Been Missing Being Here

[Stallyn]

Hey my friends, I havent been around much, it started the first of the year with

my wedding anniversary, February 27th was the last time I saw my dear wife, March gave me the year of loss, and april 1st she would have been 40, Its been a long year already, I decided to deal with this internally than opening up, maybe to prove myself of dealing with this. Time has been hard on me, its been so long it seems, the oneness, love, can't remember what it feels like. well, wanted to express my friends here, I have you in my heart and spirit guiding me along in this difficult journey. I am honored for some of you to message me privately just to check up on me, bless you!

[Art]

Hi Stallyn,

It is good to hear from you. I know the pain and the loneliness you feel. February 28 made a year for me . It has been the hardest time I have ever experienced. I can't seem to get beyond the tears. I can't build a new life because the old one won't let me go. It is impossible to concentrate or focus on anything except the memories, the hurt and the love that I'll never feel again. I don't know what I would do without all the wonderful people on this site. They have become my family and my friends and I lean so heavily on them for strength and guidance. I continue to try and have hope and courage. I know it is not easy, but try to do the same. We are all here and travelling the same road. We all need a ride from time to time.

[missingcharlie]

Stallyn & anyone else that hasn't heard and is interested.....

We are having a lunch get together this coming Sat. April 12th, in the Phoenix area (sorry, other areas....) We will be meeting at Bill Johnson's Big Apple @ 31st Ave. & Indian School Rd. about 1:30pm (I believe that time is correct - Tori, if not let us know).

I'm excited about meeting all of you!!

Have the best week possible and we will see you on Saturday.

Hugs.

Patti

[teny]

IM sorry Im so far away.I wuld like to meet you all my friends .STallyn and Art I know the pain that is my cmpanion also .April is a very hard month for me .I need all the support.My health is going crasy because off the stress sleeples nights and working hard just to keep going and let my mind ocupied with most of the time useles things.I have spend so much energy in grief that my body is giving me signs of alarm.I faint yesterday and feel soo tired.I dont let my children know the way I feel so let you know my friends that do understand. TENY

[LarrysGirl]

Hello Teny, I know you feel far away from us on this site. Please remember we all think of you and listen to your feelings. All you have to do it write us, we are here to listen and support. Teny, I understand the difficulty with sleeping and working hard to keep yourself going. The first year and a half after Larry died I threw myself into my painting. Morning till night I painted. I needed to financially but I was also trying to find a way to cope with the loss. I'm telling you my friend, you have to rest and take it slower. It caught up with me and I physically worn down to complete exhaustion. I lost my desire to paint, lost my desire to do anything. I felt ill all the time. This just added to the horrible grief. I have FORCED myself to sit down and breathe. I'm not accomplishing as much with my painting because I'm having to pace myself. I get worn out very easily. Its been over 2 years now in the grief and I still have to take it slower. Please, I know you are hurting but your health is so important to being able to cope with losing Yanni. I felt frantic 24 hours a day. It did not help anything and made me sick. You said that you fainted. Maybe you should see your doctor again. I know for me, I had to REST, be still, and let my body adjust. I hope this will help you and I'm thinking of you and wish you some peace very soon, Deborah

[Stallyn]

I miss you guys too, it can be hard to put the feeling in words here, I realize if I just check in and say something and know I am thinking of all of you. Thanks for sharing your feelings to me, feels I ma not alone even through this time, Art, I am trying like yourslef to break the cycle and I feel the same with the "old" life still inhabits my space. never in my life has depression been so prolonged. Missing Charlie, I don't know if I can make it to that area, I am about 45 mins away, in East mesa by power and main, nearly outskirts of the city. if a meeting comes closer I am open to it. Teny, please dont apologize, the wonderful thing about the internet brings us in the same virtual space and we stand close to each other, I worry about you, can you take a short trip by yourself? You need time to recover and regenerate, I know my body has been breaking down in areas and I am just tired all the time, just gathering the strength to communicate but sharing our feelings has been beneficial for all of us right guys?

