Belongings

[suzanne]

I know this topic has been discussed previously, but now I did it. I bagged up 85% of Will's clothing and now it's gone. Came home to an empty porch where all the bags were out. Each piece as I bagged ripped another piece of my soul out. Erased another part of our life together. My mothers insistance wore me down. She has already disposed of my father's clothing. This is supposed to make it easier. My brain tells me she is right. I can't wear these, maybe someone could use them and they will only detoriate (sp) but my heart says NOOOO! Can't turn back now, it is done. May God have mercy on me if I did wrong, I was already in the pit of despair from the one year so I guess up is the only way out. Sorry for such a sad posting.

Suzanne

[DoubleJo]

Suzanne: Getting rid of someones' stuff is one of the hardest things to do. It forces us to realize someone is gone. It smacks you right in the face. You don't have to erase the fact that someone was there. You can keep the personal important things as a reminder of his presence. After all, they did exist. Take care- DoubleJo

[karenb]

Hey Suzanne,

After a while it won't hurt so much. I'm sure you have something special of his still. I donated Jack's clothes to the Whitehouse for the Blind. I know it's what he would have wanted, but I still have a few of his things left that I'll probably keep for a long time. It's a hard thing to do, but we do get through it. Hang in there, girl, you're doing fine.

Your friend, Karen

[suzanne]

Thank you for your replys. Yes I did keep, the special things, his tuxedo, the suit he wore the day we got married, the pajama top he had on when he left our home for the last time, the top I wore as I held him for the last time. It's just too much for me to process at the moment. Please understand. I needed to write what I have done. Thanks for everyone here and your support. I know each hurta just as bad.

Suzanne

[SusanK]

(((((Suzanne))))) I does hurt to dispose of things. I have not doen it yet. He kept pennies in a jar and it was difficult to use them. I knew when I got to the oldest jar because I found a key in it from a Mercedes he bought in "73.

I kept some of them as well as the collar stays, cuff links and buttons in that jar.Golf tees, too.

take care

s.

[mfarah]

Hello everybody,

What coincidence I was just about to start a topic about letting go of meaningful belongings but then decided to see when the last time this subject was brought up and noticed just yesterday which is perfect timing. I am having the worst time of my life again I feel back at day one when I lost Jack let me just start from the beginning. So Jack has this mustang I mean that was the love of his life of course it was his family first but the mustang is there in the same category. He did not drive it on a daily basis he said it was going to be a collector car one day because the engine in it was the last made for that model, something like that I don’t know much about cars. Jack would only crank it up from time to time to drive it in the neighborhood he did not want to put miles on it he washed it, waxed it and cleaned it often. It was and always will be his baby. When Jack and I first started dating I begged him to let me drive the mustang he agreed and I wanted to drive it to the beach which was about 15 miles away he was so nervous he couldn't wait to get to the beach he was so paranoid with me driving, the whole time I remember hearing slow down, turn the music down, both hands on the steering wheel. Well I use to bring up that night often to him after we got married and I would beg him to let me drive the mustang and he would say no I would say to him you let me drive it when were dating why wont you let me drive it now when we are married he said when we were dating I was crazy in love for you and would do anything for you now we are married I would do anything for you but I have you and you wont go anywhere if I say no. Well now that I have brought you up to speed on how much this car was a huge part of our life or should I say his life I did not care to much for it if we ever had to get rid of it I would of got over it I mean it was loud, heavy and hard to drive but jack would probably had to get on depression pills if that ever happened. It was a part of him before I met him so it only meant so much to me because he loved it so much and everyone that knew Jack knew he loved his car his friends wanted to drive the mustang behind him at the funeral line but they thought it would have been extra emotional for everybody that knew Jack and the mustang.

