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Has Anyone Experienced This?


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I am new to this forum, but have read many members reports of their experiences with the loss of a loved one. I lost my husband 7 months ago, after 62 years of marriage, a very long illness caring for him at home and in a nursing home with hospice care. My days were completely taken up with the details of his care while spending as much time with him as possible. Since his death, I am having a reaction I haven't read about anyone else experiencing, and would like to know if it is unusual. Almost immediately after his death, I was driven to keep busy with projects around the house, going thru family archives, papers, files, closets, drawers and family albums. I have this ever-present fear that I will run out of projects to do, and then I will panic or fall apart with the feeling of abandonment, being useless and unneeded. While I keep busy, the pain and grief feelings are somewhat under control, but I dread the time when I won't find any worthy things needed doing, ansd then his loss will overwhelm me. Has anyone else had a similar experience? Thanks for listening!

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Hi am I am sorry for your loss, I loss my husband about 8 weeks ago. Doing the furnal and the services I was strong just doing the next right thing. When everyone left and went on with their lives, the reality set in. I also took care of my husband at home on hospice he lasted 3 months on hospice. I have not experience what you have. I have not been able to keep busy, just not had the engery to do anything. Now it is getting a little better. However when I am alone I feel, which I beleive I must do to get through the grief, I feel the longer I run from it the longer it will be here. Each of us goes through differenty, if you need to keep busy then that is what you do, however realize that there is nothing there is not way you can advoid going through the grief you can postpond however it will always be there waiting.

Stay encouraged and take care of yourself. There is some point that all will be done and it will be just you, and at that time we will be here for you like we are now.

Much Love Jackie

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Hi Benali,

Welcome to this group of caring people. I didn't have that long a marriage or that long of caring for his illness, but I did do what you're talking about. My husband was ill for some time, but he died suddenly driving home from golf on the freeway. He was gone when I got to the hospital. I know I was in shock, but I called everyone to let them know, spent the next week taking care of all the paperwork (tons of it) and kept busy doing whatever there was to do with my daughter at my side. People must grieve in different ways and maybe this is how you're grieving. I wouldn't worry about what will happen when you slow down, just take a step at a time and try to flow with whatever feelings come upon you. My husband will have been gone 3 years the end of July, and there have been many feelings and things I've gone through. You'll make it...just don't worry ahead of time about what is to happen. Keeping busy is important and taking care of yourself is important, too. We all are here for you when you want to talk or vent or whatever.

Your friend, Karen :wub:;)

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Benali,

That sounds like exactly what I went through after my wife's death. We were married for 11 years and her death was sudden but the afterwards part fits mee to a "T". I worked around the house fixing up things until I would almost drop from exaustion. As projects got completed I found a few other things to do and then during the winter I completely stopped. I still do things around the house to keep it going but I found other areas to involve myself in. One thing is I have gotten very active in my church. There has to be volunteer places where you live that would keep you from feeling like there is nothing left. You will find times where nothing is going on and you are left with just the thoughts in your mind and then some of the pain will return. Just go with the flow and allow yourself to feel those feelings. It will get better and life will start to feel better.

Love always

Derek

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There may be some truth to your dread, in this sense: to the extent that your busyness is pushing the loss aside so you don't have to deal with, then yes it will be there waiting for you when you are no longer busy. And in fact it will be somewhat worse than if you had dealt with it along the way.

Try this: give yourself some period of time each day specifically to grieve, to FEEL what you need to feel. Perhaps plan on just 5 or 10 minutes but leave yourself plenty of elbow room because sometimes you may open the floodgates and may need an hour to cry, or scream at God, or whatever. Don't panic if you are overwhelmed. It will pass. And you have to do it sooner or later.

"Project mania" can also be a manifestation of fighting the loss of identity. The end of a 62 year marriage is a tremendous loss of identity. Even the end of several years of care-giving is a tremendous loss of identity, as I can testify to. So, before you run out of projects, it might be helpful to dip your toe in the water, so to speak, of some new activities / hobbies / shopping / casual friendships / weekend getaways, things of that nature, with the idea of exploring around for things that interest and please you. Latch on to some new activities and they will begin to shape and define your existence so that when you are caught up on your projects you will have new things to do -- and hopefully things that are not just keeping busy for their own sake, but for your sake.

