45 Days Since I Lost My Wife

[singledad2]

My perfectly healthy wife died suddenly on March 31st. I went from a very happily married 44 year-old father of 4, to a single parent trying to cope with the ultimate loss and be everything to everyone. My first week was absolutely horrible. I lost it like I've never lost it in my life. I've begun to be able to control things somewhat on the outside, but I still feel so lost and so empty. We did absolutely everything together and we just sent our oldest child off to college last fall. I also have a high school junior, sophomore, and a 4th grader. I feel like a robot now. I'm living to take care of the kids, but inside it feels like I'm simply made of rubber. The days go by so quickly, then I settle into our bed and think of how unfair all of this is to me and the kids. I think about her constantly, and have difficulty concentrating on work. The only relief I have is when I'm so busy that I don't have time to think about anything else. I used to consider myself to be a fairly sharp guy, now my mind is gone! I cry at the drop of a hat, but it passes quickly. Just when I think I have things back under control, out of nowhere, my eyes tear up and I have to excuse myself from meetings or conferences.

I keep asking myself 'why did this happen? She was such a wonderful person.' So many others deserved to be taken for their bad deeds, yet my best friend was stolen barely an hour after I kissed her good morning and headed off to work! It's just not fair! I know the pain will eventually ease, but will my dead spot inside ever awaken again? I just hate this!

Edited May 16, 2008 by singledad2

[DesertBob]

Well it's lame but ... I'm so sorry. I lost my wife similarly a little over 9 months ago, although she was far from perfectly healthy and was suffering a great deal. That was bad enough. I can only imagine how I would feel if she had been fine and died suddenly. I was 50 when she died, and my children are out of the nest ... seems to me that having to raise three minor children (and help them deal with their own grief!) and earn a living while grieving is about the hardest thing a person could have to do.

The "whys" are difficult. I am put in mind of the key line spoken by Clint Eastwood's character in Unforgiven: "'Deserve' ain't got nothin' to do with it." My wife's absence from life -- much less from my life -- is an obscenity. I live with that obscenity every day. If life / the universe / God played fair, the people who die first would be the ones who hate life ... who want to die. There are a lot of those. Our wives loved life and had things to live for.

So there is nothing I can say to set it right, but I'm sure I speak for all of us here when I say that we're here to listen ... to bear witness to your suffering ... and to stand with you in it. Feel free to vent all you want. It is therapeutic.

Let's see -- you're about six weeks into this, and probably only starting to feel the full force of your grief. If I were in your shoes I would make time (and you'll have to MAKE it) to be alone for say half a day a week and do whatever you have to do to process this. Talk to your wife. Bellow at God. Cry. Stare into space. Journal. Whatever seems to be natural. As a working man and a father I can guarantee you're holding in an awful lot and you really need to spew it out on a regular basis. This is what I call "leaning into the grief". I can't tell you exactly how to go about it because it's very individual but you need some kind of break from holding the family together and holding yourself together and have the opportunity to just feel what you feel. It isn't fun but it tends to get you to your eventual healing faster.

Please come back and post often.

Best,

--Bob

[singledad2]

Thanks Bob. Every once in a while I get time to myself and it just comes flooding out. Tonight was a rough one for me. No one in the house and I just let it come out naturally. Unfortunately, my oldest called from college and didn't even recognize my voice. I just told her it was a really bad night for me. I'll be moving her back home for the summer tomorrow. That means all 4 will be here, and I believe that the oldest hasn't really had a chance to grieve with school and all. I just need to make sure that I can get through the summer. It seems like I'm sitting on a virtual powderkeg here. My 17 year-old daughter is in grief counseling after experiencing suicidal thoughts and battling severe depression. This has just flat kicked my family's butt! I'm trying to lean on friends and family, but I feel like I'm just 'winging it' and will screw up and allow things to get even worse. I know my mind isn't very clear, so I can't possibly be making good, rational decisions. Topping this all off are the demands of my job, which have me overseeing operations in several states, and managing over 300 employees. As you can see, this is very, very close to overwhelming right now. I do talk to my wife regularly and try to find strength in those conversations. I ask her for wisdom and the willpower to be able to fight the good fight in all that I do. Some days that really seems to help. Other days, I feel even more lost, knowing how much I miss our chats and occasional banter about politics, people, and life in general. She was so intelligent. When I met her, it was as if God had granted me that one wish that I had been wishing for my entire life. Now, in some cruel twist of fate, that beautiful, vivacious answer to my prayers is gone, and I am feeling an emotional pain that I never thought was possible to feel. I'm reminded of the Garth Brooks song 'the dance' that includes the words 'I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance.' I've lost my dance partner and I just don't know how to get myself back on track.

