Grief Is My Reality

[teny]

Hellow my friends .This time of the year all bad memories are coming stronger in my mind.I feel so down facing the 2 years anniversary.Grief is with me in every step of my life.Like a shadow folowing me when I open the door and no one there to say hellow my love how was your day?When I go to work and he is not around to share everydays problems when Im tired and need his arms around me .Going to bed alone geting up in the morning without a kiss and his loving words < good morning my love you are the reason and meaning of my life>.Grief is here when I look at my grand children and he is not here to watchc them grow.Grief is with me when I listen music whenI look at the stars when I look at the moon when Im with friends that were his friends when I meet couples holding hands when weekends are here when holidays are coming .I could go on and on ...Grief is my reality Will I ever go back to life?Thank you my friends for beeing here I would like to be able to talk to you to meet you.I would like to be able to share my feelings in Greek Im always afraid tha I can not make you understand how deep is my pain.Your far away friend TENY

[WendyJ]

Teny,

I can feel your pain more than you realize and I am sorry for how strong it is. I wish we lived closer my friend as you are such a wonderful person and I wish I could be there for you in person but please know that I am here for you whenever you need me, but always remember so is Yianny. Just talk to him, he can hear you as he watches over you every day and wishes that you could be happy once again. I never used to talk to Steve as it just made me cry too much, but now I can...yes still teary eyed but I know he is happy for me now as I am moving on and finding some very special people in my life. Please know that we all love you here very much and we are always with you and here for you when you need us....we are your far away family.

Love You,

Wendy

[mlg]

Teny

If you rally feel you can express yourself better in Greek there is a website that you can write what you want to say in Greek and have it translated into English. I know it would take a little more time to do this because then you would have to write the English here. It is http://babelfish.yahoo.com/translate_txt

I feel you get your point across just fine though. Grief has no language boundaries.

[LarrysGirl]

Hello Teny, I hope you can feel from us on this site that you are thought of with love and support. I think of you and care about you as a close friend, though we live far apart, you are in our hearts. Today marks 2 years and 11 months, fast approaching next month my three yr. anniversary of my life forever changed. Grief is with me everyday and night and except for a few trips to the store and walking our dogs, there is little changed since his death. My heart is broken and the toll it has taken on my body is so hard to take. I'm trying, like you, to survive and wish for both of us some peace very very soon. Deborah

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

As I was doing some other work earlier this week, I came across these passages that made me think of you. I offer them to you now, as gentle food for thought:

What does “letting go” mean? This phrase is often misunderstood. Does it mean forgetting, letting go of our memories? Not at all. Does it mean letting go of a relationship with our deceased loved ones? No! Our relationship is changed, not ended. “Letting go” refers to the time in our healing journey when we are ready to gently open our tightly closed fists. In doing so we let go of our pain. We do not need it anymore.

Take both hands and close your fists tightly. Hold them closed as tightly as you can and then open them as wide as you can. Can you feel the difference as you open and let go? Can you feel the release?

We gradually realize that we neither need nor want what we have been holding on to – guilt, depression, sadness, anger, fear, powerlessness – whatever pain we have used as a connection to our loved one or as a way of protecting ourselves from further hurt. We might even make the decision that we will never, ever love someone again, so that when someone gets close to us, we do something to push them away. However, one day we may come to realize that we do not want or need this particular connection or protection. We have our memories and our bond with our loved one. In fact, to hold on to it fiercely would only ruin our lives. Our holding on would make us bitter, not better. This realization that we can, need to, want to, must let go of our pain is like watching the sun rise or set. It is a slow, gentle, almost imperceptible process that happens day after day, just as we will continue to release our pain again and again . . .

Those who have died need to be set free, to be released. Otherwise we make a “bond-age” out of what was the bond of the relationship both for them and for us. We have bonded to the ones we love; we must avoid turning it into bondage.

