Jerks

[mlg]

Nobody has to read this but I have to get it out or my head is going to explode.

I don't know if I ever posted on here about how Tom's family basically abandoned me the day after his death. Yes, two of them still invite me for breakfast on Sun (I think Tom made them promise they would), but basically they don't have a lot to do with me. We had talked about this and I told him that this is what would happen because there wasn't anything they needed me for right now.

Tonight I found out something in a round about way that has me so angry I am just boiling inside and was even shaking. I finally had to take part of a nerve pill to calm myself down.

Tom died at 11:40 pm on Fri. night and other than one brother who stopped by for 10 min on Sat not one of the other 10 brothers and sisters called to see how I was doing or came by. They had said they figured I'd have a lot of company. Well, a lot of people felt that way so I basically had vey little company that day. My grandson was playing basketball that night and we always loved to go to his games and hadn't been able to go to any because Tom was just too weak, so I decided that I would join my daughter and her family and go to his game and spend the night with them instead of being all by myself again. Now, I find out that they were angry with me because I disrespected their brother by going to that game.

They have no clue how hard that was and I am sure that is what he wanted me to do.That was the first game they won and on a last second shot by a very unlikely to make it player. They all said Brandon's grandpa helped put it in the hoop and our whole family was crying. They must have no clue at all how much I loved him.

[kath]

Mary Linda,

Your relationship was filled with a total love, devotion and respect for each other. If no one else can understand that, it really is their problem, not yours. Their opinion can't take that love away. You gave Brandon a great gift by being there. Believing his Grandpa helped his team win and make that basket will stay with him forever. I don't know how anyone can find fault with that.

Psst...I couldn't stand to stay in our house after Bob died. I went to a Girl Scout picnic the same day and my son's baseball game the next. (My son still talks about how his dad helped him hit a triple.) Both times I left a house full of people (none of them from Bob's family) that came to help. Neither was easy because I couldn't stand being ANYWHERE. As soon as I got someplace I wanted to run away. No matter where I was, I felt like I was suffocating. I don't care if people thought it was disrespectful or not. I did what I needed to do at the time. There is no right way to grieve.

May you find some peace in all of this,

Kath

[MikeC]

So, your spending time with your family after Tom's death showed disrespect to Tom, but their abandoning you the day after his death did not. Maybe I am stupid, but I don't understand the logic there. It sounds to me like there was one good person among the 12 kids in that family, and you married him. Take care, Mary Linda.

[leeann]

Ditto to what Mike posted. I don't understand their logic either. And I wouldn't expect much more in the way of 'sound' logic from them. I agree Tom must have been the best of the bunch.

But truly.. what they think?? Doesn't matter. You know what's right in your heart and you know what happened that night at the ball game.

They don't.

(((((hugs)))))

leeann

[mlg]

Thanks guys. I guess I needed some reassurance that I wasn't a terrible person. It started all the "old" feelings of not being good enough for Tom flowing back and yet I know that is where he would have wanted me to be. I guess I will never understand his family. You'd think after 29 years of being around them I'd just give up. I don't know why I try to please them because it's never going to be and this may have finally gotten that through my head. We are almost at the end of the obligatory year and we'll see what happens in the next. I've probably had at most a dozen phone calls and not that many emails from them (other than the junk stuff) in a year to see how I'm doing. Divide that by 11 and it pretty well tells me where I stand in their eyes. I'm sure they will be able to turn it around and make it my fault like everything else but I'm getting to the point I just don't care.

I'm not the only one they are down right MEAN too. I can't believe they don't see it but surely that many people can't be that way and realize it.

[Rosemary T]

Funny, I also had some of those well-meaning relatives who think they know so much that I got pretty angry with. Two days after Lou died I got a call at the house from a voice I had never heard. The person asked "is Lieutenant there?" Well my husband and his son are both named Lieutenant. Lou’s son had very little to do with him; always too busy to do much more than pick up the phone every two weeks or so unless he needed something of course, then he was there constantly to beg. Anyway, my nerves were already frazzled from having to take care of everything from the disposition of the body, to the cremation, to planning and paying for the service that I really snapped when I asked "Who are you and why are you calling". I just can't stand people who call my house and simply demand to speak to someone without identifying themselves! I think it is so rude, but maybe that is just my hang-up.

Anyway, I found out this was some distant cousin looking for Lou's son. I informed him quite abruptly that the son did not and had never lived at our home and "no, I do not know how to get in touch with him, I was busy trying to lay my husband's body to rest, thank you very much". Apparently my rudeness to him was totally misinterpreted. I would not have minded if he has simply thought that I was a "rude" or "unpleasant" person. Instead, he decided to comment at the service that I must not be very "distraught" about my husband's death considering the way I spoke to him. Apparently I should have just been overjoyed to get phone calls from people who were looking for someone else and who had never spent a day in his life spending any time with his uncle and obviously did not know his cousin well enough to even know how to reach him.