Love,

William

[suzanne]

Hello everyone. I too thought well maybe I will try it alone for a time but I so missed the support from those who truly "get it". It is healing to share with each of you what others can never understand until they have had the sad twisr of fate that throws you into a world you can't recognize. Together we will make it and hold each other up.

Suzanne

[Stallyn]

It hasnt worked to well for the both of us, I feel the burden's heavy, talking if a few or many words helps. I do not have grief therapy anymore, seeing things differently fending for oneself, all there is faith. not much else

[suzanne]

William

We are here for you my friend. Take our hand and although it be virtual we all walk together.

Suzanne

[WendyJ]

Hey guys, even though I have been sick with the flu, I too thought once I hit that year mark that I would start to feel alittle stronger....wrong. As I am sitting here typing this I am looking at my dear Steve's picture, crying my eyes out and can barely see the keys. Nothing has any meaning anymore, nothing to look forward to, each day just runs into the next...just getting by...not really living. Like I told William today I can not find who I am because Steve took half of me with him when he left, so I am only a half a person now. I have friends and family and they are wonderful, but it is not the same. They can not as hard as they try fill the void that I have. This new life sucks, and it is wearing me down.

Love,

Wendy

[suzanne]

Wendy

I so know the feeling. It is a pain and void to never be filled except for our beloved. Life wears me down as well. Maybe mine will be over soon and I can be reunited with my love.

Suzanne

[WendyJ]

Exactly Suzanne, you understand how I feel. I go to bed and get up for work, come home to an empty house after running errands alone. I eat dinner alone, watch tv alone and then I go to bed and start all over again. I have no desire to do anything else all by myself and well I guess maybe I feel closer to him here at home. We were homebodies to begin with, enjoyed taking a drive here and there or going out to a store or for a bite to eat but for the most part would bring home take out and rent a good movie. Here it is another Sunday night and I did nothing all weekend but sit around and watch tv, didn't get all my cleaning or laundry done...why ? Because I didn't feel like it because I no longer have any motivation. WHat is the sense...for who?

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

It's another weekend alone, I ate Doritos for dinner Friday night but did better the rest of the weekend, tried to cook healthy for myself and took walks with the dogs. It's pouring rain and trying to snow again. Like some of you I wonder if this is all there will ever be, nothing matches what was, but I keep trying. At least I've learned to do things for myself, even if there is no one else. Got a couple hours with my son, that's always nice.

You all take care, tomorrow's the start of another work week, at least if nothing else, that kills some time.

Love ya all,

KayC

[Stallyn]

Guys, the question is how long do we live, like this? I am 41, maybe 20-30 years, gosh, Believe me, my sentiment is the same, being home with this dreadful silence, no one to tend to, laugh, joke, tried anything and everything to fill this emptiness with fixing things up, cleaning, doesn't work, its a little reward that I only see. We didn't go out much either, maybe a week or two shopping or dining. counting the times doing it alone, 5-6 times, no enjoyment like it was almost 2 years, she was deteriorating long before she passed. Well life indeed stinks, its existing now, humdrum of the clock ticking anticipating maybe a joyful day will come.

[fred]

Okay friends, we are all doing the same things; trying the same diversions (well, maybe not all the same diversions), working ourselves to exhaustion, turning inward and withdrawing, self-medicating or starving (are there any Doritos left, Kay, I´m hungry), wondering how long we have to survive this way or wondering why we bother. We all hope tomorrow will be a better day and then are so discouraged by noon we can´t wait for the day to end so we can have another restless night. I know that there are people that have survived their grief, even learned to live and love again; but all they can tell me is that it takes time. Sometimes there are suggestions on how to keep going, often, warnings on what not to do. There just aren´t any magic formulas.

