Stop The World I Want To Get Off!

[marsha]

I'm feeling lost today - when I read about your families, I'm envious. Joe and I had no kids, my parents are dead - so I'm an orphan and a widow at age 52. My keyboard just blipped, so it said age 552, but that's about how old I feel sometimes. I'm just feeling very alone on this planet today. It occurred to me that so much has gone on in the last 4 months since he died - the world doesn't stop for anyone, and we would have had such debates about it. But I feel like I'm stuck back in that hospice room with him. I feel like I have blocks of granite on my feet, trying to move forward. Marsha

[dpodesta]

Marsha,

At the beginning it does seem like we have blocks of cement on our feet and that we can't move forward. Those blocks will slowly lighten and you will be able to move faster and faster. Just give it time, I am sure you have probably heard enough about giving it time by now but it is so true. The next few months will be difficult and it will seem like it is getting worse instead of better and most everyone on this site will agree with me that during this time period it is normal to feel this way. Just keep coming here and we wil be here to help you through it.

Love always

Derek

[WendyJ]

Marsha,

You are so right when you say the world does not stop for anyone, I believe at one point I had said the very same thing. I remember thinking how could people be so happy when I just lost the love of my life, how could they not know how wonderful my Steve was and how so very much I am hurting? The only thing I can say is many times in our lives when we were happy before we lost our loved ones someone else had lost someone and wondered how we could be so happy too. Do what I did in the beginning, look back on one of our members posts from the beginning and see how grief stricken they were and where they have progressed to today...I know it helped me to realize that you can go on, even though I did not have the desire too and how very scared I was. You say you have no family, that you are an Orphan, well we have just adopted you as one of our own so please remember you will always have family here.

Love Always,

Wendy

[LarrysGirl]

Hi Marsha, I know about wanting the world to stop, time to stop, but unfortunately it doesn't. You aren't alone anymore! You are part of a great group who are hurting with you and are hoping to help you on your journey. Deborah

[kath]

Dear Marsha,

Please know you are not alone on this journey. Looking back, at four months, everything felt like cement...my heart, my feet, my arms, my head. Somehow I managed to keep moving anyway. The lonliness became overwhelming and although it never completely goes away, it does become (I think KayC said it best) "palatable." It is definitely hard to not have someone here to talk over the little things. The election especially brought that lack of not having Bob here to question and debate into the forefront. I feel his absence when I watch a show he would have loved, when I hear of a place he once visited, whenever I have to decide on something. It goes on and on.

You are maintaining so much and you have managed to help me in such a short time with your kindness, insight and wisdom. Is there help for you at the deli? What about other relatives? Can you take a break from writing your articles? I know these are things that have helped you cope so far, but being fired from job because of grief issues was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. It allowed me time to mourn and get used to being alone. I still get lonely, but I've forced my myself to reach out when I need it most. You're doing that already. I really admire you for that!

Psst...I am only 49, but look like and sometimes feel 449! Kath

[Rosemary T]

Hi Marsha,

I can really relate to what you are saying. I am only a few years younger than you (47) but I also feel old as "dirt" most of the time. Its funny you mention about the World needing to stop. I think that was what just amazed me the most after Lou died. I was with him in the Hospital ER room when his heart attack happened and he died almost instantly. I went home to a house totally empty, laid in bed waiting for the sun to come up and was AMAZED that everything and everybody just went on as normal. The most wonderful person in the world had just died; my life had come to a complete stop (or so I wished) and people were still going about their daily lives. How could that be? I still look around in bewilderment most of the time as I see that things go on. How dare they?

My parents (who are raising my niece) moved back from out of country about 7 months after Lou died and I think having them around does create a bit of diversion for me so I should be grateful but I have to tell you Marsha, that without my Lou I also feel like an "orphan". Family members have their own lives to lead and we are still alone in our pain. Even having great folks to talk to here on this site does not fill the void. I don't think anything ever will for some of us. Sorry to sound so depressing. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your feelings. Take care and keep checking back!

Rosemary

[kayc]

Marsha,

While it may be true that the rest of the world seems to go on when our spouse dies and our world as we knew it stopped, never to be again, eventually we form a new world...not the same, and maybe not of our liking, but we adjust somewhat if we work at it. Your grief is so fresh and new, you can't help but feel what you are feeling, we all have felt the exact same way! My children were grown and on their own when George died, not living here, my daughter came home for a few weeks and my son for two weeks, but then they went back to their worlds and I was left alone in my pain and emptiness. ALL of my friends disappeared! The church was not there for me. My job ended. The sense of desolation was overwhelming! But out of the ashes began to emerge a new friendship that endures to this day, and now that she has lost her husband, I can be there for her in her grief and pain. Life did go on, I still had to work, still had to eat, still had to build a fire to keep warm, but for me, the world that I cherished stopped at 6:00 p.m. Father's Day, June 19, 2005. Everything about that day, everything about that weekend will forever be etched in my heart. But that wasn't the important part, the truly important part was what took place prior to that day, it was the years, days, moments in my relationship with George that filled my heart and my life...that filled his. Those were the moments that counted, and his life did not end on that day, it merely got out of reach for me for a while, and I believe with all of my heart that we will be reunited, and I look forward to that day! Right now I have to find a way to live in this moment and find something to occupy my time besides drugery, the paying of bills, doing chores, going to work, etc...something that can bring my life meaning and enjoyment, however small. That is no easy task but it is to that end that I aspire. It is too hard for you to see ahead that way right now, right now it takes all you can do to just get one foot out of bed in the morning and follow with the other foot. I remember those days, wanting to pull the covers back over my head and not wake up...only most nights I couldn't sleep either.