There is nothing wrong in providing for your own needs. You can do that without "forgetting" your husband or dishonoring his memory in anyway. There is no danger of forgetting him.

There is nothing wrong with accepting what has happened. You can do that without approving of it or liking it, or becoming indifferent to your loss.

There is nothing wrong with building a new life. Your new life can and will honor the old one. My life is evolving into something quite different from my life with my wife, but it would not be possible without the contributions she made to my life, the ideas and validation that she gave me. I miss her every day, but I am grateful for her every day too.

As for being useless and un-needed, well ... if you were useful to, and needed by, your husband, then you can be important to others also ... and to yourself. Your husband wasn't validating you out of pity, but because who and what you are was valuable to him. You have intrinsic worth. Some people will not value it, but some will appreciate the same things in you that your husband did.

Make sure you are one of those people who value you. One of my greatest sorrows is that my wife never more than half believed how much I loved and respected her, because she had a core belief that she wasn't worthy. Believe your husband. You *are* valuable.

Lastly, the matter of feelings of abandonment. For obvious reasons, this is something women struggle with much more than men. We men feel dismembered more than abandoned. So I don't pretend to have direct "been there, done that" understanding, but ... because of my religious background I can't help but feel abandoned by God. Every unanswered prayer is like a betrayal when it comes to the need to alleviate suffering for someone you care about, to give just one example. Sometimes I wonder if women aren't projecting their feelings toward God / fate / life / the universe / whatever upon their deceased husbands, because, let's face it, we all know in our heads at least that our spouse didn't fail us by dying. My God, Linda hung on to life with a tenacity that you wouldn't believe. I have been reading CS Lewis' A Grief Observed recently, and his wife, dying of cancer, cried out bitterly, "but there is so much to live for!!".

I don't have a satisfying solution to this dilemma, and the guy who claims to probably also has a bridge in New York that he'd like to sell you. However, putting the onus where it belongs can, I think, be helpful to your psychological health. God has broad shoulders, so he won't mind.

Best to you,

--Bob

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Benali,

I've also turned to home fix-up projects since my husband died 6 months ago. I think it's a normal and understandable reaction when the person whose caretaker you've been dies. Because the caretaker tasks were part of your old identity, you become driven to find other tasks to fill that new void within yourself.

I don't view the projects as tools to take our minds off grief. The grief is always present whether we're busy or not. But while we mourn and gradually start to make new lives, while we start coming to terms with our loss, we may as well tackle other work that needs to be done. It provides a sense of accomplishment at a time when we feel wounded, weak and helpless. And it helps us to build confidence in our ability to rebuild our lives: "If I can get the house in shape, then I can rebuild myself too."

For me, the projects are also a kind of tribute to my husband. Most of the things I'm fixing or remodeling were projects we had either started or planned to do together. So completing the projects provides some closure. And if Bill is still watching me, I think he's pleased with what I've done so far.

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

Hi Benali, my husband died two months ago, I have stayed busy since then moving and taking care of paperwork and such. But i can say that the people around me have helped me alot. my family, my kids and my church. Keeping doing something is how i have been helped. My symphaties for your loss. Im new here also. but already im finding some help in what others have gone trough.

God Bless

Keep praying for me as I will for you

blessings

kimb

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Benali,

Welcome to the board. I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, this is a common reaction. My dad died three and a half years ago and my mom was never the same after he died and I took care of her until she passed away in June (last June). I also experienced this years ago when I spent three years taking care of one of my cats who had multiple illnesses. I think part of it is that we suddenly have "nothing to do". You spend all your time concentrating on your loved one and then, in a second, it's over, they're gone. And you feel like "what do I do now?" It's a very strange thing that happens. And it does help to keep your mind off the grief, but there will come a time, when you're ready, that you will face it and it will sort of even out. You won't feel quite the same need to stay busy. Hang in there.

Hugs,

Shell

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  • 4 weeks later...