Right now, I am trying to pick out small things that help, even if only for a few minutes. This site, with all of you, shows me I am not as alone as I feel. At times the ability to visit here at any hour is very comforting, at other times the emptiness in my arms is overwhelming and I understand how a local grief support group might have advantages. Being with people can provide a pleasant distraction, too much time seems suffocating. Is there a balance or do we all bounce back and forth? Many of us have expected a change when we got through the first year, or maybe that was what we were told or ¨allowed¨. The disappointment seems to make it harder to keep going, maybe we shouldn´t be expecting better days, maybe we need to learn to take each one as it comes and learn to just live it. Was that what we used to do, I can´t remember now?!

One survivor told me she tried to do someting new every day; learn a new skill, travel a different path, talk with someone new. I have tried this from time to time, but maybe I am too old or have already done too many new things, or maybe it is still to early to expect anything to help. Anyone else have any tips?

One more thing I have noticed that seems to be beyond my control is that when I am feeling the lowest, I am the least communicative. Is this a masculine thing or a grief thing or just another personal quirk? I think I see a similar trend in some of your posts, but I may be mistaken. Any thoughts? Need you all, thanks!

[KathyG]

Fred,

Not wanting to communicate when you're deep in despair is definitely not for men only, and I think it may be common to a lot of us who are grieving. I'm not chatty in the best of times, but in those moments when I feel I can't bear to live another second without my Bill - I don't want anyone around and won't talk to anyone who is there. I just shut down.

Strangely enough, though, in the past few weeks whenever I've hit bottom, that's when my sister or a friend has phoned me. Sometimes that has lifted my spirits a little. But even when it hasn't and I couldn't help pouring out my misery, God bless my friends and family, because they were kind enough to listen and support me and stay on the line with me until I'm done venting. Is it a coincidence that they just happened to call when I was at my lowest? Maybe, but who knows?

Like everyone here, I'm trying to cope by staying active, taking care of myself and going forward one day at a time. But also like everyone else, I feel that nothing has meaning anymore. Years ago there was a hit song, "Is That All There Is?" I ask myself that question often these days. The best I can seem to do (and it does help a little) is to really savor the tiny, brief moments that make me happy. For instance, before when my dog wanted to play, I'd give her a quick pet, maybe play with her for a few minutes and then go back to my chores. Now, I drop what I was doing, play till we're both tired, and hold and talk to her for as long as she wants.

[WendyJ]

I agree Kathy, when I am feeling at my lowest just getting off the chair to go into the other room to go on the computer is such a big chore. Sometimes if I am already on the computer and I am feeling down I will post though and spill my guts out. You know what I was thinking this morning about too was, Steve and I always talked about getting old together. And you know when you have someone to grow old with it makes it alittle more bearable, know what I mean? So if you looked in the mirror and saw a new wrinkle etc. you didn't like it but you knew you no longer had to worry about trying to impress your spouse...they loved you no matter what. Now you are all alone out there and no longer considered married, some of us now have to claim single on our W-2's and tax forms and it is sad but makes you think, could anyone else love me with all my faults ? I never wanted to be out there and single again, only a few months before Steve passed I had said to him with all the crap and diseases out there I am so glad I am not single, maybe I should have kept my mouth shut, huh?

Love,

Wendy

[KathyG]

I still think of myself as married, though on tax and insurance forms I list myself as single now. And I still wear my wedding ring.

Though I've learned you should never say never, I can't imagine myself in, or even wanting, another relationship. Bill was my second husband - my first marriage was hell. I'd never want to risk getting involved with another guy like my first husband. And I can't imagine finding anyone more right for me than Bill. What we had, I'll never find again. And anything else wouldn't measure up.

[Dusky]

To all,

There have been many times in the past three years when this site has been a salvation for me - the middle of the night when no one else was available. For example, I always knew that I could come to this site and read about people experiencing a similar pain. You have all been dear friends to me. I too have spent some months and weeks away from these pages, in a contributing fashion, however I have always kept abreast of posts being made. Sometimes it is easier to post than other times, since time changes the ebb and flow of what we are experiencing.