Well the subject came up a few weeks after Jack passed away about the car his brother and dad told me they are going to keep it in the "family" I told them of course we will never get rid of the mustang I even told his brother he can have it to take care of. So this past Sunday my brother in law asked me if it was okay one night this week if he came over to crank up the car and drive it around I agreed and told him that is fine I have not done it in a couple of months so it was time. Well last night I was at my in-laws and my bil (brother-in-law) told me he was coming over to crank up the car so I met him at my house and my father in law came too which should have been the red flag why would it take 2 people to come over and crank a car I just assumed my father in law would follow my bil around the neighborhood because there is no insurance on it (I cancelled it after Jack passed away). My bil starts to clean the car out and starts to say how a friend of his works on mustangs and they are going to do this and that to the car so on and so on. I asked my bil what time he was bringing it back he said to me “what do you mean what time I said to him I am going to give Natalee a bath so I don't want you to come back and the garage be closed he said” Marlene I am keeping it” I told him “for how long” he said “forever” I said to him I am not ready to let it go forever it has only been 4 months I told him I have seen that car for the past 5 years in the garage and to pull up and see an empty spot in the garage I am not ready and I was in tears. All he said to me was “Jack would want me to take care of it for him and we are going to keep it in the family”. What does that mean I still am family right, I could not say this to him but this is what I am thinking. My bil and father in law do not understand what they just did to me its not just a car I really hate the car but I love it because it was part of Jack I am not ready to let go of it, letting go of it is like I am letting go of Jack and I am not ready for that. I see the car very often every day in the garage, for me my garage is my get away place my peaceful spot and now to go in my garage is just a constant reminder Jack is not coming home and them taking the car away from me is just to final for me now and I cant handle it I have been non stop w/tears since that car pulled away from my driveway. I mean honestly I don’t know if I will ever be ready to get rid of his stuff I just thought when I move to my parents in California I will have my emotional break down at once getting rid of the house, the car and packing up 5 years of memories but I know when I let go at that time it wont be a daily reminder that it was once there and now its gone. Its hard to explain and I hope everyone is understanding what I am trying to say another way I can explain it is I feel like taking that car away from me, from the garage is like me packing up all of Jacks clothes in the closet that we share, I go in there now and his clothes are still on his side of the closet but if the clothes were gone and the side is empty I feel it will hurt more because then its for real that he will never come home and I know he is not but I just cant accept it like that right now I mean some days I am past the denial stage but some days I feel he will be back. I have not moved anything since Jack has passed away everything is still in the same spot as he left it I believe because if I move anything then its going to be to final and like I said I am not ready for that and with the mustang I was forced into it and now I don’t know if I should take it as a good thing as a step forward but it really feels like a step backward and I want the car back. What should I do please help me? Should I get it back or just let it go? Now with the car being gone the knife that is stabbed in my heart has been twisted and turned and every time I think of the empty spot I feel the knife is getting stabbed deeper and deeper. Where do I park my car now when I pull into the garage in the same spot I have been for 5 years or in the middle? I just need all the help I can get today please. I am sorry this is so long I just feel so very emotional today and I don’t know how to stop crying.

Love,

Marlene

Edited March 28, 2008 by mfarah

[Corinne]

OMG Marlene,

What they did to you is not only horrible, but also illegal! From what you have said about the car, I am sure that the title was only in Jack's name. As his wife when he passed it became your property, in saying that, what they did is actually stole the car from you. Did they take the title? I am sorry for this but you will need to act on it right away if you are up to it. I am sure that you would eventually get rid of the car, but it is your choice. You decide when you are ready, you decide if you want to just give it to them and you decide if you need the money and want to sell it to them or someone else. I am so so sorry you have to go through this, some families are just heartless. When John died, his family showed up at my daughters birthday with lists on John's things that they wanted. Please know that we are here for you for any advice that you need and for support.

(((HUGS))) & prayers,

Corinne

[mfarah]

Hey Corrine,

Thank you for your reply yes the car is in Jack's name only and now I have it listed in the estate to be put in my name but I think his brother took it because I told him he can have it but that was a couple of weeks after Jack passed away and I have agreed with them since the beginning we need to keep it in the family but when I told him he can have it I did not mean only after 4 months I was thinking somewhere down the future when I was ready to let go of it. You are exactly right I have every right to that car by law but unfortunately I don’t want it to go that far because I am only planning on being in Jacksonville until November but I wanted to keep the car until then and I am sure if I ask my bil for it he might give it back but I don’t know if he will I did not think he would take it after he saw my emotional break down last night but he did and said its hard for him too because he has to drive it. I just want him to bring it back but I don’t want him to think I want it to "sell” I just want it back for the emotional purpose right now. I mean do you hold on to something because it was there before or do you let go of something because its not there anymore. I am sorry to you as well and you are right death can bring out the worst side of people and all they care about are the materialistic stuff not the emotional pain of loosing that special person and that can never be replaced.

