Hit A Wall Again!

[LarrysGirl]

This post won't be for the faint of heart, so I'm apologizing ahead of time. The struggle to live without Larry is exhausting me and today I've hit a wall. My body is screaming enough already! My mind has become so confused and the emotions run rampant day and night. On the sixteenth of May it was 2 years and 6 months. Since his death I've counted month by month, now years and months, feeling like its my way of showing him I've not forgotten how much time has passed. But this month, I missed it. I rarely turn a calender, it means nothing to me anymore. Who cares when the next holiday is, there is nothing to celebrate for me. I feel guilty that the day passed as if he was never here and I've forgotten. We fought the battle together, we were a team. He waited years for a transplant and was holding on for us. The fact that he died and I continue to live is something I've had a hard time with since day one. God, the Universe, whoever, has a plan for our lives? And the plan was to let him suffer and believe he would get a transplant and have the life he dreamed of, but die instead???? So now I'm supposed to believe there is a plan for me also, damm can't wait to see what that is! Two and a half years and I've no clue what to do next. I'm not the person who was here before Larry died. I'm an empty shell of a body, existing for what I don't know. I intended to have his case investigated, I researched and talked with Doctors and others from the transplant team. There was evidence of some problems but the grieving took me down and I've never been able to follow thru. The guilt that I've not done nothing about this eats me alive. Would he want me to be so hard on myself, probably not, but he died and I feel a sense of responsibility to tell the world this should NOT have happened. Will I ever feel the strength to form some sort of a life for myself? Not now, it takes everything to keep going but its not worth it. My heart is not in this "living" business anymore. Thank goodness I can vent here and I thank you all for just listening. Deborah

[Lily]

Dear Deborah, you don't ever have to apologize - this absolute sorrow and

sadness that we have screams for help and it seems as though there's no

real helping to soften the pain it brings - Rich died 6 months ago and time

isn't helping me - it seems to be worsening because now this is life - if you

can call it that - without him. Rich and I fought his cancer for three years and never gave up hope - then when the "gold standard" meds didn't

seem to be working, we traveled 2500 mi to California for a clinical trial

which I persued because the meds had been approved in the phillipines and

seemed to be working - I never gave up and Rich didn't either - but while

in Cal., the meds or something just didn't seem to be helping and he, after

suffering many indiginities, said he wanted to die. I lost my belief in

god then - how could he make his child suffer - I wouldn't - how could God...

but now I'm desperate for a god because that was my only hope and now I have

nowhere to go - nothing here on earth is helping - but so far nothing is...

I feel like you - just an empty shell, my home is just a house, when I shop

for basics I just see families getting ready for summer, or just walking and

talking about something or nothing and I'm jealous; I'm just not "normal"

me anymore; I cry a lot; I still can't believe Rich is not going to be

coming around the corner or up the stairs or call out to me...if someone

told me I was going to die tonight, I would feel relieved, an easing off

of the hurt that won't go away. So please don't apologize - don't put

the burden on yourself that you're somehow hurting others because of how

you feel - you have enough hurt to deal with - somehow I think we'll go

on but for right now I just can't see how...this place with all the kind

friends is a lifesaver for me, I can't talk about how I feel with anyone

else without making them uncomfortable and I think sometimes (most times)

that's what we need and that's why we come back here - it helps at least

for a little while - I know I keep waiting for a miracle and I know I'm

not going to get it - they say god has his reasons - but right now I can't

see them or everything happens for a purpose - I can't see that either right

now - Deborah, believe me when I say that I feel your pain...Lily

[MartyT]

Deborah, dear ~

You said, "Since his death I've counted month by month, now years and months, feeling like its my way of showing him I've not forgotten how much time has passed. But this month, I missed it."

So often in grief we confuse the depth of our love with the strength of our pain. In other words, in my grief for the one who died, if I permit myself to stop hurting, even for a moment or an hour or a day ~ or if I let an anniversary date slip by without remembering my special person ~ it means somehow that I am forgetting the one I love. We confuse letting go of our pain with letting go of our beloved. I cannot tell you how to let go of the pain of losing Larry, any more than I can tell someone how to let go of the pain of losing a limb ~ but I do know that over time the pain of such a loss begins to lessen a bit. You'll never stop missing Larry, any more than an amputee would stop missing an absent arm or leg. You simply learn to live with what is left. That is what we're all doing, here, isn't it? Learning to live with what is left? And this learning is a process that takes time ~ perhaps a lifetime ~ to figure out.

You say the struggle to live without Larry is exhausting you, and at the same time you feel guilty for not having the energy to begin investigating his death. I get this image of you torn between two very large objectives, unable to devote all of you to both of them, and therefore unable to devote any part of you to either. I wonder what would happen if you deliberately and intentionally set aside the latter for the time being (along with all the guilt you're feeling about not doing it), and decide to focus your full and undivided attention on your grief?