We are referring here to two words: “bond” and “bondage.” A “bond” is defined in Webster’s dictionary by a long list of words, including “anything that binds, unites, links, holds things together, connects.” So we become bonded or united with our children, parents, friends, and siblings. A relationship begins at birth, and grows in our family of origin, and unites us for a lifetime. Bonding is like an invisible umbilical cord that attaches us to people, places, and things. So, what happens when someone we love dies? Or something we value is ripped out of our grasp – such as our health, our trust, our hopes, or our dreams?

The bond does not immediately disappear even though the imaginary umbilical cord is cut. It is like an amputee who still feels a phantom limb. The bond persists.

A bond becomes “bond-age” when it prevents us from moving on in life. Webster’s defines “bondage” as “serfdom or slavery; subjection to some force, compulsion, or influence.”

If a bond prevents us from moving on, then we are in bondage and we need to liberate ourselves. Otherwise, we are shackled to the past. It is as though we are walking backwards through life, unable to see or experience what lies ahead.

It can be a delicate and difficult operation to sever the bond, to cut the cord so that we can turn around and face life and reality once again. But remember, although we let go of the deceased and the past, we do not let go of our memories. They remain ours to enjoy forever. We let go only of the pain and any feelings we may have of guilt, or shame, or powerlessness, or fear. We let go of bitterness and resentment and rage, and in doing so we allow our dead, our past, to fly free.

This is a turning point because now we are ready to confront the question, “What do I want for me in my life now?” This may be particularly difficult for those of us who are accustomed to automatically taking our loved one’s needs into account when making decisions. Now we may have only ourselves to consider, and that can be difficult.

[source: Grief’s Courageous Journey: A Workbook, by Sandi Caplan and Gordon Lang, New Harbinger Publications, Inc., Oakland CA, 1995, pp. 90-91 and p. 95.]

[Rosemary T]

Hello Teny!

I just want you to know that your words are very powerful. They expressed EXACTLY how I feel each and every day. A person does not have to write using perfect grammar or spelling. In fact some of the most eloquant pieces of writing have left me feeling nothing more than admiration for their skill.

When words come from the heart (as yours so obviously do) and they reflect a person's inner-most feelings, they are more meaningful than anything written by someone who really does not know or understand what the reader has gone through.

Since each person's experience is different, most of us relate best to those whose feelings are most like ours! You have written something that touched me deeply. I thank you!

Maybe one day you will take a visit to the USA and some of us may get to meet you! I live in Orlando Florida, so let me know if you ever come this way!

Rosemary

[Guest moparlicious]

Teny,

You are a amazing and loving women. I agree with everyone here your language barrier as you may put it has never been a issue for any of us. I hope you know how blessed we are to have you here and know that you have helped me through many rough days. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling, with the approaching holidays, I am so sad too. My Dan had 3 favorite holidays, Halloween (for his love for children and to see their happy faces always made him smile), Thanksgiving(for he liked to eat, lol) and Christmas. I am getting ready to return to my old job, which I was at when Dan was so sick, I miss having him making my lunch(even when he was sick and throwing up) saying hello and how was your day, I know all these sad feelings all to well. I do thank God we all have each other, and know that meeting you some day would be such a honor for me!!!!!!!!! You have many friends who love you and I wish you were here to hold and show you I care, but I send you all my love and many virtual hugs. Never forget you are a courageous and wonderful women and I love you with all my heart!!!! love, Kim

[shhh65]

Teny,

We understand how deep your pain is as we all feel it ourselves. It is our common bond. I am praying for you.

Love,

Sherry

[kayc]

Teny,

I don't have any trouble understanding you, you express yourself very well! I am sorry for your pain, I keep hoping it gets better.

Last night I talked with my friend about George and she recalled the obvious adoration he had for me...we enjoyed reminiscing together about our late husbands as we both knew each other's husbands...

[teny]

THANK YOU MARTY For your very helpful post THANK YOU MY FRIENDS YOU ARE ALL SO CLOSE TO MY HEART And soo far away in real disdance.I need your support and positive thoughts espetialy this time of year .Reading your post I do realise the power that words have.Words of friends can save you can make you feel hope and try to live again Your far away friend TENY