Love,

Marlene

[Corinne]

Marlene,

It is always your choice and your choice alone as to when you give something up of your loved ones. Some people need to hold on to things longer than others and some people can let material things go. Personally (and I know that I am probably the exception), I got rid of most of Jimmy's(my husband who passed away in 1996) and John's right away. It was very hard for me to look at them and I felt they were only material things that other people could really use, I only kept a few very important meaningful things, but that is me. It is always up to you as to what you do, you and only you will know when it is right. If it bothers you too much explain your feelings to your bil and maybe out of the kindness of his heart he will bring the car back until you are ready to let it go.

Hugs,

Corinne

[suzanne]

Marlene

I am so sorry your BIL would do such a thing to you. People can be so callous after a death. You are only at 4 months and that is way too soon to be forced into a decision such as this. Your emotions are much too fragile. Maybe if you explained how much this is hurting you he would return it. If you didn't sign the title over he will have to. I know you don't want a rift among in-laws but it is rightfully yours until YOU decide otherwise. Since they were so sneaky about taking it in the manner in which they did, perhaps if you kept a spare set of keys??? Hmmm, just a thought.

Suzanne

PS - Marty- you are right about the spell check. Right click does work.

[Corinne]

Suzanne,

I like the way you think. Hey Marlene, you want us to come down and take care of it for you, I have seen "Gone in 60 Seconds" several times and I am sure if we asked her Wendy would join in. Just another thought.

Hugs,

Corinne

[kayc]

I love you guys!

Disposing of belongings is a very individual thing to deal with and the only thing I can say is a person really needs to listen to their own inner self (not a family member or friend) about when and what to get rid of. We should not let anyone put pressure on us. If we keep everything forever or keep it for a year, that's up to us.

I pushed myself when I cleaned out George's trailer, that was the hardest thing in the world and I was totally not ready, and I should have had my daughter with me when I did it. His closet...the rod fell down about two weeks after he died, so I boxed up all of his clothes, but it was still over a month before I let go of them...someone George and I knew, a young man we wrote to, was getting out of prison with nothing but the clothes on his back, so I picked him up and took him to Sponsors and let him and the others have what they wanted of George's clothes. I knew, instinctively, that is what George would have wanted done with them, he had a caring heart and always wanted to help others. I felt a real peace about it. I kept his fishing vest, fishing hat, the dress vest he wore to church, his robe, etc. I still have them and still visit them from time to time. You know what I mean. I kept my dad's robe for years, my mother in law's crocheted coat (I always thought it looked tacky, but she wore it all the time and when she died, that was what I wanted)...I kept it for years and years. These personal belongings have an association with the one we love, and sometimes it just feels comforting to hold them. And no one should take those things from us.

The day George died, someone tried to come into our home and take his hat...I grabbed it back and cried and said no! Those things are our prerogative to deal with the way we see fit and in our time.

[suzanne]

KayC

You are right, it is an individual choice. Strangely enough, when I got up this morning I felt at peace with my decision. I donated his clothing to the Retarded Citizens Association. They provide work for people with handicaps as well as the proceeds from sales go to their benefit. We had a grandson with Downe's syndrome so I can see the need to provide employment for those who are able to do some tasks (I say had because after Will died all three of his children totally abandoned me, I believe you went through a similar situation with George's children). So if someone can get some use from his belongings I decided it was better than sitting in the closet collecting dust. It took me over twelve months to get to this point but after the initial shock wore off I believe I was ready and that Will would approve. It almost felt like he was beside me as I packed his things up. And I do still have the things that have sentimental value to me I can "visit" when I need to which I will never part with.