[dpodesta]

Singledad,

Man, are you singing my song. I lost my wife while on vacation at Disney world, we had just arrived at the hotel from the airport when she had a heart attack as we were getting off of the bus. My son was just 6 years old at the time. I had since enough to stay over night to at least give him a little something before coming back home. You have 4 children compared to my one, but I think it is just as hard no matter how many you have. It took me 4 months before I got my mind together at work. I always came in late and couldn't concentrate, in fact a year later I was finding mistakes I made while I was in that haze. I too used to lose it at the drop of a hat, tears would well up in my eyes and I would have to try and keep my composure. I still do at certain times and it has been a little over 2 years now. I will tell you though it does get better as time goes on. The first year will be the hardest as you go through all of the firsts during that time. Some say the second year is even harder but for me I found it to be easier. That hole I felt left in my heart has gotten smaller, the nights don't seem as lonely. I have gotten to the point where I can now see a future other than just staying alive to raise my son. It took me a little over a year to relearn who I am without someone by my side. I think that is the hardest part of it all. I agree with you that it is unfair that someone as caring and wonderful as our wives were to be taken from this Earth when there are so many others that aren't worth a hill of beans. I don't have an answer to that other than for me I have come to realize that I have experience this in order to help others get through what I have gone through and in that I find peace in knowing that Karen's death was not in vain. I am sad for your loss and wish that it would not have happened, but since it has you have found a wonderful group of people here that will not judge you for what you are feeling. There were nights when all I could do was sit in the chair in front of the computer and post here on this site what I was feeling and someone would usually respond within 15 to 20 minutes and they helped me get through it. You are so new to this right now and i am sure it seems like you are in a dark tunnel with no light at the end. That feeling will ease and it will get better. What helped me in the begining was to just focus on today. Don't try and look into the future right now, it will be to much to bear. I am a little younger than you, I will be 39 this year so when I looked into the future and what it would be like once my son grows up and moves away, it was just unbearable and drove me nuts. Now, I see a a brighter looking future, I have gotten active with my church and with Carson's school when I can and now I see that even when he is gone I will have friends and activites that I will do and enjoy. Just keep taking it one day at a time and don't let the dark vallies get you down. As you go through this you will experience days where things are looking better and then the next thing you know you will go backwards and be thinking what is wrong with me? THat is the normal process of things, what you will find is that each time you step backwards it won't be as far back as the time before. You will also find that the times you step backwards will get further and further apart. Welcome to this site, I wish this site were something different and we met under better circumstances but it is what it is and this site has been a lifesaver.

Love always

Derek

[singledad2]

Bob and Derek,

Thanks so much for your words this evening. I feel a bit of relief knowing that I can share my thoughts without worrying about how others(who seem to have the best of intentions, but have no idea what I'm going through)will think. I'll try to use this forum therapeutically as one tool to help me regain my center in life. For what it's worth, I too wish that none of us had ever had to look for or visit this type of site. I am however, glad I found it today.

