It's Almost Been A Year

[Ployd]

I am new to posting on this web site. I thought I was doing Ok, running at full steam this whole year. Yesterday the 23rd, I realized that it will be a year next month on Nov. 23rd that I lost my husband and best friend. I was coming home from work today, I just started to cry. I still miss him everyday. There were times I wished this was all a very bad dream and I would wake up and everything would be like it was 3 years ago. That didn't happen.

I work for a large Company and my co workers still treat me different. I can't get use to the idea of being single, on my own again.

I still look at his pictures, I wonder why he got cancer and why the Dr's couldn't do anything, I am still angry. I still have so many questions.

I did join a gym to work out frustration, it works for a while.

When does the hurting stop?

[kath]

Dear Ployd,

Welcome to this caring, understanding, compassionate place. Thank you for your post. I am sorry you have to share in this sorrow, but I'm glad you are here. You really struck a cord with me when you said you have been "running at full steam this whole year." Initially, I thought I had to complete all of Bob's projects...put our beautiful, old dog to sleep, sell the kennels, build shelves for my daughter's room, replace doors and floors...and so much more. I let my kids have non-stop sleepovers with their friends at our house to maintain the commotion. It kept me busy and it was good because it cut down on the time to think or even feel. The silence was too painful. It was a frantic pace and one I couldn't keep at for long. I can't imagine how exhausted you must feel after keeping it up for a year.

It is normal to still be angry and to question and look for answers. It is normal to feel different from your co-workers. It is normal to cry, especially as you approach this first anniversary. I've been there. The only way to get through it is to go through it. I've been missing Bob for nearly 17 months. I still hurt, deeply at times, but seem to have a lot more days where his memory makes me smile or laugh or be glad that he was such a huge part of my life. I think that we are given deep bursts of hurt at specific times because that is the amount we are able to handle. If we could grieve all at once, I'm pretty sure we would die ourselves of a broken heart.

I don't know how we even get to the first anniversary. I think that knowing we did contributes to the pain and sense of loss. How did we manage to live a whole year without our loved one? Somehow we did and we will continue to live even through the tears. It's hard to be single again. I loved being married. It brought out the best in me. I knew how to be a wife. I loved being Bob's wife. I was good at it. I wish you, too, could erase all that has happened since your husband became ill. But more, I hope you are able to slow down. Continue to post and find new ways to reach out. We are all here for you. We'll help you through it.

Love,

Kath

[missingcharlie]

Kath - Wanted to tell you how much, what you wrote, touched me. I thought you put that very nicely. I've been missing Charlie for almost 4 years (Nov. 16th), now and I TOO still hurt deeply sometimes.... Think I always will.

Hugs to all!!

Patti

[kayc]

Ployd,

Welcome to this site, this is the place you can come to and air your feelings and we understand.

You asked when it quits hurting...I'm sure it's different for everyone, but I'm not sure there is an ending point, you do get more accustomed to it somehow though. It's been 3 years 4 months for me and I still miss him, I always will. The anger subsides eventually, I don't feel angry any more, but I will always feel the huge gap that he left. A part of you always feels different from others, I think. Some people have adjusted better than others, I'm wondering how they'd answer this, like Karen...

Filling your time seems to help a little, but we still have to go through the grieving process, there's no way around it, we can try to prolong it, but it still comes, unbidden.

Please keep coming here, it helps to know you aren't alone and your feelings are normal. You've made it almost a year, I know it doesn't seems like "making it", but the days have ticked by nonetheless, and the first year without him seems the hardest in some ways.

Wishing you a better year ahead,

KayC

[fred]

Ployd, I am so sorry for your loss and the pain which brought you here. After twenty one months I still feel the hurt every time someone new joins the group, I am glad you found us, but wish you didn´t have too. The girls are right, and they express themselves so well. The only thing I can add is that your excessive activity may have actually prolonged the grieving process. I did exactly the same thing you have done. I threw myself into my work, even working almost around the clock for weeks at a time. Hey, I wasn´t sleeping anyway, why not use the time constructively. Not only did I find that I couldn´t work very efficiently, but I eventually ended up physically ill. And I still couldn´t sleep. It wasn´t until after the one year anniversary of my wife´s death that I realized I wasn´t getting better, I was getting worse. I tried to find new friends to spend time with and even started with the online dating sites (big mistake!). At the very bottom, at thirteen and a half months, I stumbled into this group. I can only think that God decided I had finally been humbled enough to realize I couldn´t fix myself this time. As Kath noted, these very special friends may have actually saved my life (haven´t you heard of couples where one spouse dies shortly after the first one is gone, a broken heart and the loss of the will to go on can kill you). So, slow down. Just a little, cry when you feel like it (I do), talk to us, read and look back over the older posts and replies, and most of all, take good care of yourself. And when you need it, you can always come here for a hug (). I have found hugs to be the best medicine for most of what ails us. Fred

[Rosemary T]

Hi Ployd!

When I read what you and Kath did I can see that maybe my way was hard but perhaps the right thing for me.

I went home from the ER by myself after kissing my beloved Lou good bye for the last time (he had a massive heart attack while I was with him) and for 7 months I came home to an empty house each evening after work. I planned the entire memorial service myself and took care of all the business with the Social Security office, credit reports, etc with no one by my side. I can't begin to tell you how lonely and devastating this was for me. Everything was so quiet and all I could do was cry and wait for the sun to come up so that I had to get up and go to work again. Perhaps this long bout of tremendous grief has to be gone through. Either at the beginning or if you overload on activities, sometime later!

