Wants Someone To Talk To..

[Nicole]

I lost my mother a little less than three months ago to cancer and I was alright for a while...but lately I've been a mess. I am 18 years old and am looking for someone to talk to that is around my own age and has gone through something similar. If anyone is interested could you please email me? My email is Strummer.girl@gmail.com ... thank you.

[DebFromLodi]

I am not in your age group but, believe me, it does not matter how old or how young you are, when you lose your mother..you lose a part of yourself. I lost my mom in Feb 2008 and I am still in shock. I talk to her daily and pray constantly for God to take care of her. I hurt like I never knew was possible. I miss her more with each passing day. We are here for you if you need us.

[Chai]

Hello Nicole,

I think that the above poster is right. It does not matter what age we are, we are all sad, and I think that we can all help each other. At the same time, though, I can understand wanting someone your age to talk to, especially if you are feeling like your peers, or friends, or siblings, are not open to listening. I would also like to have someone around my age to talk to. My dad just passed away, on November 17th, of cancer. I can relate to the pain and sadnes you are feeling.

I shall email you.

[Chai]

Nicole,

another thing I wanted to say is - sharing here might help. So many people here, all ages, all sorts of people, from everywhere and every walk of life, have experienced a loss. They feel for you, and they are sad, too. Maybe talking on this website to everybody, not just those your age, will help you. I think all the people on this website, with their (unfortunate) experience, can help those of us who are new to understand, perhaps how we can react to those around us who do not understand our pain.

I am having trouble with people at school, too, in that I simply feel a bit awkward around them, and even though some of them are my friends, I don't feel quite like they are the people who are most supportive and understand my grief. They seem to want to distract me, or avoid the topic. I am fine with not avoiding the topic, so...thankfully winter break is soon.

Wishing you the best,

Chai

[Chai]

Hello all,

I just wanted to say, I have contacted Nicole and for the past couple weeks or so, we have been emailing each other privately. It is very good to email someone. I find that it also helps me to talk to someone in my age group, and I am discovering, as I try to help Nicole, ways to help myself. I just end up typing, and typing, and...things come out, ideas and realizations, that I would not have come up with otherwise. It's really neat.

I would like to share something I wrote, about the mutual trouble Nicole and I are having with friends at school, and how to talk to them about it, when we know they do not understand what we are going through:

" I am sorry that our friends are not understanding, and I wish there were some way to help them to understand. Otherwise, we will continue to feel lonely, won't we? Ah, it is tough. I want them to understand, but I realize that they will need my help if I expect them to understand. At the same time, I fear that they are afraid of my grief, of that topic, or that I would be burdening them by confiding my sad thoughts with them. Friends are supposed to be confidantes though, are they not? It is only making you and I sadder, that we cannot confide in our friends.

I think it is important, tough though it may be to spit the words out, to acknowledge our sadness in front of people. It is hard. For instance, today something in class made me think of my father, and I almost started talking to a friend about it, but didn't. In retrospect I am thinking, I should. Our friends do not know what it is like to lose a parent, but they can still act as a listening ear or give us a hug. So when you friend asks if you are ok, well, be honest. If you are not ok, maybe you would feel better to sit down and talk to him about what you are feeling?

I am going to try to do this more amongst my friends, and publicly acknowledge my feelings. this way, there is some hope that they can somewhat understand, not what we are going through, but our current mood, at least.

Without grabbing that opportunity, we are experiencing even in our friend groups, a distancing, in which we are in one place so different than them. They will never be in that exact place with us, having not lost parents, but they can stand beside us and be there for us in any way they can. Just having the distance lessened, instead of feeling that yawning, lonely gap, I think will help."

I am not the voice of experience, but the ideas I am having about how Nicole and I can talk to our friends all spring from my father. In his healing work, he helped people to release emotions and to acknowledge their feelings. I think this method makes sense, so I am thinking, how can we use this to feel less lonely amongst our friends?

Please tell me what you think. I might post this in another thread on communication or something.

[jackietnd1]

Hi Nicole,

I am not your age, and could perhaps be your grandmother, however I loss my mother on Nov 15( two days before your Dad Chai) I understand and feel your pain.

Indeed having someone your age to talk to will help and I know if you please keep coming here and reading and posting, this too will help as it has helpled me.

I had 2 major losses this year, my husband(Lawrence) on Good Friday 03/21/2008 then Mom(Virginia) on 11/15/2008.

I know because of my coming here reading everyones post and sharing by e-mail with a couple people I am having some good days, not all however I will take what I can get.

The shock of my mother is wearing off and now I am missing her like crazy, this is all normal which I learned here.

You Please take care of yourself and take it slow.

