Does This Ever Get Better?

[mlg]

OK, it's been over a year now and I know that there isn't any magic number but is it going to be like this forever? I thought I was doing better but since right before the anniversary I feel like I am where I was a year ago. I can't quit crying. If I say Tom's name, I cry. If I look at a picture of him, I cry. I hear a song, I cry. If I'm sitting in the living room at night, I cry. Sitting here on the computer, I'm crying.

I'm suppose to be going on vacation with 2 other people and am so afraid I am going to ruin their good time. I just don't know what to do. Everybody else seems to be marching forward and I'm going backwards. Maybe I just need to start the minute to minute thing again.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[WendyJ]

Mary Linda you are not going backwards, you are doing just fine. I am quickly approaching 2 years and I still do the same things. This is not something that we can get over quickly, or at all for that matter, think about how many years you two were together. This is going to take time and all we can do is do the best we can with love and support from our friends and family here. This is probably the toughest thing we will ever have to do in our lives and we need to remember to also take care of ourselves along the way, so that vacation might be very good for you to get away. Try to think of getting away as a positive thing as it might just very well be. My thoughts are with you my friend just as you have been there for me.

Love Always,

Wendy

[fred]

Oh dear Mary Linda, You are getting to or just at the point I was before I found this group. I know exactly where you are and exactly how it feels. I am one year further into the journey now. Wish I could say you have reached the bottom and it is all good from there on out. I don`t know that. This past year has been, at times, as bad or worse than the first for me. There is no deceiving yourself anymore. Yes, you will get better and it will get easier. I know this, I don`t know when or how, but I have to believe it to keep on. You have to know that you will survive and that someday we will remember them and only have good memories. We will smile at all of the things that only bring tears today. We will remember all of the gifts they gave us, the love we shared, all we meant together. I feel what you are feeling right now. To write this to you I have to go back to that horrible place where I was losing hope. I am crying. But you have something I didn`t right then. These people here. Everyone of them that is a day further along than you has made it through that day. You can too. You are a strong and courageous woman. You share your love and compassion with everyone that arrives here. You will write this letter to someone else a year from now, if you chose, or feel you need to stay at that point.

I talked with Kay this morning on the phone, I was worried that she hadn`t been on for a day or sent me an e-mail. She is further along than we are. I need her support as I still struggle at times. The past week wasn`t good. No, the past month has been bad, but I know that it will get better. She has given me things to look forward to. The strength she now feels when she thinks of George, the good feelings she has when things remind her of him. I was an idiot, well maybe not, maybe I just didn`t know any better when I fought against the grief for so long. You have experienced it fully, maybe you will soon be far ahead of me. There are still things to look forward too. As far as the vacation. What would Tom want you to do?

[karenb]

Mary Linda,

You're doing just as you should be doing - like everyone else has done or will do. It's just such a long haul, and you'll never be the same again. It's part of the program - you don't get over it, you just get used to it, and that takes as long as it takes. It is such a tough time to go through, no other is like it. It changes us forever, but hopefully it will change us for the better. Just keep hanging on minute, day, week, whatever you need to do. You will be fine. It's been 3 1/2 years for me and I'm much better. I just think about Jack and smile, look at his picture with no tears, just smiling. I love him and always will, but I have to go on. You just hang on, time really is a wonderful thing when we let it just happen. Don't put anything on yourself that you don't need to...just be yourself. Mary Linda is such a fine person, and she needs to know it.

Always your friend, Karen

[kath]

Mary Linda,

I'm just a little farther along this road than you are and thanks to someone who cared to share their insight (I think this came from you) I have started to measure my progress in teaspoons rather than cups. (Does baby steps ring a bell?) So, with that in mind, have you at all thought of Tom and smiled or laughed? If the answer is "Yes" then you are most certainly progressing from where this all began. The tears will pass. His love will always be.

[jackietnd1]

Hi Mlq,

I am sorry you are having such a hard time my heart goes out to you. I pray this will get better for you your friend.

