Been Missing Being Here

[WendyJ]

Well you will go out and socialize when you are ready and don't listen to them ! Just because they say that though does not mean you are shy and introverted, they probably just want to see you keeping busy and trying to meet people. You will do that when you are ready, and so will the rest of us, but for now like you I prefer to stay at home where I feel warm and safe. It is a cruel scarey world out there and myself I am not ready for the challenge !

Love Ya,

Wendy

[Dusky]

Gosh John I just love to read your posts ! I had never heard of the Wish List before but that line you wrote from it touched me deeply, it is so true...we will all never be the same people again. John where can I get a copy of your book?

Love,

Wendy

Wendy,

I'm glad you enjoy my words - I enjoy sharing them with you. Here is the entire "Wish List" - then following that are the answers to your questions.

My Wish List

(Author Unknown)

•I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one's name. They lived and were important, and I need to hear their name.

•If I cry and get emotional when we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn't because you hurt me: the fact that they died causes my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

•I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good cry, my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.

•Being bereaved is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't stay away from me.

•I wish you knew all the “crazy” grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, fear, hopelessness and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.

•I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for me. As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "formerly bereaved," but will, forevermore, be recovering from my bereavement.

•I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight, lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a host of illnesses and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.

•Our loved one's birthday, the anniversary of their death and the holidays can be terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking of us and them on these days. And if we get quiet and withdrawn, know that we are thinking about them and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.

•I wish you wouldn't offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party, this is a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my beloved died, and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to "get back to my old self" you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know this different me—I'm the one who'll be here from now on.

Here are the answers to your questions:

You can purchase my book by clicking on the following link:

http://www.wheatmark.com/merchant2/merchan...=&Store_Code=BS

You can visit my web site clicking on the following link:

http://www.FindingMyBananaBreadMan.com

Please be aware as I have indicated earlier, in a separate e-mail, that you do not have to purchase my book to read it. You should be able to go to any library request that they obtain a copy - then simply check the book out free.

Peace and love,

John - Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[Stallyn]

Wendy, it comes at me from those crazy case managers and peer-to peer support, I thought about what conspired when they came by and really laid it out, indicating I was unshaved, house was a wreck, really, I am tired of telling everyone that grief is a long term thing, of course they do not understand losing a spouse is traumatic and I really don't want to interact with others, it hurt enough last year (you remember) Not going to say anything to them or anyone other than this forum.

Dusky, I would like to print that "wish list" out with your permission, quite a few could read it and accept than trying to change us. its really something, hammer to the nail dead-on.

Blessings,

William

[suzanne]

William

I am so sorry your case manager made you feel that way. So what if you are unshaven and the house is a wreck. Some days it is all we can do to even get out of bed. They are not capable of understanding what they have not experienced. You are your own unique person and you will do things in your own time. That's okay. Some people are shy. I know I am and I don't do well meeting new people especially in the frame of mind I am in now. Will was the exact opposite and never met a stranger. We complemented each other. Now I don't have that other half of me. But that doesn't mean there is something wrong with us. Hang in there.

Suzanne

[kayc]

John,

I love the "Wish List"...I especially loved the part about it not being contagious so wish they wouldn't stay away!

William,

Some people express themselves differently, some people are more comfortable with verbal skills, some with the written word. I don't see you as shy either, but maybe it's just in person at first. I am told I can be standoffish seeming at first, but am totally not that way after getting to know someone! I may appear more aloof at first (in person) because I'm not sure how it'll go, but inside I'm very warm, so if people jut give me half a chance, they're able to see that.

Also, I might mention, of all the women you've met on this site, how many of us seem like we're only interested in men for their Mercedes, etc.? We truly loved our husbands through thick and thin, whether they were ill or not, whether they had money or not, whether they were perfect or not. Yes, I'd say you have a good chance of meeting someone who could love you for you...that out of the way, it's not about whether someone else could love you, but whether YOU would want to go for it again or not. That's a personal choice that only you, with time, can answer.

[Stallyn]

Suzanne, I know here I get understanding, exactly, when I am tired or depressed my house and beard goes to heck but it never bothered me, eventually it get tended to, I think the need not to let it get to me personally anymore or lose my mind for it Half is gone, the void is ever ending inst it?

Kay, you aloof? we get along fine, I love that song from Led Zepplin, "dazed and confused" I thought that song was written for me LOL you are a very warm person, you and Suzanne, Wendy, Karen and so many others met through here, no not at all think you guys are materialistic, maybe its a perception of the ones met on dating sites over the time (I since stopped looking) I wasn't ready. Love, yes again some day, maybe alot to offer the right person.

John, when I posted last night it saddened me again to think about it, because it is true, love is the part of grief, we always love, perhaps the lingering of it reminds us how much we miss them.

Love,

William

[WendyJ]

William you know what makes me mad? Do these people realize you just bought that house and have been working very hard on fixing it up? Did they expect it to look like a picture in a magazine immediately? It takes time, sometimes years and years to have the time and money to get your house looking somewhat like the way you want. And what differance does it make if you shave or not...have they never heard of a thing called a beard? Men do have them ! Geez...let me at em !!! I can see them being concerned but that is going beyond reasonable.