[dpodesta]

Singledad,

Looking back I think that it was around the 45 day mark when I found this site as well. I read your second post after I responded to your first. I found a place here in Texas called the WARM Place. It was a place that others like us met. The adults met in one room the 5 to 8 year olds in another, Pre-teens in one and the teenagers in yet another. They had adult facilitors that worked with each group. They are only in Texas, but I am sure there has to be others like it around the US. You might try contacting the WARM Place and they might be able to get you going in the right direction in finding such a group in your area. It helped me and my son a bunch. My son started having problems outside the scope of what they do and we have been seeing a psycologist for 9 months now. That has helped a bunch. I know what you are thinking when it comes to making descisions regarding your family. We are so used to having our wife there to discuss things with and find the best thing to do. Now it is all up to us and we wonder are we doing the right thing. Just remember you are doing the best you can right now with what you have in front of you and that is all anyone can ask of you. As time goes on, nad when you have things come up you are unsure about come here and there will always be someone here that will have good advise who understands exactally where you are coiming from

Love always

Derek

[DesertBob]

I've lost my dance partner and I just don't know how to get myself back on track.

You won't, but you will get on a different track, eventually. In truth you're already on a different track but it feels so strange and it will take some time for it to become what we call "the new normal".

Take it one minute at a time ... later you will manage an hour at a time, then a day, then a week. Your brain will eventually return. Sometime later, motivation kicks in, although it is still erratic for me.

My wife was also very smart, upper genius level smart, and I also miss the banter and discussion. I miss her creativity too. Sometimes I would be banging my head against some brick wall, and she would come up with some provocative idea that just blew the barn doors off the problem. She was all about possibilities. The funny thing is, I've been astounded how much of that remains with me. She really did change me forever. I think differently / more clearly than I used to, and I'm more authentic, too.

*snif* *honk* well at any rate what I am saying is after you get used to the bazooka hole through your heart, you will find that your wife left you with more gifts than you probably realized.

Hang in there,

--Bob

[lyn]

Singledad,

I am very sorry for your loss. I still cannot fathom why an almost perfect life can suddenly be altered by death, why a sincere love cannot last forever. As they say the only thing that is constant is change, but my loss left me completely devastated and hurting. Like you, I have asked the same questions..Why him, when there are so many people who hated life..why him who

has so much love to give to the world. I lost my love almost a year ago, and it hurt very deeply. I live and go through each day not knowing why I am still living, but I know I just have to, I keep the faith that somehow, someday..things will get better, that somehow, one day I will heal too. This site has been very helpful to me, this has been my sanctuary, for the people here understand the pain of losing someone. Sometimes, I look back how far I have come, and realized that maybe I have made some progress. Yes those steps are very hard to take..most of the time it is like one step forward and two steps backward, but just keep on going..take a rest, a deep breath and allow yourself to feel all those emotions when it's really getting hard. I realized that the things that helped me in dealing with my grief are:

> setting some time each day to feel the emotions. I allow myself to cry and feel the pain, to get angry with God, to question everything.

> listening and reaching out to others

> not thinking about the future itself. I tried to focus on the present moment..taking it one day, one hour, even one minute at a time.

> I also find that music has its own way of healing. For a while I could not even listen to any music, but it gets better as months pass by, and it has helped me a lot in dealing with my grief.

> reading inspirational books.

> posting on this site. Almost all my friends are excited to start a life with their love ones, planning their wedding and all. I try not to depend on them to make me feel better, I try not to have any expectations for they could not possibly understand the pain I am going through. The people who can truly understand us are the ones who have gone through loss themselves. I am always thankful that I found this site.

Peace and healing are very elusive when you are hurting. I am sending you and your family my prayers for strength to go through each day. We are here for you.

Have hope that one day that void you feel in your heart will be filled again with peace and joy. Joy in knowing that you have experienced true love, that you have shared many years together with your wife, that you have found your soulmate and bestfriend..Many are not fortunate to experience real love. Our pain is a reminder that we have loved deeply, that we are loved deeply by our loved ones.

[kayc]

Singledad2,

My first thought when I saw there was someone new to this site was, "Oh no, not another one" (for I wouldn't wish it on anyone)...I am truly sorry that you have to be going through this, it is a club none of us ever wanted to join. However, it has been a lifesaver to me personally, for this is the one real place, the one safe place, where I know I can come to and there are others who understand and can relate, others that can offer advice, others that inspire me, others who have been through it.

