Wedding Anniversary Without Stephen

[mrspapajohn]

Stephen's and my 28th wedding anniversary is this Saturday, March 14. My love has been gone for a little over two months and I still cry several times each day. I just can't stop thinking about him and picturing the look on his beautiful face when he died.

I am traveling to his grave from Phoenix to Ft. Worth on our anniversary and I know already that I will be a basket case that day. I need to speak with him though and to have some contact that day.

I have no family or friends in Phoenix. Stephen was very ill and housebound for the last four uears, so our social life was non-existent. Now, I cannot afford where we live and have to move out pretty soon. My problem is that I don't know where to go or what to do. I plan to look at reisdences in Ft. Worth because that is where his family is from. I don't relish the thought of living in Ft. Worth, but at least that is where Stephen is and I could at least visit his grave more often. I have really no family of my own except for two aunts that are both over 88, live in Boston and have enough problems of their own.

I miss Stephen so, I would just like to go with him. I feel that there is nothing left for me in this life. Out of the blue, I find myself sobbing and praying for his return, which I know will ever come. Still, it is still not possible for me to picture life without him. I know it is selfish, but I know that no one will ever love me the way he did - no matter what I did or how I looked. I think his greatest joy was making me laugh.

I have already donated Stephen's clothes, but I don't know how I am going to pack up this house and move me and my two cats across the country, but there is nothing for me here but sad memories.

Does anyone have any suggestions. I really have no one to ask. This site has been my salvation.

Kathy

[LarrysGirl]

Kathy, I'll be thinking of you on your anniversary, again I'm so sorry for your loss. You need to take this all as slow as you can. Relocating during the early stages of grief would be very tough. I'm sure you would find some comfort being near Stephen's family and where he is laid to rest, so maybe that would be a good move for you. Just do this slowly and take it one step at a time. Deborah

[Mossfire]

Kathy,

Have you considered asking Hospice if they know of anyone that can help? I too live in Phoenix and my Grief Counselors have been wonderful. One of my counselors gave me a list of men's homeless shelters because thats where I wanted my husband's shoes to go. I plan on going to a seminar which starts at the end of this month and lasts for 6 weeks. I am also going to a Hospice Potluck for socialization purposes. I would be willing to help you any way I can. But I think possibly the best way would be to do it through Hospice. I have found that my counselors try very hard to come up with the resources necessary. Hope this gives you an option. Hang in there Kathy, I know its hard because I lost my husband New Years Day of this year.

[kayc]

You may not have family in Phoenix, but surely there is a family member or friend that would be willing to help you with this move? I can't help but feel this would be overwhelming to try and do at this point...it was hard enough for me to clean out my husband's car and trailer when he passed away, I can't imagine trying to move in the first year! Having someone there to help you with it would be a tremendous help. Do you belong to a church that could help you? If not, maybe a service organization might be of help, the idea about asking hospice is a good idea.

My heart is with you, I will be thinking of you as you embark on this trip. Hang in there, I know it doesn't sound possible, but it will be better someday.

Kay

[dpodesta]

They say not to make any major life changes during the first year of your loss. Is there anyway that you can put it off for awhile? I know it seems tough right now and you still need some healing time. If you still plan on moving, then see if one of his family would be willing to fly up and drive one of the cars back, the other can be towed behind the moving truck.

[MartyT]

Kathy, dear ~ Since your beloved Stephen was on Hospice of the Valley's service, I hope you know that in addition to in-person support groups at various times and places throughout the Valley, you also have available to you (at no cost) short-term individual grief counseling with a professional bereavement counselor. Since you're feeling so alone, this might be a good time for you to take advantage of such support. If you'd like one of our Bereavement Counselors to get in touch with you, just call our Bereavement Office, 602-530-6970.

[Boo Mayhew]

Hi Kathy

please let us know how you are now that the anniversary has passed. I was thinking about you a lot on the 14th, and then Cliff's birthday was on the 16th.

