Lost My Mother Apr 8

[wilma2]

Hi my mother passed the 8th of this month. She had lung cancer and her last tests showed the mass had grown a bit but not a lot. she was still getting around and making meals etc. I live with her and my father since they are both elderly. So I am there for the doctors, meals etc anything that needs to be done. But in the days before mom passed she began behaving very different. It began with talking in her sleep that she had never done before but on the Friday night before we took her in she began making no sense. Talking of things in the past and things that did not make sense. So the sat morning i took her to the hospital but by this time the confusion cleared and she did not understand why she was going in. After awhile in the emergency she became very angry and agressive to me out of character for her. I got a call from the hospital hours later (they thought my pressence maybe was making it worse so i went home) saying she was again very aggressive and screaming. I tried to calm her over the phone and an hour later they called me back saying she was ok. She was quite the next few days talking of coming home and the nurses were sure she was coming home until tues when they told me she had taken a turn for the worse could no longer "suction" herself and they were going to move her to the hospice as it was her time. She was only there hours before she passed. But I am having trouble getting over the guilt of putting her in the hospital. Had she given up? IN the hospital she said i was Judas for doing it and I had let her down and things like that. Did she just give up and stop fighting because i put her there? The doctors have suggested (when i asked i was not really in my right mind stresswise so I kinda dont remember) that perhaps the cancer had spread to her brain but I dont understand can it go from the lung to the brain in days? I would have thought we would see things like slurred speech or dropping things if that was the case. I just feel so guilty. A friend has told me not to but she has not been there so I was hoping to ask those who have. Did she give up because i put her there?

[Matthew618]

Wilma, I can not tell you if your mother gave up but I can tell you you did what you thought was best for her. That's all we can do for our loved ones who die. Matt

[leeann]

Wilma

So sorry for the loss of your Mom. And under the circumstances you descibed, it must have been very difficult for you.

My first significant loss was someone who passed away from lung canceer as well. He also had 'mets' (it had spread) to the brain and yes the symptoms of that came on very suddenly and were very inconsistent. Some of his behavior was way out of character for him near the end. It was a bit weird to deal with. He was himself one minute and definitely not himself the next. Made it quite challenging! (and upsetting for a bit in the beginning.. but then we looked at it as he was just beginning to "go" and maybe he wouldn't remember any of this.

But, in my experience, cancer can spread pretty steathily & quickly sometimes and the symptoms can have a very sudden appearance. However.. the spreading may have been going on for a bit prior. I have also heard of folks feeling very well right up until mere days before their passing. Everyone is different and cancer can be very unpredictable... even for the Docs.

He did end up dying at home as the spreading was confirmed mostly from just speaking to his Doc over the phone. (He was really too ill to travel to the Doc's by then.) The Hospice nurse was already in their home when this started and also said his behaviors and reactions were typical for someone with cancer in the brain.

But it did seem to come out of nowhere... we were just very fortunate to already have hospice in there and they suggested calling the Doc. Then they had a hospice nurse come over and she too spoke to the Doc.

Wilma.. I don't think she was in her 'Mom as you knew her' mind near the end. And I doubt she would ever feel towards you as she expressed in the hospital.. that was probably the cancer talking and not "Mom", ya know? So I wouldn't worry about anything negative she may have said to you. I know most of us have struggled with guilt about certain aspects of our losses.. but we have a tendency not to "stay" there feeling guilty for long. It is just part of grief itself I think. We move on when we realize.. we did the best we could for our loved ones.

As far as giving up??? I dunno if she did or not. But in the end for all of us I think.. there has to be some kind of surrender. Maybe it was simply her time to go or she felt that way. Doesn't matter really though, does it? Her body was quitting on her.. so she moved on to a place where she wouldn't need it anymore. At least I would like to think so anyway.

I think you did the best you could for Mom and I bet she knew that and appreciated it so much. You I'm sure were such a source of comfort to both of your parents during this time. How nice it must have been for them to have you right there in case they needed help in a hurry. Peace of mind is hard to come by when one is fighting cancer.. but I bet you gave them that by being there for them.

