I Have Missed You!

[Corinne]

Hi Everyone!

I know it has been a while since I have posted. I have been so busy with working and raising the girls and finishing keeping John's family away from the girls. Those of you who know me and the story of John's death will know what I am talking about. I know that I have said that I felt like they thought that I had something to do with John being missing. Well, they took me to court to try and get visitation with the girls. During the hearing it came out that they thought I had something to do with murdering John even though the autopsy proved that he died of hypothermia. John's father also said that he always hated me. They also said that they did not think that I told the girls that their father was dead. It was a very draining and a horrible experience, but thank God the judge was a former D.A. and head of a child abuse unit and she saw right through everything. The outcome was they will have no visitation and the judge told them that they all really need to get into therapy. She actually had guards escort myself, my attorney, and my family out of the court house because she felt that something might happen.

I have told you this because I want everyone who is relatively new to loss to understand that if you have not finished grieving and finding who you are you can get involved in a relationship that is not good. (I am not in any way speaking of Wendy's and Derek's relationship because they are two awesome people who have been through it all and I believe that they do belong together, nor am I speaking of Williams new relationship). I just wanted to bring this up with all the dating and relationship talk because sometimes we just so want to be in love again and don't think it through and then we find ourselves in the wrong situation. I know this because I met John right after I lost my Jimmy "my true love" and I just so wanted to feel what I felt with Jimmy that I jumped right into the relationship and here I am 20 months later finally ending the nightmare that relationship has caused me. I did end up with two absolutely beautiful girls from the relationship though and they are what keep me going and I now feel I can go on with a new life.

I am not saying this so that people do not date again I am just letting you know to be careful and think everything through first because you are all wonderful, caring special friends that I do not want to see hurt.

I love you and care about y'all (is that the correct spelling Derek and Wendy LOL),

Corinne

[kayc]

Wow, to have to decide between Jersey and Howdy would be really tough, both are very special and unique places!

Corine,

We have missed you too and it's good to hear what's going on and that you're doing okay in spite of it all. I, too, can attest to what you're saying, I got into a relationship too soon out of all my pain and fear and feeling overwhelmed, I didn't plan on it, but he was George's friend and I suppose that helped me let down my guard, but George never endorsed him for a relationship! Maybe if George would have had an inkling this could have happened, he'd have warned me away, who knows! I know God is protecting George from knowing how bad things are or he'd find a way to bridge the gulf between us and come down and give John a whuppin!

Yes, people, please wait until at least two years are past before even "going there", it takes until the third year for you to process everything, in most cases. They tell us that on the marriagebuilders site too when someone has cheated on you, it takes a good two years to work through that, and that's IF your partner shows remorse and does what they need to do to restore the relationship. In my case, John's not helping me a whole lot with this and I'm having quite a time. One thing I've learned though is to take a day at a time, leave the future up to God, work on being the best person I can be (whether in a relationship or not) so that people will WANT to be around me, and I am trying not to worry about things as much as I normally tend to do. I can't change all my circumstances right now, but I do need to learn to survive them. The future will eventually sort itself out. I remind myself the lesson I've learned so many times in the past, "It won't be like this forever". I know things will get better or they will end, one or the other. I am not trying to rush anything one way or another, just wait and see what unfolds and I know me...whatever may come, I will deal with it.

In case you missed it, Corine, John cheated on me, big time, he was living with a girl, and if I came to visit, he'd move her out, remove all traces of her completely, but I went up unannouced one day and caught him. It's been a roller coaster ride since. I booted her out...well he brought his trailer home and stayed with friends during the summer and when he went to do some work on his trailer he discovered the floors and walls are all rotted out and it needs MAJOR rennovation in order to be habitable again, so in the meanwhile he's rooming with a guy but that is NOT working out...he's learning hard lessons (or not) about bad choices...

I am doing okay though. By this time I have gotten used to living alone, it's been three years and four months since George passed away. It still is not my preference, but I vastly prefer it to a wrong relationship!