You cry out in anguish that it is not fair! No, it's not fair, fair has nothing to do with it. Some seem to think it strikes us randomly like an out of control tornado, others think it's like some kind of preplanned fate, I don't try to decide what it is, only that it is, and it's my life now, and whatever I think about it doesn't change anything.

You are about to meet some of the most special people in the world. You have already met some of them. Please come back to this site as often as you wish, you are welcome here and there is always someone listening, caring.

This is one of the roughest things you will ever be called upon to weather, and yet I can honestly tell you it won't stay with this level of intensity forever, and you will make it through this.

Is there any way you can step down in your company to take a less demanding job for a while? Is there anyone they could enlist to help you out while you are going through this stage of grieving? It is very hard to focus at first, work seems so trivial compared to the loss we feel, it is hard to get through our jobs, through the day, much less keep the family together and meet the kids' needs. Is there a family member that can help with the kids, even just to take them out once in a while or be there for them? Anyone doing anything is a lesser load for you to carry and helps you feel like you're not so alone in doing it. I am so very, very sorry, you will always miss your wife, but you will learn to cope, with time.

We're here for you,

KayC

Edited May 16, 2008 by kayc

[LarrysGirl]

Hello and welcome, I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife. I'm glad you found this site. I noticed a couple of our "men" responded to you and I wanted to say we have such great caring people here and the guys that have responded are help to all of us. I was hoping the men could give you their point of view, I hoped it helped you. There is alot for your to manage now and please pace yourself when you can. Physically grief takes its toll and the slower your take this the better. Its like juggling alot of balls in the air all at the same time. Sometimes you can't. I wish you some peace and comfort and please come here again and share your feelings. This will help you heal. Deborah

[Art]

I am truly sorry for the terrible loss that brings you here for I know the pain also. My wife died in an auto accident almost fifteen months ago. It was as if my world came crashing in on me. I still can't make it right with myself. I punish my self every day trying to figure why this had to happen. I cry on a daily basis and my work has deteriorated to the point that I am going to have to take early retirement if I can't get a better grasp. I will be seeing a professional counsellor next week. I have refused to do so up to now because I thought I could handle it by myself. I have now come to the realization that I cannot do it without some serious, one on one help. And my boss is also insisting on it if I wish to continue to work and he is right.

I sometimes feel that I am making progress, only to be slammed with reality a few days later. I have nights when I can't sleep and I sit here reading the posts. I urge you to stay with us here as I have found this forum to be the most helpful thing for me. We all share the same grief and pain and to me there is comfort in knowing I can talk to people who honestly know how I feel.

I have not yet started the counselling so I can't tell you it will or will not help, but I will say that one should not hesitate as I did. Just admitting to myself that I needed to do it actually seems to have given me a bit of relief.

Art

[DesertBob]

A couple of thoughts, Art. Probably worth no more than $0.02 plus inflation.

Finding a therapist is a little like dating (if you can still remember that; I can, just barely). You have to spend a lot time with various people until you find one that will transform things. Don't be discouraged if (after a fair trial) the first therapist is a bust. They are all different. You are hiring a professional friend, basically. So if you don't feel that trust and comfort level, or a sufficient level of commitment from the therapist, excuse yourself and try another. It's a pain in the touche, to be sure, but you do need help and it will be worth it in the end.

And remember, some therapists are as clueless about grief and loss as the general population. Not everyone's training (or disposition or experience) equip them to give good support in this area. Make sure they at least claim experience with grief and loss counseling.

Second thought: don't try to "figure out why this had to happen". That way lies madness. Some things don't have a reason, or at least not a reason we're capable of taking in. You can try to figure out how to find acceptance or some level of peace, how to integrate what has happened ... but you'll never entirely explain it. You may never explain it at all. The most anyone does in my view is find rationalizations that they can live with. Because some things are just not totally comprehensible, and can't be made to be. After all, generations of people smarter than you or me have made livings as philosophers and sages and they can't agree on how to best understand bereavement and other aspects of the human condition.