Now.. maybe you should make sure you take some time out for yourself to reflect, cry, heal etc. I bet you are concerned for your Dad now, but make sure you give enough time and attention to yourself too.

Let us know how you are doing.

leeann

[STARKISS]

Hi Wilma,

I just wanted to say how sorry I am in the loss of your mother.. It is certainly hard when losing someone who you love so much... I lived with both of my parents as well until they died... My mom on the day before she died she acted so very strange... She acted like she had been drinking but I knew she had not been... She acted so weird it scared me to death... She died while we were on vacation in Las Vegas she went in to the hospital down there on Saturday and died Monday.... It has been three years and I can give you hope that it does get better... You have more good than bad days... You still have the bad but it does not hurt as much... I will keep you in my prayers Shelley

[wilma2]

thank you everyone you all know what a trying time this is. I am surprised to learn it can go from the lungs to the brain in a matter of days. My biggest fear is that I caused the aggression and stuff. Logically I know that is not true but logic goes out the window these days. I mean I know that I did what i did out of love but still. She had times of calmness so it scares me to think that i let her down. That she was of her right mind but so hurt and angry at what i did that she stopped eating etc. Logically i tell myself i would not have taken her in if she was of her right mind. But then does it spread that fast? The doctor told me it could have been lack of oxygen to her brain (years of smoking had her on oxygen) or a uniary tract infection but the tests showed negative. I just feel so guilty even though it is illogical to.

[rosanne]

thank you everyone you all know what a trying time this is. I am surprised to learn it can go from the lungs to the brain in a matter of days. My biggest fear is that I caused the aggression and stuff. Logically I know that is not true but logic goes out the window these days. I mean I know that I did what i did out of love but still. She had times of calmness so it scares me to think that i let her down. That she was of her right mind but so hurt and angry at what i did that she stopped eating etc. Logically i tell myself i would not have taken her in if she was of her right mind. But then does it spread that fast? The doctor told me it could have been lack of oxygen to her brain (years of smoking had her on oxygen) or a uniary tract infection but the tests showed negative. I just feel so guilty even though it is illogical to.

Dearest Wilma2,

My heart goes out to you. I lost my mom to cancer last June. You did the best you knew how to do at the time, I don't think there is a right or wrong way when you are dealing with decisions as this. She was your mother you loved her, and she loved you in the end that is all that really matters. Please, do not blame yourself for anything. You have your father to deal with, as I still do and let me assure you there is nothing like having to care for someone after such a loss, it is like I never really had time to grieve I was just thrown into caregiver- let me tell you, I am grieving almost as much today as I did the day it happened. I have times that it hurts me so bad I can barely stand it- matter of fact yesterday was one of those days- I really did not even see it coming- it just hits you. Take time to grieve, some time for yourself if that is possible- I did not do that.

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right... Forget about the one's who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

Rosanne

[MartyT]

Wilma, dear ~

Once again, there is this matter of guilt. Have you read the thread started by Tan Sim last Friday, in this same forum? See Lost My Father 2 Weeks Ago

[wilma2]

it seems as though guilt is almost automatic for this kinda thing. Many different reasons but guilt is a constant. Like i said i feel this disconnect between what is logical and what I feel deep down. Logically i know I have nothng to feel guilty about but still I do. She wanted to go home soooooooo badly. What if she was just so mad at me for putting her there she gave up? I feel so out of sorts like my whole equilibrium is off. I dont know what normal is. I am used to being the one to care for everyone including brothers and sisters where before i did not mind now it feels like piling on.

[leeann]

Wilma

What if she was just so mad at me for putting her there she gave up?

I'm not sure that is possible Wilma... maybe it was just her time.

Keep saying to yourself that you did the best you could and that everything you did for her was motivated by your love for her. Those fears you are feeling will go. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to be feeling so badly about this now.

As I have said before.. none of this would hurt so bad if we weren't loved very well and loved them well in return.

That disconnect between logic & emotions will wane over time. Don't worry about it. Just tell yourself it is all part of grief. No equilibrium.. oh yeah... I can sure identify with that. That too does come back in time though.

It IS very early days yet for you Wilma. I know you are miserable hon and I hate to say it.. but that's kinda normal for right now. Please know.. we do so understand and know how bad this hurts. So normal for now IS painful.