Love,

Wendy

[Stallyn]

Wendy, its getting old having them come over and tell me this and that, provide services they think is required and not needed, et al; meeting peer groups, group therapy, what about directing me to get social services and assitance for housing repairs? no, they have no clue of losing a spouse can affect all aspects of living, yes they tell me I make excuses not to socialize, and interact, hard to do since the incident last feb and march.I don't desire to get out just yet, maybe in a month, if they would assist with gas LOL. I would gladly discontinue services if it came down not losing my doctor and meds. Now I just have to turn inward with them and plead the 5th

Love,

William

[Dusky]

William,

You do not need my permission to print the "Wish List." It was something from and unknown author that appeared on the internet. I have even used it in my book and no permission was necessary - not even possible since it was "author unknown."

And yes - Love is certainly a part of grief - it's why we feel the way we do. If it were not for the love there would be no pain. The strength of that pain is our validation that we loved deeply.

Peace,

John - Dusky is my handle on here.

Love you Jack

[kayc]

William,

You are right, it makes a difference where we meet people...you meet one kind of person one place and another kind somewhere else...that is to say that who you get to know here is different than who you might meet on a dating site...not that all would be that way, but we're talking generalizations/percentages. (I expect to meet a different kind of person at church than I would in a bar, but that doesn't mean everyone at church is good or everyone in a bar is bad, it just means that generally speaking, you're going to find a different crowd).

And you are also right about the lingering love and pain, it is a memorial to what we shared with that person and the depth of what they mean to us.

[Stallyn]

Dusky, I get to printing it, I just absolutely love it, rememer that song from Nazerus- "Love hurts, love wounds" so true today, its been playing in my mind lately.

Kay, I noticed society is in a rush, no time to say hello or get to know someone, sometimes when I go places I just smile and joke, sometimes it backfires and others light up knowing someone notices them, here, safe to be anytime, dating sites or bars, I question the effort put into it or the expense of just "meeting" people anonymously. Do you just wish seeign your spouse just for a minute, not saying anything but looking with love at each other?

[Dusky]

William,

I do recall the song you mentioned. I find music to be healing as well as the words of things like "My Wish List."

Peace,

John - Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[kayc]

William,

I do see him, inside my heart, and we love each other still, now more than ever. I have forgiven his shortcomings, and accepted him as is, and our love is everything that we thought it to be...full of faith and understanding, and it is there always.

KayC

[Stallyn]

As time passed I forgave Myrna too, I rose above the anger and just feel the good times we had, One regret though, I should have been more attentive to her needs. Hopefully she has forgiven me for my mistakes.

[kayc]

You know, William, that was one of the really good things about our relationship, we always forgave each other, aways understood each other, and I know there's nothing between us but love and understanding. I'm sure Myrna understands too, and all the more so since what was once viewed through a glass darkly is now made plain to them.

KayC

[Stallyn]

Kay, I realized that too, where they are, everything they are becomes full of wisdom. Maybe they know now they served a purpose in our lives, maybe some mistakes but love always at the forefront. I always knew she taught me love and to love, thats the legacy, what I'd give to be married to her again through all this suffering has taught me.

William

[Lynette]

Glad to see you back William. I haven't posted very much but I get online everyday to see how everyone is doing.

Tomorrow, 15th will be 5 months for me and actually I think I was doing better at 3 months than I am now. I know that makes no sense at all. I think I'm getting over being so mad at Mike for leaving me and our family, now I just want him back.

I can tell by your post that you've had some really rough times and I hate to hear that. People can be so mean, the ones that have never dealt with loosing a love one like you're spouse. You just need to be you and don't let anyone try to rush you into anything you are not ready for. If you want to shave, then shave, if you don't, well don't. I have learned one thing through all of this, everyone is different when it comes to grieving. Haven't learned much of anything else but I do know that. lol

I've had just the opposite of what you are going through, everyone at work is trying to baby me and I hate that. Like I told my boss last week, Please don't tippy toe around me, I need to stay very busy at work so my mind doesn't think about my loss.

Anyway.. wanted to tell you hi and glad to read you're post again. At least now you have some very sweet and loving people to talk to that know exactly what you are going through.

Love,

Lynn

[Stallyn]

Thank you Lynette, its difficult for a guy like me to say anything really anymore, it has been trying times for the past year, living to forget, yearning to see the face of Myrna, feeling no anger towards her anymore, or least residual now.

Its been 5 months now?, forgive me, I cant recall as well, You offer your experiences and no matter it be 5 months or 8, we learn from what we offer each other here. It can be just as bothersome with others avoidance behavior. I seen through my course others I interact with on a professional manner say too much or just plain don't get it!

Of course you posted, and showed me again the kindness and love that just doesn't come anywhere else anymore. Its been over year now and whenever I talk about Myrna, it harks back the sorrow but pleasant memories of her life. I be thinking of you tomorrow, may the memories of his life with you comfort you, I be here if you need me.

Love,

William

[kayc]

Lynn,

Good to hear you again, and it's not at all strange that it's harder now than it was at 3 months...when it's fresh you're still in some kind of shock or denial but around 5-7 months reality sets in and you begin to realize they aren't coming back. A lot of people have their toughest time at that point. You're right, it helps so much to have people here who know what you're going through, to listen and care, it's what gets us all through it. You take care of yourself...

KayC