to eat, shower and shave, and am even fixing up the house. Everybody is delighted I'm going back to work next week. As a Correctional Officer, going back to work is not going be an easy adjustment, especially when Kate worked there too.

We were both loners of a sort, although Kate was always more social than I. We were happy just being together at home, her with her gardens and pottery, and me with my puttering and projects I'd dream up. She had 7 years left to retire and I have 10. We were so looking forward to it. Now at the age of 47, I dont even look forward to tomorrow. Last year I was living. Now I'm just surviving.

I've almost completed most of the details that I think of. My pension and life insurance policies have been taken care of. Still need to see a lawyer and get my will updated. I purchased a head stone last week and will inter her ashes whenever the snow here goes away.

Everybody says take it one day at a time, but struggling every day just to get by, sure does get tiresome. I do long for the days when there was actually something to look forward to.

....Scotty

[karenb]

You know, you guys, I am at a different age - 68. I did all those things when I was about 50, and they are smart things to do and should be done. The will, the living will, and someone to take over when it's decided that you'll move on, all these things depending on your circumstances. The only thing I didn't do was dwell on those things....that's just me! I keep my house and papers organized, but then I've always done that so that's nothing new. I do understand what you're going through, though, because I've done things I felt I needed to but didn't understand, really, what the reason was. I truly understand. Today, as I was coming home, a song played that I've love and then, after 2 1/2 years later, the lump in the throat and tears in the eyes. These things, I know, will come and go and I'm fine now, because I know that I will always be fine and Jack wants me to be that way. I just said, "Hi, dear. I'm thinking about you and you know that and you also know I'll always love you. Have a good day wherever you are."

Your friend, Karen

[lyn]

When I look at myself in the mirror, I often wonder if I will ever be happy again. I can only see emptiness and sadness in my eyes. Everyday, I try to find some joy with simple things but I still feel like a robot, going through each day with that empty feeling. I wake up, eat, work..and that's it, only looking forward to go home after work to sleep. How I wish I can sleep forever. There are still times that I wish that I will never wake up at all. I am not suicidal too. I just feel tired of dealing with the sadness and emptiness each day. At 29, how do i start my life again? I have to stop writing now, the tears are starting to well up...

[DesertBob]

Kate's 2 daughters who lived with us are 20 and 22. They both cut and ran as soon as the insurance check came in. For 16 years I helped raise them and thought of them as my own. A double slap in the face I'm trying to deal with.

Scotty,

I have a son and daughter who never really "took" to Linda and if I had died instead of her and they were not fully out of the nest I can imagine that they would have acted about the same way, though I'm not proud to say so. At other times my children have been an embarrassment or a disappointment in other ways. All I can offer is that those girls are still young ... and they take their time growing up these days, at that. Try to keep your heart open to them as best you can, and you may find that a few years down the road they will surprise you. My own kids took awhile to find their way, but now that my daughter is pushing 30 and my son is turning 22 I am starting to find things to genuinely admire about them both (without over-taxing my rationalizer).

When it comes down to it I can't say that I listened to anyone or thought much about anyone but my immortal self at that age, either.

Even if never reciprocated, investing your love in them was the right thing to do. But I have a sneaking notion they will remember your love when they have been stripped of a little of their youthful hubris and realize how hard it is to be a grown up. Give 'em time, guy. It wasn't a waste. This love business can feel like s__t for thanks way too often but but when it comes to kids it seems to be one thing that tends to come out in the wash over time.

Best,

--Bob

[kayc]

Scottie,

Her daughters may come around in time, but for now, well, it may just be their age. Young people are all into getting out and living their lives, and sometimes it take maturity before they think of us as people with feelings.

If you were their biological father they might not have reacted any differently. My own daughter was in between jobs and visiting us when George died...she stayed a couple of weeks and split, leaving me alone on a holiday, long before I was ready. I just don't think they realize how hard it is, and could be trying to cope in their own way, with busying their lives.