"Accepting the unacceptable" is not mutually exclusive with having positive things in your future, or getting your motivation and equilibrium back, by the way. If anything, it's a prerequisite. You will be surprised what you can do without and still find reasons to smile. Just don't torture yourself with the questions that don't have answers. If they have answers at all, they will sneak up on you when you're not trying so hard. Either way, agonizing doesn't help and almost always hurts.

And by the way, her death wasn't your fault. Just in case you were consciously or otherwise thinking it was. You look in vain for a throat to choke. Don't settle on your own throat just because no other one is available.

Hang in there guy,

--Bob

[Lin_in_Cave Creek]

Hello Singledad, I am so sorry to have met you, but truly understand your pain. I, too, lost my soulmate of 23 years to cancer just 9 months ago, and my children (16 and 10) lost a super dad. I was somewhat slower than others and thought I had it together, but the truth is that I had been walking around in a fog for 8 months before the fog began to lift and I began to realize that he was really gone, and I was alone and left to manage everything and raise our children. It was at about the 8 month anniversary that I fell apart, so I started group therapy, which I really enjoy and have finally met some very nice people who truly understand what grieving a spouse is all about, and found this site. When they say "how are you?" they really want to know. Posting is great and will help get you through those tough times, especially in the middle of the night when you awake, realize she's not next to you, and everyone you know is comfortably sleeping, and you can't go back to sleep.

Please remember, your children need and love you, and are concerned about you. Do whatever you need to do that will help you get through this, and you WILL get through this, as we all are getting through this. I don't want to repeat what many others have already said, but I do want you to know that we totally understand and are here for you...Lin

[MartyT]

Lin, dear ~ I can't think of a better way to describe what is so helpful about a grief support group than your statement, "When they say, 'How are you?' they really want to know." I just wanted to thank you for that.

I also want to reinforce your suggestion to Singledad to "do whatever you need to do to get through this." The most important thing we parents can do with our children's grief is to take care of our own grief first. Think about the advice we're always given by airline attendants when they review with us what to do in case of an emergency: "Put your own oxygen mask on first ~ then assist your children with theirs."

[KathyG]

Singledad,

Like most of us travelers on this road called loss (especially if our spouse left us suddenly with no warning), you're starting with the question, "Why did this happen?" Good question, but as Bob said, you can go crazy trying to figure out the answer. After the shock begins to subside, in a while you'll find yourself asking not "Why?" but "How?" as in:

- How can I now get through this and go on with my life?

- How can I learn through this experience and grow stronger?

- How do I find out who I am now, or who I want to become?

- How do I figure out what I need to leave behind, what from my old life I can take with me as I go forward, and how to distinguish between the two?

I wish I could provide the answers for you, but the answers are different for everyone. While others here have shared with you some of their experience with loss, I hope you'll let me offer some things I've learned.

- Sadness is the heart's way of honoring a lost loved one. You honor your spouse's soul by fully feeling your grief.

- In grief, we can shift from feeling hopeful to abject depression, back and forth, for months. But each time this happens, we release some of the sadness and become a little stronger. The process is slow, but it works.

- It helps to remind yourself that when you cry, and when you can't think clearly or concentrate on your job, you don't need to be fixed, because this is normal and nothing is wrong with you.

- Don't let anyone set limits on when, how, or for how long you should grieve. It's your business and no one else's; take all the time you need.

- You can never be the same person you were before losing your spouse. Change in you happens automatically. It takes time, though, to find your new self - and what you shared with your spouse will survive within that new self.

- Even though death ended your spouse's life, it can't end your love.

- It's important to realize all the secondary losses that happen because your spouse is gone, and to grieve for those losses and say goodbye to everything you lost.

- Though we can't go back and prevent what happened, we can determine what to do with the rest of our lives.

- When your spouse was alive, he or she made you as happy as you made him or her. If your spouse had a wonderful relationship with you, you also gave him or her the gift of experiencing a wonderful relationship. Your spouse helped you to know that you're capable of giving and receiving great love.

- Remember that part of your lost spouse not only remains within you, but also had a large or small effect on the lives of others with whom she or he interacted.