Keep the Faith

Jackie

[leeann]

(((((((((((((((Mary Linda)))))))))))))

Thinking of you. And yeah... maybe the minute to minute thing is a good idea.

leeann

[JeanneC]

Mary Linda:

I wish I could tell you it gets easier. I am no where as far as you. But I am sure you will be fine.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[mlg]

Thanks everybody,

I think I've decided to go back to the minute to minute thing. It got me through the first year. I had never been able to look toward the future but at least I wasn't crying all day every day and maybe I can at least get back to that.

[WendyJ]

Mary Linda,

I can tell you that in time, it does get easier, but I will not lie to you, it is not an easy road to get there. You need to go through the stages as far as in the beginning there is the shock of it, and I know at about 7-9 months the shock wore off for me and reality kicked in, I have to admit the 7-9 month stage was the worst for me. Then I seemed to go through an anger stage, angry with the doctors, the hospital and myself. Honestly from 1 year to where I am now which is quickly approaching 2 years I have had alittle of all of the emotions but with not quite the intensity on a daily basis but there were times that I hit rock bottom but then the next day would feel better. I find now I can talk about him better without getting as choked up or downright hysterical crying like I used to. There are still moments like last night one of my little dogs was acting real goofy in a way that used to make Steve laugh so much and it just hit me that he wasn't there to laugh and never will be again. I didn't realize I was going to start crying but obviously the other dogs did as they all started watching me carefully and all started to approach me as the tears slowly crept up. There is no easy way out of this grief, we just have to learn to take each day as it comes and go through the motions. But you can not go by my stages or anyone elses for that matter, I also had to deal with losing a Grandmother and my Mom's cancer and the loss of a love relationship that almost sent me over the edge. I am dreading the 2 year mark for me in March and what would have been our 30th Wedding anniversary in April but I do have to admit that the second year was easier than the first and like Derek will tell you the third year gets easier than the second. Tom would want you to go on that vacation and enjoy youself, so do it and we will be here for you when you return.

Love Always,

Wendy

[kayc]

Mary Linda,

I am sorry I wasn't on line a few days ago when you posted this...I have only just barely survived what I am going through, this has been a tough week, but I'm getting through it. You are right where you are supposed to be, nothing further, nothing behind, you are in the midst of your grief journey and it is hard. But you are tough Mary Linda, even when you don't feel like it or think so...I know you might disagree at times, hey, we all feel that way. But the fact is, look how long you've done this already, and on day one, hour one, you wouldn't have thought it possible. The crying...think of the tears as a release valve on a pressure cooker...we need our tears, they are healthy and releasing, what could we do if we couldn't cry or scream! Do not worry about what others think, you will not ruin the trip by your going on it, it could do you some good to get into a new setting and be around others, it might help you. Even when others don't understand what we're going through, think of it like this, we are helping them develop their empathy and understanding, they need that! Yes, a day at a time, an hour at a time, sometimes a minute at a time, is a good motto. Breaking things down into bitable chunks really helps. Today I was doing the things around here that need doing...I work during the week and with the commute, I don't get anything done around here M-F, it all waits for Saturday. So I'm doing laundry, getting firewood in, doing the recycling, vacuuming, cleaning out the fireplace, the cat litter, taking out garbage, dusting, catching up on email, cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms...I look out and see limbs in the yard, a fence that needs replaced, stuff that needs hauled to scrap or the dump, there's two trees down that need cut up, and I think how I need George here to do all the things he used to do for me, it was so much easier when the load was shared. How much I enjoyed cooking for him, how easy he was to please! I miss the snuggling and I hate sleeping alone night after night, no one to walk with...it is easy to get my eyes on my problems and the lacks in my life. But then again, I look at this beautiful place that I love, that we both loved, the trees, the quiet, I get to see the stars brilliant in the sky, I get to feel the wind on my face as I take a walk, I get to smell the smell of nature and hear animals in the distance. I am lucky to be here, still able to enjoy the things George and I shared. Who is to say I am doing it alone? Who is to say he is not right here with me, going on my walks with me? Who is to say he is not right over my shoulder, giving me encouragement, telling me I can go on another day! He is my comfort, my strength, just as God is...I still feel him with me, I always will. This is what Fred was talking about, that you have to look forward to, just as Karen mentioned also, that one day your thoughts of him will be with a smile instead of so much pain. So keep going another day, you are one day closer to when that time comes.

(((hugs)))

Kay