The person we all were before our loved one died - our spouse, mate or partner - has changed us forever. We will never be that person again and this is exactly why it is so difficult for those who knew the "old" us to adapt to the "new" us - the only "us" that remains. We struggle to find out who we are and those who used to know us struggle to come to term with the changed "us." Death has transformed us – forever.

There was a piece of information that appeared on the internet some time ago, that struck me as meaningful. It was by an unknown author and listed “The Wish List” for all of us who are grieving. It was so meaningful to me I included “The Wish List” in my book. It lists many of the obstacles that we have all encountered repeatedly during the loss of our mates – and the very last one listed is a plea to those who knew the old us to remember the following. It states the “last wish” this way….

“I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my beloved died, and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to ‘get back to my old self,’ you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know this different me – I’m the one who’ll be here from now on.”

When I come to this site I there are people who know the person I have become – and I am greatly for each of you being here for me – even when some of those days I have been a silent participant – reading and not posting.

What a great group of human beings you all are – and what a helpful web site Marty has created for each of us. I am grateful for this site. I am grateful for Hospice of the Valley. I am grateful for each of you. You have each made this a journey that did not have to be experienced alone.

Love and peace,

John – Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[MartyT]

Bless your very precious heart, dear John. We are grateful for you, too. What would this site be, if not for the earth angels such as yourself who make up this loving family of ours?

[Stallyn]

Hello Fred, makes alot of sense to me, I guess being the self destructive personality which Myrna would keep in check.

Kathy I really thought also that non-communication was a guy thing, maybe its the way I was raised, if we had a problem, don't talk about it, to this day I cannot change that additude, definitely not marriage material, ok I am trying to justify being content alone. Never say never, scares me, if it happens ok if not oh well

Derek, you breathed new life in reading your post, I forgot its been 3 years for you, does it get easier? you are far along this that most of us, what happens in another year? revisiting the same hellish nightmares, or moving on slowly?

Wendy, no matter what you could have said, the outcome would have been the same, many what if's still pacing the mind of us, survivors guilt maybe.

Love,

William

[kayc]

William,

"Not marriage material..." I wouldn't say that, I would say it makes it more challenging perhaps, but don't discount the possibility. You were "marriage material" once before, don't you think you were a worthwhile husband to have? My John isn't good at the talking about feelings thing, neither is my son, or my ex, but that in no way means that any of them aren't "marriage material" or valuable contributors to a relationship. I have learned over the years to try to ascertain what a person meant rather than just what they said, and you can tell a lot by someone's body language, voice, knowing the person, etc.

I can't speak for Derek, but for myself the third year is much easier than the at and 2nd, maybe because we get more used to it, maybe because we've had more time to process thing, make adjustments, etc.

We've all missed you, it's good to have you back, William!

KayC

[Stallyn]

Kay,

I wonder if it can be done again, my late wife was exceptionally understanding of my illness and disability, through the years, I seen nearly most women my age want a guy with alot of money, mercedes, the whole bit and Myrna wasn't like that, had a good job but didnt care about materialistic things, how can anyone surpass her? she stood by me though the good times and many bad times, maybe not optimistic about it anymore, she was my soulmate. I would be classified as shy and introverted, not readily available to many options. Thanks, I am grateful to be back, I reached the limits of grief and here is home for a long time.

Love,

William

[WendyJ]

Gosh John I just love to read your posts ! I had never heard of the Wish List before but that line you wrote from it touched me deeply, it is so true...we will all never be the same people again. John where can I get a copy of your book?

Love,

Wendy

P.S. William you shy and introverted ? I have known you for quite awhile now and we have become best friends and I never would clasify you as that. I think you are very outgoing and sweet and have been there to offer comfort to all of us.

[Stallyn]

It feels that way Wendy, LOL, everyone I know here in Mesa says I need to get out and socialize, your kind words mean alot

Love,

William