People are unbelievable in their attitude toward those who have been left behind. They seem to have this knack for thinking they have the expertise to decide how we should all behave and feel. We need lessons from them in the proper way to conduct ourselves both during and after the death.

Ok, I am done being a "B" and just want you to know that "whatever" you did and for "whatever" reason you did it, you owe an explanation to NO ONE! Be true to thine self! You and your husband know how much you meant to each other and how much the loss of him affects you. No one else matters!

Take care!

[shhh65]

I'm a Christian but I'm sure this won't sound like it...I was told that an uncle of mine, who happens to be 1 year younger than me, during Harry's visitation asked one of my nieces "why isn't that casket open?" I wish he had asked me instead because I would have said "It is absolutely none of your damn business!" I can't stand people who are that insensitive and rude - relative or not!

Mary Linda,

I reinterate what everyone else has said. I've been at this almost a year. In fact, as you know, it will be a year on December 22nd. Without you and everyone here I'm not sure I make it some days. YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE!

Love,

Sherry

Oh, by the way, you certainly entitled your post correctly. They are jerks!

[KathyG]

Mary Linda,

You sound sorry that your in-laws are unhappy with your doing what you needed and wanted to do to nurture yourself. Considering their thoughtlessness toward you, why care what they think? You care because you're a good person and in their shoes, you would have offered them love and support instead of turning away and criticizing their behavior. But when your husband's family has done so little to deserve your time and affection, what they think of you doesn't matter. Not one bit. Of course their lack of support is disappointing, but you seem to be getting along pretty well without and in spite of them.

There's an old saying that I think applies here: "To those who understand you and what you're going through, no explanation is necessary. To whose who don't understand, no explanation will suffice." No matter how much we'd like the people we know to care and understand, some people just never will get it. And life's too short to waste our precious time on them.

[marsha]

Mary Linda - Kathy got it right - life is too short, indeed, to worry about what Tom's family have determined what you should do. I'm really glad you're posting your frustrations - don't want your head to actually explode! What's the saying, you can pick your friends, but not your family? I would say, why feel that you are obligated to them in any way? Because they're Tom's family? I read somewhere that death and grief rewrites address books. I'm finding that to be true on a daily basis - but that's not necessarily a bad thing. You were a good wife to Tom, you loved him - that's all that counts. Be good to yourself! Love, Marsha

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

Mary Linda,

They are Jerks! How dare they judge you so harshly? Please don't take it personally...you did what your husband would have wanted you to do, & something you loved to do as a couple. It saved your sanity that evening..& cheered you up.

In laws seem to be to really love you when you are Married, & then you become an Out-Law after a Divorce or Death...it's pitiful. Having gone through 2 divorces, & a death. I had genuine Love for some of my in laws...but it was like I was yesterdays newspaper, after events ocurred.Pretty tough, you are snuggled in the bosom of a family one minute, an outcast the next. I understand how you feel!

Pat's family did not visit him in Hospice his brother came one time 20 minutes. His Dad, his sister in law, his niece...No. If not for my family being there I would have lost my mind.

Mary it all kind of feels like the Chinese water torture to me at times. Now my father in law is in a Nursing home, & my in-laws say it's better if I don't call him, because he never liked me anyway.

Go figure, it hurts, yeah...quite a lot, but just hang tough, Lady!

Vickie O'Neil

[kayc]

Wow, I have to say how much I love all of your responses, they are great and I agree with each one of them! George was the second oldest of 12 kids and none of his family contacted me after his service and only 3 showed up for that and all but one live within a few hours. Go figure! I also figured I married the best in the bunch.

We can pick our friends, but not our relatives...

I have a rubber stamp that says "friends are God's way of apologizing for relatives"...whether our own or our in laws, it can apply where applicable!

[carrieboo]

I thought I was the only one who had to deal with nasty in-laws...as hard as it is to ignore the mean actions of others, its what has to be done. I am still struggling with this one, it really does hurt to have the loved-ones of YOUR loved-one disrespect your feelings and greiving process. While I was trying to just get through every day I could without my fiance I was getting harrassed for how I was doing things. It makes you feel that they don't believe in the relationship you had, or the feelings you held for him...and it can honestly make you feel guilty as if you are doing something wrong. But as time goes on, and after many nasty things said, I realized that they cannot take my feelings and relationship from me (if this makes sense).

I also couldn't stand to be anywhere, as if I were constantly wanting to run from something, but you have to do what you have to, just to get through every day. Just know in your heart that your loved one would have been happy for your choices, thats all that matters.

[kayc]

Carrieboo,

That makes perfect sense and you are right on with the way you are looking at it!