But continue to share and express things here in this warm and caring environment. We do "get it".

Any caring of others seems so overwhelming at times especially so in the beginning. So I asked for help...and I still do. I learned to say "No, I'm sorry I can't do that right now; I'm just not feeling up to that."

I had to slow down on the helping of others and give myself more time.

So maybe your sisters and brothers may be able to help you out a bit more now or at least ask a bit less of you. But do not be afraid to state your limitations, because grief causes loads of limitations. We literally have to learn to live life without our loved one. And that is a tall order. So be stingy with yourself and your time a bit.

It helps I find to go easy.... very easy with my time and energy. I am very careful how I spend those right now.. because I need to be. I'm grieving and healing.

I put others first for a real long time because of other things that happened right after we found my Mom dead and now... I gotta get myself a priority or I will indeed be no good to anyone at all.

It's all a balance and that balance can change everyday... It's kinda like trying to keep your balance while walking on golf balls.

So I try to keep an open mind, be patient with myself (which helps me be more patient with others), take my time during the day, (ie: walk through the day instead of running),listen to my heart and find some healthy ways to express my feelings. Each day is different it seems. Some easier than others. So I just try to accept that is all just part of it.

Things will indeed get better Wilma... but try to be patient with yourself. Grief takes some serious time and attention.

Keep us posted on how you are doing.

leeann

[wilma2]

Thanks all. I am surprised that it happend so quick. But it does bring me comfort to know it is possible to happen like that but I guess guilt in all this is kinda automatic? It was two weeks today and that makes it tough. I have considered writing mom a letter getting out all the "i am sorry" that i feel. I keep playing the what ifs over and over in my head.

[leeann]

Wilma that letter writing sounds like a real good idea! Try it.. it may indeed be just what you need and make you feel much better and make the "what if's" scram.

I talk to my past loved ones frequently. Even ones that have been gone quite some time now.

Ya know.. even through everything... I find it's true that Love itself.. never really dies. And I can feel that love pass between and among us still.

Keep us posted.

leeann

[wilma2]

is it wrong i am just not ready to write that letter? i thought i was but I just can not do that. Just saying moms name makes me choke back tears. i keep wondering to myself was i good enough to her? A good enough daughter, kind enough, patient enough loving enough did she know all how i felt?

[leeann]

Is it wrong that you aren't ready yet to write that lettter???

Oh no Wilma.. NOT at all. You just take your time. I just thought it was a great idea for when you are ready. And if you are not ever ready.. that's ok too.

Ya know I talk to my Mom and I find that is easier for me than taking up paper and pen. You might try that as well if it's easier for you. BUT only when you are ready. You are the expert on your grief.

The "was I good enough?" thoughts.. yup done those too.

And then... I thought about what my Mom would have said in answer to that question when she was here and not feeling ill.

And.. I think she would have said "Of course!" and thought me silly for even asking!

Think about what your Mom would have said to answer that when she was feeling good....

((((Wilma)))) hugs for you.

leeann

[Gwilan]

Hi Wilma I am very sorry for your loss.

I think writing a letter when it is time for you to do so sounds like a brilliant idea. I found my time and wrote my first letter to my Dad today. It does take time sometimes and there's nothing wrong with that. I couldn't even put pen to paper for anything more than signing my name or writing a check after he passed. I think it might have to do with making the loss more concrete- at least for me. To record it on paper, even prior to burning the letter (to send it, so to speak) makes the loss seem more real somehow.

I lost my father to cancer last year. I found too that he was very different before he went- combative against certain things, like wearing his oxygen mask. To just short of violence even. The personality change really hits home with me and I can see where it would be painful for you to experience.

I just want you to know that I feel for you and your loss and am wishing you well.

Gwi

[AnnieO]

Hello,

I am so sorry for you loss. My mom died Dec.06 and my dad died Oct.07.