Keep the Faith

Jackie

[Russell]

Nicole,

I'm not your age. But I lost my mother on sept.8,2008. Tried to find things to do for yourself. I like to watch DVD's and color. I just take it 1 day at a time. I spend a lot of time at home I.have no friends and all my fsmily is out of state. My aunt die on Dec. 21,2008. I did not have the money to go to her furneal. Things have been going wrong for me. I'm tired of people telling me God does not give you more than you can hanld. I tried to just take it 1 day at a time and do something for me.

God Bless,

Russell Wentzloff

e-mail address:wentzloff@aol.com

,

[natasha1991]

hay im tasha i am 17 i didnt loose my mum but my dad passed away narley 6 months ago. ii can talk to u if u want and i have already added you k msn

xxx

[Nicole]

Thank you all for responding. I really appreciate it.

[InNeedOfAnAngel]

nicole,

i'm close to your age at 21 and i lost my mom last april and had a hard time with it. i'm here for ya to talk to.

[southern eagle]

Nicole,

I am here for you as an old gal, you are the same age as my daughter, but I have been thru what you are going thru many years ago....what ever I can do, just talk online or thru pm

Patti

[Blue Eyes]

I am here for you too if I can help , I just lost my Dad a couple months ago and I think we are at the same stage. I was Daddy's girl and mom is my best friend, maybe we can help each other....

[mduwyenie]

Hi Nicole,

Just wanted to let you know that I and others all have gone through something similiar with what your dealing with in your range of emotions. I'm here also if you want to talk.

Mary

[JamesI]

Hi Nicole,

I lost my mom on March 20, 2009 and I am older than you. Like others have told you, age does not matter. We never want to see our parents go. It hurts so very much. There are no easy answers, but, there is always a time when we can feel some comfort by sharing our feelings with others as we are doing on this forum. It also helps to talk to the friends and relatives that we feel comfortable with. Sometimes that can help too. You may want to consider one on one grief counseling. Whatever helps you is worth a try and continue to communicate on this forum. We can help each other.

A close friend of mine told me to focus on all the wonderful times my mother and I spent together and that can sometimes help comfort you and I try to do that and it does sometimes help me. We also need to focus on ourselves and take care of ourselves because our mothers would want us to do that. We need to focus on our mother's love and the love we will always have in our hearts and thoughts.

I hope and pray that my words have helped you in some way to lessen the pain you are feeling.

JamesI

[Nicole]

I wanted to thank you all for replying. I really appreciate it. These past few months especially have been hard because my dad got engaged and is getting married in september (he moved it back from april to september because of me). I just don't know what to do....I miss my mom so much, and having a new lady in my life is so hard. I don't want to accept it but I know I have to. Any advice?

[leeann]

Nicole hon.... NO ONE can take your Mom's place. That's a fact. Take it to the bank. And this woman who your Dad is going to marry.. knows this.... acutely.... probably. She is probably NOT looking to take her place at all. Her role is different than your Mom's was. She is "step Mom" but primarily...your Dad's wife... not "Mom". It is weird to have your Dad's partner not be your Mom for you ... no doubt. But she isn't ..... never will be. She's always going to be the woman your dad loves as his partner. Your Dad's relationship with your Mom was precious and also different than his relationship with this new woman. It isn't really something you can compare.

Your dear Mom will always be your mother. But .... Dad has found someone else to be his partner and that doesn't change the fact that your Mom will always be your Mom.

The fact that your Dad pushed his wedding back tells you... he KNOWS this is hard for you. It's hard for him too on some level. Dad and your Mom probably had conversations about what they would do if either of them passed.

Trust me.. most couples talk about this at one time or another. My hub and I have talked about it and in our case we both have reassured the other that if either of us met someone else.. to go right ahead and marry them if that's what seemed right. PLUS your Dad knew your Mom better than any other human on the planet. He feels ok about accepting a new spouse into his life. And that's BIG. Dad feels ok about it. So don't let this throw ya.

But that spouse and your Mom are two entirely different people. Your Mom is your Mother.... and always will be. Your Step Mom will have a place in your heart too. A separate place than your Mom's place. And I bet your heart is big enough for both. I believe people come into our lives for a reason. Perhaps this woman is truly a gift for you as well as your Dad. You never know...

(And I can't help but feel grateful that you will indeed have a female in your life.. sure.. she isn't "Mom" but she will hopefully be an additional blessing in your life.)

But this new woman.. has nothing to do with your Mom. That is an entirely different situation and relationship. Try not to be so rough on yourself. You will adjust to Dad's new love and be able to accept this woman in your life. Just may take some time and some thinking on your part.

But.. at the end of the day.... what do you think your Mom would say and want for you and your Dad??

Think about that... maybe...

I'm sure you will find some comfort and guidance there.

(((((hugs)))))

leeann