We are all feeling it; the anger, loneliness, despair, fear, etc. I come here to vent and to hear about others experiences. Fred has shared things that have made me reconfirm that I need to wait a long time before gradually making friends again. For me this is best because things are too raw for me to jump in just yet. I am a firm believer that people need to really listen to their own "inner voice" and do what really "feels right" and not mimic anyone else or listen to those well meaning but clueless co-workers or friends that have no concept.

The folks here are the best to vent and gain insight from but ultimately you have to go with your GUT!!! You are unique. Your situation is unique. NO ONE had what you had and NO ONE feels exactly like you. Folks in here come the closest to understanding though and are the ones with the best "listening ears".

My heart is broken and I know yours is too. Thank you for sharing your grief, it makes us all realize we are not alone!

Rosemary

[shhh65]

Ployd,

I wish I had an answer but I have the same questions as you. I go for a week to two at the most when I think I am making progress and then I feel like I am starting all over again. My husband died December 22nd and with the holidays coming and all the firsts these last 10 months it only serves to remind that he will never be here with us again. I love God and I know there is a plan for us to be together again but sometimes it doesn't help when I'm in the moment of wanting him here with me.

Welcome to this site. I for one do not know where I would be if I didn't have this outlet, as well as the friends I've made in a local grief suuport group I attend. The people here are non-judgemental and understanding because they know how you feel.

Sherry

[Ployd]

Thank you everyone.

I do need a hug now and then. I miss that the most. I don't have any children, just two cats, my babies. I miss talking to Ken, talking about the house, what I should do. I have been working on my house and working at the office 10 to 12 hours a day. At night, well I started smoking again. Although, I don't smoke at work. I still feel a little guilty smoking. It helps, as least I am not drinking.

Coming up on November 23rd, it just brought back so many memories of Ken's last 2 weeks with me. It hit me as if I ran into a brick wall.

I do appreciate everyone's thoughts and words, this really helps me. I didn't use this site in the beginning, I thought I could handle the emotions, and try to forget and run at full steam ahead.

Paula

[fred]

Hi again Paula (thanks for using another name, Ployd felt a little awkward). Actually I would prefer if you took up drinking rather than smoking if you need a vice. I feel that smoking was one of the major causes of my wife´s death. Granted there are several that I have identified, but each one intensifies the effect of the others. I know none of us will live forever, but it is never good to lose anyone early. I just heard of another of our members that has decided to quit again and I jump for joy at the news of anyone becoming strong enough to toss the smokes away. Here are a couple more hugs to help you along ((( )))!

[LarrysGirl]

Hi Paula, welcome to our great group of caring people. I'm sorry for the loss of your husband. I wanted to share, that I also, the first year threw myself into my painting (my work). Someone from a grief group tried to warn me that I would burn myself out, to slow down. I didn't think that would happen to me, I was selling my work more than ever before, so I felt fine, tired, but fine. Yet, it did catch up with me into the 2nd year and the fatigue worsened. I pushed on and my body just about crumbled. I still don't have the stamina I used to have. So just some advice, slow down alittle, rest more, and take care of yourself. The grief journey takes time and you need to pace yourself. Deborah

[kayc]

Paula,

Just dropping in to say hello this morning and I hope you have a good day today. Yes, Fred is right, smoking contributed to my husband George's death too (unexpected heart attack). But drinking can cause just as many problems, just different ones.

Right after George died I remember seeing a refrigerator magnet that was a dragonfly (that was just so God could get my attention) and it said "Find Joy in each new day"...I felt it was a message for me, so I bought it. I have tried to do that...it has been a stretch at times, but if a person looks hard enough, they can find it, maybe just little ones, but they're there all the same. A beautiful sunset, a kitten's purr, elk mewing, a dog's "kiss", a call from a friend, something. And that has to get me through the day cuz sometimes, that's all there is. In no way does it make up for the loss of George, who was all encompassing in my life, but it helps to have the little "perks" to know God is still thinking of me now and then.

In my life time will be measured by "before" and "after", just as everyone else here can attest to. Wendy and Derek have found new love in each other, that is wonderful! Some of us will never have that and can't even hope for that, but we learn to rebuild our lives with just us and be content, even while we never welcomed our losses and would have our loved ones back in a heartbeat if we were given the choice.

I am hoping today will be a good one for you and for all of the others who've suffered the losses of the brightest thing in their lives, their spouses.

[marsha]

Paula - don't fee bad, I started smoking again, too. The wierd thing was, my husband smoked three packs a day - and his lungs were fine! I'll quit, eventually, but for now... it's hard to try to live in the moment, and the day, but if I think ahead, i drive myself crazy. I try to be gentle with myself - eat foods that appeal to me, listen to music (although I'm sure my neighbors aren't happy when I crank up Jimi Hendrix), just be. It's absolutely the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life - I feel like I'm branded with fire. All I can say, is thank the lord for you all, because 99 percent of people, including friends and family, don't get it, although they mean well. Marsha

[Ployd]

You are so right. Marsha, I listen to Pink Floyd, Dark side of the Moon, I crank it up and make my neighbors crazy.

I would like to thank everyone again for all of your support and kind words. You have given me more support in the last 48 hours then I received from my friends in the past 11 months. I didn't believe I needed support until recently.

I have a friend whose husband has cancer, same as my husband had. Her husband's cancer is also terminal. I will be there for her now and when she needs me later. As I will continue to check in on this site to offer support to others who need it.

As Fred said we all need hugs, I am sending big hugs to all of you.

Paula