I Dont Know How To Deal With This

[cheryl lee]

My husband just died on july 16 after a short bout with liver cancer. he was diagnosed at the end of may so we had no time to really get used to what was happening,I am not one to use a computer, he was the wiz, but I feel so alone and I know I cant do this by myself,Ive been reading different things on this site and I think maybe it can help,plus it made me figure out how to use this, he would be proud of me for that.but I am crying so I cant see the keyboard hardly,I dont know what else to add, its just good...no not really I was going to say others know what I feel, but thats life,like I said I dont really know how to do this so its kind of an experiment,thanks for listening,cheryl lee

[dpodesta]

Cheryl,

While none of us have wished the circumstances to happen that caused us to find this site, you are correct in saying that it is good that others have felt this way. It is because we have felt or are feeling this way that we are able to help each other get through all of this with any kind of sanity. Keep coming here, you are doing fine with your posts.

Love always

Derek

[LarrysGirl]

Cheryl Lee, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. Most of us didn't have a clue, like you, how to deal with this kind of loss. If you helps you feel any better, I'm almost at three yrs. and still finding my way. This wonderful site has saved me many times over since I lost Larry. He also died of liver cancer. Just share your feelings, take it slow and take care of yourself. You will find wonderful support and understanding here. Deborah

[WaltC]

(((Cheryl Lee))) - Welcome to this site! I am so sorry that you have a reason to be here BUT you have found a safe haven. This site has helped many of us survive the unthinkable loss we have experienced.

My dear wife, for over 40 years, died in Palliative Care from Liver cancer. She was diagnosed in early January 2005 and died 99 days later in April. Before that she had survived over 20 years with MS which had totally disabled her physically, but NOT mentally.

I am sure that your husband is watching over your shoulder and is proud of your new found abilities. Keep coming here Cheryl - you will find comfort and understanding. I know that I did!

[MikeC]

Cheryl,

I am sorry you have been forced onto this lonely road. I lost my wife to cancer this summer, too. One of the very few good things that has happened to me since her death was finding this forum. It is an amazing source of help, hope, and comfort. Unlike the community where I live, everybody in this community understands the pain and emptiness I am feeling. You have found a good place - welcome.

Mike

[mlg]

Cheryl,

I too am glad you found this site and more importantly that you had the courage to learn to use the computer. It shows that you are putting one foot in front of the other and that's all any of us can do. There will be times that you take one step forward and three back but they equal out. I won't say after 7 1/2 months that I am better but not a lot worse for wear. Yesterday was probably the worst day I've had but I woke up this morning so that was a good thing. One of the doctors I work for said that I was entitled because I had been so brave, but he only sees me at work. Like most people those around you at times will think you are doing well, they don't know you are a wreck when you are home alone.

Keep coming back here because you will find we are a "family" and some are very eloquent writers.

By the way the (((((((((((()))))))))))) are hugs coming your way.

Mary Linda

My Tom also died of liver cancer that came from the pancreas.

Edited August 29, 2008 by mlg

[Guest moparlicious]

Cheryl Lee,

Welcome to this site. I am so so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. My beloved Dan died at the age of 41, of esophogus cancer and it spread to his bile duct, liver and eventually his brain. He died 08/20/07. There is no right or wrong way of your postings or how we write or grieve. We are not here to hold judgement on anyone or anything, we are just here for you, whatever it may be today. I know your husband has a huge smile on his face for your accomplishments, I am proud of you. Keep posting and coming back, for we all do care and love you. I am truly grateful for this site and without it I don't think I would have any meaning in life, except our children, that is alot to live for let me tell you, but the pain and heartache we endure is not wished upon anyone. I hold you near and dear in my thought and prayers. Love, Kim

[JeanneC]

Hi Cheryl

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. This site is wonderful and it has helped me through some rough times. There are a lot of us that have just lost their spouses, so we know what you are going through. There are also a lot that have lost their spouses some time ago and still are feeling the pain. It really never goes away, it just get easier. I just hope. I have also just lost my husband, 2 months ago. Believe me I am not a wiz with the computer and nobody here will ever judge anybody about that. Just write what you are feeling and there is always someone that will help you through it.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[teny]

Im so sory for your loss and realy understand .I lost my husband the same way he was diagnosed Oct 9 and died NOV 2.Iknow the feeling I know the pain I know the shock.Liver cancer.He did know what was happening so I did not even say good by trying to be with him and give him silent love.It is the hardest loss in our lifes.You can find a lot of care and support here.TENY

[kayc]

Cheryl,

Losing my George was the hardest thing I'd ever been handed to deal with, and was totally unprepared for. The fact that I am still here over three years later I credit largely to this site, for I never could have foreseen that as possible.

You are doing just fine with your computer skills...I still don't know how to do everything that everyone else does on forums, but I get by, that's the main thing.

It has been very helpful to see that there are others going through the same thing that understand and to learn how they cope or just know I am not alone.

Good luck to you in the upcoming days...