I am seeing a grief therapist and wanted to tell you a huge part of what I have done is letter writing. It was so hard at first but I feel it really helped me. But it took a very long time for me to be able to write the letters, so dont feel like you should do this, until the time is right. One other thing I had to do was write down the questions I had for my parents and then I wrote down what I would want the answers to be or what I think my parents would have said. I let go of alot of the guilt and "what ifs"...It was very healing.You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[shauna marie]

My heart goes out to you, Wilma.

I think one thing that is important to remember is what actually ended her beautiful life--it wasn't you putting her in the hospital, it was the cancer. You had to make a decision because of the cancer. There is also no way for you to predict that it still would not have happened if you had not put her in the hospital. Then you would probably have the other feelings of guilt, "Should I have put her in the hospital"?

There is no time limit on grief and you have to be very gentle with yourself. It's been almost 2 1/2 years and I still don't have any pictures of my mom up. I can't look at them.

Take care,

Shauna

[wilma2]

thank you for your kind words everyone. I just feel so lost and so emotional with everything right now it sure helps to hear from others who have been there. Of course i wish it was a club that did not have to form in the first place. I have never been one to take things slow but I am finding out now that taking it slow is the only thing i can do.

[leeann]

I have never been one to take things slow but I am finding out now that taking it slow is the only thing i can do.

Oh boy Wilma... me too. I hate to say it.. but with each significant death I have gotten slower and slower.. lol

But.. I've learned a whole lot too. And maybe one thing I had to learn was to slow way down. The hardest for me was to just accept me as I was, in whatever state I was in.

The expectations I set for myself in life were way higher than anyone else could have set for me. I was tougher on me than I would ever be to anyone else.

And not surprising.. I also learned how to be a bit more humble.

(((((((Wilma)))))))

Take your time... all the time you need.

leeann

[wilma2]

Leeann i can not tell you how big a help you have been if there is one thing I have learned is that unless you have been there you dont know. And so it is good to talk to someone that has. Thank you. I feel right now that the world is going on around me not with me in it. Like everything was organized before and I knew not only how to do things but what had to be done and what came next. Now i feel like my entire sense of balance and sense of equilibrium is off like before i could take a part a car (well not really) with my eyes closed but now i can not add 2=2...how long does this last?

[leeann]

Now i feel like my entire sense of balance and sense of equilibrium is off like before i could take a part a car (well not really) with my eyes closed but now i can not add 2=2...how long does this last?

Um... I don't know... cuz I'm still right there being dizzy with ya. lol

I keep trying to blame my "age" but.. ya know.. I don't think that is it really. (I'm still on the right side of 50)

It's probably just grief.

Look Wilma, I can say thank you too... because every time you share something.. I'm getting affirmed too! So, thank YOU too!

You know it's bad when you are back at the store three days in a row to get things you had somehow miraculously remembered to write on a list the first day.. but yet somehow left the store twice without buying. Oh boy... (Yes... this happened.. this week!)

I know exactly what you mean by having no equilibrium. Yup.. tis gone. Will it return??... probably.. at some point. Or maybe, I will get used to not having any.. either one. lol

There is no center to me it seems. Like Mom took it with her.

I'm hoping she returns it soon. lol

If not I'm doomed -

*to write lists for like... ever;

*to check & re-check things a ridiculous amount of times (ie: patting my pocket frequently to make sure I have the car keys in there);

*to go up & down the stairs several times before remembering what I was going up or down for;

*to keep telling myself where I am going while I am driving;

*to treating my pocket calendar like it was my engagement ring;

(I do get some points for not forgetting to pick up either of my kids though... haven't done that.. yet it wouldn't surprise me if I did.)

So I have no idea when that balance returns... or if it returns. I had this for awhile after my other significant deaths, like my Dad's. But it seemed like it passed a whole lot quicker those times than this time.

Everything seems so much different with Mom's passing. She actually passed away in Jan. 07. But I had delayed my grief to handle the estate business; like prepping, listing and selling the house. Also my husband had very serious surgery June 07. He was recovering all summer & had additional surgery from complications from the 1st surgery in Sept. 07.

Then he had a completely different health scare in December around the holidays. He's ok Thank God. So after all of that.. I don't think I really started grieving Mom proper til February this year.

So yeah I feel like I'm totally out of sync with everything & everyone around me.. unless they have gone through this.. like all of the people here.