Anyway, Corine, welcome back, we really do need each other! And Congratulations on your court battle!

Love,

KayC

Edited October 26, 2008 by kayc

[Corinne]

KayC,

Thank you, the court was a nightmare, just the thought of those horrible people getting visitations with my girls was terrifying. I could not think about anything other than the court hearing for so long. Thank God it all turned out OK.

I am so sorry for what you are going through with John, you definitely deserve better!! I like you do believe that there is always a silver lining out there, it is just a matter of time until it shows itself. I don't think we could survive without some sort of hope.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers for everything to work out for you.

Love,

Corinne

[Rosemary T]

Corrine,

Thanks so much for your words of wisdom about the whole "dating" thing. I can't even THINK about being with anyone now that my soulmate is gone. I am terribly lonely but just can't imagine anyone taking his place.

A friend (well not really) of mine whose husband died within a month of mine (he had cancer) really made me feel bad when she chided me about still wearing my wedding rings. This was 3 months ago and of course I am still wearing them. They give me comfort and I see no reason to take them off. I am married to Lou. I know he is dead but that does not change the fact that I am his wife. This lady looked at me like I was crazy when I seemed confused by her questioning me wearing the ring. She also had started putting her dead husbands things on ebay about a week after he died. It took me 7 months to even move his clothes out of our Master closet and I only did that because my parents were coming to stay with me and we needed the room for their clothes in the other closets that I was using for winter wear.

I felt so odd talking to her. She was moving right along getting on with her life and made me feel like something was really wrong with me. Even now when I go in the bathroom, Lou's colonge and shaving stuff is right there on the counter. She implied I might need counseling. I haven't seen her since then. We really are in different places with our grief and I don't think I make her comfortable and I know she does not do it for me. Too bad; I was really thinking we might be a comfort to one another.

It sounds like you really have been through a lot and I envy you having your girls to make what was a bad situation really work for the good. God has a way of taking ALL things and making them work toward the good. I hope to find out what that good is in terms of my situation. I would really like this to be revealed now but it is not up to me to determine that.

Thanks again for sharing. I feel a little better!

Rosemary

[AnnieO]

Rosemary,

I just wanted to tell you, my uncle died when my aunt was 42, she is 82 now and has never taken off her wedding ring.

[kath]

Rosemary,

I still wear my wedding ring. In fact, when I was teaching our 5th grade Faith Formation Class that God gives us signs of His love for us, I used my rings as an example, that even though Bob is gone, I can look at them and know he loves me.

I did have a really sad thing happen on my last birthday, though, when I lost my anniversary ring at the zoo. My birthday marked one year since Bob was home alive. He went into the hospital the next day and died a week later. I was traumatized at losing this ring, knowing that I would never have another anniversary. It felt like he died all over again. I had to convince myself that material things are just things, that my memories can't be lost or stolen. It was another turning point. As I learned to accept I would never find the ring, I was able to let go of some of his clothes. Not all of them, but I was able to go through our closet for the first time and donate quite a bit. The things that made me cry, I kept. And things that my son may be able to use, I saved them, too. And then, someone asked me to make a quilt out of her son's shirts as he had passed away years earlier, so I went and grabbed most of Bob's back. Looking around, I probably saved more than I threw, but I at least started to go through stuff.

I read a book about the Ojibwe in Minnesota. It was customary to grieve for a year. After one year a big celebration was held with everyone donating food. The widow/widower would then give away all the tools, clothes, pots, etc. to people she selected in the tribe. It made sense and I appreciated that even they recognized that losing a loved one isn't over in a matter of weeks as it can be expected in our society.

I'm sorry, Corrine, for getting off track. I don't know you, but you must be a very strong woman to have to deal with all the court issues. It sounds like it was a nightmare. I'm happy it worked out for you and your girls. i wish you all the best as you start this new beginning.