I picked up Cliff's ashes on the 14th and brought him home with me. We are going to send some of them up in a big firework at the end of the summer because he loved fireworks. (By the way if you do this in the UK you have to get a funeral director to be present).

My heart aches for you because I cannot imagine having to pack up my home and leave, especially in our situation, however it sounds as though you do want to move. That said, please ask friends and family to help you to do this - it will be so hard to do on your own. Really. It took my sister and I over a year before we could clear my Mom's bedroom and when we did, we spent the whole day crying. PLEASE don't do this all on your own - PLEASE. Don't be too shy to ask for help ... I'll bet you helped loads of people over the years, let them help you now.

Love

Boo

x

[mrspapajohn]

Boo, and eveyone who was kind enough to respond to my posting - - Thank you so much for your concern. I still cannot believe the openheartedness of people on this site after all they have gone through (and are still going through) themselves.

I flew to Ft. Worth on Saturday morning (3/14), rented a car at DFW Airport and promptly got lost. I ended up at the wrong cemetary in Ft. Worth. By the time I found the correct cemetary and my dear husband's grave, it was getting dusk and getting very cold. Still, I stayed and talked to him for two hours. I told hime everything that had happened since he left, how much I and our kitties missed him. I told him things his family was doing and even who was wearing his clothes. I wished that I could just lay beside him and stay there forever. Naturally, the tears flowed. It was a wonder that I could see through my contact lenses to drive back to my hotel.

I stayed in Ft. Worth for two days and looked at homes there. My brother-in-law was very kind and very helpful and came with me to every home I looked at. Unfortunately, we didn't see anything that I could live in that I could afford (I don't have much to work with). I was disappointed, because I wanted to be near Stephen, but although I got a lot of comfort at being able to see where he was laid to rest, and the feeling that I was actually talking to him, seeing where he grew up, where he laughed and played and hung around with people he loved and who loved him, it all made me sad, because I know he can never see, feel or touch these beloved things and people again.

I don't believe that I will be able to live there permanently. Of course, since I find it so difficult to hide any of my feelings, I cried in front of my brother-in-law. I know that made him uncomfortable. He just didn't know what to say. Although he loved his brother, he has gotten on with his own life, as has the rest of Stephen's family. I have not yet been able to get on with my life, and I know I would just drag them down. Although, at first, I think I would hear from them often, eventually, the calls and visits would slow down and then finally stop altogether. Now I am back in Phoenix and back to ground zero. I just do not know where to go.

But as for this trip, bottom line, I would go to see him all over again in a heartbeat, no matter what the cost. It has only been a little over two months since I lost him, and I still cry several times a day, every day. But, the feeling that he was there in FT. Worth, somewhere near me, and that I was doing what we had planned to do together (return to Ft. Worth) was worth the ripping, raw pain that I felt. I plan to return on my birthday in June and again on his birthday in August.

Boo - - I think it is wonderful for you to do something with your husband's ashes that will be reminiscent of something he loved. I wish you the very, very best.

[Boo Mayhew]

Hi Kathy

how are you getting on today? I'm doing well at work but dreading going home in one way as I know that he won't be there. On the other hand, I love to be there because Cliff built half of my home for me and so never want to leave it. In fact, I 'm sure I never will, just as I am sure that I will never get involved with anyone else ever again - it would not feel right.

Have you decided whereabouts you want to move to? I seem to remember you saying that you were going to be looking for work in another area. Or is my memory wrong (quite likely).

Hope you are ok. Thinking about you, Boo x

[mrspapajohn]

Hi Boo - - I am back in Phoenix and just getting through the days minute-by-minute. My brother-in-law is still looking at housaes in Ft. Worth for me, but I really don't think I'll end up there. Next Tuesday a real estate agent is going to show me some houses right here in Phoenix.

Unfortunately, I can't work. I sometimes long for work or something to do just to keep my mind from wandering back to Stephen. I had quintuple cardiac bypass surgery and am not even supposed to lift anything over 8 pounds. The doctor keeps telling me to avoid stress (right!). I can't see out of my left eye and my vision is poor in my right eye, so it's difficult for me to read. I spend most of my day watching CNN and oh, I dread the nights.