So right now.. I'm trying to not judge myself & laugh at my dizziness instead. And try not to take life so seriously. I mean, I have enough sad feelings.. it would be better to laugh at this stuff than get angry or inpatient with myself I think.

I have tried to stay involved in my kid's activities and keep up with them as much as possible. But I remember last Fall another parent asked me to do something... and I must have responded with my now famous confused.. "Um.. Huh??" faces and the woman just turned to my daughter and said, "You understand right? So help her." And then I just laughed and counted on my daughter to help me "get it". And she did. LOL

Yes.. it most definitely feels like I have been on another planet in another galaxy sometimes. Well.. often times. But I guess this is just part of it.

So Wilma.. let's stumble through together and smile when we can.

leeann

[lorikelly]

Wilma

i believe you did what was best for your mom, she wasn't mad at you just confused . my mom was home with me and then she went into the hospital then hospice and died 5 weeks later for so long i blamed myself. i thought if i had done a better job and she stayed home she would of lived. i have to come to realize (after many hours of therapy, sleepless nights and tears) that i could not have prevented her death. only God can control that. my heart goes out to you b/c i remenber that feeling and somedays i still beat myself up about it. take one day at a time and remenber that your mom loved you and was thankful that you helped her. lori

[wilma2]

some days are so much harder then others. The first month anniversary to me was reliving that painful day but it seems to me i notice more mothers day sales and announcements then ever before and i wish this sunday did not exist.

[goddessinsecta]

Dear Wilma--

Oh, honey! I am so sorry for all you've been through. I teared up when I read your story--you must NOT be one bit guilty for what you did. You did a very loving thing for your mama. Her yelling and fussing about your so-called treachery---you said yourself that this was very unusual behavior for her. I know I'm not supposed to diagnose on this board, but I'm sure going to let you know what I think happened.

From her symptoms, I believe the cancer had spread to her brain. The brain is the number one metastasis for both breast and lung cancer. She could have had the seeds of brain metastasis for months but was asymptomatic until very late in the game when the tumor/tumors grew enough to cause neurological symptoms. This was a real mercy, to have it happen right at the end. Sometimes it takes months to die with brain cancer, and it's really bad to go through. It was good that it happened to her the way it did.

The other thing that might have caused her change of personality was lack of oxygen to the brain, which could have been caused by many things--but especially the fact that she had lung cancer.

I have been an RN for thirty years this month, and have cared for many with lung cancer, including my darling father in-law. He had lung cancer for three years before it spread to his brain--my husband and I were watching for neuro symptoms like a hawk. Three days before he passed, his speech got slurred and his right eye was swollen--and the eye was no longer tracking. We knew instantly what was going on, and told Hospice to get ready (they'd been with us for six months already). They brought in a hospital bed and all the rest of the medical equipment that very day. He went into a coma over a two-day period and fought every step of the way, sometimes physically--and the third day he relaxed, and then he was able to die. Finally. My sweet Charles.

This is a tender time for you, Wilma, with Mother's Day tomorrow. Please do not let this load of toxic guilt poison and weaken you. Think what your mama would say to you from heaven--how sad she would be that she inadvertently caused that pain you feel. Surely you know she would not have said those things had she not been disoriented. And she would want you to think of the good things as much as possible as you heal from this terrible trauma. You will still have great pain and a long time healing from losing your mother, but please try to give yourself a gift tomorrow--shedding that guilt. You have absolutely nothing to reproach yourself for.

Write back to us any time. You are among friends.

Margaret

[wilma2]

Godess i sure appreciate your comments. It is refreshing to know from you and everyone here that it can happen that fast. I am trying but so many times it feels i am going backwards. I feel a state of limbo. So much left unsaid, undone so much to do that i have not been able to. I feel I am not really living today but thinking about what i did not do in the past and thinking about what I have to do in the future...

[leeann]

I feel I am not really living today but thinking about what i did not do in the past and thinking about what I have to do in the future...

You will be able to let go of the past when you are ready to Wilma.

And then you can start on what you want to do in the future.

It helps me to remember that I may feel like I am going backwards.. but the fact is, I am indeed moving forward.

leeann