Suzanne

[mfarah]

Suzanne, Corrine & Kayc,

You all are so wonderful and are so right on my own time and they rushed me I dont have control of Jack being gone but I do have control of when its time for some of his things to go and I know only 4 months into this the car especially the car it is to soon for me to let go. I am going to call my brother in law and explain it to him that I just need more time it is to soon for me and hopefully he will think with his heart and agree to give it back. If not it looks like I have friends here willing to take a vacation to Florida lol. Seriously, I hope it does not get that ugly because if it does I think that would hurt more than taking the car away just the fact that he can not be sympothetic. I love you guys and thank you so much for making me smile today.

Okay I just called my bil what a A**HOLE he agreed to bring the car back but argued the whole time with for about 15 minutes saying I need to move on and I am holding on to it for the wrong reasons and he has nothing left of his brother I have his house, his clothes all of his stuff and he is left with nothing of his and that car means so much to him because they use to work on it together on the weekends and if it was not for him Jack would have never got the car. He said "you have only been with Jack for 5 years I have been with him all of my life" he said you are never going to let it go if you dont now and you lost your husband but I lost my brother you still have brothers and you will move on with your life my brother can never be replaced. He agreed to bring the car back but said he is going to be pissed off so I told him no just keep it then I dont want you to be pissed he then said no if your not going to understand my point then I will bring it to you it wont be today but I will bring it. I mean I understand his point then he said I was selfish and kept saying I, I, I like I am the only one going through this and know one else is dealing with the loss. I am so pissed off right now and of course this is going to get back to my in laws.

[fred]

Marlene, Since this is going to get back to your in-laws any way and your father-in-law is already involved, maybe you should call them first. One of them may understand what you are going through and why the car is symbolically important. Your brother-in-law is also struggling with his own loss as irrationally as we all are, maybe we can cut him a little slack today. This is difficult enough on each of us, hopefully a car will not be preventing each of you from supporting each other. Good luck.

[karenb]

Hi Marlene,

I've been through this twice with my sister and my husband. There has been "ugly" all around, and all feelings were hurt and for different reasons, too many to say here. I have no communication from my niece since my sister died, and no communication from my Jack's children since his memorial. It was all over the fact that I did what my husband wanted in his will, and over my niece just "taking over" when another family member died. It's confusing, but I guess what I want to say is that we all loose out in the long run over possesions and situations that we will not want to have happened down the road - it really is stress and everything else that happens when a loved one dies. If the family is more important than those things, then maybe we should think twice about how we react to how others act. It's just a thought It's really hard to be a forgiving and loving person when everything around us is in just somewhat of a shambles. I wish the best for you. It takes a long time to get over these losses.

Your friend, Karen

[Guest moparlicious]

Hi all,

I know what you mean about the belongings of our loved ones,I recently moved and got rid of my husbands clothes, after 7 months of this journey and I cried the entire time!!!!!!!!!!!! I kept a few of his things (they still smell like him)and his fishing poles and our camping gear, and of course his tools, those things I am never parting with. It is so very hard and I did not think it would be, I lied to myself.

Karen,

I am sorry family has treated you so unkind, I know the feeling, one of my husbands sisters blamed me for my husbands death and called me every curse word in the book, along with telling me I am out of the family and she is so glad,our three children,I had with her brother and 20 years of marriage, means nothing to her. Family, has a whole new meaning when something so devastating happens, I found out the hard way. I am happy I still have my in laws in my life and a new family,all of you.Everyone on this site, shows the true meaning of what a family is!!! I love you guys, Kim

[suzanne]