God be with you, I pray you some relief soon.

With love,

KayC

[Guest moparlicious]

Marsha,

At no time are you alone when you have all of us here. I am only 41 and was 40 when Dan died, I do have children with him, but feeling alone can happen to anyone and I know the lonely feelings. Please know so many amazing people here help you through everyday. I have met some wonderful friends here and lifelong friends. I will pray for you for peace. I send you many virtual hugs and know you are loved and cared for!!!!! Love, Kim

[JandE905]

I feel the same way. Its been 6 months, 1 week and 6 days since I lost my best friend and husband, Eric. I feel like the days just keep getting harder. I feel that its not fair for the world to go on without him. I feel that we won the World Series (Philadelphia Phillies) and Eric was not here for it and that its so unfair. He didn't get to experience it. He didn't get to see the historical presidential election that just passed. Sometimes, I just stop in the street and wonder how can everyone else go on without him. Doesn't anyone realize that he's not here!!! I feel so guilty and awlful for getting up each day. I feel that its not fair for me to be here and he's not. I do have 2 children from Eric. My oldest daughter is 13 and my son is 3. Sometimes, I can't even look at them. Just seeing Eric in them breaks my heart. I love my kids with everything that I am but I have so many emotions when I look at them sometimes. I feel so bad for them that they don't have a father now. How are they going to grow up without him. How is my son who is only 3 going to have any memories of him. I know that I will be able to tell him about his father but its not the same. Eric wanted a son so badly and it took us 10 years to finally have another baby. He was thrilled when we found out we were having a boy. How am I going to raise a boy? I feel so lost. I was with Eric since I was 13. My whole life was Eric. I don't know who I am without him. I feel like I have died with him so why shouldn't I just die also! My life has no meaning without him. I'm sorry that none of this is encouraging but I honestly have nothing encouraging to offer. I am lost, lonely and miserable. I hope that you can find some comfort here, if only for a few seconds. One thing I can say is that the people here do care for you and so do I.

Jenn

[marsha]

Jenn - I'm going to share a story with you - Joe had 2 kids, both grown, in their 30's - they had kids of their own and emailed us pics, and such - but Joe hadn't seen them in 20 years (long story) They live in CA. I called them the weekend I knew Joe was close to dying - they came out the next day, and were with me, and Joe, holding on to him that last day. Even though he hadn't seen them in so long, we shared long hours of stories, and we had kept all their childhood pictures. We all cried--so much. But I see Joe in his kids, and when they came out for his memorial a months later with the 5 grandkids, I saw Joe in them, as well. Even though you may be thinking that memories are not there, or will be lost, I can say with certainty that's not the case.Your kids will know your husband - through you.

I want YOU to find comfort HERE - just the fact that you posted here, in response to my post, makes me feel so good, and it's also good that you are thinking, and feeling, and that's what you need to do to get through this! I so understand your agony, and lonliness - this is an awful place to be in our lives. As so many wise people have said here before, we are a true family here. In our everyday lives, we tend to just go about our business, as best as we can, but here we can lay out our feelings with no judgement. So please do it, Jenn. My thoughts are truly with you. Marsha

[kayc]

Jenn,

I have memories of my 2nd birthday, I also remember sitting on the edge of the table while my mom fed me babyfood. If I can remember that, your son can remember his father. Keep the memories alive, talk to him about him, it will help him to continue to remember. Talk about things he did with him, how he loved him, how he played with him, anything, but keep the memories alive.

You are fortunate to have children with him to look into their faces and see him in them...I don't have that with George, we met too late in life, but I do get to talk with his daughter, althought his son never contacts me.

It is weird to think that life goes on for the rest of the world when our world just ended. We cannot feel guilty for continuing to live, it's what we have to do, but it is a common feeling.

This is a place where we come together with people from all over the world and share our innermost feelings, our fears, our triumphs, and we encourage each other and love each other and most of all, let each other know we are not alone. This place has saved my life...and that of many others. I pray you find comfort here.

KayC

[mlg]

Hopefully in this day of electronics someone took videos of your family. When the wounds start to heal, you'll be able to watch these with your children and it will help them remember. I have a friend whose daughter had just turned 2 when her dad died and when she was in 3rd grade she was talking about him. She said she could only remember him through pictures, if only she had been able to see the animated him through the videos we have now. I know one of the first things to really bother me was I forgot Tom's voice. I knew I couldn't watch videos (still can't) but I remembered a friend had his voice on a phone voicemail. We worked at it for a half hour to get it on the answering machine. What a happy day that was for me.

Let the kids kind of be the leaders at this point. Just don't make them feel that they can't talk with you about him. You all three have to grieve together.

(((((hugs))))