Love,

KayC

[cheryl lee]

Thanks to all who replied,it does help to know their are others out there,I am going to have a hard time this weekend, some friends of ours are comming to visit me for the first time since he died,and we always did things together,they were the first friends we made when we moved to wisconsin,I look forward to seeing them, but I know its going to hurt real bad. Also my nephew is comming home from boot camp,and he just found out, as we all agreed not to tell him while he was in training,since he would have to repeat the entire thing.So I feel like I'm going to go through it all over again, I feel like I will have a serious crash after labor day,I wish there was a magic pill that would just make it go away,or better still, bring him back nice and healthy.I realize I am lucky that he did'nt have to suffer unbearably,that was his biggest fear,not for himself, but for me having to watch, I supose I should take some comfort from that,I try to but it don't always work.anyway,thanks again for listening,Cheryl lee

[Lily]

Cheryl Lee, you must be hurting so much now that words can't describe the

pain. My husband had pancreatic cancer and died in my arms and I wanted

to die with him. I came home though and like you, sat at the computer

and cried and cried while pleading for help...when I had no where else to go and no one who really listened or could hear the heartbreak - I came here

and felt the words of comfort. I hope it will be the same for you. Lily

[KathyG]

Cheryl,

I'm so sorry about your loss and the pain it's causing you. Don't worry about your computer skills, though - you're doing fine, and no one here expects anyone else to be a computer whiz. The important thing is, you found this place and here you can feel supported and safe.

I know you feel overwhelmed now, and you say you wonder how you can go forward. Believe it or not, you will; the key to survival is to deal with things one at a time, one hour at a time, or one day at a time, whatever you feel most comfortable handling.

My husband died of a heart attack last November. These past nine months have been the roughest of my life, but I've found so much comfort here. One of the best things about this site is that you can come here any time of the day or night, whenever you feel worst or most in need of someone to share your feelings with. You'll need that kind of support more on some days than others in the weeks and months ahead. Good luck and God bless you.

Kathy

[kayc]

Cheryl,

Thinking of you and hoping you were able to enjoy your friends and are doing okay with your nephew. I know it's hard, it'll get better, I promise.

[cheryl lee]

kayc, I enjoyed seeing my friends and my nephew, I did ok until they left, then I had a major burnout, today has not been so hot either, I am pretty much back to work,hoping that will help, at least i won't cry there.I do have one question for anyone, I finally bought thank you cards to send, but I am having a hard time making myself go back and read the cards so I can reply, is this normal? I don't want people to think I don't appreciate what they did, but in some strange way I feel like if I reply that means its really real,I know I read the cards, but it was such a blur,any advice on this is good, because I am crying just thinking about it,I justcan't let go,

[JoeA]

I do have one question for anyone, I finally bought thank you cards to send, but I am having a hard time making myself go back and read the cards so I can reply, is this normal? I don't want people to think I don't appreciate what they did, but in some strange way I feel like if I reply that means its really real,I know I read the cards, but it was such a blur,any advice on this is good, because I am crying just thinking about it,I justcan't let go,

Cheryl -

I never could get that done. I finally gave up on thank-you's to all the card- and flower-senders, and just wrote a few to people who were very supportive during those first awful weeks. I didn't even get those thank-you's out for a couple months. People will understand. And if they don't, well that's not your problem. You need support right now, not more grief!

Peace to you,

- Joe

[mlg]

Cheryl

I don't know what the custom is there, but no one hear expects a thank you note for sending a card. We actually made a spread sheet for each person "involved". Like people who sent things because it was there dad went on their respective lists along with the address and what they sent. I also had one and then there were those who did something more or less because of the entire family including his 11 brothers and sisters. Since the girls and I wanted to write our own special notes to those people on our lists we took those. The rest we made address labels for on the computer (maybe someone could help you with that) and that way it saved some of our arthritic hands. Then his sisters made up a general saying but you could insert something else if you felt it needed to still be more personal. We had an assembly line where one would put the return address label, one would do the address label, one would write the note and one would seal, one would stamp it. This does not just have to be family it can be friends. So maybe you could spend an afternoon with friends and get a lot of them done. Just remember to cross them off because we did find duplicates.

Most people will understand if it takes a while, but then you have some hateful people too. But you know what? They probably have no idea what you are going through and if they don't care about you any more than that, then who cares about them. I know that sounds snotty but sometimes you just have to prioritize things and those people go to the bottom of my list.

Keep getting things off your chest by coming here.

[shhh65]

Cheryl Lee,

If it hadn't been for my family, I would never have been able to get thru sending out those thank you cards. My daughter and son were my strength in getting them written. My husband, Harry died unexpectedly in our back yard by himself on December 22nd, 2007 so I had Christmas cards mixed in with sympathy cards. It was overwhelming. But as so many others have stated we keep putting one foot in front of the other. It is my feeling that most people understand if their thank you card is not too personal. At least I haven't judged any thank you card I have ever received. I am just so sorry that the person who sent it had to write it in the first place. Whatever you do will be the right thing for you. Try not to worry about what anyone will think. I'm so sorry you have to be on this site but welcome. There is wonderful support here.

Sherry

[dpodesta]

Karen's sister helped me with mine, if it hadn't been for her I wouldn't have gotten them done as I am a terrible procastenator.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

I did thank you notes for those who contributed flowers or to his memorial or sent money, but I didn't send thank yous for cards. The church secretary made me a list of the donations and that's what I went off of. I looked at the cards as they came but didn't absorb much at that point...a couple of years later I went back and re-read them and was surprised by some of them, I hadn't even remembered them sending them! I remember spending a lot of time on the phone talking with people, for me it seemed therapeutic.