Kim & Marlene

At least I have not had to deal with too much ugly with Will's family, his parenats had already passed on, he had a sister he no longer had a relationship with and his three children just up and left but I expected that. Unfortunately a car was also involved with his son. I did give Will's car to him and faced problems on getting the title transfered, was also a vintage car and would not pass inspcetion therefore could not transfer out of my name. His son has a very BAD driving history along with a previous history of us buying 3 cars for him he would never finish paying us for. I was advised to not take the responsibliity of liability should he have an accident (DUI's etc). So it became a shouting match with me being cursed out for "my gift". I should have known better and I have wished a thousand times I had never given the car to him. My thoughts to you Marlene are that you are his wife and have his child and to me there could be no closer bond. I know his brother hurts as well but it is not the same relationship and just be sure if you do give the car they will still support you and your daughter as family. Five years, five hundred years would not be enough. There is a thread somewhere on here perhaps Marty could direct you to it on the differiences of loss. All loss is significant be it two legged or four legged but this is directed solely to the loss of a spouse and those who try to make comparisions. I agree with Kim, this is family here and I thank each of you for your love, encourgement and support.

Suzanne

[mfarah]

Hey everyone,

Thank you all for the wonderful advice and sorry it took so long to get back with all of you I don’t ever get on my computer at home so I had to wait to come back to work today to read and respond to all of you. So let me give you all an update of what happened and why well Friday after I called my bil and heard what he had to say from the reason why he should keep the car to even him insulting my marriage something he knows nothing about I spoke with my best friend Ula and she basically put it to me this way she said I can do this on my time and get the car back and live with the comfort of still having the car in my possession but I will have to deal with the headache from my in-laws including my bil and if I have time, patience and strength to fight with them which I don’t then to get it back and if I just let my bil keep it at first its going to hurt she used the analogy of pulling off a band-aid she said if you pull it off slowly it will hurt slowly and continuously but if you yank it off fast the pain is more painful but the shock of the pain will eventually ease up a little. Another point she made that stuck with me was even if my bil did bring the car back I would no longer look at the car as I once did as Jacks beauty I would look at the car and always have the image of my argument with his brother and after the conversation I had with him he basically ruined all my comfort in the car.

That night I was all a mess weighing my options out as far as what do I do I was so depressed all I did was cry and think and cry so then I get a visitor at my door it was my priest and his mother they came over for some coffee and I confide a lot in my priest so I start to tell him the situation and what he said to me was what ultimately let me decide he said "Marlene what is gone is gone and there's nothing we can do to bring them back and everything Jack once loved here the treasure, the value and the meaning of it died with him and he left you with the most precious part of his love which is his daughter and nobody can ever take that away from you" he was so right so I decided to be the bigger person I called my bil and of course he did not answer I left him a message to just keep the car it was not worth fighting over and hopefully there is no hard feelings I told him to give me a call back which I never heard back from him but I did my part. As for my in-laws there were short with me but I am not going to allow them or anyone else to bring me down and make me a bitter person I will always respect all of them for the fact that they are still my husbands family. I will say the experience with my bil and the car did teach me a lessen which is no matter how much I hold on to something nothing will bring Jack back to me and even though I have an empty spot in my garage now, I will never have an empty spot in my heart because he filled it with so much love for his daughter and me which is something that nobody can ever take away. I also learned that its okay to let go of “things” sometimes because the “things” are not want makes us happy it’s the person that once touched the “things” that made us happy and that can never be brought back or replaced and just because we let go of “things” we are not letting that person go they will always and forever be in our hearts.

I want to thank you all again so much for all your wonderful words that always help me so much I am so blessed to have such amazing friends here. I know I can always come here for all of my problems and I hope that I can help all of you one day the way you have helped me. I love you all.

Love,

Marlene

[suzanne]

Marlene

You are such a beautiful person. And you are so right. They are only things, and can't bring back what we all truly long for.

Suzanne

[kayc]

It's sad that it's like this. Yes, he's his brother and yes he's grieving, but the law gives precedence to spouses because they're closest of kind and they are also intertwined financially and in every way. I'm not sure why sometimes people feel an entitlement that isn't theirs. I agree it would be good to be supportive of each other in this loss, but am not sure that can happen. At any rate, follow the instincts of your heart and try not to let him get you down. If you're selfish, you have that right to be and he needs to understand that. If my sisters died I wouldn't expect something from my brothers in laws, their estate would be left to them unless they specified otherwise. Perhaps a small personal momento would be nice to have, but nothing should be expected, and to expect something on this scale seems overstepping bounds.