Benali:

I lost my husband 3 weeks ago. We have been together 20 years. He woke up one morning feeling sick and then pains in his chest. We went to the hospital and that was the beginning of the end for him and me. He recovered but with a damaged heart that was unrepairable and also breathing with a vent. After 5 months in the hospital, he got to the point that it was the best that the hospital could do for him, but there was hope with a heart assist device. It would have been a bridge to a heart transplant. But with hearts that have little capacity, there is always the risk of infections, organ failures, adema (swelling around the heart and other parts of the body). You name it he got it. Just as he was accepted to another hospital for the device, he got a bacterial blood infection which releases toxins throughtout the body and causes sepsis. He never was able to get the device that all the doctors and nurses were sure would have made his heart stronger, breath better and rehab faster and eventually get a heart transplant. I went to the hospital every day for 5 months, while also going to work. Sometimes stayed all night. Most of our families don't live close, I don't have any children, so it was all up to me. I was with him when he passed. I don't know how we can say that dying is peaceful, but for him it was.

This is my first time I am on this board, that's why I needed to tell my story.

But Benali I do know what you are going through. My husband and I were in the middle of rennovating our home. There is a ton of debris that needs to be cleaned up. Everyone tells me that I should take it slow. But I can't seem to stop from cleaning and throughing things out. Just constantly doing a million things around the house. Taking care of the garden and whatever else needs to be done.

I hope your loss with lessen in time. I will pray for you.

As I try to hang in there day by day, I hope you try to do the same.

God Bless,

Jeanne

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Jeanne, dear ~ I just want to welcome you to our online family and express our heartfelt sympathy for the death of your husband. I'm so sorry for the reasons that brought you here, but please know we are here for you, and glad to know that you found us.

Wishing you peace and healing,

MartyT

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Hi MartyT:

Thank you so much for the kind words. I hope that you also healing. It's is so nice to know that there are other people out there that are going through the same thing as I am. When it first happened I thought I was the only one.

God Bless you.

Jeanne.

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I also want to welcome you Jeanne and I am sorry you have to be here like the rest of us. My husband also woke up one morning and suddenly was dizzy and had chest pains. At one point while I was on the phone with the 911 operator I believe was gone, but I shook him alittle and he came too but died later that afternoon in the hopital after getting up to go into the bathroom. It took them 3 weeks to give me the autopsy results but they say it was a blood clot that went to his heart. This was March 7th of last year, he was 52 and I was 49, we had been together and then married for a total of over 30 years with 2 daughters. We had just put an addition on our house and were really starting to enjoy our home better and then he was gone. He was my special friend, my heart and soul and to this day I am still devastated and lost. Most of his things are still where he left them, but that I have been working on slowly at my own pace. So please know you are not alone and come here anytime you need advice or to just vent, we are such a caring close group.

Love,

Wendy :wub:

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Wendy:

Thank you for sharing your story of the loss of your husband. I could only imagine that you never get over the loss of your spouse. It has only been a little over 3 weeks and of course it is still very devastating to me. I don't have any children but family and friends call and try to be comforting. But, I know that people have their own lives and problems. So I know that the constant calling won't be forever. I am so happy that I can come here and share my loss and try to heal.

It is good that you take it slow and at your own pace. That's what everyone tells me. But I feel so much better when I keep busy. My husband was cremated and yesterday I picked up his ashes. But I have to tell you that a very comforting feeling came over me. You see, when he had his heart attach he spent five months in the hospital and all he wanted was to come home. Also, right after I came home one of the many nurses that took care of him called to see how I was doing. She was my husband's favorite and he was her favorite patient. It was as if my husband put us together as friends.

I want to thank you again for your caring support.

May god bless you.

Love

Jeanne

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Jeane you are so very welcome, and please continue to come here...this is a great place to come to let your feelings out and realize everything you are feeling is normal and we do understand here and care so much. I know that feeling you are talking about all too well when you finally get to pick up their ashes. There is such a sense of relief (here come the tears) that you get when you are finally taking them home where they belong. I was just telling Fred last night that my husband was a homebody like me and I still have his ashes in the bedroom with a electic candle that burns 24-7 and our wedding picture. I want him home where he is safe and protected and someday when I pass my girls can have our ashes put together and bury us, but till then home is where he will stay.

Love,

Wendy :wub:

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