I have finally come to the conclusion that I am going to be alone no matter where I go, so I might as well move to the most convenient location that I can afford. I know that you are all correct when you say it is too soon to make a big move (2 months on March 6). Just the thought of moving myself, my furniture and belongings (most with deeply held beloved memories) and my two cats across the country seems daunting. It will be hard, but I think I'll be able to handle a move across the city.

Thank you and every one who so kindly reads and answers my posts.

[Boo Mayhew]

Hey Phyllis, that's really tough on you . Apparently the stress of losing a spouse is #1 on some list somewhere. I know that my heart was beating so hard and fast for the first five weeks, that I could hear it pounding in my ears!! I'm glad you're not moving away from the city where you lived and loved together. Your cats ... do you let them sleep with you now?? My dogs sleep with me now ... they weren't allowed upstairs before Cliff died I like the warmth and contact during the night. Also ration myself to Cliff's unwashed clothing so his scent is there while I sleep and I think it helps me subconsciously to sleep through the night now?

Am going to try going to a CRUSE meeting to see if that is helpful (if it turns out to be a bunch of people sitting round in a circle taking it in turns to cry, I won't go back) but am open to anything that might help right now. Feel very strongly that I have to do this for Cliff, to push on and use what he taught me (and also what my parents taught me) to live this new unchosen life. I'll let you know how it goes ... perhaps you could get involved with a group like that so that you have friends locally?

I only have a few friends as we relocated to our area only a few years ago. One girlfriend lives 2 kilometres away but she is a work friend and nearing maternity leave, but she is someone I can go and watch a chick-flick with and I will baby sit for them :-) The rest are four men who Cliff met through working locally and they are really good company for an evening every couple of weeks, and that includes my neighbour who is "on call" for spider patrols and boilers that go out and need to be restarted etc. Last Sunday, he had to let himself into my house (while I stood on my driveway shaking like a pathetic weakling), as my Barney (dog) caught and killed a squirrel (almost as big as him) and trotted into the kitchen like an alpha male (he's a Jack Russell long-haired Terrier) who had caught a woolly mammoth. Or was he bringing home some meat for me to cook as I haven't cooked any chicken, lamb, pork, beef since Cliff died. (eat at work and eat cereal at home!) So I guess I am hoping that MAYBE I will meet a like-minded girlfriend there that I can socialize with sometimes.

We have nearly done 3 months my friend, and we are still breathing ... we may wish not to be, but we have no option other than to carry on (albeit in teeny-tiny baby steps). A good friend lost her husband (he was electrocuted) 17 years ago, and she said that the rawness and pain that we feel now subsides very gradually, but we never stop missing them, we just get used to living on our own. Weirdly, I didn't think it possible to love Cliff more than I did, but I could swear that my love for him has GROWN over the past few weeks. Do you feel like like that too???

A good thing that a colleague said to me was, "just because one of you leaves/dies, doesn't mean that the love dies" and I think that is completely true.

Thinking of you. Hope that you find a safe home/sanctuary for you and your cats fairly soon. Please don't be too proud to ask your family in Texas to come and help you move. If you have a garden, get a green-fingered friend to take some cuttings so that you can take them to your new home, or even herbs that you can cultivate on a new window sill ... not telling you what to do, just thinking of little things that MIGHT help and one day in the future even bring a smile to your face when you see a plant bloom that you used to look after together. That's the way my brain works

Take care and keep in touch

[Boo Mayhew]

I meant TWO months NOT three till the day that we both lost our soulmates, our worlds. WHAT is wrong with my head, I can't even count ... one, two, three!!!! LOL

[Boo Mayhew]

arghhhhhh, how embarrassing ... it IS three months, Feb, March, April 6th = 3 months.

I meant TWO months NOT three till the day that we both lost our soulmates, our worlds. WHAT is wrong with my head, I can't even count ... one, two, three!!!! LOL