Kath

Edited October 27, 2008 by kath

[mlg]

Rosemary, I know that each of us grieves in our own way, but your friend sounds cruel. I had a hard time when Tom died because a couple of years ago he gained some weight and his wedding band (which was a wide one) got tight and his finger started to breakout and crack so I got him a little bigger and more narrow. The original one had 2-6-71 to eternity inscribed in it and I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep that one or bury him in it. I asked my girls and they said it had to be my decision, so I decided that when we took our vows they were for eternity so that was the one that should be with him forever. I wore the other ring around my neck on a chain and was worried I would lose it so I had it cut down to fit me and I now wear it under my wedding band. I touch it most days and tell him that we are together for forever and this is to remind me of that (like I need a reminder). It has been 9 mos for me and I cannot imagine ever taking these rings off. I also have his clothes in my closet except for the few that I gave to a homeless shelter ( a few t-shirts, tennis shoes).

I'll tell you something else that really upsets me is when you fill out forms that only give the option of single, married, divorced. I mark married. If they had widowed I would mark that,but I am still married to him.

I hope you and Corinne find some peace as well as everyone else here.

[WendyJ]

Hey Corinne,

Yep you spelled Y'all right ! LOL I am so glad the court battle is over and you are back on the site even though we talked privately. We have all missed you here and are so glad you are back. It means alot to me that you support Derek and I as you and I have been friends since the beginning. Derek and I share something very special and we are so glad our family here is happy for us.

Love, Wendy

[teny]

HI CORINNE I have missed you also. Many times I wonder of some friends that started posting the same time with me maybe they are over the grief and doing better.I admire your strength.For me it is going to be 2 years coming sunday.SOOO HARD>Your far away friend TENY

[kayc]

Mary Linda,

Could you write in widowed?

[JeanneC]

Hi Rosemary:

I still wear my wedding rings. I don't think that I will ever take them off. As far as my husband's clothes go, I still have them. I am just moving them to another closet. I thought right after he died that I would definitely get rid of the clothes, but as I was looking at them, I remember moments that he wore a certain shirt at an affair we wentto or when we first met and when we were dating. It brings back a lot good memories. At this point, I don't think that I will ever get rid of my husband's belongings.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[Gail_R]

Hi everyone..i have put my rings away but only becasue i got Bruce's wedding band sized for me and I wear it all the time...and as for his clothes they are still in his drawers and in the closet and he is gone over 21 months I just cann't bring myself to give anything away at lest not yet...Gail

[fred]

Hi Corrine et al., it is so good to hear from so many of you and to know you are making progress. I am delighted with the way your court case turned out Corrine, thanK God for getting that particular judge. Hearing all of you girls talk about rings and clothing, etc.; I thought you might like to discover that it isn´t much different for us guys. I lost my wedding ring within a year or two after we married and was afraid to tell my wife even though I had warned her that with my work it would probably happen. I also wrestled with the decision of whether to bury her rings with her, but decided to give them to her nieces instead. They refused to accept them and one emphatically told me that I had to keep them because I ¨might need them¨. I didn´t understand at the time, but now I find that I almost HAVE to wear her rings on my little finger whenever I am going out and in no danger of losing them. It seems strange, but I find them very comforting now. Almost all of her clothes I had to give away very quickly, they were extremely disturbing. Almost like I expected her to walk in at any moment and start picking out something to wear to court or the office, I certainly would have loved for that to happen, but I also would have ended up in the looney bin. The things that have turned up since (they were at the cleaners, in a box in the attic, etc.), I can´t even touch. Just this week I started to take down some of her cards off her dresser and was going to move some of the pictures so I could invite her mom over for pizza sometime. I started falling apart all over again. If my best friend hadn´t called right then and told me to leave everything alone, I may have ended up with one of those anxiety attacks we all find so comforting (NOT). Anyway, glad to hear from so many or you. Hugs to all. ((( )))

[WendyJ]

Fred I will do whatever it takes to help you to get through this just like you have done for me...that is what best friends are for.

Love,

Wendy