[LarrysGirl]

Thanks for responding Marty, I respect your guidance. I did set aside the investigation back in Nov. 2007 around the 2nd anniversary of his death. I completely gave out. Yet I don't want him to have died in vain. I fear if I keep it to the side I'll never accomplish anything. I do feel pulled apart with the grief and how to go on living. I'm an artist and I have to earn some sort of a living and once again the dilema of trying to be creative and paint while feeling run down, tired and no brain. How do I do this, push thru like I have been, give it up entirely, this is where I get confused. The grief has depleted me so badly. I don't see how I can sit and watch the grass grow just because I'm worn out. I feel like shutting down but don't think I have that option. Someone has to take care of the dogs, the yard, the home, the bills, etc. If I don't, no one will. Sorry to go on and on but I would love to hear any more advice on how to cope. Deborah

[ustwo]

Dearest Deborah, I haven't found answers for the whys, hows, anything much. I actually have quit looking and asking. It will soon be 3 years that my world blew apart, that the "me" died along with Gene. It took nearly 2 years for the final little cell in my body that was hanging on to finally accepted that this was real. I had to accept it. I still walk around in this world lost but I've also accepted that this is my life. The nights used to be the worse but now it's the mornings. Getting up and facing another day with no constructive way to approach it without Gene. I keep taking each day one step at a time. Gene loved me, all he ever wanted was for me to be happy, and with all his love he did each and every moment we had together. A month before he passed he looked at me and said "you have to accept reality". He could not spare me this pain so I honor Gene every morning accepting this reality. I don't like it but perhaps he's smiling as I manage to muddle through each day.

Somewhere along this journey I left the guilt behind me. I had to for my sanity. Yes, I also sometimes feel like I'm betraying our love if I'm not in pain........there will always be those moments. Our anniversay was May6....I was so involved that day (a rare event) that I didn't realize the date until that afternoon. The explosion of quilt and tears took over for a while but later I remembered what Gene would have wanted. I need to cherish the memories. I dried up my tears and took a mental walk down memory lane for the remainder of that day......a celebration of our love.

This journey of grief is exhausting. I haven't made a choice to live....I made the choice to accept what is left, as it is moment to moment, and for what it's worth. I do this to honor Gene and our love. I do not betray our love if I go through just one day without tears. And I talk about Gene to anyone who will listen even those who never knew him.

I decided not to persue the medical mistake made while Gene was being taken care of. I do believe it robbed us of precious days, perhaps weeks, but in my heart the outcome was God's choice. For me I did not and still would not have the energy. I wish you strength as you approach this. It may well bring you some sort of peace. I am just beginning to learn how to focus on any one thing.

I wish you peace Deborah.

One step at a time but not without friends.

Always Gene!

Always!

[dpodesta]

Deborah,

I believe that in letting the day go by without remembereing that it was the day is a sign of healing. You are not forgetting him, he still remains around you, but you are healing. My wife Karen died on the 6th of April in 2006, and it wasn't until alost the 2 year mark that the 6th just no longer carried any weight. It didn't mean that I loved her any less because I don't think of the 6th anymore, because there are a lot of times I do think about her. It just means that I am healing and becoming more accepting of my circumstances.

Love always

Derek

[SusanK]

Deborah, Please don't apologize for posting. You are feeling the raw emotions that we all know too well. Investigating his death? Hmmmm . . maybe you psyche is protecting you from that.

The medical establishment is first and foremost a business. They close ranks and manufacture a reason/excuse for any bad outcome. It should NOT be this way, but it is what it is.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

s.

[DoubleJo]

Deborah:

Please don't eat yourself up.

My Curt was on the Mayo Clinic transplant list. Getting a new organ is next to impossible for many reasons, three are that they take the neediest person first and this rotates through each state, region and hospital. This means you are so close to death you have little hope of surviving the transplant. Other organs and vascular systems do double duty while waiting and this puts a big strain on them. It is so hard to be fair with the limited number of available organs that this method was devised.

Secondly, once you get the transplant, you practically live in the hospital. The amount of drugs and tests constantly done on you takes away most of your life. I know we would accept that gladly, but so often this is for nothing because the patient is already so debililated by then it winds up for nothing. Look at it this way, if you possibly can: Perhaps, just perhaps, you were spared the tribulations of the transplant and with it the possiblity it wouldn't work or last very long. Just perhaps this spared you a worse grief. I realize this is a very hard way to look at this, but how much harder than you are already suffering with?

In our times of great troubles we sometimes miss the small graces that come our way. My very best to you- DoubleJo

[MartyT]

Deborah, dear ~

In the course of doing some other work online, I came across an excellent article that made me think of you immediately. The author is a bereaved mother (and PhD psychologist who also works with the bereaved). She is writing about her own grief process following the death of her child, but I think her words will ring true to all of us, and most especially (I hope) to you.

To read the article, you can download the attached PDF file, or you can find it on the Grief Notes page of the author's Web site, Gili's Place. Once there, under Grief Notes, click on the article entitled On Choice and Grief.

ChoosingToLiveAgain.pdf